Now that Katie
Ett is no longer writing her ruminations on public transit, I feel I
should step into the fray on her behalf.
Baltimore may not have the hustle and bustle of NYC, but that doesn't mean getting around town is not without its common annoyances. So with that, I bring you:
Brief Letters to People I Hate on the Subway
To: Person Who
Walks up to the Train at the last Second and Tries to Butt in Front of Me
From: Guy Who Was
Standing There First
If you want to get on the train in front of me, show up
earlier and claim that piece of real estate before I do. Trust me; I know where that train door is
going to open and I’m not standing there by accident. I may be a couple of feet behind the yellow line, but that is not
in invitation for you to wedge yourself between me and the train door. When I see you coming next time, you can
expect to run into my shoulder, because I’ll be planted there waiting for you.
To: Person Who
Wanders Onto the Train and Then Stands There Deciding Which Direction to go and
What Seat to Take, While People Streaming in the Other Doors are Claiming All
the Seats.
From: Guy Who has
to Stand Because He Couldn't Get Around your Big Ass.
There are windows on the train, through which you can see
where the empty seats are. Get in the
door and get in a seat. You’re not
picking a door on Let’s Make a Deal, so get on with it. You are especially annoying when I am the
one who let you step in front of me to get on the train first.
To: Person That
Has All Her Shit on the Seat Beside Her
From: Guy Who Has
to Stand Because You Won’t Move Your Shit
Is your bag of crap so important and/or valuable that it
needs its own seat, while other people have to stand? No? I didn't think
so. Now kindly put your shit on the
floor or your lap, because just like every day at rush hour, this is a crowded
train. Next time, I’m grabbing your bag
and tossing it out the door.
To: Dude Who’s
Lounging Across Both Seats, Glaring at Anyone Who Dares to Approach
From: Guy Who Has
to Stand Because You’re Tired from Breaking into Cars All Day
Straighten the eff up.
Unless you’re wide enough to need both sides of the seat, slide your
gangsta ass over and let someone take a load off. Oh, and pull your pants up.
To: Lady Wearing
a Quart of Noxious Perfume
From: Guy Who’s
About to Hurl on your Floral Dress
I’m riding backwards and reading tiny newspaper type. Unless you want a new print on your dress,
maybe 1 spritz of Eau de Paint Thinner will suffice, in lieu of 7. Thanks for the dizzy headache.
To: Lady Who
Steps Off the Train and Immediately Stops
From: Guy Who
Just Put Skid Marks on the Floor Trying to Stop, so he Doesn't Walk Right Up
Your Back
You’re one half step away from having an entire subway car
full of people fall on top of you. When
you get off the train, for chrissakes, keep
going. Decide where you’re going
AFTER you’re clear of traffic. And the
same goes for the person that walks out the subway station doors and stops. Keep going, or you may get trucked right
into the #54 bus. Some of us are eager
to get home.
To: Person Who
Steps up Right Beside Someone Else on the Escalator and Then Stops
From: Guy Who is
Forced to Stare at Your Lumpy Ass for the Next 75 Seconds
You are the colon blockage of the subway system. Do you see that empty corridor of escalator
stairs opening up in front of you? Now
look behind you. Do you see a line of
people staring holes in the back of your head, because you apparently think
this is some kind of Disney ride? We’re
all plotting your demise. Now take one
step up, and then one step to the side.
Was that so hard? Some of us
have somewhere we need to be…
 |
| See that open space up ahead? I could be using it if you people weren't clogging up the works. (Source) |
The escalator is like the highway; pass on the left, stand
on the right. Of course, as a
Baltimore resident, I can’t assume that you've ever heard that rule
before. Oh, and you are especially
annoying if, as with the Aisle Drifter, I was kind enough to let you step on
the escalator ahead of me. Now it’s all
I can to not to knock your head into that of the person beside you, just to
hear the Three Stooges “coconut” sound.
Thank you all for your kind attention.
Your buddy, Bluz
Then there's the Beauty Queen, assiduously applying cosmetics during the entire ride. She looks the same at her destination but we have all witnessed the painstaking process.
ReplyDeleteThat’s one I haven’t seen yet. I’ll have to be on the lookout, because that person would be likely to poke their eye out with a mascara brush. It’s not a smooth ride…
DeleteThis is also one of my favourite passengers. Since my life's purpose is to look like I just rolled out of bed this perfect, I feel so embarrassed for these women making duck faces as they try to apply their blush. I guess they got to sleep in longer than I did, though, so maybe they're embarrassed for me.
DeleteLove this post! Maybe you should take over my old job and just pretend this is all happening in NYC.
You could always send it in to them and say, “I rode the subway for the first time, and if you hadn’t fired me, you could have posted THIS!”
DeleteOMG, what if I tried to do exactly that, you know… without Baltimore references, and then I complain about something a transit employee does, and someone gets fired?
Ah, the joys of public transit. While I don't take public transit, some of these same rules can apply for grocery store etiquette. And the perfume thing applies to everyone, all the time. If just being in the same room with you gives me that scent for the rest of the day, it's too much. If I know you were in my hallway 30 minutes ago because your scent still lingers, it's WAY too much. And please, don't even think about hugging me and infecting my hair with that smell.
ReplyDeleteThese rule absolutely apply to multiple scenarios... retail store aisles, office hallways and elevators, roadways, etc.
DeleteSpeaking of smells, on the way home today, there was a homeless guy, stretched out, barefoot, over 4 seats. The smell was so overbearing, it the destroyed the entire car. I spent the whole trip breathing shallowly, like I was playing a cadaver on CSI. I don't know what to even say about that, because the dude obviously had significant problems. But damn... I could feel the fungus growing in my lungs...
And this is exactly why I never take public transportation. Ever.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Valerie
Even as annoying as it is, it still beats paying 12.00 a day to park...
DeleteThey say chivalry is dead? No. Common sense is way deader than chivalry. Yeah. Deader.
ReplyDeleteI do "chivalry" as best I can. Like when I can see the train is almost full when it pulls up, I always go find a place to stand rather than take one of the last seats. And I try to let the old and infirm go ahead of me.
DeleteBut I just can't ascribe to letting every single female, from wherever they may be in the station, get on the train ahead of me. That would mean I'd have to resign myself to standing for every trip for the rest of my natural days. Sorry, I have my own problems; (bad feet, bad back, recurring heart condition), I need to sit too.
Ha! It's been years since I took public transportation and I'd forgotten the minefield of writing material it offers. Funny stuff, my friend. These days I consider myself stuck in traffic when my neighbor's tractor is in front of me.
ReplyDeleteIts funny, I could probably summarize most of these points in one line: 'people of the world, please get the hell out of my way. Thank you.'
DeleteI know the extreme perfume is awful. But day 2 of bus riding for me, and some beyond-awful-smelling woman sat next to me. I wanted to get up and move, but I was afraid she would think I was racist, so I suffered for the next 15 minutes. And suffer I did.
ReplyDeleteI bet in another couple of weeks, I can have a some good bus material...
Oh yeah, that happens to me on the subway too, every so often. I try to tough it out, but sometimes, it's either move or hurl.
Delete