The Focus Group

Back when the DaVinci Code movie came out, I wrote this bit about it for my old site and how I imagine the Bible might have actually been put together.  Since my post was read by approximately no one, I feel no guilt whatsoever about recycling it now.  After the last couple of religiously themed posts, I figure the time is right.  Rest assured, I plan on changing the subject with the next post.

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I’ve been enjoying the flurry of publicity regarding the movie release of The DaVinci Code… the protests, the defenses, the dialogues… As a Recovering Catholic, I find a great deal of happiness regarding anything that gets The Church’s panties in a bunch. 

As I understand it, The DaVinci Code asserts (albeit in novelized form) that the Catholic Church has for years covered up the fact that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and produced offspring, of which there is still a traceable bloodline today.  (Talk about an intimidating family to marry into…) 

As I also understand it back in reality, The Bible was compiled from the writings of various men, and translated again and again throughout many centuries, to ultimately become in the eyes of the most devout believers, the literal word of God.  These are the poor souls who, sadly, were out sick on that day in grammar school when they covered “metaphor.”  (What’s a “metaphor”?   To keep cows in, of course.)

So, there is information from all these different sources… different writers, different styles… Who was the editor that decided on what was used, and what went onto the cutting room floor?  And how did he decide?  I also wonder who he was that he had the right to decide… was he given the Holy Red Pen, with which to make the Divine Edits of God?

The research department here at Darwinfish has obtained an ancient scroll, which indicates a major roll played by the Holy Focus Group… a mishmash of average Josephs off of whom the Editor bounced the Hallowed Rough Draft.  I’m picturing the meeting of the Exalted Editorial Committee, as recorded in the meeting’s minutes by a member of the Scribes Pool…

In Attendance: Phil Osteen (Editor in Chief), Ferris Seize (Focus Group Moderator)

Phil Osteen: Well Ferris, what did the group have to say?

Ferris Seize: They have a couple of issues, Chief… first of all, they don’t like JC’s occupation.

Phil:  What’s wrong with being an accountant?  It’s an honorable position counting the Holy Beans.

Ferris:  True enough, but they’re just not feeling the heat.  They think it should be more manly.

Phil:  What do they suggest?

Ferris: They’d like him to be a lumberjack.

Phil:  Are you serious?  A lumberjack?

Ferris:  Yes, Jesus, the Lumberjack of Nazareth.

Phil:  But he would have looked horrible in plaid.  And look at all the unintended irony at the end of the Third Act.  I can just see the headlines on the local parchment… “Lumberjack Felled By Tree”…  Can’t do it…we’d be the laughing stock of all the other religions… They’d call us “Bunyonites.” 

Ferris:  Well if we leave him as an accountant, no one but librarians will be following Him.  We need broader appeal…

Phil:  Who would believe it?  No one can support a wife and kids on what a lumberjack makes…

Ferris:  Oh, they want to lose the family stuff too.  They feel there’s only room for one “Heavenly Father”.  No one wants to think of The Savior doing the laundry and changing dirty didies…  It ruins the “stud appeal”.

Phil:  Ok, what say we split the difference and make Him a carpenter?

Ferris: I can sell that.  Just make sure that no one ever finds out about that Accountant thing, otherwise…

Sadly, that’s where scroll ended.  But there you have it.  Jesus 1.0: husband, father, accountant.  Stay tuned for further developments, as the Committee finds something else for Jesus to do during tax season.   Also, Jesus turns white.