Helpful Stuff to Know

If you're new to Darwinfish2, I figured I should put up some kind of introductory page, chock full of helpful shit about me, my site and the cast of characters that tend to pop up here regularly.

My family is from Pittsburgh PA and most of my relatives still live there.  Though we left "The Burgh" when I was 6, I learned to be a die-hard Steelers and Penguins fan.  If the Pirates ever become relevant again, I will be their fan again too.  I also loathe the Baltimore Ravens, aka The Ratbirds.  My reasons are many and specific, and I spelled them out here.  I spend a great deal of time sparring with Ratbird fans and celebrating their every setback.  I have been called the Poster Child for Schadenfreude.

During hockey season, the Philadelphia Flyers become Public Enemy #1.  (And that's the only thing at which they'll ever be #1.)

I've also lived outside Chicago for 2 years, Columbus for 5 years, in the farmland outside Toledo for 10, Cleveland for 4, Albany NY for 7, and settled here in Baltimore in 1997.  I've been here ever since.  I work downtown, ride the subway, and carry a bag, just like a real live grownup.

I've always been interested in writing and entertaining.  Ever since I was a kid, whenever I was assigned writing projects, I'd always use the opportunity to tell funny stories or otherwise try to make people laugh.  My mom used to teach freshman English in college (and at many other levels) and so was always my Editor in Chief.  All I ever wanted to hear from her was, "It's fine, turn it in."

Naturally, that never, EVER happened.  Remember that this was long before PCs were invented, so to revise, one had to retype the whole paper.  It was a serious pain in the balls, but it had to be done, and I learned a lot about writing from all that ball-pain.

So, here are some factoids about Darwinfish2 that may help you understand what its all about:
  • I used to post 3 times per week, but now I'm pretty much down to once a week.  I cannot access my blog from work so all posts are put up after 6:00 pm.  I usually respond to comments; I look at comments like the "after-party", and enjoy the give and take.
  • I enjoy dropping the random F-bomb, as well as MF-bombs, S-bombs, GD-bombs and any other bombs you can imagine, so if rough language offends you, this probably isn't the place for you.  
  • I also enjoy word play, bad puns and inventing colorful terminology.  Some words just need inventing...
  • I used to work in music retail.  I've always been a music geek.  Music will turn up a lot.  Same with movies and TV.  I'm an entertainment industry junkie.  In March of 2010, I posted a series of stories from my music business days, featuring all my brushes with the greats and near-greats.  You can read the first one here, and the next 10 (if you're so inclined) immediately follow.  (Just click "newer post.")
  • I am an unrepentant liberal and am prone to rant, from time to time, about the narrow-minded religious bigots trying to cram everyone into their particular tight-assed idology or corporate shills that are trying to take the country away from the average American.
  • I have absolutely no use for organized religion.  I know that there are those that find comfort in their church and if they can keep it at that, I have no issue.  The problem I have is when the Church People try to un-separate Church and State, and butt into politics and public policy.  Our country was founded, not only based on freedom of religion, but freedom FROM religion.  Be as religious as you want, just leave the rest of us, who value science over mythology, out of it.  I will rant about all of this also, when the situation calls for it.
  • Most of the time, I just like to tell stories and laugh.  If you do too, stick around.
  • From time to time, you'll see "Director's DVD Commentary," either within a post or in Comments.  This is where I reveal some behind-the-scenes stuff about the creation of that particular post, or some other peripheral point apart from the main post.  It's modeled after the special features that show up on DVDs, where the director or actors talk about making the movie.
  • You'll notice a lot of the same commenters show up.  Almost all of them have their own blogs too.  You should check them out; they're wise, brilliant and funny.  They're also dear people, some of the best people I've never met!  And that's only a partially true statement now because on 8/1/10, I got to meet a bunch of Pittsburgh bloggers and commenters on two separate occasions.  You can read about the first adventure, the Darwinfish Fry, here.
  • Yes, this blog was actually banned in Bahrain.  You can read about it here.
  • You'll see some people turn up again and again in my posts...
    • Pinky:  my girlfriend, from before this blog started, until November of 2013. You can read about our demise, here.
    • My parents:  So many of my stories start with them... they have both formed the person I have become.  Both read the site... Mom comments as "Mary Ann".
    • Sitcom Kelly: a former co-worker, we are both working on a sitcom based on her life... not that it will ever go anywhere, but it's just fun to put together on paper.  Her goal in life is to capture and keep Pittsburgh Penguins defenseman Kris Letang in a basement "Silence of the Lambs" pit.
    • My nephews, Daniel (16) and Sam (9).  Both belong to my brother Ed.  I don't have children of my own, so I have to borrow with these guys to play with.  
    • My sister Annie, aka Bluz Sister.  She lives in Cincinnati with her husband and former childhood sweetheart Scottie, and their cat.
    • My best friends, Rik and John.  Both live in the aforementioned farmland outside Toledo.  We've been friends since high school and a guy could not ask for any better companionship than what I've gotten from these two guys.  We've also lost one... our friend Brill died in 2001 and he will never be forgotten.
    • When I lived out in the farmlands of NW Ohio, we had a barn that we converted into a huge party room and eventual separated family room.  My buddies (above) and I settled in there and created a whole kind of "tribe" mentality.  The stories are many, and entertaining.  Suffice to say, we could never have done all that in this day and age.  You can read about them here, (establishing The Barn) here, (Barn parties) here , (practical jokes) here (remodeling The Barn) and here (the music).  


Key passages from The Book of Bluz (a work in progress):

Bluz 3:16
"Anyone that claims to know the will of God is a fool or a con.  If they ask for money, it's the latter."

Bluz 3:17
"When in doubt, mind your own fucking business."

Bluz 3:18
Bluz' Maxim of Public Transportation: If you miss your train or bus by less than a minute, the next one will arrive late.

Bluz 3:19
"When you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one; least of all, yourself."

Bluz 3:20
"The only power that people around you have over you is that which you give them."

Bluz 3:21
"Bluz Rule of Relationships: One strike, yer out.  You only get one chance to break my heart."

Bluz 3:22
"The only way to guarantee that is doesn't rain is to go to great trouble to carry your rain gear.  The more pieces you carry, (ponchos, rain pants, umbrellas...) the less likely it is to rain."

Bluz 3:23
The Freedom of Speech Fallacy: "When people can't defend the content of a statement, they enthusiastically espouse the right to state it."

Bluz 3:24
Whether it's at a ballgame, a concert, or whatnot, if you're the only one standing up, you're an asshole.  A complete, self-centered, self absorbed, inconsiderate, flaming asshole.  Everyone else who bought a ticket didn't pay to see your back all night.

Bluz 3:25, Subheading: Advice from Another Childless Douche


Urchin's Law: The perceived cuteness of a child is directly proportional to the emotional connection:


Connection

Perception of Child

Your child
Approaches “deity”

Child of sibling or close relative
Has looks of an angel, wisdom of Buddha

Child of close friend
An angel, with just enough devil to pay back your friend for their prior indiscretions

Child of distant relative
Instrumental in carrying on the family name, not much else

Random child in street or store
Target practice

Child on a plane



The Anti-Christ
*  A kid will give you as much shit as you will take.  You take no shit, you get no shit.
* There is no magic age to start a kid on learning your rules.  They don't just snap-to when they turn 4 or 5.  Training must start at Day One.  (Or at least Day 120)
* Be the parent, not their buddy.  You can try both but the first option has to trump the second.
* As soon as you give in to your child, you give them incentive to argue about every future point.  They'll always know they've got a shot at getting their way if they can just wear you down.
* A united front is key.  Children are adept at playing one against the other.  The Chiefs must stand united against the Indians.  (A nod to my buddy John for the phrasing on this one.)
* Your primary mission is to teach your kids the skills to be and value in being independent.  Busting down all obstacles and smoothing every bump in the road is doing your kids a disservice.  Again, the will to stand on one's own does not just pop up when one hits 18.  Or 21.  Or any other age.  So sayeth Another Childless Douche.

9 comments:

  1. OMG, LOVE that you did this page! I knew most of it already but I'm very glad to see it!

    Perhaps I should do my own... my code names for people are getting long and confuzzled...

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  2. Woman,
    Gee, thanks for noticing… 2 months after the fact! Lol…

    No, I figured I needed a place to declare what this site is about… my “Mission Statement” if you will. (And I hate those stupid corporate navel-gazing devices)

    People that come here fresh should have somewhere to look and see whether they’ll feel at home here. Plus, I hate having to keep re-explaining the people and places.

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  3. Yep, I hear ya.
    You know I've had an extremely busy summer - don't hate! :(
    lol

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  4. There's no hate! You're the only one to even comment here!

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  5. Oh, how true! See, it's because I'm the only one who REALLY loves you (Pinky aside, of course)

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  6. Just stopped by from the comment you left on my blog. Apparently, you're the man of my dreams. I'm a redhead, too, but being that you're all the way on the opposite coast, it is unlikely that I will ever have the opportunity to pull a "Leann Rimes." Or a "Tori Spelling." Or any number of other skanky man-stealing bitches with the notable exception of Angelina Jolie because I was over Jennifer Aniston before Brad was. And let's face it, Angie is entitled to a little bad girl stuff because of all the good she does.

    Seriously, as one bleeding-heart liberal to another, I look forward to reading your stuff and exchanging ideas.

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  7. Jayne,
    Thanks for stopping by. I found your blog a couple weeks ago and have had it up on my blogroll ever since. (Hot liberal chicks are cool!)

    Hope you enjoy visiting here... welcome to the club!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great page. So glad I stumbled upon your blog. I have much in common with your mindset and am pleased to meet someone who will never say "I am praying for you". Wtf does that even mean?! My husband has a darwin fish proudly displayed on the back of our car. So sorry you were banned from Bahrain. How hurtful. :) I must go give that post a read!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you came by. I’m looking forward to having you join the conversation!

      Delete

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