Fair Game

I went to the Maryland State Fair on Saturday, for the express purpose of going bet on some horse races.  I went last year too and posted on it.

I’m always under-whelmed by the Maryland State Fair, as I’m walking through it on the way to the track.  They’ve got the whole midway, rides, games and food stands, all crammed into an area about the size of a football field.

You’d think a State Fair would warrant a little more real estate than that.  I’ve been to the Ohio State Fair and the New York State Fair, and they were both immense.  Even the Fulton County Fair in Ohio is large enough to dwarf this one.

Oh, and they have fried stuff:

The year I went to the Fulton County Fair, I went with my buddy Rik and his family.  Back then, he was married and his girls showed horses.  I went because they were staying on the grounds for 3 or 4 days and Rik needed someone to make sure he didn’t strangle his wife and kids keep him calm and occupied. 

It was funny because I am not a “horse guy.”  Dave Barry once said that he doesn’t trust any animal that has feet made out of the same material as bowling balls.  I do not disagree.

At one point, Rik’s wife had me hold her horse’s lead, while she did… something… I don’t know what the hell she was doing.  I was too wired from looking into this giant animal’s enormous face.

Then, all of a sudden, she WALKED AWAY!  I was like, “Whoa, where the hell are you going?  You can’t leave me with this horse?  Have you seen what a bowling ball can to to foot bones?”

She called back over her shoulder, “It’ll be fine, just don’t let him graze.”

I couldn’t even form words… What the hell was she doing leaving ME, and card-carrying suburbia-slicker, in alleged control of a horse? 

Seriously, all I could do was bluff.  If the horse wanted to graze, or walk away, or leap over a fence, there wasn’t a thing I was going to be able to do about it.  I could just see it…

“Hey, where’s my horse?”

“He left.  He went over there somewhere…” (Pointing towards the horizon)

Oh yeah, I wanted to talk about the races.

I learned something about the races, this time.  Spending the day gambling on horses is a lot more fun when you’re winning.  I did not have a good day and was not at all happy about it.  My last couple times out I either broke even or came out ahead.  Even last year, I opened by hitting Exactas (picking the 1^st and 2^nd place horses) in the first 3 races and played with “house money” the rest of the day.

This time; not the same.  I had my program and my tip sheets.  I pored over all the information.  I went down in flames.  Here are the “lowlights”:

Race 1: not much history on these new horses.  I paired a favorite with one with a name I liked… Sista.  It reminded me of a dear friend I used to work with, who was half black, half white and all Sista.  She’d be complaining about all the stuff she had to do, then ask if I wanted to go to lunch.  I’d ask if she wasn’t too busy for lunch.  She’d always say, “Sista gotta eat…” 

This time, Sista ran 3^rd, screwing my Exacta.

Race 2: I placed 2 Exactas, using a favorite with 2 different horses.  I noticed that there seemed to be 2 brothers among the jockeys: Christopher Ho and Wesley Ho.  I wondered if they might have another sibling, Stanky Ho.

Christopher Ho lived up to his name by screwing me out of another Exacta; bringing the #2 horse out of nowhere to finish right in between my two picks.  He was on Mymanmax.  How did I miss that?  Penguins fans, you know who always comes through in the clutch?  Max Talbot.  I totally should have bet on Max being ridden by a Ho.

Race 3: I decided to go with names.  The #5 horse was Unadulterated.  I place Exacta bets with him and 2 other horses, Mr Flips, and Brew for the Band (ridden by the other Ho Brother.)

This pick was an unadulterated failure.  Brew came in 3^rd, Unadulterated came in 4^th.  There are no bets for that finish.  The winner was Mario Flowers.  “Mario”… another Pittsburgh Penguins reference.  I’m going to have to watch out for those.

Race 4: I liked the #7 horse, Rambunctious Boy.  I paired him with 2 others, You Rascal and Crack Thepat.  I figured, I’m rambunctious, I’m a rascal, and I’d like to see the Pats get cracked.

Big CF with this race.  There were inquiries, investigations, and the finishing order got shuffled.  None of this did me any good.  I lost, then upon further review, lost again.  This was all C. Ho’s doing, who won, then came in third.

Race 5: This was another race between horses without much experience.  I didn’t want to invest much so I picked a couple favorites.  But then there was one horse with a name… Pop’s Mojo.  At the last second, I decided to put $2 on Pop’s Mojo to win.

Pop’s Mojo won!  Whoo Hoo!  Can’t stop the old Mojo Boogie!  Papa just earned… sigh… $12.60.  Didn’t get me even, but it filled in the hole a little bit.

Race 6: Big race… 6 horses, all previous winners.  I though I had a vibe on Green Velvet, so I paired him with 2 other solid horses on Exacta boxes, Franklin’s Philly, because he was ridden by a hot female jockey, and Disco Haze, because I used to have a lot of those, back in the day.

Green freakin’ Velvet finished dead last.  The two winners?  Franklin’s Philly and Disco Haze.  FUCK!!!

Race 7:  More inexperienced horses.  I paired the two favorites in an Exacta box, and picked one to win, DJ’s Ladies Man.  I may not have been a lady’s man, but I was a DJ. 

DJ for the win!!  Whoo Hoo!!  That pays me… $3.60.  Shit.  Why even bother cashing in that ticket?

I watched this one from down on the rail.  Here’s the finish:

I like watching from the rail.  You can feel the ground shake as they run by.  Very cool.

Race 8:  Feeling completely unlucky, I just bet the 2 and 4 horses.  2 and 5 won.  Shit!!!

Race 9:  I loaded up the 5-horse, Lord of the Dance (because I used to have some serious moves) with 2 other horses, which didn’t matter because the Lord Danced his way to 4^th place out of 5 horses.  C-Ho came in second again.

Race 10:  Last chance.  The 6-horse, Crafty Son, that one’s all me!  And I used to work in a craft store.  Granted, I wasn’t the least bit crafty… I always said I was Crafting-Impaired.  I always got the old ladies on the staff to make my crafty stuff for me.  In return, I’d reach things for them on high shelves.  Which was indeed, crafty of me.

So I paired Crafty Son with Concatenation (ridden by the hot female jockey) and then with Legal Pad, because I used to write on those.  Plus, the esteemed C-Ho was riding him.

Hot female jockey came through, but with Legal Pad and C-Ho.  Crafty Son did not finish anywhere near the front.  I got to see him not finish from right up close.

Concatenation, fulfilling one half of my failed Exacta.

Jockey Jenna Joubert, being all hot and female.

Day's damage: -$43.80 in bets.  Add to that the $12 for Fair entry and the programs and the grand total was -$55.80.  I've had better days.

I had half a mind to go back to the barn and confront the Ho’s that kept messing with my bets.

I’d be all, “Heeeey, Hoooooo, heeeeey, hooooo…”

They’d be, “What’s up, Joe?”

I’d be, “Why you messing with a bro?”

And they’d be, “You know what they say, ‘Ho’s before bros!”

I know, that was a long way to go for the money line…

Sometimes life isn’t Fair.