Odd Bits - The Apocalyptic Edition

Just when I think I’ll never generate a decent blog idea, I got an email from blogging and Real Life work-friend Goldey.  We were talking about phone assignments at out emergency site.  I needed a name for a particular phone but there was no one in particular sitting at that station:

Bluz: OK, I’ll just label it The Hotline.  Like the Batphone.

Goldey: Now I want a Batphone on my desk… oh wait… or a big old symbol in the sky related to Compliance, so when someone screws up, they can shine it up in the sky and an Auditor will go, straight away.

Bluz: Yes, because that’s what we really want when we’re stressed out and under pressure… an Auditor to show up.  What’s the symbol going to be, a thumbscrew?

Goldey: I think that would be perfect.  If people didn’t screw up so much, I’d be out of a job.  Keep on keeping on, my faulty friends.  Keep on keeping on.

Bluz: Am now wishing I had better photoshopping skillz…

We used to have this big wooden nutcracker on our living room table.  It was like a big, thick ring and a handle would screw into it to break the nut against the back of the ring.

# Times anyone ever cracked a nut with it:  1

# Times my brother or I tightened it on our fingers:  1,256,248.  Give or take…

Goldey: LOL… My husband has one shaped like Hillary Clinton.  You crack the nut with her thighs.

Bluz: I’ve seen that one… not terribly dignified for a Secretary of State.

Goldey: He only bought it because he knows I’m a Democrat.

Bluz: Of course.  But you should have told him not to give you any ideas.

Goldey: I believe I told him a lot of things.  And then I hid it in his Man Cave.

Bluz: Ouch.  That must have been uncomfortable.

Goldey: OMG… I just did a spit-take.

Bluz: FTW!  (Mom, Dad, that means “For The Win!”)

Goldey: [grumbles as she wipes off her keyboard.]

Bluz: [Taking victory lap around the office…]

Goldey: I bow to your prowess.

Bluz: [Sending up some wet-naps via inter-office mail.}

Apocalypse Pretty Soon

Are you catching any of this horseshit about Judgment Day coming this Saturday?  It’s the same old shit… some bible-thumping moron claims the Bible has given him “proof” that 5/21/11 will be Judgment Day, where all the true believers will be taken up to heaven in the Rapture.  Everyone else will endure Hell on Earth.  I wonder if anyone living in Cleveland would even notice?

Of course, this theory differs widely from the alternative theory that Judgment Day is when the Skynet Computers become self-aware and set out to exterminate all of mankind.  People that adhere to that theory are called Terministas.

Coming soon – "Terminator 5: Rise of the Ninnies"

Obviously Arnold is a Terminista.  Why else would he have picked now to announce that he’s been banging The Help?

Random Thought: When the Apocalypse comes to the Caribbean, would it become “Apocalypso?”  That sound so much more inviting… Facing the End of Days with lively music and an umbrella drink.

It’ll be funny once Saturday comes and goes.  Then we can look forward to watching these Judgment Day Assholes start tap-dancing.  I’m guessing it will sound something like this:

“It was definitely supposed to be Judgment Day, but we, the Chosen Few, prayed so hard to spare mankind that the Lord listened to us and postponed the Apocalypse, so he may continue to rule over Heaven and Earth.  You’re welcome.”

Nice… Day called on account of reign.

Anyway, it BETTER not be the End of Days this weekend… I’m going to Pittsburgh, babee!  Road Triiiiiiiiiiip!!

My buddy Rik, from Toledo, is a big Detroit Tigers fan.  Two years ago, when the Tigers played in Baltimore, he came out here for a couple of games. 

Rik talking shit to Boog Powell.

Since then, we made plans that the next time the Tigers had inter-league play in Pittsburgh, we’d meet up there for the weekend and see some games at PNC Park.  That’s this weekend.

He’s taking his 11-year-old son with him, so it’ll be a Dudes Weekend in The Burgh.

I’m looking forward to showing them around dahntahn a little bit.  It’s not like I’m an expert or anything, but at least I’ve been there a time or two.  I’m pretty sure I can get us from the North Shore to Market Square and back without falling in The Mon.

It’ll be a quick trip… out Saturday, back Sunday.  I may be able to throw a Tweet now and again, but I won’t be able to post until I come back.  OK, obviously I could set up some posts in advance to run over the weekend, but seriously… I’m taxing my limits right now just doing this one.

So let me bow out with some random Goofy Shit:

First, a look at how Engineers invented the word “boob.”

Thank you to Bluz Daddy for the email.  And which one of your geezen friends sent you this one?

Now, if you’re an “art” lover, how can you not be impressed with this reimagining of Van Gogh’s Starry Night:

Who knew fine art could make you hungry?  Photo from Failblog.org

Which reminds me, the weekend after next, on Memorial Day, Darwinfish2, in conjunction with Carpetbaggery, will be holding the second in the Darwinfish Fry series: The Bag’O Fish BBQ.  If you’ll be in the Pittsburgh area on 5/30 and would like to join us, please drop me a line or comment.  Click here for details!  Time’s ticking away before we have to drop the velvet rope…