A Cut to Higher Education That Really Hurts

We’ve had a lot of noteworthy deaths recently (sadly, not him), but none really hit me hard. There was Ozzy Osbourne (Prince of Darkness) followed by Chuck Mangione (Prince of Flugelhorn). I liked a couple of Ozzy songs, but he wasn’t a big favorite, and that Mangione song was pretty nice, back in the 80s, so I was like, “Whatevs.” Then Hulk Hogan went and again, no big deal to me. I figure the biggest impact his passing has will be on the sales of tear-away t-shirts and spray-tan supplies.

Then today, I got word of a passing that really hurt. Many people will be like, “Whatevs,” and many more will be like, “Who?” But today, I must mourn the passing of a legend of musical satire and wordplay, Tom Lehrer.

Lehrer was a Harvard math professor who, in the 50s and 60s, became an underground musical hit, mostly in academic circles. (Full bio in the link above.) He was what you’d get if you crossed William F Buckley with Weird Al Yankovic. He played nightclubs and auditoria, and toured the world performing low-brow humor for high-brow crowds. He also wrote a couple of songs for the old kids’ show, “The Electric Company.” This is a bigger hit to academia than the destruction of the Department of Education

My parents had a Tom Lehrer record that I remember from when I was in first and second grade, simply called “Songs by Tom Lehrer.” It was just him and a piano, and I loved listening to it because it sounded like so much fun. He frequently used different accents when it suited the song, and the music could be quite rollicking. Back then, I mostly had no idea what the songs were really about, so I’d ask questions.

“Mommy, what does plagiarize mean?”

That was from a song called Lobachevski, about a Russian mathematician who encourages and celebrates the copying of others’ work. He sang it with a Russian accent, which I could identify because I often heard it from “Boris Badenov” on the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons, and it had a marvelous Russian-style rhythm to it, often punctuated with cries of “Aye!”

I learned a lot of other words that were far from standard lower-elementary vocabulary lists, and I’m sure it contributed to my lifelong pursuit of wordplay, clever turns of phrase, and tortured rhymes. But more on that in a minute.

It also began honing my appreciation for the taboo, like with the song called “Be Prepared.” If that sounds familiar, it got name-checked in the classic action movie, Speed, when Dennis Hopper tells Keanu Reeves, “Be prepared, Jack, that’s the Boy Scouts’ marching song.” That’s ripped right from the opening line of the song, which goes on to cast aspersions upon the hallowed scout troops:

“Be prepared, that’s the Boy Scout’s solemn creed,

Be prepared, and be clean in word and deed,

Don’t solicit for your sister, that’s not nice...

Unless you get a good percentage of her price!

[Snip to the big finale]

“If you’re looking for adventure of a new and different kind,

And you come across a Girl Scout who is similarly inclined,

Don’t be nervous, don’t be flustered, don’t be scared,

Be Prepared!”

I read that this was the one that got him in the most trouble. In fact, there were some markets where they wouldn’t allow him to play unless he omitted Be Prepared.

That album also contained songs about drug dealers (The Old Dope Peddler), a tribute to effete Ivy League football (Fight Fiercely Harvard) which is sung in an accent Charles Winchester III would later use on MASH, a folk song parody (An Irish Folksong) in which the main character kills everyone in her family, and one even my 6-year old self could understand, The Hunting Song.

“I always will remember, twas a year ago November

I went out to hunt some deer, on a mornin’ bright and clear.

I went and shot the maximum the game laws would allow,

Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow.

[snip to the bridge]

The law was very firm, it

Took away my permit,

The worst punishment I ever endured.

It turned out there was a reason,

Cows were out of season

And one of the hunters, wasn’t insured.

 

People ask me how I do it and I say there’s nothing to it.

You just stand there looking cute,

And when something moves, you shoot.

And there’s ten stuffed heads

In my trophy room right now,

Two game wardens, seven hunters, and a pure-bred Gurnsey cow!”

 Notice the “firm, it/permit” rhyme. I loved those. This guy was a master of creating rhymes out of nothing, bending and combining words into rhymes, the more tortured, the better.

One more tawdry excerpt from this album was a bit from The Weinerschnitzel Waltz, lovingly played in traditional waltz tempo.

From the mid-song interlude:

“I drank some champagne from your shoe, la la la

I was drunk by the time I was through, la la la,

For I didn’t know as I raised that cup,

It had taken two bottles to fill the thing up.

 

It was I who stepped on your dress, la la la,

The skirts all came off I confess, la la la,

Revealing for all of the others to see,

Just what it was that endeared you to me…”

I remember figuring out what he was getting at there, and being proud that I was now in on the joke like the rest of the grown-ups.

Later into my teen years, I obtained two of his other albums, both performed in front of audiences. Those were “An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer” and “That was the Year That Was.” The latter was a TV variety show called That Was the Week That Was, from 1964, in which he’d play a weekly song. While all of his songs were culturally relevant, these were right from the week’s headlines, and definitely some of his best work. A lot of people have heard his song, “Pollution.”

Pollution, pollution, you got smog and sewage and mud,

Turn on your tap, and get hot and cold running crud.”

The album opens with a tribute to “National Brotherhood Week,” talking about how once we behave for the special week, we can go back to being pricks to each other when it’s over.

“Oh the Protestants hate the Catholics,

And the Catholics, hate the Protestants,

And the Hindus hate the Muslims,

And everybody hates the Jews…

But during National Brotherhood Week

New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans ‘cause it’s very chic,

Step up and shake the hand of someone you can’t stand,

You can tolerate him if you try.”

I was delighted to see this run in the Baltimore Sun. The quote is from the introduction to National Brotherhood Week.

There was one about how our space program was being led by ex-Nazi, Dr Werner Von Baun.

With thick German accent:

“’Vunce ze rockets are up, who cares vhere zey com down.

Zat’s not my department,’ says Werner Von Braun.”

There was one I loved, called “Alma,” about a woman whose considerable charms allowed her to marry three of the top creative men in Central Europe.

“The first one she married was Mahler,

Whose buddies all knew him as Gustav,

And each time he saw her, he’d holler, (in German accent)

“Ach, that is the Fraulein I must have.”

Alma, tell us,

All modern women are jealous.

Though you didn’t even use “Ponds,”

You got Gustav and Walter and Franz.”

I still get crossword puzzle answers based on knowing who those three guys are.

Who’s Next was about the nuclear race.

(In Egyptian music rhythm)

Egypt’s gonna get one toooo

Just to use on You Know Who

(Now in Israeli music rhythm)

So, Israel’s getting tense,

Wants one in self-defense,

The Lord’s our Shepherd, says the psalm,

But just in case… we better get a bomb!

Who’s next?”

The masterpiece on the album was “The Vatican Rag.” That one shook some people up, but it was so happy and peppy, with its ragtime beat, theycouldn’t stay offended.

I was going to reproduce the whole song’s lyrics, but hell, I might as well just link a performance of the song. It’s short though, only 2:45, half of which is introduction.

Look at the rhymes in there… see what I mean? Want if/Pontiff, religion’ll/original. Great stuff.

The other album had the classic “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park,” as well as a tribute to college life, Bright College Days:

“Soon we’ll be out, amid the cold world’s strife,

Soon we’ll be sliding down the razor blade of life!”

How’s that for post-grad pessimism?

If you watched The Big Bang Theory regularly, you might remember an episode where Sheldon gets drunk before giving a presentation and starts singing the names of all the chemical elements. He’s doing a Tom Lehrer song, which is literally the names of the elements on the periodic table, sung to the tune of The Major General’s song from Pirates of Penzance. Sheldon only goes about half-speed. The original is an almost impossible tongue twister, zipping through all those quadra-syllabic names. He concludes with:

“These are the only ones of which the news has come to Hah-vahd…

And there may be many others, but they haven‘t been discaaaavahed.”

This song is similar to another of his called, New Math, where he goes through a subtraction problem, using the new method of teaching I suffered through at the time. From the intro,

“The idea is to know what you’re doing… RATHER than to get the right answer.

He goes on to repeat the problem, this time in “base-8.”

He says, “Base 8 is just like Base 10, really… if you’re missing two fingers!”

You know, I could probably go on indefinitely, calling out favorite bits and clever rhymes, but I think I’ve gone on about it long enough.

For the longest time, I never knew what the guy looked like. None of his album art featured his picture, and he was notoriously camera-averse. Eventually, with the internet, there is a wealth of pictures, lyric sheets, conversations, and whatnot about this slice of 60s talent and wit. If he’d have continued performing into this day and age, he could have dropped the wildest rap lyrics to date. There’s nothing he couldn’t rhyme… I even heard he was able to set up a rhyme with “orange.” (The article wouldn’t play on my browser, so I have to take the word of the headline.)

Whenever I’m in a crowd of unfamiliar people, at a party or whatnot, I can often find a like mind by dropping a line from either Monty Python, or Tom Lehrer. Whoever responded, I knew those were my people.

This is a guy who reveled in taking shots at the upper crust and the status quo, and always with a twinkle and an impish tone. His erudite lyrics padded my childhood vocabulary far beyond what the sisters at St. Euthenasius were teaching. Even though he hasn’t performed in decades, I can’t help but feel that the world is a dimmer place without him. From the halls of academia to the stalls in beer halls, he will be forever missed.

RIP, Professor. Play us out…

We Will All Go Together When We Go, about a nuclear war to end all wars. Check these wicked rhymes.

When you attend a funeral,

It is sad to think that sooner or'l

Later those you love will do the same for you.

And you may have thought it tragic,

Not to mention other adjec-

Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do.

(But don't you worry.)

 

No more ashes, no more sackcloth,

And an arm band made of black cloth

Will someday nevermore adorn a sleeve.

For if the bomb that drops on you

Gets your friends and neighbors too,

There'll be nobody left behind to grieve.

 

And we will all go together when we go.

What a comforting fact that is to know.

Universal bereavement,

An inspiring achievement,

Yes, we will all go together when we go.

 

We will all go together when we go.

All suffused with an incandescent glow.

No one will have the endurance

To collect on his insurance,

Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.

 

Oh we will all fry together when we fry.

We'll be French-fried potatoes by and by.

There will be no more misery

When the world is our rotisserie,

Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

 

Down by the old maelstrom,

There'll be a storm before the calm.

 

And we will all bake together when we bake.

There'll be nobody present at the wake.

With complete participation

In that grand incineration,

Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.

 

Oh we will all char together when we char.

And let there be no moaning of the bar.

Just sing out a Te Deum

When you see that I.C.B.M.,*

And the party will be come-as-you-are.

 

Oh, we will all burn together when we burn.

There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn.

When it's time for the fallout

And Saint Peter calls us all out,

We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.

 

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas.

Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollahs.

 

And we will all go together when we go.

Every Hottentot and every Eskimo.

When the air becomes uranious,

We will all go simultaneous.

Yes, we all will go together

When we all go together,

Yes we all will go together when we go.

Very late addition

I have to include this incredible three-way rhyme from So Long Mom, his rally song for the anticipated World War III, name dropping the famed Chet Huntley- David Brinkley evening news show.

"So long Mom, I'm off to drop The Bomb, 

So don't wait up for me.

But while you swelter, down there in your shelter,

You can see me... On your TV.

While we're attacking frontaly, 

Watch Brink-el-ly and Hunt-a-ly,

Desribing contrapuntally

The cities we have lost.

No need for you

to miss a minute 

of the agonizing holocaust. Yeah!"

  

The Hacky Habits of News Aggregators and I Can’t Even

I’ve used Yahoo News pages as my home screen and main news site since I got my first computer in 1999. It’s not so much loyalty as it is inertia, because I haven’t made much of an effort to find a better one.

But some of the things I see there get right on my last nerve, so I thought I’d complain about them a bit and see if you agree.

The I’s Have It

One of the things that drives me the buggiest is the use of “I,” “me,” and “my” in the headlines, thus putting the author in the middle of the story. Like two of these here:

Plus another:

Listen, I don’t care how a story affects some rando content provider. Who are you, and why are you in the story? This happens a lot with Buzzfeed stories, but it’s common elsewhere. While scrolling through today’s news items, I saw this construction more than a half-dozen times. It’s a lazy way to make your article seem relevant to the reader. And to add insult to injury, the article is never as jaw-gaping as they make it seem.

It’s even worse when they use the “and I’m Here for it” trope. Like, “So and So Wore a Nice Dress and I’m Here for it.” Look, no one cares where you are or for what purpose. Leave yourself out of the narrative and just cover the red carpet, OK?

It’s Drafty in Here

Another article I skip 100% of the time is anything about an NFL “Mock Draft.” (An example is in between the I-stories in the first graphic.) The headlines always make it look like big news, a scoop of epic proportions. Now, I’m as interested in the draft as any chronic football fan but I also know that these mock drafts are just the opinion of a couple of sportswriters, sitting in an office somewhere, with varying degrees of expertise. And the chances that they actually know what the draft participants (GMs and owners) are thinking are nil. Team decision-makers keep that shit close to the vest until it’s time to announce their picks. These self-important draft prognosticators don’t know any more than a reasonably informed fan who has a good idea of what his favorite team might need that year, which is to say, he doesn’t know jack-shit. It’s a guess, marketed as inside information. I pass, every time.

Picture This

They do this a lot, too… adding a celebrity headshot to a story that has nothing to do with the pictured celeb. It doesn’t even have to be a celebrity pictured; often, it’s just some attractive model type who is unrelated to the content. More clickbait and switch.

Taylor-Made Stories

In this day and age, anything Taylor Swift does becomes news just because it’s her. And now, with her taking a break from the public eye, now that her record-breaking tour is over, they’re desperate for Taylor content. Hence the above story, which, for all the sizzle, comes down to, “Sports reporter’s husband says thanks to Taylor for hooking them up with VIP tent access to one of her shows.” That’s the story. There’s absolutely nothing of substance there. It’s like any time someone says anything about Ms. Swift, it becomes an article. Hypothetical example:

Headline: Taylor Swift in Health Crisis?

Substance: Taylor told a friend that she had a headache.

Film at eleven.

Here’s another similar one:

The gist of this story: “Taylor has a famous friend and they’re keeping in contact via text.”

Really? Tell me more! Are there emojis involved? What kind of font are they using?

This article demonstrates another device I hate. This is prevalent whenever the subject is a musician, but especially with Taylor Swift. They always use this construction: “The 'Bad Blood' singer says…” They did this three different times in this one article. By including mentions of specific songs, they hope to draw internet search hits (for the song mentioned), thus boosting the article’s profile. And the rub is that anyone landing on this article due to a song search will be disappointed because there is nothing in the article that has to do with their topic of interest. So, essentially, they use cheap tricks to game the system rather than produce quality content that gets circulated organically.

No News is Good News

Then we have the stories that are completely un-newsworthy, like this:

Translation: Somebody somewhere said something stupid. It’s not news, it’s something that happens thousands of times per day. Professor X says something radical. Local shop owner prefers cats to people. Local blogger hates broccoli. This is completely news-free filler that only becomes news because someone wants to use it to make a point. For example, right-leaning news sources will always jump on any story that makes students or educators look bad, to bolster their ongoing opposition to an educated population.

In the story above, the content creator is trying to wealth-shame some woman who obviously has it too good. It’s another attempt at creating clicks out of those seeking the comeuppance of others who are more well off than they are. And it’s not really news.

Clickbait Headline Constructions

I despise the use of the phrase, “Breaks his silence…” Joe Blow Breaks His Silence on Hot Topic. Was there really a “silence” before, or had they just not addressed an issue yet? I mean, there are millions of topics on which I can “break my silence,” because I didn’t care about them, or maybe no one ever asked. It’s not something I’ve been hiding; it just hasn’t come up yet.  It’s a device to make something look like a bigger deal than it is, so you’ll click the link and inevitably become disappointed that you’ve been served another nothing-burger.

It’s the same thing with “Reveals…” “New Orleans Native Joe Bleaux Reveals His Favorite Gumbo Spot.” Is it really a revelation, or did he just mention something? To me, nothing should be “revealed,” unless the subject is quoted as saying, “Tadaaa!”

They also like to use this for random female body parts. Like, “Shake it Off Singer Taylor Swift Reveals her Right Knee.” And you read the story and it’s like, “As she crossed her legs, Ms Swift’s dress shifted a skosh and her knee slipped into view.” It’s just one more way to make something seem more important than it really is.

Unless they can get an exclusive interview with the other knee, to see how it feels about being covered up.

Headline: Taylor Swift’s Knee Involved in Cover-Up and I’m in Shock!

And Finally

RIP to the late Pope Francis, who I will always consider the Least Destructive Pope of my lifetime. The man fought to bring a little empathy and scientific awareness to the Church and was fought every step of the way by the Vatican bureaucracy. After this experiment, I’m sure his successor will be far more conservative and promptly roll the Church right back to the 16^th century.

Biden’s "Inflation" Looks Like a Bargain Now

Welcome to Tariffland! Can’t you just feel the impending greatness of it all? So here we go down the rabbit hole… TFG (The Felonious Guy) released his tariff program that included most of the world, including islands with no human inhabitants and another with only a US military base. And nothing for Russia, of course.

It’s comforting to know that this program was so well thought out and agonizingly constructed.

Hah.
We went grocery shopping this past weekend, and the prices haven’t seemed to change drastically. However, they may only be applying the price increase to new shipments as they come in. I bet it’s hard to reprice a whole grocery store.

The car industry is different. Sweetpea and I were out buying a new car the previous weekend. It wasn’t because of the tariffs; it just happened to be the weekend we penciled car shopping into our calendar a month earlier to replace her old beater. Our timing was fortuitous. The car salesperson told us that when the tariffs are officially announced, every car on the lot will increase in price. Most will rise by 25%; the model we wanted would go up by 40%.

I was astounded and perturbed that they would apply the new tariffed price on cars already on the lot, which should have been unaffected by the new pricing. I think the new car business was trying to make a maximum impact to provide the biggest shock, with hopes to get the Idiot in Charge to back down in the face of protest. But that won’t happen. Not only doesn’t he care about what peons like us think, but he’ll never admit he’s wrong, especially about something to which he’s pinned his reputation.

I think that unless the tariffs disappear within the month, we’d better get used to the new pricing in our new reality because it’s not going back.

Look at what happened with the COVID/Supply Chain problems of 2020-2022. Consumer prices skyrocketed, but then, once the supply crunch was over, the prices stayed put. We were conditioned to pay the new rates, and the business owners certainly weren’t eager to mute their new profits. Republicans rode to power on the misconception that President Biden was to blame for high prices. So do you really think that down the road, once this situation returns to something normal, everyone is just going to slash prices? Nah. It will take years and probably some legislation for that, and we know that about half the pols won’t lift a finger because it would be bad for the rich donor class.

Another angle is the purported purpose of the tariffs: to bring back American manufacturing.

This is a pipe dream. Even if companies wanted to pull out of foreign nations and build new factories here, and that’s a HUGE “if,” it would take years to come to fruition.

And what if they did? There’s a reason they exist overseas, and that’s because the labor is cheap. If they build here, who’s going to do these jobs, and for how much? If they pay a livable wage, enough to entice average Americans to do these jobs, the resulting cost of the product would soar. And if they find a way to make it legal to pay skut-wages, they’re also driving out all the immigrants who might have taken the jobs.

Is the objective to make things so dire that people have no choice but to take two or three low-paying jobs just to get by?

No matter how this shakes out, we’re going to be paying this tab for a long time.

The most realistic projection I’ve heard is that TFG is “open for business” regarding negotiations over reducing the tariffs. That totally tracks because it becomes a “What’s in it for me?” situation. And no one embodies “What’s in it for me?” more than the Current Occupant.

Meanwhile, our former trade partners are making deals elsewhere, and we’re about to find out that America may not be as indispensable as we think. Maybe it will be the entire world’s ill will toward us that will keep us warm at night.

***

I loved seeing all the Hands Off protests from around the country. It’s a shame I didn’t see a word about it in the local newspaper Sunday or today. They’re still trying hard to keep the Orange Shyster propped up in the news. Look at this clipping from Sunday:

This is what they think is a front-page story: The President’s poll number had risen four points before his tariffs were announced. So… there!

They don’t mention any polling done afterward, nor do they mention that the polling is from the conservative-leaning Daily Mail. They also claim his status rose 6 points with Democrats, which I absolutely do not believe. It’s another puff piece, plain and simple. (And for shit like this, I pay $5.50 for the Sunday edition.)

But… back to the protests. I saw a lot of wonderful signs, but these two were my favorites and will no doubt reside on my sidebar for months to come:

Science!

Now, this lady’s living her best life right there. You go, Grandma! 

***

Lastly, RIP to Val Kilmer, who passed last week (right after I dropped my last post. I enjoyed reading all the blogged tributes. But out of all the big screen reminiscences, only Lawyers, Guns, and Money even mentioned my favorite of his movies, Top Secret.

Top Secret was a comedy made by the Airplane guys. I believe it came after Airplane but before Naked Gun and Hot Shots. It was a spoof of Elvis and WWII movies, featuring, as you’d expect, 90 minutes of sight gags, wordplay, satire, and 4^th wall breaking.

I remember seeing the trailer for it during the previews before another movie and almost choking from laughter. I couldn’t wait to see it, but alas, it was a very early preview. The movie didn’t come out for like another 6-8 months. But boy, it was worth it.

For some reason, it seems like very few people have seen it. I can’t count how many times I’ve had conversations with people about how much we loved Airplane, but then they’d never heard of Top Secret.

This was Val Kilmer’s first film, and he played an Elvis-like character caught up with the French Resistance in WWII Germany. Don’t feel like you have to know Elvis movies to appreciate this one. I’d never seen a single one and it was fine. Of course, years later, I dated a girl who loved Elvis movies so I saw one or two. She never understood why I was laughing my ass off though, when I finally saw the source material for various scenes.

Anyway, if you like the Airplane/Naked Gun-style comedies, or would like to see a young, vital, rock star-playing Val Kilmer, check out Top Secret. You can find it on YouTube.

A Killer Insurance Policy

It looks like we’ve finally gotten around to having Death Panels in the healthcare industry, but it hasn’t turned out quite like the insurance execs imagined.

Last week the head guy at United Healthcare was gunned down on an NYC street in a targeted hit. Some young guy wearing a hoodie and medical mask came up behind the guy as he left his hotel, and put three bullets into him. Somehow, the assassin slipped off and has been on the run ever since.

You know, some stories just put a smile on a guy’s face. I don’t see the killer’s personal reasons yet, but I’m sure we will in due time. But it’s a good bet that United Healthcare gave someone in his family a run-around, possibly with fatal ramifications.

I’m not exactly tap-dancing over this story, but I’m not terribly bothered either. Let’s just say I’ll treat this story with the same amount of care and compassion that UHC exhibits when declining to pay for life-saving treatments for their customers.

It’s about time some of these blood-sucking CEOs get some skin in the game. They’ve become a little too comfortable screwing over their customers in pursuit of even more obscene corporate profits.

These leeches are used to being the guys at the controls of the peasant catapult. Maybe a ride or two in the bucket will change their ways.

I’d like to think that maybe some of these execs might realize the kind of pain their company policies inflict on the public, but I think it’s more likely that they’ll just raise premiums and get more security for the corner office guys.

The older I get and the more I have to interact with the medical insurance profession, the more convinced I become that the only civilized solution is single-payer/Medicare for all. We’re the only first-world country that has a for-profit medical system, so it’s not like it can’t be done. It just can’t be done HERE because the parties who are making billions of dollars in profit will never allow such a change to happen. So they buy presidents and senators to ensure that no such proposal ever sees the light of day. Maybe executions ARE the only way…

Late Addition: Welp, about 2 minutes after I posted, I saw that they caught the guy. So much for being timely. Please note that everything written above was before I learned the news.

“Missed it by THAT Much…”

There was an article in today’s Sinclair (Baltimore) Sun about how the DOGE brothers, Musk and Ramaswamy, want to bring federal workers back to the office as a cost-saving and debt reduction measure.

Yes, that’s how wrong these guys are about how to reduce expenses. They think a WFH force costs more money.

Out of all this poorly-written “Sinclair National Desk” gobbledygook, there is one semi-coherent statement and the article framers take it in the wrong direction.

Senator Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) said “Something I’ve been pushing on is getting the federal workers back into the offices or eliminating the buildings they occupy.”  

The correct answer is staring them right in the face. Sell the damned buildings! A staff that’s working from home is far cheaper than providing real estate and utilities. (They’re also happier and can be more productive.) And then you have the bottom line gravy of the sales proceeds.

And I’d even wager they might know of someone with a real estate background who might overpay for the property so he can put up a tacky hotel on the site.

The thing that bothers me is that they’re pushing a total logical fallacy. These buildings are on the books, period. Whether they're full of people or not is immaterial… they’re still being paid for.

The problem is psychological! They don’t feel they’re getting their money’s worth so they want butts in the seats. Regardless of where the butts are, they’re still paying for the buildings. So if they’re serious about cutting spending, the clear choice is to sell the office buildings and develop better WFH strategies.

There’s one thing to remember about all this fake “waste-cutting” the Republicans are pushing. It’s not to cut the deficit, it’s to pretend these cuts will pay for the massive tax cut for the 1% that they’re about to unleash. Republicans don’t give a shit about the deficit unless there’s a Democratic administration. That’s when they cry for austerity. But as soon as they’re in charge? Bring on the tax cuts for the rich and maybe, if you’re very good, a few bits might trickle down to the rest of us. When it explodes the deficit? They’ll propose cuts to Social Security and Medicare and the rest of the programs that benefit the general public, but they never liked because they can’t easily skim. Then they’ll worry about the rest of it once the next Democrat takes charge.

PS

Last week I posted about the infamous Hunter Biden Pardon, and how he should widen it to include everyone with whom he’s related associated.

“President Biden ought to leave one more pardon for the end of his term, covering his wife, his other kids and grandchildren, his maids, landscapers, chefs, doctors, trainers, valets, mail carriers, Uber drivers, pet groomers, pizza guys, soda fountain guys, milkmen, and the lot. Call it the Pardon Me but Go Eff Yourself Act. Tell’em to stick that up their transition.”

Now this week, there’s a movement coming to preemptively pardon some of the other players in TFG’s revenge fantasy, like Adam Schiff, Liz Cheney, and Dr. Fauci.

I agree with this course of action as well. These people have committed no crime other than daring to disagree with the new emperor. If the Republicans can proclaim that they want revenge trials of their political opponents, the least we can do is defend our own. Not that it’s being seen that way by the Republicans. Hoo-boy no. It’s the end of the justice system, to them. (As if their guy hasn’t done enough damage.)

But that’s what these people do… they loudly go on offense and then cry when their enemies play defense.

PPS

The week before that, I posted about shrinkflation and how everyday we’re getting less for our money. Over the weekend I saw this graphic that seemed apropos:

This is the old “olive jar” story living on. And I also noticed another example… bacon!

One pound used to be the default size for a bacon package. They still have some one-pound packages, but over the years, you more frequently see 12-ounce packages, that look very similar to the pounders. I think they space out the bacon a little more. The only way to tell at a glance is to check the net weight. And how often do we really do that?

This is a Tough One

I lost an uncle today, my Uncle Ange. I knew he had been in rough shape but it didn’t really hit home until he couldn’t attend our family reunion last month. He rarely missed a chance to hang out with family. After my Grandpa passed, and then my dad, Uncle Ange became the reigning family patriarch. The last time I saw him, I thought he looked frail, and that’s the last word I ever thought I’d use to describe a man like him.

Uncle Ange was my dad’s brother-in-law. He was an immense, broad-shouldered, giant of a man who looked like an extra from The Sopranos. But he was really just a big teddy bear; always so happy and easy-going with everyone and full of love for his family. Unless you showed up at the house intending to date one of his daughters, in which case he was known to have you wash his car first. I don’t know that he was serious about that, but I’m told the prospective dates didn’t want to risk it.

He’d play ball with us, talk Pittsburgh sports, and always ensure we had enough to eat and drink.

Ange: Did you get enough spaghetti?  How about another sausage? Here, have a cookie. Hey, your wine glass is empty, pass it over and I’ll fill it up…

Bluz: I’m good, Uncle Ange, I gotta stay clear-headed for my spelling test tomorrow.

At our 2022 reunion, he appeared in my favorite family picture of all time. It looked like a high-level mob meeting.

From left to right:

Uncle Ange: What are we gonna do about that guy?

Cousin Denny: You mean that guy back there?

My Mom: Whack’em.

I remember the last time I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle when I was in town for a reunion. I used to stay with them before I met Sweetpea. Uncle Ange and I were the last two still up and found ourselves in a long, serious conversation that ranged from political to philosophical. He told me, to my amazement, that he no longer believed in God or had any use for religion, a point with which I heartily agreed. He said that no just God would ever allow the tragedy that had befallen his family, (decades ago, but still keenly felt today). I was surprised because this corner of my family carried the banner of Catholicism long after I’d abandoned it. It was something we didn’t really discuss. I don’t know if he ever told anyone else about it but I felt honored that he told me. Maybe he knew I’d be receptive.

I know I once caused a rift with my Aunt, who at a ceremonial family mass to celebrate my grandparents’ anniversary, wanted each of us cousins to bring up the “gifts” to the altar, and I refused. I was a young adult by then, lived on my own, and wanted nothing to do with participating in a rite that I found to be patently ridiculous. I was sorry for hurting feelings, but I was done with doing things for appearance's sake. I went to the mass; that was a big enough ask for me.

My family used to get asked to do that a lot, back when we went to church. There were five items to be ceremoniously brought up to the altar during mass, and there were five in our family. The church people put their hooks into us all the time. I’d always say I wasn’t going to do it. Then my dad would say, “Yes you are so,” and that would be that. It wasn’t a mountain I cared to die on. But I digress…

It’s ironic that we ever had such a conversation. After all, I chose him as a confirmation sponsor, back when I was in junior high. The confirmation is a Catholic rite that’s kind of like a baptism for kids who are old enough to participate in choosing to follow Catholicism. As if my little 7th-grade ass had any real choice. I was just going along with what was expected of me. I wouldn’t start developing my heathen views until at least high school. But it was fun that I got to choose my sponsor and that was Uncle Ange. This is us, on Confirmation Day:

I just wish someone would have confirmed to me that those were god-awful pants. Not to mention wearing a striped tie with plaid pants. I can't believe my parents let me out of the house looking like that. The 70s definitely had its fashion problems.

It’s strange now, getting to the age where the people you always looked up to are suddenly vulnerable. I suppose that’s the natural order of things. But when you still essentially think of yourself as 40 years younger than you really are, it can be jarring.

I used to jar Uncle Ange all the time, usually when he would mention how old all his nieces and nephews were getting. I was the oldest of my crop of cousins, the first-born of two first-borns. So I’d go, “You know how old I am? I’m 40 now… (or whatever.) He’d always wince in alarm at how the time flew. I’m sure he still remembered me as the little boy who was the ring bearer at his wedding.

I was five, but I took my job very seriously and hit all my marks. I was rewarded with cake, afterward, but I suspect that might have been for everyone.

I remember at one reunion in the 80s, I wore a (Pittsburgh's own) Donnie Iris concert tee shirt to the picnic. Uncle Ange said, “Donny Iris? I know Donnie Iris. We used to be roommates at Slippery Rock (University). He was kind of a strange cat.”

I said, “How come you never told me that before? I could have name-dropped you to try and get backstage to meet him.”

I’m not sure how well that might have worked though. Donny could have thought I was sent there to break his legs.

For the longest time, whenever I went back to Pittsburgh for an event… reunion, wedding, funeral, Steelers game, we’d always end up over at their place. My aunt would bring out enough food to feed an army and Uncle Ange would pour the wine. In his later years, he was making his own wine too. We’d be eating and laughing and drinking wine and just about when it felt like we should be done, he’d come out of the cellar with two more bottles. It could certainly make for a rough drive home the next day.

So, tonight, I think I may have a little wine with dinner, and pour one for Uncle Ange. He was a great man and one of my favorite people. I just hope he knew how warmly and deeply he was loved. I know that whenever we assemble back in The Burgh, I will always feel a giant hole where his immense warmth, kindness, and generosity used to be.

Salut!

Director’s DVD Commentary: I wrote about my three uncles back in 2013, as I contemplated my own role as an uncle at which I was just getting started, hoping I was doing them justice. I’ve been fortunate to have such outstanding role models to show me how it’s done.

The Setting Sun

I don’t know how big of a national splash this made last week but they announced that David Smith, the owner of the Sinclair broadcasting group, bought my local paper, the Baltimore Sun, as a personal investment.

Sinclair is an ownership group that buys up all the local stations it can muster and turns them into right-wing MAGAphones, including the mandate that they all run pre-recorded editorial content from the “home office.”

Maryland is a blue state and the Sun has traditionally reflected that, although not so much so that they didn’t endorse a Republican governor or two, over the years. But this has effectively come to an end.

The new owner says he wants The Sun to function like our local “Fox 45,” which is also owned by Sinclair. In other words, one more piece in the right-wing echo chamber. Sinclair owns Fox 45 in Baltimore, as well as the local CW channel.

Both networks specialize in attacking the local government and school systems. They love to ambush public officials on their way to their car at night, to lob loaded questions while the camera rolls. Every night, when I’m usually watching syndicated shows, I see the promos for their news broadcasts, and it’s always the same.

They proclaim how they’re “keeping local officials honest,” but that’s just a cover. It’s an unrelenting drumbeat of bad news, day in and day out.

It’s one thing to cover news that makes officials look bad. But it becomes disingenuous when positive stories are omitted or skewed to make them look bad. I’ve had this argument with people before when they say, “But what if this news is true? What if this really is a bad thing?”

I counter that there’s never a “good thing” aired, even when good things abound. Lies of omission are still lies. When a broadcaster’s only objective is to smear the ruling party, that’s not journalism, it’s just PR and propaganda.

A couple years back, I decided to take some notes on the subjects of the local Fox and CW nightly news promos, which I did for about a week or so before I lost interest. (I was hoping to make a post out of it, but you know… squirrel!) I still have the notes though, so, Score!

These were the stories they were hyping at the time:

·         CW: High price of gas.

·         Fox: Violence in Baltimore City, State’s Attorney ethics charges.

·         Fox: Save Our Schools: Lawsuits filed against the school district.

·         CW: Crisis at the Border, Baby Formula crisis haunts the Biden Administration.

·         Fox: Electric vehicle fires

·         CW: The danger of letting the WHO determine what is a pandemic.

·         CW: While government fights record inflation, migrants are flooding in.

As you can see, it’s just a compendium of Republican talking points, blaming Democrats for inflation, bad schools, the pandemic, corruption, and electric cars. It’s All Crisis, All the Time while propping up the fossil fuel industry, private schooling, and catering to the MAGAs at every turn.

This is what will become of our deep-rooted bastion of journalism, a paper version of Fox “News.” I’m sure we’ll never see another big half-page story on a decrease in border crossings, like the one I ran in my last post. Such good news will never be set in ink again if it benefits a Democrat.

What I’m going to do next, I don’t know yet. I’ve been a Baltimore Sun subscriber ever since I came to town in 1998. I’ve always been a newspaper guy, a habit I got from my dad, who always had the paper delivered, wherever we lived. Sometimes we even got two, like when we lived in Columbus Ohio, and got the morning Citizen Journal and the evening Columbus Dispatch.

In practical terms, I get most of my news online, via the blogs on my blogroll and my Yahoo home page. The Sun staff is a mere shell of what it used to be. Most of their content comes from news syndicates and affiliates. Aside from TV listings, my primary use for the Sun is the comics page and puzzles.

Doing crossword puzzles (and the Jumble and Sudoku) are baked into my weekday lunchtime routine. On the weekends, Sweetpea and I both work on the morning puzzles.

I know I can get crosswords online, but I don’t like doing them via computer, nor do I want to have to print the puzzles every damned day. But I feel sick at the prospect of giving those vultures any of my hard-earned dough.

For the time being, I intend to stay put and watch what happens. After all, this could be a good feeder system for Right Wing material to pick apart, or maybe even to rebut via letters to the editor. It’s not a bad idea to see what kind of BS the other side is pushing. It’ll let me know whether they have serious points, or if they’re pushing myths and illusions. Then when they eventually cross the line, I can, with haughty indignity, write in, refute their stories, and end it with “Cancel my subscription, you odorous band of kowtowing mullet-heads!”

Fun at the Grocery Store

Sometimes, when checking out a new grocery store, the aisles are arranged in such a way that I can create a little mirth, for those that know how to find it.

Bloody Vikings...

 

Finding New Speakers

We still don’t have a Speaker of the House, which is a mixed blessing. Given the majority makeup of The House, at least they can’t do any more damage or hold necessary legislation hostage.

Steve Scalise was the initial candidate put forth by the Republicans, but after two days of “negotiating,” he learned that he had no shot at 217 votes, so he dropped out. I heard some withheld support because he’s fighting a blood cancer diagnosis. It’s apparently treatable, but the GOP treats their own people just as disgustingly as they do their opponents.

That left Gym Jordan to pick up the mantel. Sigh… Gym freakin’ Jordan. As I mentioned last week, I just can’t stand the guy. He inherits the same problem Scalise had; a portion of his party that wants no part of him. And with the slimness of their majority in The House, a portion of any size is one they can’t omit.

So in keeping with his character, Jordan and his allies in Congress and on Fox “News” began a campaign of browbeating and threatening fellow Republicans who are withholding their votes from him. Jordan is one of those guys, as the saying goes, whose only weapon is a hammer, so he sees every obstacle as a nail.

Luckily, there seem to be people who don’t play that shit, so who knows what’s going to happen to his Speakership opportunity.

Maybe, and that’s with a big M, some moderate Republicans can work something out with the Democrats and install some kind of sanity to House leadership. It’s such a low bar when you’re really just looking for someone who isn’t batshit crazy. I’m not sure if there are many out there, who are impervious to the MAGA forces.

Republicans and Democrats are so far apart on basic issues right now, that I don’t see how they’re going to find common ground on anything. But I’m glad they’re trying because I am NOT looking forward to another year of clown shoes investigations and circus acts. Anybody would be better than Jordan.

***

I probably ought to say something about the Israel/Hamas situation. But I really don’t want to. Other people are far more astute regarding the history and the details than I am. I don’t claim to know any more than any other schlub sitting at the bar.

Things are bad and they’re about to get much worse. I hope Israel’s ground invasion can obliterate Hamas forces and free any hostages left alive, but I also hope they do so with minimal damage to civilian lives. I do realize that’s basically impossible… Hamas embeds themselves among civilians as a deterrent to such retaliation.

But when you take on one of the most militarily capable countries on the planet, blow a hole in their border wall, rape, kill, torture, and kidnap their civilians, there will be repercussions. They’re not just going to let that go. A world of hurt is about to rain on some truly evil people, as well as people whose primary concern is to put food on the table. They probably should have thought some more about it before voting to put monsters in charge of their region.

So… I hope it’s over soon. I’m not counting on it, but I hope nevertheless.

That’s all I’ve got, M'kay.

The End of America

Last week saw a story published that represents the most serious threat to the way our country governs, and even the Constitution itself, that I’ve seen in my lifetime. The New York Times ran a story, corroborated by the Trump campaign, about how in a second administration, TFG plans to remove the autonomy from the Justice Department and other administrative agencies, substituting loyalty to HIM over loyalty to the Constitution.

This would be bad enough in the hands of a sage and serious person with the purest of motives. But in the hands of a petty, petulant, tyrant? It’s the end of our country as an institution of freedom. Suddenly, we’re Saddam’s Iraq. Or North Korea.

With the power to prosecute and jail his enemies via the Justice Department, destroy their finances through the IRS, or regulate them to extinction through the applicable oversight agencies, this will become the United States of Trump. A whole country in service of a single egomaniac who has the self-control of a colicky toddler.

And I’m sure he’ll find a way to rope in a military/police faction, by adoption, or just starting his own, essentially turning him into a warlord.

Do you think there will ever be a fair election again? Hell, there may not even be ANY election again. They’ve finally figured out how to get around that petty matter of “public will” being articulated through elections. A plan like this only works if there are no further changes to who’s in power.

Is this the country our Founding Fathers imagined? Hell no, in fact, they took tangible steps to ensure that nothing like this would ever happen. This country was formed at the very core as a way to remove control of a country from a single man, “royal” or otherwise.

All the teary-eyed paeans to the US Constitution and veneration of the Bill of Rights coming from these “Constitutional Originalists” are pure lip service. If this comes to pass, you might as well break into the National Archives and tear those documents to pieces.

What I don’t know yet is the mechanism by which such a power shift would be executed. It can’t be that a president can just decide he gets all the power. I would think it would have to go through Congress. That could be the fail-safe that keeps this whole thing on the rails, assuming Democrats have control of at least one House. Although I certainly make room for the possibility that even a self-decreed self-anointment may likely be blessed by the stacked Supreme Court. That’s why at least three of them were appointed, to do their master’s bidding.

So far, I haven’t heard a single Republican criticize this effort, which now becomes a new plank in the GOP platform… perhaps the ONLY plank. They’re all in on it because they mean to grab some for themselves. Hell, Mitch McConnell and his mega-donors will probably have TFG rubbed out once all the steps have been taken and the pieces are in place. He’s not going to let all that power get wasted by some narcissistic ass clown.

With that kind of power in hand, you’ll see the real Republican agenda. IRS? Gone. Minimum wage? Gone. Social Security and Medicare? Gone. Food assistance? Gone. Reproductive freedom? Gone. (OK, they’re halfway home on that one already.) CDC and National Institute of Health? Gone. Any program that serves the average citizen will be replaced with more ways to siphon money upward.

This is such a bombshell, I can’t believe the Republicans ever let a word of it escape. They must be pretty confident in their voter suppression tactics for 2024. And the fact that this story hasn’t become political suicide just shows how fucked up this country really is.

This. Must. Be. Stopped.

Right in its tracks. The fact that it’s even been proposed shows how little the Republican hierarchy cares about the will of the people. It’s All Power, All the Time. And they’ll use every emotional ruse in the book to misdirect their misguided fans until they find out way too late, that they’ve made a tragic mistake.

Democrats need to make this campaign issue number one. Every candidate needs to ask his opponent if he supports such action and get them on the record. And if the answer is not “Hell NO!” then rip them to shreds for even considering such an assault on American Democracy.

There is no “both sides” bullshit on this one. Nothing analogous has ever come from the Democratic side, this is 100% Republicanism. This is a heinous power grab, being executed by a wannabe mushroom dictator. They tried to wrest power from the voters once already on January 6^th, and this is round two. If we allow it, we deserve the dystopian hellscape that’s guaranteed to follow.

Debt Ceiling, Coffee Wars, and Goodbye to a Queen

I had mixed feelings about the Debt Ceiling agreement that passed last week. I mean, there was a big part of me that wanted President Biden to keep giving the Republicans the finger and refusing to negotiate. Every time they’ve tried to hold the economy hostage over the debt ceiling, they ended up caving because they were unable to convincingly lay off the blame on the Democrats. So I wanted to see them get humbled, I really did.

But then, it’s easy for me to say because I’m not reliant on the major government services that were at risk of being shut down. I don’t take Social Security, nor do I have Medicare/Medicaid. I don’t get SNAP or Welfare. I haven’t been to a National Park in ages. (And I know there’s other stuff as well.) So I could just keep my head down and do my work-from-home job and wait for it to resolve without taking any hits to my comfort. But a lot of other people would get screwed, wouldn’t they? A lot of people would be SOL.

That’s why I’m glad we had the steady hand of Grandpa Joe at the wheel, who acted like the adult in the room and walked away with a deal that Democrats can live with. In fact, I don’t think he gave up much at all, considering Republicans came in wanting to (among other things) shit-can the infrastructure bill on which he’s staking his Presidency. As if that was ever going to happen. (It’s just like when Republicans wanted to hold the ACA hostage during the Obama years. Like he was EVER going to sign on to having that repealed.) The Republicans just needed enough movement that they could distort into an alternate reality where they fleeced a senile Commander in Chief.

I also agree with my friend the Green Eagle when he notes that the wealthy Donors That Be probably put a bug in the Speaker’s ear telling him to can all this nonsense so they don’t derail their gravy train. They no doubt notified the ignorant rabble-rousers in the House as well, to try to maintain the status quo. I mean, what’s the use in buying a Speaker of the House if he gets replaced within the year? They can’t have the inmates running the asylum, who think that printing more money is the solution to economic woes. Someone must ensure the money trough is still filling so it can be siphoned upward.

So, like always, the can was kicked down the road so it can blow up on another cast of characters and the charade can continue. If there’s a Republican in charge, they’ll raise the debt ceiling like it was a Congressional pay raise package. If it’s still the Democrats, be prepared for the next hostage drama.

This Is Not Your Father’s Folgers

I was in the grocery store over the weekend and came upon this rather disturbing display of a coffee brand I’d never seen before. Take a look at this stuff:

It looks to me like this “Black Rifle Coffee Company” is marketing directly to MAGAs and military wannabees, who are so insecure about their manhood that they need morning psych-ops with their cuppa Joe.

How do you even know what this shit tastes like? There’s nothing showing that tells you how one flavor compares to another. Or maybe it’s all the same shit only with different collectible bags, like Wheaties.

I have some theories about who these various versions are trying to reach:

Five Alarm: Fireman wannabees.

Freedom Fuel: Oil workers, drillers, and fossil fuel/monster truck fans. Those who fear E-cars and sustainable fuel production.

Just Black: All Lives Matters people. Slogan: “Black coffee matters!”

Gunship: Small dick fear.

Spirit of ’76: This should actually be tea.

Loyalty Roast: Trump fanatics. Probably shouldn’t picture a dog though. Just put the famously petless former guy’s picture on the box.

Tactisquatch: I don’t know… yetis?

I can see their new tagline now… “The Jews will not percolate us.”

Are You Ready for Tina?

It was with great sadness I heard the news of the passing of the great Tina Turner. That Friday, Sweetpea came home and asked me to put on some music before dinner. I said I had just the thing:

We had our weekly slow dance to “What’s Love Got to Do With It?”

My first memory of her was from when I was a little boy and Ike and Tina Turner were performing on some variety show. Tina was wearing one of those diamond-shaped dresses that was cut up to her hip bones, with the bottom point of the dress down between her knees, making it look like her legs were 8 feet long. I recall my Dad commenting, “Now THAT’s a woman.”

Like anyone with a soul, I became a huge fan and had mad respect for her after seeing her life-story movie where she was played by Angela Bassett. (I later read her book that it was based on, “I Tina.”) I cheered out loud when she finally left her bastard of a husband.

I ended up seeing Tina perform solo on four occasions. The first was in August of 1985, in Toledo, with Glenn Frey opening. I got a pair of tickets and took my mom. We were having a very nice pre-show dinner, because we had all the time in the world to get to the show… right up until I realized I left the tickets back at my apartment. But after some Fast and Furious driving maneuvers, we managed to get to the show on time. As always, it opened with a dark stage, with Tina’s sultry voice asking us, “Are you ready for Tina?”

I saw her twice within a month, in the summer of 1987, once in Baltimore with my parents and sister, and again two weeks later in Cleveland, both at outdoor pavilions with Wang Chung opening. The last time was at another outdoor pavilion in Saratoga Springs NY, in 1993 with my then-wife. Chris Isaac opened

Every time, she put on an unreal show, with her powerful singing and dancing her ass off with her backup dancers. In later years, I saw recorded concerts where she was still putting on the show well into the 2000s. The last one I saw, she was in her 70s. I was thinking, “Man, she’s really slowing down,” because, for about half the show, she sang from a stool. But I immediately had to qualify my thinking… “Yeah, slowing down for Tina Turner.” For any other 70+-year-old woman, she was a freak of nature, an Energizer Bunny with “legs long enough to wrap around the world.” *

*Quote from Bluz Mother.

I’m happy that she lived long enough to reap the world’s love and respect and retire in comfort. One of her songs from Private Dancer was called, “I Might Have Been Queen…”

As far as I’m concerned, there was no doubt about it. She was definitely queen.