Dipping My Toes Into Retirement

I’ve been retired for a week and a half now. What’s it been like? It’s played out in two different scenarios so far: before our kitchen and bathroom remodel started, and after. The work started last Wednesday, one week after the day I got let go.

For that first week, it was just strange, bumping around at home, alone, without any particular thing to anchor me. Because I’m such a creature of habit and routine, I realized that I’d have to create some new ones; I just don’t know yet what they should be.

For example, weekday routine used to be easy… wake up at 7:00, listen to the radio to get news and weather until 7:30, get up and shower, pour my iced tea, get my peanut butter crackers, and log onto my work website. Then work until 11:30 (unless some dipshit schedules another lunchtime meeting because they’re on Central time), eat lunch, read the newspaper, do my crossword puzzles, and go back to work for the rest of the day.

Upon retirement, I can get up when I like (but have still been close to my usual time, between 7 and 8). But then, do I shower right away? Should I have my tea and crackers first over the newspaper? If I do the crosswords then, what will I do at lunch? (I’ve been doing crossword puzzles at lunch every day since 2005.)

I’ve given myself at least one job to do each day, so I’d have at least some sense of purpose and usefulness. In fact, when Sweetpea left a note asking me to go get her some gas in the gas can, I was like, “A quest! The Fair Maiden needs my help!  I shall go forth and return with a tankard of liquid fire!”

So I’ve had some things to do, I just haven’t worked out the order in which I should do them. I guess the shower time can float; if my Job of the Day involves yard work, it’s better to shower later. But I think it’s best if I start the day clean, lest I start to forget about it and degenerate into an unshaven, slovenly mess.

It’s also been very nice to reacquaint myself with the 3:00 nap! That’s always when the head bobs and mental fuzziness would kick in when I was working, so I’d have to fight off the temptation to sneak one in. And with Sweetpea coming home each day between 4:00 and 4:30, I’m guaranteed not to oversleep.

Once the work started on the renovation, it’s been a different kind of strange. I have to ensure I’m up and ready by the time the workers arrive, usually between 8:00 and 8:30. Then the rest of my day is mostly answering their occasional questions and staying out of their way. It’s always stressful when they want a decision on something, and I can’t collaborate with Sweetpea. As a schoolteacher, she never even looks at her phone at work, other than occasionally at lunch, so I know she’s out of reach. So I’ve had to make some decisions on the fly and then hope I guessed right.

The biggest problem is that with the sink and counters gone, there’s nowhere to prepare food or clean up afterward, other than the bathroom sink, which is woefully inadequate. So we’ve been relying on takeout, grilling, and microwaveable dishes. Eventually, they put the counters in, but without the countertop, which is a separate operation. So the space is blocked in, but still of no practical use.

As long as my brother remains retired, I hope we can start meeting up regularly for lunch. It’s good to be able to pick his brain about financial matters. He’s the CPA and MBA. I’m the one with the Bachelor of Arts in Communications.

My old friend “Sitcom” Kelly asked if I was interested in seeing the Orioles/Pirates game here in town next week, and I’m like, “Hell yeah! Got nothing but time on my hands!” Of course, it’s an evening game so I could have gone anyway. And I may still go to the Thursday game, which is at 1:30. I always like to go to one day game a year, or as I call them, “Ferris Bueller” games. Last time I went to one, I even caught a foul ball. Danke Shoen!

So I have to wait until all the work on the house is done and things settle down before I can feel like a retiree. Oh, and speaking of, if you’re 50+, have you joined AARP? They’ve been chasing me for almost 14 years now, and I’ve never joined. I’m just not sure I see the benefit. Yes, they offer discounts, but many places also offer senior discounts. And they lobby for seniors, but I’ll reap the benefit of that whether I join or not. So for $50 a year, I’ve been putting it off. How about you?

I also won’t be able to rest easy until my severance is in the bank and I have new medical coverage. Sweetpea should be able to put me on her plan, which is through Kaiser Permanente. It’s a good plan, but it means that I’ll have to give up all my current doctors, because they’re a self-contained unit with their own staff and facilities. That means a new PCP, cardiologist, and eye doctor for me. And lots of introductory appointments where they want tests I’ve already done and draw conclusions I already know. And don’t even get me started on Medicare, which I’ll have to engage next year around this time. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

But that’s life, I suppose. No one promised us an easy path. Life is more like a zig-a-zag.*

 

 

*That’s a reference to an old story my mom tells about my dad’s Italian grandfather, who was a tiny little man and already ancient back when I was a child. He was telling Mom about how he can’t go out anymore because all the ladies are after him.

Mom: How do you get away from them, Grandpa?

Grandpa: I run away.

Mom: But you can’t run very fast.

Grandpa: I zig-a-zag.

The BUTTS Will Crack the Country

Looks like the “One Big Beautiful Bill” is halfway home, now that the House has passed its version. What it should be called is the Big Ugly Trump Tax Shift, or BUTTS Act. The tax cuts for the rich get the most publicity, but the Republicans stuffed a lot more in there to cement in their dream of a top-down economic system, meaning the top gets whatever they want and throw the scraps down to the rest of us.

We should be greatly alarmed at this turn of events. But not so alarmed as to make shit up. I almost lost my mind when I saw this meme floating around this weekend:

The thing that set me off was that first bullet, that the president can delay or cancel any election. That’s the big red button… the tool that sets them up for life, AND, the one I’ve been predicting they’ll use. And they may, but it’s not in the bill. I did a little digging and didn’t find any reference to canceling elections. (And I surfed through the bill itself, looking for the word “election.”) It’s not there, so that’s one bullet dodged, for now.

Also, there isn’t anything in there about identifying protesters, although there is a lot of material about the use of AI. The part I found galling is that there is language to prevent states from regulating the use of AI in advertisements. The Republicans are 100% against that because, obviously, AI makes their go-to tactic of disinformation that much more convincing. They’re literally enshrining their right to lie to us more effectively, for personal gain.

But there is plenty to scare you in this bill. This graphic does a good job of illuminating the heinous infiltration and dissolution of our current government:

Everything in here is designed to benefit those who have the most, and keep it that way. So far, all the GOP resistance has come from those who don’t think the denuding of the government has gone far enough. That’s why we have to bring pressure to bear on those few Republicans left who pretend to be moderate. We need the Lisa Murkowskis, Susan Collinses, and the like to step up and declare that they’re either representing their constituents or shilling for the rich.

Further, we need to make sure there are no Democratic turncoats… no Sinemas or Manchins to sabotage their own people. I’m not foolish enough to think that the Fat Cats haven’t bought themselves some Democrats, just in case.

But again, the thing that worries me is that the Republicans are acting like they don’t need to worry about any more elections. They’re rolling out this giant turd in public and telling easily disprovable lies about what it all means.

We do have some facts that favor the continuation of free elections. After all, the president only has limited power over the election process:

- Election Timing: The Constitution grants Congress the authority to set the timing of federal elections, meaning the President cannot unilaterally postpone or cancel an election.

- Election Oversight: Elections are primarily managed at the state level, with each state responsible for organizing and conducting its own elections.

- Emergency Powers: While the President has emergency powers, they do not extend to altering election dates without congressional approval.

- Influence on Election Laws: The President can advocate for changes to election laws, but actual changes require congressional action.

- Appointment Powers: The President appoints members of the Federal Election Commission (FEC), which oversees campaign finance laws.

That would all be fine, but it assumes that things are going to continue in a lawful manner. The way this administration has established itself, it has its own police force, direct control of the Justice Department, doesn’t follow judicial rules it doesn’t like, has the media playing cheerleader and whitewashing the ugly parts, so it is therefore answerable to no one. There’s nothing to stop them from rigging, nullifying, or indefinitely postponing meaningful elections.

Great Moments in Advertising

Now, so I don’t leave you ready to fling yourself out of a high-rise window (aka taking Putin’s Staircase), have a look at this shot I took from the TV yesterday from the Orioles/Cardinals game.

I want to know who green-lit the name of that tire company for use in America. Shouldn’t there have been someone in the room, some dude who knows American idiom, to go, ”Hey guys? I don’t think you realize how this is going to play to a bunch of drunks sitting on their couches.”

Sure, maybe the founder is a Kumho. And he probably comes from a long line of Kumhoes. And maybe this would work if they were selling rubbers and not tires.

If they insist on keeping the name, they should at least lean into it. Make some commercials that say,

“You’ll feel safe and secure on some Kumhoes.”

“Nothing gives you a smooth ride like Kumhoes.”

“Kumhoes will keep you in the driver’s seat all night long!”

I mean, how long until they roll out the advertising for their sister company, Stankyho?

Director's DVD Commentary: I probably shouldn't have cropped that picture so closely on the right because it looks like I clipped off some of the name. Rest assured that I did not. That is one righteous Kumho and not the creation of some fanciful editing.

Drugs, Pugs, Jugs, and Thugs

I’ve been out of the loop a bit for the past couple of weeks, (busy kicking COVID’s ass), so I’ve got some catching up to do on the matters of rivers and streams… in other words, current events.

That was some good news about Biden’s drug negotiations with Medicare kicking in, wasn’t it? Well, unless you’re among 99.9% of the country that’s not an executive with a Big Pharma company. They don’t like this at all because, well, they can’t tell you. But they mean “profits.”

From my friends at Crooks & Liars:

They should look up the meaning of “short term,” huh? Also, I’d like for someone to tell me how “what is best for patients” to pay several hundreds of dollars a month for maintenance drugs when the rest of the world pays a pittance? I’m sure a flak at PhRMA would tell you it’s so they continue to innovate and come up with new drugs, but I call bullshit. Do you really think they’re going to stop inventing drugs (and the syndromes their drugs are supposed to treat), fold up shop, and go home? Of course they’re going to continue to come up with more ways to leach us dry, just like they do every other time a new drug becomes eligible to go generic. As long as we have a for-profit medical system, drug companies will continue to invent ailments and the treatments to fix them.

I was happy to see Xarelto on the list, because that’s a blood thinner I should be taking (per one of my heart doctors), but costs over $300 for a month’s supply. I can almost see it, as a one-shot deal, but blood thinners are often maintenance drugs one has to take over a lifetime, especially after dealing with strokes or heart issues like atrial fibrillation. So any help in that arena should be applauded.

The fact that during the GWB administration, the Republicans actually supported and passed a rule forbidding Medicare to even negotiate on drug prices goes to show you how deeply they are in the pockets of Big Pharma. And they continue to fight about it today!

This is yet another block in the wall of evidence showing why the Republican Party is not on your side.

***

Moving on…

I’d call Mitch unfit for office too, but there are dozens of reasons more pressing than his freezing up again. The less he says, the better off the country, as far as I’m concerned. But of course, MT Greene had to insert herself into the mix because she couldn’t bear the spotlight not being on her for 15 seconds. Maybe Mitch ought to remind her of the famous quote, “It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” That’s one she could take to heart, if she had one.

And speaking of this half of the performance art group “Heckle and Dyed,” didn’t Lauren Boebert get herself into some shit this weekend? It cracked me up because it went through the usual alibi cycle: “No, I did NOT do that. People say they saw me do it? Nah, they’re just liberal snowflakes. I absolutely didn’t do it. You have video of me doing it? All right, I did it, but it’s OK because I’m allowed. Don’t you know who I am?”

I saw the video and it quite clearly shows her A) vaping, and B) getting herself felt up like she was re-enacting in “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.” The video had everything but an old car horn sound effect going “AHH-OOOOH-GA!” I didn’t see her grabbing any peen, but that area was a little darker than the rest and I couldn’t really tell. The dude had a smile on his face though, so probably.

The thing is, I don’t really care about any of that. It just shows she’s crass, entitled, and a liar, but that’s not something that wasn’t apparent before. Yes, she’s a terrible Representative, but that’s based on her stated beliefs, and, well, I was going to say “actions,” but she hasn’t really taken any that’s had an effect.

The ire-raising part of all this to me is that she’s one of the cultural warriors of the Right, putting forth all these rules that her opponents need to follow or be castigated, and she and her cabal of “friends,” do not.

The best response I’ve seen so far is this:

As I recall, AOC was smeared after a video surfaced of her dancing on a rooftop, before she was elected. Just… dancing, like that’s some kind of problem. Has the GOP turned into the townspeople from Footloose? I guess we have to send Kevin Bacon in there to lay some applicable Bible verses on them. I don’t think there’s anything in there about going to second base in a crowded theater though…

***

Here’s another reminder that we cannot let TFG, nor any of his MAGAts, be elected President, or we’re looking at the end of the Republic. This is the kind of “king” shit that our forefathers expressly wrote out of our Constitution.

TFG wants you to believe he was just going along, minding his own business, all legal-like, when the big bad Democrats decided to go after him. So he has every right to jail his opposition and replace anyone in the entire government who doesn’t pledge allegiance to him.

The fact that there are mountains of evidence that guided every decision to prosecute is beside the point. And that point is that he thinks he has every right to do whatever he wants because he’s White and he (allegedly) has money.

Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t. Or at least he shouldn’t. We still don’t know the level at which he’s stacked the deck.

***

Congratulations to the Baltimore Orioles, for clinching a playoff berth! I was there in 2014 when they clinched a spot, and it was really exciting. At least at first… I ended up having to leave the park in distress… abdominal distress, so much so that I almost left a trail around the stadium concourse. And then, a month later, at an AL Championship game, it happened again. This time, it took on a Sci-Fi feel.

I only mention the Orioles here because recently, when I was watching a game, I came across a guy with a really unfortunate name.

Yes, the White Sox have a pitcher whose name is Bummer. And it sounds just like you’d think. In a post from last summer, I mentioned that the Orioles have a guy named “Santander,” but rather than pronouncing it “San-TAN-der,” it’s pronounced “Sahn-tahn-DARE.” If this Bummer guy wasn’t able to change his name, (he may have come from a long line of Bummers,) he could at least play with the pronunciation. Like, “No really, my name is pronounced, “Boo-MAIR.”

And it wouldn’t even take any paperwork unless he went whole hog and put an umlaut over the U.

And one last note on fandom…

I hate it when my team plays on Monday night. I guess I made myself forget about it this weekend because I was sitting there on Sunday, all dressed for the game in my best mojo-producing gear… game jersey, team shorts, team socks, and a T-shirt that said “Cleveland Never Rocked.” And then came the realization that they weren’t playing until the next night, so I had to get up and change again. No sense wasting good mojo when your team isn’t even playing.

And last week, my guys got their butts kicked soundly, but I was able to find a bright side. Earlier that morning, I forgot to snap down the clipper guard over the blades of my beard trimmer and accidentally took a notch out of my beard, just below the ear.

The good news is that if my team had won that day, I’d then be obligated to keep taking notches out every week until they lost (and I couldn’t blame it on the jersey I was wearing.) I take my team mojo obligations seriously.

They Need a Fall Guy

 The MAGA anti-vax nutjobs have been a little more vocal lately, because of that FBI report that they say proves them right about COVID being released from a Chinese lab. The MAGA crowd, who so often claim the FBI is a pack of left-wing freedom stealers, suddenly believe them now about this. (But not about anything else that they don’t want to hear.)

As with most things coming from the right, there’s a grain of truth wrapped in a whole truckload of wishful thinking and bullshit. The report assigns very little confidence in that finding, basically admitting that it’s possible, but the origins are still in question. So once again, we have this huge roar about something that makes very little difference. Or rather, as far as I’m concerned, matters not at all.

Why? Because the origin of the virus, whether it occurred in the wild or was released accidentally or on purpose from a lab, doesn’t change what we had to do to fight it. Whatever the source, the US government had to make a risk assessment, plan a strategy to battle and contain the virus and execute it. The degree to which they did or didn’t has been debated ever since, but none of that hinges on the origin of the virus. It came, we fumbled about for a while, and more than a million Americans died from it, with millions more sickened; sometimes seriously, other times not as much.

I think Republicans desperately want it to be a lab release for one simple reason: blame. They need to be able to blame The Enemy for something that had such a negative effect on the country (and the world). Being able to blame an entity that has been TFG’s favorite punching bag is the cherry on top.

When your chief characteristic is rage, it’s a hard thing to maintain over a naturally occurring process that just sprung up from flora and fauna. What are they going to do, dox Mother Nature? Threaten her job? Cut down her trees? So they need a bad guy, which is why they need COVID to have been man-made, just to have somewhere to aim their rage.

Let the academics work out how COVID got loose so that maybe more effective preventative measures might be used the next time around. But other than that, it just doesn’t matter and there’s no sense even arguing about it.

Debunkery

I saw this back in January and I kept it so I could highlight how bad arguments aren’t only a fault of the Right. Consider this graphic:

Now, I’m upset as anyone about the number of people killed by police entities in this country, but this graphic is not the weapon it should be.

Notice how it labels the data as “fatal shootings by officers and other deaths at the hands of police.”

Were there no deaths at the hands of police that were justified? Any number of these could be police responding to hostage situations, a perp who’s pointing a gun, or shooting at them.

A more effective graph would clearly count the number of killings by police of unarmed people. That’s the real issue that causes strife and unrest (and rightly so). A logical assumption would be that if the numbers were properly narrowed that way, they would have been described as such, but since they weren’t we should assume it counts all killings.

Maybe there’s a better case to be made out there, but this isn’t it.

***

I found another bad argument seeping into the sports world again, this time regarding some new baseball rules. This year, MLB has installed a more aggressive pitch clock and batter’s clock, which limits how much time batters can spend dicking around at the plate with their batting gloves, how much time pitchers can spend glaring at the catcher, and how many times he can lob the ball over to first base with a runner on.

As with any adaptation to sports rules, there are many “traditionalists” who bristle at attempts to make the game more engaging. I’ve seen several memes illustrating this point:

The logical counterpoint here is that yes, there’s a delay on that one pitch, but that’s just time invested in preventing MORE wastes of time. You lay down the law once, then the rest of the game speeds up. This is not a complicated concept but it seems to be one these meme creators aggressively ignore. It’s another one of those things that you can yell at the TV down at the bar and the rest of the drunks can nod along in agreement.

Personally, I’m all for anything that will speed the game up a bit. I’ve seen some say that when they’re at the game, they don’t care how long it takes. But I’m sure there are even more there who have actual lives. I’ve seen a ton of baseball games and most of them are night games, just because there are so few day games even scheduled. Most games start at about 7:10. A three-hour game will wrap up around 10:00 PM, with gives people time to get out of the park and back home before 11:00, to get some sleep before getting up in the morning to go to work.

They’re never going to be able to eliminate the occasional long game due to an explosion of hitting and scoring. But that’s the fun stuff to watch, isn’t it? What you DON’T want to see is an extra hour of guys stepping out of the batter’s box, loosening and refastening their gloves, then stepping back in. And then watching the pitcher step off the mound, fiddle with his hat, rub on the ball some more, then climbs back to look in for more signals. Everyone needs to stop jerking around, get in there and play. If the umps call a penalty ball or strike, so be it. Let that light the fire under everyone’s ass to keep things moving. Some of us have to get up in the morning.

RIP

It was with a heavy heart that I saw the news this morning of the passing of one of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s founding members, Gary Rossington. Skynyrd’s music was part of every party we ever threw in high school and college. Even my dad used to love dancing to Gimme Three Steps.

I was lucky to be able to meet them many years ago and in another life, back when I was a record store manager. (Remember those?) My buddy and I went to see their big 1987 reunion tour in Cleveland, their first tour since the plane crash. After the show, the MCA rep (who got me the tickets) asked us if we’d like to go hang with the band at a small party in their hotel suite. Believe me, we didn’t take long to answer. You can read the whole story, here. I didn’t get to talk to Gary, probably because I was too busy chatting up his wife, but she and the rest of the band were great to us.

 

Views on a Ballgame

Special Off-Schedule Mid-Week Bonus Post!

You don’t have to bail if sports isn’t your thing. This isn’t about sports so much as it is about the experience of going out to a big public event. Whenever I’m at a concert or a game or anything else, I automatically start looking for things I can tell you about regarding my experience.

Two days after I went to see ZZ Top (and was annoyed by people who dared stand around directly between me and the stage), I took in a ballgame as well. Every year, I like to take what I call a “Ferris Bueller” day. That’s where I take a day off work and go see a daytime baseball game. As a citizen of Baltimore, I’m lucky to have major league baseball right here in town, and given the Orioles' recent past, getting tickets is a snap. The O’s only play one or two (non-holiday) weekday games a year so there aren’t a lot of choices. This one against the Tampa Bay Rays would be the last one of the year.

Another reason I chose this game is that it looked like it would be the last game as an Oriole at Camden Yards for Trey Mancini, an Orioles draft pick, the longest-tenured player on the roster, cancer survivor, and my wife Sweetpea’s favorite player. She calls him her “Sweet Sixteen” (because he wears number 16). All signs pointed to his being traded before the fast approaching trade deadline date and this was the last home game for the next week. I wanted to be there to see him off.

When you see a day game, seating is important. Because I’d rather not sit out under the burning sun for three hours and stew in my own juices, I always get tickets under the deck on the third base side, so I’m in the shade the whole time. On this day, I found a ticket in the first row. I was like, “Great. I am now impervious to people blocking my view.”

I totally should have known better.

Naturally. The camera guy is right there between me and the batter.

Since I had to look around anyway, I couldn’t notice this block of fans down the first baseline:

Who knew the students from the Beauxbatons School of Magic* were in town? I thought to myself, if anything weird happens, I’ll know who’s responsible.

One of the cool things about sitting in the first row of this section is that I can see people’s food when they bring it back to their seats. That’s helpful for when I get hungry, then I can decide what looks best to me.

It’s like the wait staff is showing me my options.

It was also from this vantage point that I could see how many people needed help finding their seats. I was stunned. I mean, there are numbered sections, rows, and seats. There are site maps all over the park. How hard can it possibly be to find the seat that matches your ticket?

Let me tell you a quick side story…

Many, many moons ago, my dad took the family to California for almost a month’s vacation in the Bay Area. Well, it was a vacation for us; he had to work out there and took the family along. As it happened, he came into a pair of tickets to see an NFL preseason game between the Oakland Raiders and Dallas Cowboys. That meant that for the three serious football fans, my Dad, my brother, and I, there were only two tickets. Being a good dad, he gave the tickets to us. I was 14, my brother was 11.

At that point, I’d been to maybe 4-5 sporting events before, a couple of baseball games, a couple of Ohio State football games, always with the family. But I knew what to do.

Dad drove us to the stadium and dropped us off, telling us where to meet him when the game was over. We went in, and I was able to look at the ticket, navigate my way around the concourse, go in the corridor that led to our section and find our seats. Then we watched the game, took a few pictures with my snappy little 110-Instamatic camera, and we had a blast.

When we were done, we went to our meeting spot and Dad picked us up. No muss, no fuss, no sweat.

Can you imagine anyone doing that today, dropping off 11 and 14-year-old boys at any football stadium, let alone Oakland’s? (To be fair, they didn’t have the scary guys with spiked shoulder pads and black face paint showing up yet.) It was certainly a different time then, that’s for sure.

Anyway, my larger point is that I could find my seat in a stadium I’d never been to at 14 and didn’t think it was in any way remarkable. I don’t know why grown-ass people have such trouble finding their seats in a modern ballpark. It shouldn’t be any harder than finding your room in a hotel. And they don’t even have ushers!

OK, end of side story and back to the observations at hand.

The Orioles have a player whose last name is Santander, which looks simple enough. The snag is that it’s pronounced “Sahn-Tahn-DARE.” It’s too bad because this name is tailor-made for the Baltimore accent. “C’Moon, Sain-TAIN-der! Lets Gewoo Ayooze!” (In actual English, “Let’s Go O’s.”)

Hackwhacker, back me up here!

The Rays have a player named Roman Quinn, which is completely unremarkable other than that during one of the middle innings, he hit a pop foul off the upper deck facing to my right. The ball bounced down, kicked off a seat back, and floated right down the walkway in front of me about eye-high. I reached out and snatched it as easily as plucking a can of peas off a store shelf. Harking back to my Little League baseball and Beer League softball training, I used two hands because these things spin like crazy. But the only thing really running through my mind was “Don’t screw it up don’t screw it up don’t screw it up.”

This was the second foul ball I’ve caught at an O’s game. The other was a big bounce off the warning track when I was sitting down along the first base side. I have a long history of pursuing stray baseballs, foul or otherwise, and wrote about them in 2009.

The best part is that there was zero competition for the ball. I was on the aisle and sitting beside a couple of old ladies. There were no kids anywhere around, so I didn’t have to feel guilty about keeping it. So into my pocket, it went.

Of course later, due to the general cramped quarters found in grandstands, I could feel the ball bumping against the leg of the lady to my right. I kept expecting her to ask me, "Is that a baseball in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

The Orioles have a female ballpark announcer now. This is her first year. Now, I’m in favor of a woman doing any job a man does and this is included. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sound a little weird to me. I’ve seen 209 major league baseball games in my life and 207 of them have been announced by men, so I’m more than a little conditioned to it. And a lot of it is the jacked-up enthusiasm that just sounds fake to me. Like drawing out the names of the home team players? Everyone does it, I know, but now it sounds like a mom trying to hype up the potato sack race at her kid’s birthday party. It’s a “me” problem, I agree. I’ll get used to it with more exposure.

So, round about the last inning, it was time for Trey Mancini’s last home at-bat as an Oriole. There was a nice ovation for him and he seemed to enjoy the moment. Then, with a guy on second, he hit a fly ball to right field. I figured the runner would tag up and he’d end his day with a nice sacrifice fly. However, the right fielder lost the ball in the sun, which then caromed off his face and rolled into the right field corner. Trey hauled ass around the bases and ended up with an Inside the Park Home Run. It must have been the Beauxbatons because this was truly magical! Well, except for that outfielder’s face. I bet that stung for a while.

I’ve seen a lot of shit at ballgames… I’ve seen grand slams, tape-measure dingers, I’ve seen a guy steal home, but this was a real first. The place just went nuts (well, as nuts as a mere 16,000 fans can go), and called Trey back out for a bow. What a last moment for the guy.

So, the moral of the story? Maybe I should get out of the house more often.

*I hate to even explain but just in case, The Beauxbatons School of Magic is from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the French magic school that visited Hogwarts, wearing that shade of blue.

Welcome to Maryland, Hon

 The news has been awash in the horrors that Red State governments have unleashed upon the lands, so I understand why progressives have been nervous. The mid-term elections could very easily restore power to congressional Republicans, and who knows how much damage they’re prepared to do? (I think their primary accomplishments will be investigations into problems they, themselves, have made up.)

So with states like Texas, Florida, and Georgia locking down abortion prohibitions, (I’m pretty sure they’ll be regulating sex positions* before too long, in the name of “freedom,” of course,) granting themselves the right to overturn election results they don’t like, and removing any school books that might contain actual education, I can see where the woefully outnumbered Red State Democrat might wonder to where they might escape this gleeful repression.

*I can hear the slogans now…”Doggie Style leads to bestiality!” “Man should ALWAYS be on top!” “Fellatio is a Waste-io!”

I say, “Come on up to Maryland, baby!”

Don’t laugh… when you look around at the competition, Maryland has a lot going for it. It’s a reliably blue state. Even with a two-term Republican governor, Maryland is still making progressive waves.

Last week, the state passed a whole slew of laws that actually benefit average citizens. The following are among the new bills:

Legalizing recreational marijuana: In November legalized pot will be a referendum on the ballot and is expected to pass by a landslide. It would legalize possession of up to 1.5 ounces and remove criminal penalties for possessing up to 2.5 ounces. It would also expunge past marijuana convictions for possession.

Abortion: new law would allow medical professionals beyond only physicians to perform abortions and spend 3.5 million for medical training on the procedure. (There was talk this year about codifying the right to abortion into the state constitution but there were too many that didn’t think it was necessary.)

Climate Change: created a goal to reduce statewide greenhouse gas emissions to 60% below 2006 levels by 2031. Governor Hogan was expected to veto this bill but allowed it to become law without his signature. But he had already hampered the goal by nixing an east-west light-rail route that Baltimore badly needs if they are to get serious about public transportation.

Paid Leave: Created a statewide family leave insurance program that will cover up to 12 weeks of parental family leave.

Tax Relief: Oh, I like this one, because I’ll be there shortly. The new bill gives citizens 65 and older a $1000 state income tax credit and exempts many child care and medical expenses from sales tax. Who says you can’t cut taxes in a Blue State? (State sales tax is 6%. I don’t know what your state’s is, but when I moved here from New York in 1997, theirs was 8%, so this seemed like a deal.)

Ghost Guns: banned, along with any gun that doesn’t have a serial number.

Jury Duty Compensation: Raised from $15/day to $30. It’s still grossly insufficient to compensate those who lose a day of work, but it’s less of an insult now.

Marriage Age: Raised from 15 to 17, and 17-year-olds can get married without parental consent if they complete a series of steps to show they are doing so thoughtfully and safely. Save the child marriages for Tennessee.

For pet lovers, they also outlawed the declawing of cats, which is barbaric mutilation. If you want a cat, just accept that your furniture might get shredded, and don’t maim your pet.

Most of these bills were vetoed but over-ridden by the legislature. With Governor Hogan holding presidential aspirations, he can’t have approving some of these things on his record or he has no chance in the primaries. The fact that he’s not a Trumper already gives him a stiff headwind.

He did approve making Juneteenth a state holiday and of course, approved a pile of money for the Orioles and Ravens stadiums.

The state is gerrymandered safely blue, although just a little less going forward. Democrats lost a bid to further restrict the only conservative district so now there will be two. It’s ironic that Republicans had the nerve to go to court to fight Maryland’s Democratic gerrymandering while defending against all attempts to overturn their own gerrymandering efforts in states like Florida. I’ve always said that I’d be glad to give up Maryland’s biased maps, but not until the Red States did the same. There is no reward for being noble… Republicans will just pick up the seats and laugh all the way to the House.

But it’s not just politics that should be a draw. Look at the state COVID stats. 95% of state residents have had at least one vaccination. Almost 4.6 million have been fully vaccinated. Testing positivity was at 2.53% last week. It had been as low as 1.5 but has been creeping up with the new variant. Even so, less than 150 people are hospitalized with COVID. And Baltimore is home to one of the best hospitals in the world, the renowned Johns Hopkins. There are other top-shelf hospitals here as well.

Maryland has something for everyone, too. Baltimore and the metro area serve as a cultural center with museums, concerts, and theater, and outside that is a rural landscape. The state is basically Alabama with Baltimore in the middle. But the middle makes the rules.

The street fairs are awesome… there is the Italian Festival, the German Festival, and also Greek, Russian, and Polish festivals. ArtScape is a huge summer party. And you have to attend “Hon-Fest” at least once in your life. That’s where Baltimore gets its freak on.

The weather is fairly stable. It gets hot, occasionally into the 100s, but not for too long, and can get very cold, but again, only for a short time. We don’t get many tornados but might see a hurricane come up the coast every 8-10 years. Any earthquakes barely register on the Richter scale.

If you’re a sports fan, this is a major-league town, with both professional baseball and football. Granted, the Orioles haven’t sported a winning team since 2014, but the stadium is beautiful and very affordable, compared to other markets. (As a Steelers fan, the less I say about the Ravens, the better.) College sports thrive here as well, especially basketball and lacrosse.

Maryland has a great shoreline and nice beaches. The bay is beautiful for boating, fishing, and other water activities. Crab cakes! Crab cakes! And hey, we just unstuck that freighter that was mired in the bay for the last month, so we got THAT going for us!

Of course, it’s not all the land of milk and honey. There are still some serious problems with violence and crime, drugs and traffic. The drivers are terrible. The city school system is a mess. Real estate prices are insane. (Not “west coast insane,” but still vastly overpriced for what you get.) But no place is perfect. But if you stay out of the really rough parts, you can escape relatively unscathed.

So don’t despair if you’re trapped in a state whose goal is to make it 1940 again. Unassuming little states like Maryland are trundling along under the radar, providing a secure place for the 21^st century to evolve. It could be a welcome destination where a progressive-minded person can feel at home.

No Escape

 I’m growing much more pessimistic regarding the invasion of Ukraine ending anytime soon, or without becoming a nightmare of epic proportions. I just don’t see a clear way out, mostly because of Vlad.

He seems to be impervious to outside influence. The stranglehold that’s being put around his country, one that would cripple most leaders, won’t have the effect we’re hoping for, because very simply, he just doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything aside from his personal agenda. No wonder the Republican power players admire him.

He doesn’t care about his people. He’ll tell them what to think and what to do and any dissenters will find themselves in a deep hole in Siberia before they know what happened. He’s already instituted a new law punishing anyone publishing “lies” (meaning the truth) about the military exercise/invasion in Ukraine, so they're not going to know what's really going on, kind of like Fox "News" viewers. Even when he ran for office, I bet his campaign motto was “You’ll get nothing and like it.” The Putin/Smales ticket.

He doesn’t care about civilians in Ukraine; hell, he’s targeting them on a scale like no other military leader in memory. He can’t be shamed with casualty figures because he gives less than a shit about killing women and children.

He doesn’t care what other countries think. All he wants is to be feared. That’s why I don’t see him backing down, ever. This isn’t the kind of guy who’s going to go, “OK, this isn’t working, the cost is too high in lives and rubles. Let’s turn this thing around and go home.”

Basically, he’s Mitch McConnell with an army.

No, he’s in it until he gets something he wants because the one thing he will not do is accept failure or defeat. His ego will not permit it, so it’s full speed ahead. I suppose it’s possible that he just creates an objective that he can obtain and call a win. With his control over the Russian media, he can tell them anything he wants and make them believe it. Like, “I just sent some of our boys out to pick me up some vodka and cigars and they got a little carried away!”

Personally, I think the only way we get out of this is if the Russian mafia has him whacked. He’s stepping on their livelihood and I’m sure that’s not going over well. Of course, Putin knows this too so he’ll be very hard to reach. This is a guy who knows how to be cautious. If you know how to assassinate, you know to prevent being assassinated.

I know there’s a faction that’s clamoring for escalating our military activities, from enforcing a no-fly zone to dropping bombs on Russian troops. I think we need to be verrrrrry careful about that. This is the first time in a long time that we have an enemy that can hit us back on our turf. If we start dropping ordnance on Russian forces, how long before Vlad lights up the west coast? Hell, they’ll no doubt take a shot at Washington DC too. That can easily take Baltimore with it and then goodbye Bluzdude.

Like I said, he doesn’t give a shit about his own civilians if we retaliate, and he cares even less about ours. I’m just saying that the consequences can be devastating, right here within our borders, so no matter how tough we like to sound with our buddies down at the bar, cooler heads need to prevail.

Finances and Stuff

The last few months have been a real learning experience. My father and brother-in-law both passed away suddenly late last year, but left very different circumstances in their wakes. Both handled all of the household finances and bank accounts.

My dad left a considerable trail of breadcrumbs. I already wrote about bringing home his “Go-bag,” containing all their important documents and $22k in cash. He had 2 handwritten pages included, that documented exactly what documents were in the case. He also had a piece of notebook paper on his desk that included (almost) all of his online passwords, plus a few on post-it notes. I know that’s not terribly secure, but it was most useful in trying to work with his accounts and investments. My brother, who works in accounting, was able to put things together fairly quickly.

Sadly, my sister’s husband left no such trail. He had been working on creating a reference for her, but he apparently never finished. She couldn’t even get into his computer or phone. It took a lot of sleuthing from my brother and one of my BIL’s work friends to figure things out and get a bead on how the finances stood.

These scenarios reverberated through our family, particularly with Sweetpea and my brother’s wife. Both were determined not to have such a situation repeat itself. I know my brother and sister-in-law sat down and went over things a few weeks ago.

I had been wanting to do something similar with Sweetpea for ages, pretty much ever since we got married. But it was never a front-burner issue until now.

Back when I was a single apartment-dweller, I got the notion that I’d better leave some similar tracks in case I were to drop dead. Someone would need to know what’s what, so I created a simple Word document that detailed how to get into my phone and computer, how to find my passwords, what kind of accounts I had and where, what I wanted to be done with my stuff, and so forth. I bought an online will, which I completed but never “activated” by getting it witnessed and signed. I posted about all that here.

So all I really needed to do was adjust the document to reflect the needs of my married status and then go over it with Sweetpea. I feel better now, knowing that she knows how to access everything and what to look for. I didn’t want her to ever think I was keeping financial secrets from her. I’d hate for a big chunk of change to end up going to the state, just because no one knew it was there.

The other big issue is the dispensation of “stuff.” Good god, we do collect a lot of stuff, don’t we? My mom and brother were back down in Florida last weekend going through the contents of my parents’ house. You know, what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, etc. Even as scaled back as their place was, there’s still so much stuff!

It doesn’t help that we all collect sports stuff. Dad had a whole curio full of figurines, stadium replicas, framed pictures, autographed balls, etc. My brother and I have similar collections. These things all seem so important to us at one time or another and then, poof. We’re gone and someone has to figure out what to do with all our shit.

My swag shelves. And this doesn’t even include all the Orioles bobbleheads I’ve collected from going to the games. I had to box them up because I ran out of room.

It leads to an internal struggle. On one hand, it’s something that I’ve become a lot more conscious about. I should really take action to try to sell off some of my stuff, while it still holds any kind of value. Even at this point, who would possibly want a Chris Davis bobblehead? (Former Orioles slugger who signed a huge contract and then never hit above .150 again.)

On the other hand, the Mario Lemieux Foundation is advertising another of their charity duffle bag sales, wherein fans can buy Penguins duffle bags filled with bobbleheads, signed pucks, plaques, coolers, and other swag. I’ve bought them before and each time I think, “OK, that’s the last time.” Until I see the next year’s goodies that I just have to have. So it’s a habit I have to break.

Our house is not particularly big. There’s a lot of room in the basement, but as this is the house Sweetpea and her family grew up in, it’s packed with her family’s lifetime of stuff. I have no intention of adding to it. I need to get serious about selling some stuff off.

Does anyone want to buy a Manny Machado bobblehead?

(Fili) Bust a Move

One interesting piece of news from last week was that Joe Manchin may be open to reforming the filibuster. Not removing it, but making it more painful to use.

I think that’s fantastic news even without going into why it’s necessary right now. Congress has been stopped up like they OD’d on a triple-decker cheese sandwich on cork and that’s because the filibuster is too easy to use.

One person can jam up progress on any issue he sees fit basically by saying “I call filibuster,” and then go skipping merrily on home, or toward the nearest dark money collection depot. Mitch McConnell issues filibusters the way Oprah used to give out cars.

“YOU get filibustered, and YOU get filibustered, and EVERYONE gets filibustered!

Filibusters should be used sparingly, not as a primary strategy. The Senate is supposed to be the “Deliberative Body.” There’s no deliberation when your only strategy is to shit-can whatever your opponent tries to do.

So kill it, make it hurt, or do something, or else we’ll have to get used to nothing but budgetary matters getting passed through Congress. But I still have concerns. It’s not like we can count on keeping the Senate every election. Republicans are geniuses at redirecting attention away from massive victories like the ACA or the new American Rescue Plan, and onto frivolous matters they made up, like controversies over Dr. Seuss, cancel culture, or men dressing as women and using their bathrooms.

We could very likely be in the Senate minority in two or four years. I’m actually shocked that McConnell didn’t kill the filibuster when the Republicans took the Senate in 2016.

Of course, Mitch got what he wanted (tax cuts and judges) without nuking the filibuster and that’s all he really cares about. Mitch doesn’t give a damn if social issues like anti-abortion laws get passed or not. In fact, it’s better for him if they can keep it as an issue to flog with the voters.

On the states’ side, it’s a different story. Republican state governments (like Arkansas) just passed the most stringent abortion law yet, banning it completely after six weeks. That’s before most women even know they’re pregnant. That’s not even two missed periods.

They’re counting on the new conservative Supreme Court to rubber-stamp whatever anti-abortion and voter suppression laws they can dream up. After all, that’s what they’re there for. That’s why they love the Former Guy so much… he gave them judges who would decimate Roe vs Wade and put the final screws to the Voting Rights Act.

As a male, I don’t understand how any woman could not be “pro-choice.” Being told by the state what you can and cannot do with your own body is reprehensible. There aren’t enough “fuck you”s in the world to handle what I’d have to say to someone giving me requirements regarding the function of my own body.

The GOP abortion laws are as much about preserving life as their Voter ID laws are about preventing fraud. It’s the control of women, plain and simple. As my mom always says, “If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.”

What I always say about it is that if conservatives were so concerned about reducing the number of abortions, they’d promote birth control. But they don’t do that, do they? They screamed bloody murder at the idea of picking up the cost of birth control as a part of the ACA. And not just the Catholics, either.

So if they are against the means to prevent pregnancy, all that’s left is behavior. Women’s behavior, which they must want to control. It’s the only alternative.

The states are still moving ahead with voter suppression laws, including one in Georgia outlawing bringing food or water to those waiting in line.

See, they’re not even hiding their intentions any longer. They’re making it obvious that they want to make it as hard as possible for lower and middle-class people to vote. They create the long lines by eliminating options to voting on Election Day, like voting via mail, and eliminating drop boxes and shortening early voting periods, and then just to piss on everyone’s ballot, they outlaw assistance for people who are forced to wait in the lines they manufactured. And then once you’re in, they require IDs that they made harder and more expensive to obtain. In order to vote in Georgia, and other like-minded states, you have to reeeeeeeeallly want to vote. And it’s hard to convince people that jumping through all those hurdles is worth it. Which is exactly the message the GOP is trying to send.

This is why it’s so important to pass HR 1, the new voting rights law. But, alas, I think it has much going against it. I mean, no Republican will ever, EVER vote for it. They know that increased turnout hurts their chances. And eliminating gerrymandering will instantly put a slew of long-term congressmen out of office. There are no principles in play here other than their own longevity in office. Where are the big ideas? Where are the programs that make lives better? They have none. Ideas cost money and the idea of the government spending money on the average citizen is a non-starter. (Just look at the resistance to the American Rescue Plan, which truly helps millions.) To Republican politicians, the only function of government is to siphon money upwards to big business and the 1%.

The idea of a free American vote is their worst nightmare because they have no platform to run on other than smoke and mirrors. And fear. But fear is cheap. They can make you scared of immigrants, Muslims, gays, liberals, atheists, and whatnot, and it won’t cost Big Business a dime.

So, without Republican support, the only way to get HR 1 passed is to take action on the filibuster, and that’s right where we came in. And then even if it passes, there’s the GOP Supreme Court there to strike it down.

I’ve said it before, but the only way anything changes is through grassroots support for Democratic or liberal candidates. The best way to get around the new SCOTUS is to not have any odious anti-abortion bills for them to review. Granted, I’m counting on precedent and consistency. If they rule that states can regulate abortion as they see fit, then that door swings both ways. State governments can loosen or eliminate all the bogus restrictions currently in place. In order to get rid of red-state bullshit, we have to turn the states blue. It can be done. Just ask Stacy Abrams.

If we continue to build from the ground up, the top will eventually have to represent our wishes. Until then, I’m hoping for the best but I’m not holding my breath.

And now a few quick thoughts:

***

I saw that Biden’s dog, Major, was sent home after nipping someone at the White House. It wouldn’t surprise me if Republicans are already drawing up impeachment papers. Gym Jordan should be calling for a Congressional hearing any day now.

***

The other day, I walked by this on the door to our office:

My first thought was, “Why in the hell do we have a 3-cup bra?”

If my recollections of Total Recall are correct, maybe we need to power down the microwave.

***

Our governor announced that he would permit the Orioles to allow 50% capacity at Camden Yards this season, but it was up to local jurisdiction. The mayor of Baltimore said that he’d allow 25% capacity.

Either way, it’ll be business as usual for the Orioles. I don’t think they’ll have to do anything different at all to keep people six feet apart.

***

Can someone tell me what the attraction is between Labradors and giant sticks? This is a picture of our dog’s current collection.

Each one is as long as a horse’s leg. One time he even brought home something that can only be described as a “log.” He seemed awfully proud of it.

Sweetpea says he’s gathering them up to give them to underprivileged dogs who don’t have any sticks.

I’m hoping the donation is tax-deductible. Or at minimum, the sticks aren’t classified as taxable income.

***

Good news! I think the post office log jam may finally be breaking up. This just came in the mail today:

That's the prescription I ordered from my Express Scripts back in November. See? It was filled on 12/3/20. The refill date is over a month ago. Good thing it was only generic blood pressure medication and not some designer drug I needed immediately. (I had my doc write me a script for a supply from my local Walgreens, so I never actually ran out.) But I thought this was going to be lost forever. In fact, Express Scripts already sent me a replacement supply. 

Not that this should buy Postmaster General DeJoy any reprieve from getting canned... I was lucky. Others had their life-saving drugs delayed and may not have been able to obtain more.

Dear Sweetpea,

By now, you’ve had your ring for more than 24 hours and we’ve both had the chance to tell our story to our friends and family. Yesterday, you made me the happiest man in the mid-Atlantic by accepting my formal proposal to get married. (OK, it wasn’t all that “formal. There were no tuxedos or tiaras involved.)

There has been a lot going on over the last two weeks, including a lot of plotting and scheming, but it really started several months ago. Another guy in my department was about to start shopping for a ring for his girl, so we began a conversation that drew in several others in the area. These friends became my “panel of experts” on how to go about buying an engagement ring.

Initially, when I Googled “Baltimore Wholesale Jewelers,” I found a place downtown near Camden Yards. It wasn’t open on Saturdays and opened and closed within my usual workday, so I knew it would be challenging to get out there. I figured I’d use this week’s Orioles day game as an excuse. I’d take the day off for the game and stop at the store first.

But then a couple weeks back, it occurred to me that their limited hours would be a continuing problem, what with needing to come back for fittings, wedding bands, and whatnot. So I Googled again and focused on our neighborhood. I found one place with the same problem. But then on the map, I saw a couple other places nearby and they were open Saturdays. After consulting the Yelp reviews, I picked a place to start.

Remember that Saturday, two weeks ago, when you took the dog to your sister’s house for a visit, and I ran errands and got a haircut? That was the day I selected your ring.

The jeweler asked me what I was looking for and I gave him your criteria… silver-looking band, round or square diamond cut. He asked for my price range and then went back to pull out some samples.

First, he showed me a simple ring setting in white gold. I thought it was gorgeous… simple and elegant. That was the one; I didn’t even look at any others. Then he laid out 4 envelopes with diamonds in them, and we went through each, lowest to highest.

The first was .94 karats, very good cut and clarity, and ran about $6k. Right there, I knew I’d find something nice because that one was gorgeous. Next, he showed me one that was .95 carats and a little higher quality. To me, it looked just like the first one.

The third stone was 1.01 carats and a little lower in quality. And that one was gorgeous too.

The last one he showed me was 1.05 carats, 3^rd highest category in color, 2^nd highest in clarity, and outside of the price range I’d given him. But that was the one. I loved it.

I know the differences were imperceptible to the naked eye but I wanted to make sure you knew, when I showed you the papers, that I found you a top-quality diamond. I wanted you to be proud of it. I know you don’t flash a lot of jewelry so I wanted this ring to be a good one. 

 The quality ratings for your stone.

It certainly doesn’t hurt that you have tiny little hands, which will make the rock look that much bigger.

I asked if he offered financing, and he said he didn’t. That surprised me for a moment. I briefly considered getting a bank loan on my own, but then had a moment of clarity that was definitely on the top of the scale, at least a VVS1. I had the money in my checking account; why would I ever want to get financing and pay the interest charges? Dummy! Just write him a check… Done!

He had me put $2k down on my credit card, to make sure no one else bought it out from under me. I had no problem with that… just meant I got some serious Thank You Points.

He told me that it would take about a week and he’d give me a call when it was done.

I wondered if you noticed, later that day when we reconvened at your place, if I seemed brighter and bouncier. I felt like I couldn’t contain myself with the excitement of such a big moment. But I tried to just be cool, lest you catch on that something was up.

The one thing everyone wanted to know was how I was going to propose. I told the jewelers that the only place of any prominence with us was Jilly’s, the bar where we first met. They had some suggestions but I didn’t really like them… I didn’t want the ring coming in food or a drink, or to even let it out of my possession. And I wanted to be the one to give it to you.

So I mentioned a scenario that had been rolling around in my head, where I make a play off of what I told you the day we met, when I didn’t want to let you get away. Rather than spend the rest of my bar-going days wondering if I’d ever see you again, I reached for your arm and said, “Wait, why don’t we just go out?”

Well, the jewelers loved my idea, as did everyone I told it to at work (and over the phone and via email. I really should have kept my yap shut. I totally broke my own rule of keeping big news quiet until it was over and done, lest something mess it up.)

But still, when I told people what I was going to do, everyone LOVED IT. Several people told me they got goosebumps. So I basically sent my idea through a Focus Group to get it woman-approved.

I went back to the jeweler the next Saturday but he said he had to send it out to be assembled because he didn’t have that setting on hand. He told me he expected it back by the end of the week. I’d been hoping I’d have a week to prepare my plan, which I was targeting for Mother’s Day. But all things considered, I didn’t really need that much time.

Thursday afternoon, when I was working from home, he called and said it was ready. I went to pick it up that evening and was thrilled. I thought it was absolutely beautiful and exactly what I wanted.

Then I wrote the largest check I’ve ever written in my life. Made me feel like a bigshot! Dude probably raced straight to the bank to make sure it cleared before I got out of the parking lot.

Who knew that my going to the Orioles game Friday night almost ruined the whole thing? I was at my usual pre-game bar with Sitcom Kelly and her Sitcom Sister, telling them about my plans. The bar manager, who’s been hooking us up with discounts for the last five years, was listening in. He asked if he could crash the wedding. (I said he could if he makes it to Pensacola next summer.)

Then you and I went to the Orioles game on Saturday and visited the same bar before the game. I was worried that the bar manager might say something, but he didn’t. But then, the bartender, who I’d never seen before that day, said to us, “So, I hear you’re getting married!”

  Source

I almost shit. But I thought I recovered well enough.  I said, “Well yeah, eventually… but not anytime soon…" We laughed it off. Then when you left to visit the ladies room, I said to her, in a tortured manner, “I’m going to ask her to marry me TOMORROW.”

Poor girl was horrified. She said the bar manager had told her we were getting married. See, I knew I shouldn’t have been blabbing my plans around town. Almost bit me in the ass.

And speaking of bites in the ass, you gave me one Saturday night, didn’t you? After the game when we were back at your place having a drink and sitting on the couch, we were discussing our future wedding plans. And you said something like “Wedding plans? It’s not like I have any evidence of any wedding plans…” as you waved your ring-less ring finger in front of me.

I was like, “She did NOT just give me a “Put a Ring on it” move…” I was thiiiis close to stomping into the bedroom, retrieving the ring from my bag and going, “OK, fine. Here’s your evidence, Smartass… Happy now?” But a plan’s a plan.

Earlier that morning, I had gone down to “our” bar and spoke with the bartender, the one who was there when it all started. As you know, she’s a very stately, white-haired, English woman, who looks like she should be teaching at Hogwarts. I had a role for her in this event and thought she’d be willing.

She totally was. And more importantly, she’d be on duty Sunday, despite it being Mother’s Day. She said she’d make sure my usual barstool was available. I asked her to ask us, when she had a moment, “Remind me again how you two met up?” I said to make sure she said to “remind her,” because she absolutely knew how we met, and you know that. But that was the cue for us to tell our favorite story. I was going to change the ending.

When we were together Thursday night, I planted the seed about going to the bar for a drink on Sunday, after we ran our errands. You seemed quizzical about it… While we do hang out at various bars from time to time, we don’t usually set it up in advance. But I wanted to get a stake in the ground.

And you agreed, thank goodness, even though I could tell it wasn’t very high on your list of things you wanted to do that Sunday. So thank you for that.

While you were getting ready, I was sitting at the table and decided to have a little fun with the ring, so I took this picture.

That’s your ring on your copy of the Sunday puzzles.

Then, when we were in the store and I had the ring deep in my pants pocket, I got the idea to hold up the ring behind you while you were facing away, and take another picture.

But I abandoned that idea because it just didn’t seem like a good idea to tempt fate and have you turn around unexpectedly. But it did make me regret that I didn’t think of it earlier. I could have taken pictures of the ring all over town and all over your house. But again, why tempt fate? I’d probably drop it down a sewer grate.

Finally, it was time to go to the bar, and to our good fortune, the bar area was completely empty. We got our seats; the bartender greeted us and got our drinks. About five minutes in, she came back over and began talking about her husband and how they came to America. And then, she brilliantly pivoted to use her line, to remind her how we got together here.

You began the story, which made me happy. I love watching you tell it. We usually tag-team it to provide both of our points of view. But this time, you blasted right through it. As you were talking, the bartender let out a little gasp and ducked down to grab her phone. She said, “I thought I heard it ringing,” and then set it on the bar.

I thought, “You sly dog… I know what you’re doing. You’re getting the camera ready.”

You continued your story but inside I began to panic. You were getting dangerously close to the part I needed to deliver. So I apologize for butting in so rudely, but it was unavoidable.

I jumped into the narrative and instead of recounting to the bartender how I said, “Wait, why don’t we just go out?” I turned to you and said, “Wait, why don’t we just… get married?”

With that, I fished the ring out of my shirt pocket and held it under your chin, waiting for the joyful explosion… that didn’t come. I even waved it a little bit but you didn’t seem to be reading me.

Little did I know that you were first thinking, “Why did he butt into my story,” and then, “Hey, that’s not how the story goes…”

But then the lights came on and there was joyfulness onto the world.

And most importantly, you said “Yes.”

I tried to put the ring on your finger, but I knew it wasn’t going to go on.

Months ago, I found one of the rings you wear on your ring finger and traced the inside of it onto one of my business cards.

I brought it with me so the jeweler would have a good starting point. But alas, when I picked up the ring last Thursday, it didn’t even fit over the first knuckle of my pinky. When I checked it against the circle on the card, you couldn’t see the circle, which meant the ring was going to be too small.

So I tried, but we’ll have to go back next Saturday and get it resized. At least you have this week to wave it around to all your friends at work. Just stay away from sewer grates.

You told me later that you hadn’t really wanted to go to the bar that afternoon, but you saw that I really wanted to, so you just went with it. And I told you that’s one of the reasons I love you that way I do. You do things like that for me all the time and I want you to know that I recognize it and I appreciate it. And I’ll do my best not to drag you along to places you’d rather not go.

I want to make it my top priority to be worthy of you and your love. You truly make me want to be a better man.

I love you and I can’t wait to be your husband.

Of course, after all the time we just spent trying to figure out who was the fiancé, who was the fiancée, and where the accent marks go, we’d better practice with those titles for a while.

The Obligatory Clasped Hands with Ring picture.