Scandalpalooza

It’s not like I feel younger, but I could swear it’s 1997 again. 

Congressional Republicans are hamstringing another 2^nd term Democratic president with an endless series of whipped up scandals and hearings.  Last time, they basically created their “scandal” out of thin air, until the Executive Hummer fell into their laps.  This time, I’m sad to say they have a little more material to work with.  Not much, but enough to run out the clock until 2016.

It’s all they have, really.  The Dow is at record levels, unemployment is decreasing, and the economy is recovering… all things that the GOP said Obama’s policies would prevent.  So rather than admit they were wrong and attempt to further help the American people, they jumped back on the Scandal Bandwagon, to help their own political fortunes in the next mid-term and presidential elections.

The so-called Liberal Media” has been showing how much of a myth that term is by leading with this stuff for weeks, so I’m not going to go into all the details about the three “scandals” going on.  I’m just going to let you know what I think.

Benghazi

This is the oldest of the three faux-scandals; the one the Republicans bring out every so often like a favorite binky.  This one was 100% bullshit when it first came out and it’s still 100% bullshit.  It’s merely a way to tie up the Obama presidency and at the same time, throw some stink on Hillary Clinton, whom they are afraid will run in 2016.  Here’s how you can tell:

In other words, it’s only a problem if it happens under Obama.  I’m willing to bet you’ve barely even heard about any of those other embassy and consulate attacks.  I know I haven’t, and I’m a news junkie.  If they really cared about lives lost on “American Soil,” it would have been an issue under the Bush administration.  It wasn’t… not even close.

Also note how they never own up to their own culpability in cutting the embassy budgets.  Where’s the investigation into that?  Yes, it’s a tragedy that good lives were lost at Benghazi.  But the lengths the GOP is going to tar the President with it are ridiculous.  This is a grade-A case of “Clean out your own closet first.”

And to make matters worse, it has now come out that the Republicans were providing doctored email transcripts to network news reporters, that casted the Administration in a negative light.  So when the Administration released the full emails and the GOP selective editing was revealed, they were made to look like the partisan hacks they are.  Can there be any doubt about the lengths they will go to make this president (and possibly the next) look bad?

IRS Scrutinizing the Tea Party

At first, I was like, “It’s about freakin’ time!  Why the hell should a party spending money hand over fist trying to cut their own taxes be given tax-free status?”

But yes, I agree that all such filings should be handled with consistency.  It’s un-American not to do so, unless, of course, the Republicans are doing it.

Remember what happened in Bush’s Justice Department?  They had directives (from the top) to pursue election fraud cases, but only where they implicated Democrats.  This was a case of using a government agency to hinder political opponents.  How is that not exactly the same principle as in the IRS case?

There are a couple key differences though… In the Justice case, that was part of an entire re-fitting of the department, where Republicans were brought in exclusively to populate key positions, in what is supposed to be an apolitical organization.  Their orders came from the White House.

With the IRS case, it appears that the extra Tea Party attention started from the bottom, up, in a field office in Cincinnati.  That’s what makes it a stretch to try to tag the President with it.  Sure, he has technical responsibility, given his position at the top, but he had no practical information.

What if I decided that when I go back to work on Monday, I was going to start breaking some kind of banking or financial law?  Technically, the President of our company, with his lavish offices in New York, is responsible, because it’s his company.  But does he realistically have any sway in what I do?  Of course not, that would be crazy. 

But you can’t tell that to the GOP, as long as Obama is in office.  To them, if it happened during Obama’s term, it’s Obama’s fault.  And if it happened under Bush’s term, it’s Clinton’s fault.

(And don’t even start with the Democrats blaming the economy on Bush.  It’s entirely too obvious that the economy was Bush’s fault because it was in the tank before Obama was even elected.  The worst the Republicans can say is that he didn’t overcome GOP obstructionism to fix their mess fast enough.)

Even with all this, the President came out firmly against that these IRS agents were doing.  People got fired and I suspect there will be more to come. 

Does anyone remember Bush doing anything about the misdoings of the Justice Department?  [crickets] 

Exactly.

The AP Scandal

As a former journalism student, this didn't sit right with me until I dug around a little more.  I certainly believe in freedom of the press; it’s the thing that separates us from every grubby dictatorship and authoritarian state.  But then I saw how the AP’s reporting had basically cost us an agent we had on the inside with al Qaeda. 

They never published the guy’s name, but described what he had done to prevent an attack.  From there, it’s not hard for even the most ass-backward radical terrorist fuck to figure out who the mole is.

That’s not reporting, that’s potentially costing American lives.  If that particular terrorist cell successfully gets one of their guys on a plane, which could have been stopped if we still had our guy in place, the following death and destruction is on the AP.

There are some things that should not be sacrificed for our “right to know.”  There are plenty of things that can be reported that will make a difference.  Exposing our counter-terrorist efforts is not one of them.

So I don’t blame the Administration for trying to ferret out who’s leaking national security secrets to the press. 

And the funny thing is, if they hadn't taken action and the GOP found out about it, they’d be holding hearings on why Obama is weak on terrorism.

Double the Fun

First, please let me apologize for not posting last night.  As you’ll see, I didn’t get home until late.  But on the bright side, you've had an extra day to savor the richness of Friday’s post about farts.

I’m kind of jammed up this week.  I had 2 baseball games in addition to the next round of Penguins playoff hockey starting.

All this started with my ticket-buying jamboree back in January.  One of the Orioles games I picked to attend was the one last night, against the San Diego Padres.  I like seeing the interleague games, and I’ve only seen the Padres once in my life (according to my tracking spreadsheet) so it seemed like a good choice.  Naturally, it turned out that the Penguins also played Game 1 of their 2^nd round playoff series on the same night.  Hello DVR!

In a separate story line, my old boss, Don, and I have wanted to go to an afternoon Orioles game together ever since I joined the department in 2006.  After a couple of false starts in previous years, we took a look at this year’s schedule and saw that they only play 3 afternoon games at home all year.  One was in April, one is in June, and the other is today.  We picked today, so that in case anything goes wrong, we still have another shot in June.  That’s how I ended up going to back-to-back, day/night baseball games.

So, I went to the game last night with Sitcom Kelly.  We met up at our usual pre-game spot, a bar called The Bullpen (right across from Camden Yards).  I always get some food from the street vendors before a game, so I got myself a nice giant hot dog, probably to make up for missing out on The Big Wahoo last week.  That was all I really needed… I was trying to cut down… but then I saw the cheeseburgers and they just looked so good, I couldn’t help myself.

Sitcom Kelly joined me as I was eating them at the bar.  As she saw what I was eating, she asked if I was still going to help her with the cheese pizza she always got.

Oops.  I forgot about that.  I definitely shouldn’t have gotten the cheeseburger.  But I couldn’t let that stop me from helping a friend in need.  But trust me; I paid for that transgression this morning with an urgent, unscheduled intestinal event.  (As in, “Everybody OUT!”)  What kind of world do we live in, that you can’t trust food cooked outdoors by people you wouldn’t let wash your car?

Anyway, we tried something new with our seats this time.  We found that you could get outfield club level seats for the same price as the ones in the lower left field bowl (where we usually sit).  We’re farther from the field with the club seats, but they still have their advantages.

First, you have a better perspective on the game, by sitting up a little higher.  But more importantly, you don’t have to mix with the riffraff from the cheap seats!  They won’t even let you onto that level unless you have the correct ticket.  Hah!

Anyway, this was the view from our “exclusive” club seats.

There weren't many people in our section, only about 10 at most.  That’s Sitcom Kelly there in orange in the 3^rd row.  My seat was on the aisle.

All day long, I kept checking the hourly weather report on Weather.com.  All day long it said, “0% chance of rain.”  So naturally, it began raining around the 2^nd inning.  It wasn't much, but enough for me to go, “WTF?  Zero percent?  How the hell does it rain when there’s ZERO PERCENT chance of rain?”

It stopped and started, and didn't really amount to much, until around the 7^th inning.

If you follow me on Twitter, (and why on earth wouldn't you?), you might have seen the tweet I took 10 minutes to laboriously pick out on my “dumb-phone.” 

At orioles game. Zero percent chance of rain in forecast. It's raining. #WhyMe
— bluzdude (@DarwinfishBluz) May 15, 2013

Because the game was lightly attended, we just moved back to the last row, so that we stayed dry under the overhang.  But all game long, I kept looking up, saying to Sitcom Kelly: “Zero percent?  Zero fucking percent??” 

I was not amused.  In fact, I want a personal explanation from Jim Cantore.

Just for that, I expect you to keep the hurricanes away from my parents for at least another two years.

The camera guy knew it was going to rain. 

I wonder where he got his information.  We were right behind him, so it was kind of cool to watch him work.  The monitor on the right is what he sees; the one on the left is what the TV is showing at the moment.  At least that’s how I remember it from my college TV Production class.

As for the game, it went by pretty quickly.  The O’s took a 2-1 lead in the bottom of the 8^th, then their Closer blew his first save since last July, and the Padres scored 2 in the 9^th, to win 3-2.  I was just happy the game didn't go to extra innings, because I was antsy to get home and watch the Pens game.  I mean, I would have left anyway, but I was glad I didn't have to.

It was the 2^nd time this year that I wore my new Manny Machado jersey and white-front cartoon bird hat, where the Orioles lost, so I won’t be sporting that combo again anytime soon.  (pic combo?  See if I used it before)

I was able to watch the entire Pens game in an hour and a half, thanks to the DVR and being able to fast-forward through both intermissions, every commercial break and stop in the action.  (Whoo Hoo!  Pens win 4-1!)

Now for today’s game, Don said he always wanted to go sit in the sun in the outfield for a weekday game, and enjoy a hot dog and a couple of beers.  You know, “Ferris Bueller” it.  So last week I got tickets in my usual spot, 2^nd row behind the left field wall.  Rather than schlep another jersey into work, I just went with the Traffic Cone Orange Orioles polo shirt.  The weather was not supposed to be an issue, with not much sun but temps expected to be in the low 80s.

The crowd was weirdly arranged. 

The view from our seats.

When do you ever see the upper deck full with the lower bowl half empty?  This is what happens when it’s “Field Trip Day” at the ballpark.  The upper deck was crammed with school children, which was excellent, considering I was in the lower deck.

Naturally, with over 32,000 on hand to see some beautiful daytime baseball, it rained.  Not hard, mind you, but just enough to piss me off, like nature was showing me who’s boss.

It would sputter and drizzle from time to time, even while the sun was shining.  But then in the 4^th inning, we saw the grounds crew come pouring out of their nest and line up behind the field tarp.  One of them unfastened the covering at the end.  It looked like they were expecting something harsh and were preparing to roll out the tarp at a moment’s notice.

I said to Don, as soon as it starts raining again, lets move back into the concourse.  No sense getting soaked, right?  So it starts raining and we retreat, but we don’t go to the concourse, we grabbed some seats under the overhang.  A few minutes later we looked and there was no one out at the tarp anymore, and it was all buttoned up.  WTF???  We went back to our original seats at the next inning break.

Just goes to show, whatever decision I make this year turns out to be the wrong one.  Suddenly I’m the walking, talking, blogging personification of Murphy’s Law.

It was funny around 2:30, half of the upper deck seemed to disappear.  We learned that a lot of the kids had to be back at their schools by 3, so they could catch their bus home.

Is the upper deck half full, or half empty?

Anyway, we had a decent enough time, watching the Orioles lose again, this time by a score of 8-4.  San Diego racked up 17 hits on the day.  We certainly got our money’s worth of baseball action.  But I tell you, I've been to 3 O’s games this year and they've lost all 3 times.

I think they should start paying me to stay home.  My presence is NOT helping the team.

Or maybe I just haven’t found the right jersey and cap combination yet.

Just in case you ever wanted a good look at a ball field’s grass and warning track…

Farting Around

Apparently this story has been out since December but it must have blown right by me.  While I was on vacation, my mom showed me this news clip from New York Times Magazine.  It seems a claims adjuster, for the Social Security Administration here in Maryland, received an official reprimand for alleged serial flatulence in his cubicle.

“A manager cataloged 60 incidents over 17 days (by date and time), noting the ‘unpleasant odor’ and claiming the offender was creating a ‘hostile work environment.’  The complaint was quickly rescinded once the higher-ups caught wind of it.”

You can read a more robust account of the situation by clicking here. 

First of all… Ahhhhhhhh HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!  Yes, farts are still funny and they’re even funnier at work.  Well, someone else’s work, anyway.  (And if you don’t agree, you’re probably not going to like the rest of this post.)

Secondly, I feel sorry for the poor guy.  (And was there ever any doubt it’s a guy?)  The cubicle walls over at Social Security must be really low, because like 100% of mankind, I have to pass a little gas at work sometimes too, and it’s never caused a commotion.  And I've never noticed anything drifting over from other cubes except the occasional spicy lunch.

So he’s got this intestinal problem and his boss is busting his ass about it.  Can there be anything more mortifying to go in your personnel record?  Maybe getting caught surfing midget porn, but the competition is limited.

I want to know about the boss.  Is this her dance, or is she reacting to staff complaints?  Who would actually take the time to chronicle the date and time of each “disturbance?”  It makes me wonder if she had a “smell” rating as well.

“It had a strong, eggy bouquet with a hang-time of around 10 minutes.  I give it a 9.”

I’m assuming the manager is a “she.”  No self-respecting dude would write another guy up for farting, unless he was strolling into someone else’s cube and dropping one on her head.  And even then, he’d probably give the guy a high-five first for the sheer audacity.

The manager here suggested the guy take care of his gassy business by going to the rest room.  Seriously.

That sounds like a Dilbert-esque management suggestion if I ever heard one.  First of all, if the guy is the serial farter they suggest he is, that’s going to be an awful lot of trips to the can.  Plus, when you have one in the chamber, it’s not terribly easy to go walking around.  You end up looking like an extra from March of the Penguins.  And chances are, if you do make it all the way to the bathroom, your “bullet in the chamber” has already gone back the way it came, to nestle in your innards until it decides to re-emerge at a much more embarrassing time..

This guy needs to work on his strategy a bit.  There are ways of off-loading a little methane without napalming your co-workers.  The first option is to try a little “crop-dusting.”  That’s when you walk through an unpopulated area of the floor and release your payload bit by bit.  But you have to be careful… you have to stop and linger every so often, or else your exhaust will follow you back to your desk.

I had an incident happen to me once, but I managed to get out of it unscathed.  I was having an epic gas attack (before I started keeping Gas-X in my desk).  I went to go crop-dusting, but I failed to linger anywhere.  So as I was walking back to my desk, I got stopped in the aisle by one of our office gabbers.  As he was getting into another pointless story about his cat, he caught wind of my vapor trail.  He was like, “and then he was licking his… Hey, do you smell that?”

I was all deer-in-the-headlights, until he said, “Oh, that must be Mary’s baby.  Now why couldn't she change him in the restroom?” 

When he threw me that lifeline, I’m not ashamed to say that I grabbed it.  Thank goodness one of our managers had her baby in the office that day… it totally took the heat off me.  That’s an underrated quality of pets and children… blame receptacles for passed gas.

Elevators are another trap.  Obviously you don’t drop one in the elevator when there’s anyone else onboard, unless you’re a sociopath.  But even if you’re alone, it’s best to cork it.  You never know who’s waiting to get on as you’re getting off.  And when you’re the only one on the elevator, there is no one else to blame.

If you must use an elevator, here’s what you do… you wait until you get to your floor and the doors open.  Then, if no one is waiting to get on, hold the doors open, fart for all you’re worth, and then release the car.  It will make for an ugly surprise for the next rider, but you’ll be off scot-free. 

Farts will keep, too.  That’s one of the best things I've learned by writing this blog.  Someone once commented that when she was a kid, she and her brother learned that they could fart in those little plastic bubbles that grocery store coin-op machine prizes come in, and then cap them.  Then even months later, when they opened the plastic bubble, the fart still maintained its original characteristics.

All I can say is that the people in my old neighborhood should thank their lucky stars that my brother and I never discovered that little fact when we were kids.  The next logical step would have been to figure out a way to ignite the gas.  Our neighbors were lucky they never had to witness what would have become known as The Great Flaming Gas Wars of 1975.

My brother was a bomb-dropping maniac back then.  He could clear a room with the best of them.  I swear he was part skunk, because he could use gas as a defense mechanism.  We’d be wrestling around and when I pinned him, he’d fart.  It’s probably an evolutionary mutation meant to compensate for being a younger brother.  It’s no surprise that his younger son does the same thing to his older brother too.

But they’ll never touch The King.  My brother was actually bestowed the title of The Fart King by his buddies.  Back when we took annual trips to Cleveland for the Browns/Steelers games, he would drive out from Baltimore with his friends.  And what happens when you get a bunch of young guys cooped up in a car together for 6 hours?

Farting contest.

Some of the guys even “trained” for the occasion, by loading up on beans and stuff.  All my brother needed to do was pick up some Burger King onion rings and he was good to go. 

One time the contest started while my brother was driving.  When it came to be his turn, he child-locked the windows before opening fire.

As his friends clawed at the windows and screamed for mercy, he said, “Say I’m King.  Admit I’m The King and I’ll open the windows.”

Some Kings have a Coronation.  My brother had a Ventilation.  After that trip, he told me, “There is nothing more satisfying than dropping a bad one and then looking in the rear view mirror and seeing everyone hanging their heads out the windows.”

Now, I know women fart too.  My mom was known for what I dubbed the “Motherly Oops Fart.”  She’d be off in the kitchen while we were in the other room, then we’d hear a 5-second, multi-tonal fart, followed by “Oops.”

My position was than no one gets to say “oops” after a performance like that.  I’m sure there had to be some wild gesticulating involved in order to produce that much sound and fury.  I just can’t see that happening accidentally.

When I was married, Future-Ex would NEVER admit she farted.  Hell, she denied she even had a digestive system.  As far as she was concerned the butthole was for decoration only.

I caught her one time.  We were sitting around the den and she just farted, quite audibly.  She must have forgotten I was there.  Anyway, I looked at her with an expression of shock and amusement.  She looked back at me, eyes as big as saucers, and just shot her arm out to point at the cat.  If only it had been a jungle cat we were keeping instead of a tabby, I might have bought it.

It’s funny how when you’re in a new relationship, you’ll do anything to keep from farting in front of your beloved.  I remember when I was dating my college girlfriend, I’d go over to her house for dinner and we'd end up in their family room, along with her whole family, until late into the evening.  Sometimes I’d have to fart so badly, but I didn't dare.  I’d shift and squirm, but damned if I was going to allow any “escapees.”

At the end of the night, we’d kiss goodnight and I’d go on my way.  Once the door closed, I’d practically skip all the way down to my car on the street, carpet-bombing the walkway as I went.  I’m surprised my feet even touched the ground.

What I didn't know until years later was that on the other side of the door, my girlfriend would be doing the same thing.  She’d slam her back against the front door with her arms outstretched, and bellow to her mom, “Oh thank Christ; I've been saving this up all night!”

Wouldn't it be easier on everyone if we all just came to some kind of accommodation?  Trust me, dates and relationships would go smoother and the Social Security Administration would be a much less “hostile environment.”

Look, farts are funny.  Always were, always will be.  My mom taught me that fact when I was but a boy.  One of the first jokes I ever learned was one of hers…

“A man was visiting the royal palace and as he was talking with the King and Queen, he let out a loud fart.”

The King thundered, “How dare you fart before my Queen!”

To which the guy responded, “I didn't know it was her turn.”

Call Me the Breeze

First off, please accept my apologies for going dark since Friday.  I intended to drop a post or two while I was on vacation, but I just never got around to it.  Whattya gonna do?

As you saw from my prior post, we got in just fine.  There were no lost bags, bumped seats, FAA labor shortage delays or terrorist threats.  We hit the ground and walked right into beer and pork chops.  

Porka Choppa ala Geezen

It seems like all we did for 5 days down there was eat and drink!  Not that it was a bad thing… it’s just more than I’m used to.

Not our usual Jack Daniels, but I’m always willing to branch out.

We’d go out for lunch or something, like Friday at the Chinese Buffet.  Normally with a lunch like that, I don’t eat dinner.  But there we were later, eating at the ballgame.  It was a regular “Mangiapalooza.”

Maybe we ate so much because the weather didn't really cooperate.  Normally when we visit in early May, it’s gorgeous out, with highs in the upper 70s and lower 80s.  This time we got rain early in our stay, and high winds for the rest of the time.

As I suspected, my touch with advance tickets has not improved.  I could have picked any day to go see the Double A league Pensacola Blue Wahoos, but I picked Friday.  This is what Friday looked like, as we approached the ballpark.

And this was what was on the horizon:

We knew there was a big rainstorm coming from the west, but the TV news assured us that it wouldn't be there until around 9:00.  I think they were in cahoots with the ball club and trying to coax some butts into the seats on a crappy night.  There was a constant drizzle, like a hard mist, that fell almost the entire night.  It really put a damper on things.  It was a shame, because we had some good seats; first row on the third base line, in the outfield.

This was the view from our seats.

Those two little dots are my parents, waiting for Pinky and me to come back from our pre-game mosey.

Last year, we took a walk around the ballpark when there wasn't anything going on.  It was then that I discovered they had a hot dog called “The Big Wahoo.”  Now after our big Chinese Buffet lunch, I didn't really need to eat, but I did want a look at a Big Wahoo.  So when Dad went up to get snacks, I told him Pinky and I would split one. 

Unfortunately, there was some kind of mix-up at the concession stand.  Not only did it take 20 minutes for them to hand over a hot dog and a grilled chicken sandwich, they said the Big Wahoo was a fish sandwich… the very blue wahoo for which the team is named. 

Since we’d already spent over 4-times the amount of time it should take after ordering, we just ate the fish sandwich.  But it bugged the crap out of me that they denied the existence of the Big Wahoo hot dog.  In fact, as we walked back to our seats, we went right by the stand where it claimed the Big Wahoo was “the largest hot dog you've ever seen!”  But like I said, we didn't want to fight about it.

Once the game started, the drizzle never stopped, so we left after two innings.  (We had DVRed the Penguins playoff game, so we had that to go back to.)  But the night wasn't a total loss… I got another baseball!

Well, I should say my dad saw a batting practice ball lying on the ground in the stands, so he picked it up and gave it to me.  Isn't that what you’re supposed to do?  A guy gets a ball and he gives it to his son.  OK, maybe the Statute of Limitations for us has run out.  But it was also Blue Wahoo “Snap Koozie” Night, so I came home with a pretty nice haul.

My Southern League trophy ball, with collectible Blue Wahoos beer cup.  See?  The ball came with its own cup holder.

Blue Wahoo Snap Koozies.  (In other words, foam strips with metal bands embedded inside.  They wrap around your bottle or can, to keep it cold.  Also, “The Snap Koozies” would make a great band name.

Saturday was Kentucky Derby Day, so we stuck close to home.  It was sunny out, but there was a steady 15-20 mph wind blowing, so it wasn't terribly conducive to sunning or swimming.  So Dad and I had iPad class, where I showed him some handy keyboard tricks and other useful things, and together we figured out how to iMessage and use FaceTime video conferencing.  (It’s easier to figure out when the two users are in the same room.)

In return for my services, Dad showed me the Bubble Explosion iPad game he plays, which then occupied about 75% of the rest of my stay.  I don’t know why, but there must be something innately satisfying about popping brightly colored bubbles, because it sure is addicting.

On Sunday, we ventured down to the beach for a little sightseeing before dinner.  They recently put up a giant Ferris wheel, so we thought we’d take it for a spin.

I know there is no scale, but it’s a big one… about 20 stories tall.

It certainly provided a nice view of the beach area.

Left side: Pensacola Sound.  Right side: Gulf of Mexico.

What cracked me up was the warning sticker on the inside of each car.  I don’t know what the hell they were warning me about… I could only guess.

Sunday started with the Penguins playoff came coming on at 11:00 AM.  You gotta love Central Time.  Afterwards, we went back to the beach, but it was still too windy to go in the water.  They had the yellow flags out, which were starched, most of the time.

They have a nice, long fishing pier, which makes for a nice walk.

You can’t really see it, but this guy just landed a fish, which is vigorously flapping around in front of the blue cooler.

What is it with Pensacola and their “Rules” signs?

Dammit!  There’s nothing I like better than getting drunk, naked and catching "Jaws"… followed immediately by defacing this sign and jumping off the pier.

After our stroll, we had lunch at a place called “Flounder’s.”  It was a pretty interesting place to look around. 

TGI Fridays called and said the place was too “busy.” 

By the way, that’s a replica of a 980-lb blue marlin that was caught nearby in 1985, which remains a Florida state record.  Also note the row of outboard motors that ring the ceilings.  If that restaurant ever sinks, they can just fire up those motors and putter along to the next location.

I should have taken a picture of the key lime pie, which was too much for even 3 of us to share; not that we didn't try.  But instead, I got this shot of a giant clam.

That’s one way to make your kids behave in the restaurant… threaten to feed them to the giant clam.

In order to work off all the meals, I have a very strenuous exercise regimen... I crush cans.  OK, I cheat by using a can crusher.  But it's one of my favorite parts of the trip.  As soon as I have my own house, I'm totally getting one.

 Step 1: Dimple the can and place it in The Crusher.

Step 2: Pull down the lever to reduce the can to a little itty-bitty thing.  Nothing like doing my part for The Environment!

Finally, on Tuesday, we had some glorious weather, which is predicted to stay around all week.

Even the Weather Stick was glad to see a nice day.

Unfortunately, we had an 8:30 AM flight out of town, so we got to enjoy exactly none of it.  But it’s nice to know it’s there.

I’m glad I took Wednesday off though.  As relaxing as vacationing with my folks is, I also need a day to recover. 

And also to get used to going a couple hours without a meal…

Down Time

Greetings from Gulf Breeze, Florida!

On Thursday, Pinky and I hopped a flight to go see my folks.

We left the sunshine of Baltimore, passed through the grayness of Atlanta,

Passed through some more sunshine,

and landed in a very gray Gulf Breeze.

But don't worry, it's supposed to be gorgeous for the rest of the week. My main concern right now is for the weather tonight. I have tickets for the Pensacola Blue Wahoos tonight, and I'd hate for the game to be rained out. After all, April is over! I'm sick of wasting money on tickets I can't use!

Obviously, the Pens' playoff game is tonight too, so we'll work the old DVR. I'll just have to be sure to stay off the Twitter.

I'll have more vacation news as it develops! Suffice to say, though, after the April I had, I really need a good vacation!

In and Out

The top news story on all channels yesterday was that a current professional athlete has come out of the closet.”  Washington Wizard Jason Collins came “out of the closet” in the press yesterday in an article he wrote for Sports Illustrated.  The announcement was historic because he was the first current player in any of the “big four” American sports to declare himself as gay.

Personally, I think it’s great news, and I hope his openness encourages other closeted athletes to stop living a lie.  No one should have to pretend to be someone they’re not.

So far, the responses reported in the media have been overwhelmingly favorable.  Numerous athletes, commentators and politicians have tweeted or been quoted as offering support.  ESPN reporter, Chris Broussard, differed stating that that Collins is “walking in open rebellion to God,” but he appears to be in the minority.  He became an instant target of social media.

Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace placed an ill-advised tweet:

I don’t believe Wallace was being hostile, just ignorant of what it means to be gay.  Still, I’m kind of glad the Steelers let him sign elsewhere this season.  I don’t think it’s uncommon for athletes to be behind the curve on such issues.  After all, their only job, from high school, through college, through their pro careers, has been to study their playbook, develop their bodies and practice their craft.  Most aren’t Rhodes scholars, is what I’m saying.  So I’m not surprised.

Anyway, if you follow the news, nothing I’ve said so far should be new to you.  My point today is that we’ve only gotten through the easy stuff with this story so far.  All the attention and commentary on the newness and groundbreaking nature of the story is a piece of cake.  In the weeks to come we will see the hard part.

 As with Broussard and Wallace, people who comment against the grain of this “feel-good” story tend to get smacked down quite aggressively.  Social media climbs all over them, sometimes their employers coerce an apology or distance themselves from the comment.

Remember that 49ers cornerback that spoke up about not wanting a gay teammate, during the run-up to the Super Bowl?  That became a major news story and the dude quickly found himself nose deep in Sensitivity Training classes.  I’m guessing a lot of ball players noticed that, so I’m not surprised there wasn’t a lot of negative commentary.  Seriously, who the hell wants to go to Sensitivity Training?

I’ll be interested to see what happens going forward.  What happens the next time Collins drops a hard foul on somebody?  What’s the dude going to call him as he gets up off the ground? 

And don’t even get me started about the fans.  I think the players are Mensa candidates compared to some of the life forms found in arenas and stadiums.  I think you’re going to see a new “F-word” trending in the stands any time the Wizards come to town.  Fans may hold their tongue when the going is good, but let the guy screw up and then watch what happens.

I mean, look what happened to Kordell Stewart!  If you’re reading from The Burgh, you know what I’m talking about.  Stewart used to be quarterback for the Steelers, from the mid 90s through the early 2000s.  He was a Pro Bowl caliber player and he was basically run out of town, due in part to a baseless rumor about his sexuality, which just would not die.

There was never an ounce of proof about any of it, but everyone had a cousin’s neighbor’s brother that “saw” something going on in a local park.  Personally, I think the whole thing stemmed from the time Stewart appeared to be caught crying on TV after getting pulled from a game.  The “gay” rumors popped up almost immediately afterward, and never went away.

Now, as a Steeler fan residing far from Pittsburgh, I heard every gay-related epithet known to mankind, hurled at Stewart (or anyone wearing his jersey) from up in the stands.  And from what I gathered, it wasn’t much different on home turf, any time he threw an interception.

I know it was a different time then.  Maybe everyone just hadn’t seen enough “Will and Grace” yet, or gotten to know Neil Patrick Harris.  Maybe it will be different in 2013. 

But I doubt it. 

Calling another guy gay, in variable terminology, has been the go-to slur since time began.  I know that was always the ace in the hole on the playgrounds of my youth, and judging from conversations with my nephew, it is on his playground too.

So good luck to Jason Collins… he’ll need it.  I hope some more guys come out as well, and provide some cover.  There’s strength in numbers. 

I bet it helps to be 7-foot tall and 255 pounds, too.

Jersey City

The Pittsburgh Penguins’ regular season wrapped up last night, with an 8-3 win over Carolina.  This was the game I for which I should have bought tickets.  Maybe I’ll try next year.  I was scared off by the promotion, but I should have checked the availability first.  On the last home game of the year, the Pens hold “Shirt off their Backs” night, where fans are drawn from the crowd to come down on the ice and be given a player’s jersey, right off their backs.  I know the odds are long… with crowds of about 18,000 and 20 players, that’s about 1 in 900.  Not lottery odds, but still pretty long.

Anyway, in honor of the end of the lockout-shortened regular season, I thought I’d tally up my year in Game Jersey Mojo.  As you probably know, I chart all kinds of mojo variables for football.  With a 16-game schedule, that’s not too big of an undertaking.  But with an 82 game schedule, or in the case of this year, a 48 game schedule, I only track what I wear versus the game outcome.  So let’s get to the results, shall we?

Record: 8-2, Winning percentage .800

1) The white James Neal was my visiting team workhorse this year, which was nice because I really like this jersey.  I got it late last year, where I didn't wear it often because it hadn't yet acquired enough mojo.  (Pens went 1-2 when I wore it last year.)

5-2    .714

2) Post-lockout Mario jersey from early 2000s.  This was my top jersey last year, (10-2), and the mojo was still good.  I love the look of this jersey, and I kind of wish they’d bring it back.

3-0  1.00

3) Mario jersey from the 1990-2 Stanley Cup years.  Technically this (and the next two) jersey(s) had perfect records, but I’m lowering their standings due to a limited sample size.

3-0    1.00

4) White “Corporate Pigeon” jersey from the mid 90s through early 2000s.  This used to be a Jagr jersey but I had the 68 turned into a 66, and the “O” put on when Mario bought the team.  I’m aware that could be considered a “jersey foul,” but I don’t care.  I love the idea.

1-0    1.00

5) “Snoop Dogg” Mario jersey, from the same era as the prior one.  I only wore this on once… last night, to be specific.  I didn't want to worry about crossing momentum into the playoffs, so I picked a jersey I could wear as a one-off.  I actually had this on once or twice for games this season, only to find out at the last second that the Pens were wearing their blue “3^rd jerseys,” and subsequently had to make a quick change.

You know, if I took the records of all my “classic” (non-current) jerseys and put them together, they went 12-2.  Not bad for nostalgia…

4-1    .800

6) Marc-Andre Fleury “Winter Classic” jersey.  I wore this whenever the Penguins did.  Their record was good, but I knocked it down the standings because it still had bad mojo.  Sidney Crosby was wearing it when he got his jaw broken by a slap shot.  There have been other Penguin injuries that occurred as well, while wearing this sweater.  In fact, the Penguins were supposed to wear it one more time, but decided to retire it for good.  This one won’t see the light of day again.

The Flower just became a father this week, when his wife had a baby girl they named Estelle.  I was kind of hoping for a boy… a small Flower that they could name “Bud.”

6-3    .666

7) New this year, a white Sidney Crosby jersey.  When I got this one, I got rid of my black Sid jersey.  (I said last year that I wanted to upgrade.  It’s sad when a knockoff “authentic” is considered an improvement over a legitimate “replica.”)

2-1    .666

8) Black Evgeni Malkin jersey.  This was also new last year and went 3-0 in limited use.  I expected it to be a workhorse this year, but after the Pens lost the first game where I wore it, it took 2 months before I tried it again.  But by then, I had my methodology down.  More on that later.

3-2    .600

9) Black Brooks Orpik jersey.  This was also new this year and the Pens lost the first time I wore it.  Two months later, they won 3 in a row, so it was redeemed in my eyes.  I was going to wear this one to the game last weekend, before it got postponed.

10) No jersey:  1-1  .500

This happened twice… the first was the night I had the kidney stone attack.  I didn't have time (or capability) of getting a jersey on, and the Pens lost big.  The other game was the day we arrived in Pittsburgh and the Pens were playing Boston in a make-up game, the one that caused my game to get postponed.  I was too irritated to pack a jersey for that game, but the Pens won.

Season analysis: None of my jerseys ended up with a losing record, but I suppose I can’t take ALL the credit.  The Pens only lost 12 games all year long.  But after a bumpy start, where I couldn't discern any kind of pattern, I was noticed that the Pens would go on a bit of a streak, and one jersey would get me 3 wins but never a 4^th.  At the beginning of March, I began changing jerseys after 3 wins and the Pens promptly went on a 15-game winning streak.  You’re welcome.  The only time I broke the 3-game consistency was when they’d wear their blue jerseys.

Obviously, the playoffs are an entirely different animal.  I’ll use the track record I've established to give me a start, but I’ll have to keep my eyes peeled for any necessary adjustments.  I might be hampered a bit during the first series, because I’ll be in Florida for at least a couple of games.  That means I’ll be locked into whatever I pack.  If all seems lost though, I might be able to borrow a jersey from my dad, or if I’m really desperate, from my mom.  Not sure her Letang jersey will fit me though…

Get Me Out of This Month

I don’t know about you, but April has been absolutely brutal to me.  In fact, ever since the Ratbirds won the Super Bowl, it’s like everything I've touched has turned to shit.  It’s probably the manifestation of all the negative energy I've put out towards the Ratties, coming back home to roost.

I've already written about a bunch of the things that have gone wrong… I mean, kidney stones… hello?  And then going into A-fib right afterwards?  And coming down with a cold right after that?  I was lucky it was just ending last Friday before we headed for our Pittsburgh weekend.

And all the sports tickets I dropped a ton of cash on earlier this year?  So far, for the first three games that have occurred, I've only been able to use 3 of the 6 tickets.  I’m hemorrhaging money like the Iraqi government, right now.

I mean, think about it… When I ordered my Pens tickets, there were 48 games on the schedule, 24 of which were home games.  I could have picked any game to attend, but the one I did pick was the 1^st game in ages… and I can’t remember anything like this happening EVER before… to be moved.  What are the odds?  And then not to be able to find anyone to take the seats, in a hockey-crazed town like Pittsburgh?  Unreal!

And then there are the things you don’t know about, like my latest apparel purchase snafus.  I already mentioned being under-whelmed by my Manny Machado jersey, because it didn't come with front numbers and the lettering wasn't properly stitched. 

Around the same time I ordered that, I also ordered a Penguins polo shirt… a men’s, white, size-XL.  What they shipped to me was a women’s, black, size-S Blackhawks jersey, which is just about as opposite from my actual order as you can get.  I know I ordered correctly, because my email confirmation lists it properly.  But the invoice and the shirt were dead wrong.

So sure, I returned it, but I naturally had to pay postage.  AND, guess what day it was when I took my lunch hour to nip over to the post office?  April 15^th, that’s what.  Do you know what else is going on at the post office on April 15^th?  A hillion-jillion-quintillion people are lined up to mail their deadline-day tax returns, that’s what.  I could feel my shirt turning to shit right there in the box.  Sure, I mailed it the next day, but not without that big runaround, first.

I also ordered a new Orioles jersey this spring.  I wanted an actual “white” replacement for my “cream” colored Nick Markakis jersey.  I found one on E-Bay and won the auction with a bid of $36.00.  I made the Pay-Pal payment immediately, to facilitate receiving the jersey by opening day.  Unfortunately, the seller was a first time E-Bay user and didn't have a clue what he was doing.

First, he told me someone else won.  I told him that E-Bay told me I won, and I already paid for the jersey.  (All communication was via E-Bay’s internal email system.)  He said that he didn’t think he had the money yet, but wasn’t sure how to find out if he did.

I told him to check his Pay-Pal account, and said that I confirmed with my bank that the money had already been taken from my account.  Eventually he said he found the money and would ship my jersey.  It had taken about a week to get to that point.

The middle of the next week, I checked back to see if he’d shipped yet.  He said he hadn’t, and due to the snow (in the northeast) he wouldn't be able to until the weekend.  When I checked that weekend, he said he mailed it on the Friday.

When the following Friday came and I didn't have the jersey, I contacted him and asked for the tracking number.  He said his sister had mailed it, and didn't get a tracking number.  We confirmed my address and he asked that I give it another week for the jersey to show up.

All along, I was wondering if this guy was a con artist, or just incompetent.  But I stayed calm and measured, so that I could present the chain of emails to E-Bay, should I need to make a case to get some consideration.

When the jersey still hadn't arrived (after a full month of back and forth), I told him I’d been patient long enough and I’d had about all I could take of this mess.  He offered to refund my money, and I took it.  Naturally, I didn't get ALL of my money back.  E-Bay took a $7 cut of the original sale, and then another $1.50 of the refund transaction.  But at least I got most of it back.

Funny, I was so irked about losing $8.50, and now I just pissed away $300 on those Pens tickets I couldn't use.

So April can’t end soon enough for me.  But I’m worried about May too, though.  We’re heading for Florida on May 2^nd, and I’m hearing about all these flight delays due to air traffic controller furloughs.  If we get stuck in Atlanta, I’ll understand that it’s nature’s way of extracting the Ratbirds’ revenge.  Bitch…

I guess I could have it worse.  It’s not like I worked for NASA and accidentally drew a schlong on Mars.

But if the Penguins wash out of the playoffs in the first round again, I’ll know I’ll need to buckle up, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride this year.