N. Carolina Eggs-ecutions

A couple of things bubbled up in my social media feed last week, and I want to talk a bit about them. First up, North Carolina wants to enshrine magical thinking into law:

The actual bill is more of a “personhood” item, bestowing full human rights to fertilized eggs. The fallout from that is that the NC GOP is pushing to allow “deadly force” to stop women they believe are having abortions. I’m sure you can see the can of worms that this opens.

“They believe.” That’s a pretty low bar to get over before murdering someone. One can believe anything. Will that now be a Get Out of Jail Free card for every guy who wants to knock off his wife or girlfriend?

“I’m sorry, Your Honor, I swear she was on her way to get an abortion. I had no choice but to beat her to death.”

Will this make murder the penalty for using an IUD? Or having a miscarriage? The language in the bill has chilling ramifications, and it’s all based on the massive assumption that “human life begins at fertilization,” which the bill characterizes as “a matter of indisputable scientific fact,” a highly contentious statement. (Ridiculous statement, in my opinion.) They reason that if one can use deadly force to defend one’s own life, it can be used to defend this prospectively defined human being/clump of cells.

So I can just see this being used as a tactic outside Planned Parenthood or other reproductive health clinics. A group of morons ring the clinic and shoot anyone who comes near, because “they believe” someone is about to have an abortion.

There are a whole slew of other ripples this bill would force us to handle. Are these cell clumps/fetuses counted in the census? Do they count as dependents and tax deductions? Can they inherit estates? Can they receive monetary gifts or own bank accounts?

On the bright side, so far, this is just a bill being introduced. It still has to pass both houses and be signed by the governor. Republicans may have the numbers to pass it; they enjoy a 71-47 advantage in the NC House and a 30-20 lead in the Senate. They have this edge because North Carolina is the “Poster State” for gerrymandering, and the state districts have been carved up to deliver the maximum GOP seats. The Governor, whose election is NOT affected by gerrymandering, is a Democrat, and House Republicans are one vote short of a veto-proof super-majority. That means the vote would be razor-thin to uphold a veto, but one bought-off or threatened Democrat could tip the scales.  But it would be politically perilous because popular sentiment is overwhelmingly in favor of broader reproductive rights, not narrower.

Democrats in North Carolina (and nationally) should make this a billboard issue to make the point that Republicans are not finished with their assault against women. Unless cooler heads prevail and they chuck this insidious proposal, hang this bill around their necks and make them wear it like a scarlet letter.

***

The other thing I found noteworthy is this cartoon.

I found it on social media and saved it for later use, and then later saw it pop up on a couple of blogs I follow. So I know I’m not the first to run it, but I feel I have to because it’s perfect. It’s an absolutely accurate depiction of what’s going on right now, as well as during the last 20 years.

I’ve been saying for years that all the Republicans have to run on is fear; fear of brown foreigners, gays, Liberals, non-Christians, Atheists, etc. They use that for misdirection away from their true intentions (like creating a rich, white, ruling class, siphoning tax money from the lower and middle classes upward to the 1%, and invalidating the rights of non-white and non-male. Because they don’t have a platform that offers tangible benefits to the average American, they have to guide our attention elsewhere, and fear is a potent weapon. So they get everyone worked up about these scary assertions, many of which disappear immediately upon the end of Election Season, and ride the big wave of fear and distrust right into office. At that point, all their attention turns to the enrichment of themselves, friends, and cronies. And with this Administration, self-aggrandizement, persecution of enemies, and setting up a permanent thumb on the scales of elections to come.

We need to keep our eyes on what’s truly important, like fixing the economy, eliminating those damaging tariffs, making health care affordable (and getting it back in line with the science), repairing our international standing, and installing a rational immigration policy that doesn’t include concentration camps. (And a host of other cleanup items to undo the damage caused by this clown-shoes game show host.)

And I’m hopeful there will be resources available for the gargantuan task of removing “his” name from everywhere he smeared it.

No, They are NOT the Same

When I was a little boy, maybe third or fourth grade, I asked my dad what the difference was between Republicans and Democrats. There had been a boy on the playground who was going around threatening to beat up any kid who said he was a Democrat. I messed around with him by going, “I’m a Democrat…  OK, I’m a Republican. No, I’m a Democrat…” I wasn’t too worried about getting beaten up… he was a fat kid, so I knew he couldn’t catch me. (I still remember his name… He’s probably the president of his local RNC.) But later, I figured I’d get to the bottom of the whole thing and try to figure out what I really was.

Many parents would have told their child not to worry about such things at such a tender age. But Dad told me something I’d never forget. He told me, “Republicans want the rich to get richer, and the Democrats want the poor to get richer.”

I thought for a second and said, “Then I’m a Democrat.”

Dad said, “Good boy.”

In the fifty-plus years since then, I’ve never seen any evidence that Dad was anything but 100% right with that call. Everything Republicans do is for the ultimate goal of improving the lives and bank accounts of the rich, even if it’s just pandering via religion to stay in power. It used to be subtle, but no longer.

Such open market tampering should be illegal… It probably is for the president via the Emoluments Clause, which states that a president may not profit from the office. But here he is anyway, making stock trades where he can create motion in the market just by saying something. So when he talks about a company or industry, he knows the inevitable result in the market, so before the speech, he either buys or sells, depending on where he KNOWS the stock is going.

It’s like he’s Biff in Back to the Future 2, making bets based on a sports almanac from the future, which shows all the winners. And no one will do jack shit about it. The Justice Department is no longer an entity that enforces the law, they are the president’s personal legal team. Prosecuting him is not in their charter. But watch them charge Nancy Pelosi with the same thing!

Yeah, the Republicans have been howling about Pelosi’s stock trades for years, and ignoring their own Congress critters who do the same thing. Bills have been introduced to outlaw stock trades by sitting Congress people, but, surprise-surprise, have not gotten any traction in getting passed.

It’s like with term limits. Why would they want to eliminate a perk of their own job? It’s in their interest to keep things the way they are. That especially goes for those who aren’t already wealthy, which, granted, are few and far between. Even though the congressional salary of around $175k sounds like a lot to Middle America, it costs a fortune to live in the DC area. Apartments and real estate in the DC metro area are obscenely expensive. And it’s not like you always get bang for your buck, either. It’s not that the places are that great; it’s that they're near DC, that’s it. It’s like the LA of the East Coast, only with lousier weather.

As far as I’m concerned, they should establish Congressional Barracks, like a complex of row houses, earmarked for Congress and even support staff (who REALLY get reamed on cost of living). With housing covered, they can pass a law banning stock trades for all government officials. Transgressors would get hit with loss of the amount used for purchase or sale, with an equivalent fine to boot.

Whatever the details, our elected officials should not be using their positions to enrich themselves, especially not by manipulating the markets and then using insider knowledge to profit.

Another peek into the Republican psyche comes from this article on Shark Tank’s token money-worshipping rich prick, Kevin O’Leary:

The complete quote from the headline: “I hope they work for my competitors.” This is the Republican philosophy in a nutshell, regarding how they view non-rich Americans. We’re just cogs in their personal machines that convey dollars upward to them. They don’t care about our quality of life, our opinions, what makes us happy, or anything else. We are a resource to exploit for their own gain. They would rather we just thank them for keeping us busy.

Once upon a time, such things were never stated publicly; one could only surmise such a stance from evaluating their corporate policies. But the current regime has emboldened the 1% to seek out the same kind of praise and adulation for being large and in charge that the president craves so much.

They want to demand company loyalty, applying pressure to work longer and harder for less and less. And then they display no such loyalty back, rolling out layoffs and job eliminations to keep the bottom line where they want it. It’s not like they’re going to cut back on executive bonuses, are they?

They demand everything, give you as little as possible in return, and cut you loose at the first sign of trouble. That’s the corporate American way, which is synonymous with the Republican way.

And somehow, they get people to keep voting for them, showing how they are true masters of manipulation.

 

Don't Believe the Hype

I think the state of Maryland is a shining example of how elections should be conducted. They have ample time for early voting, sufficient voting machines, and automatic mail-in ballots to all who request them. They provide ballot tracking back to the voter, to ensure confidence that one’s vote is counted.

That said, they really stepped in it this time around.

When they mailed out the ballots for the upcoming midterm primary elections, they provided the wrong party’s ballot to some voters. That necessitated a complete scrap of the mailed ballots and a remailing to all voters who chose mail-in ballots. They said there was an error on the part of the third-party vendor who physically mailed the ballots.

You can guess how that went over in the media:

Top story, front page.

Right out of the gate, the Republicans are on the warpath, declaring a fraud in process. The local conservative-shilling newspaper was right there to put up front-page headlines. Together, they’re acting like it was the Governor himself, stuffing envelopes and licking stamps, with a nefarious giggle. And they completely ignore what’s being done to correct the error.

They’ve already sent out emails and mailings (both of which I have received) with instructions to disregard the first ballot and only return the second. And if, like me, one has already turned in his ballot, instructions are to vote again with the new ballot because none of the old ones will be counted. (Inevitable Fox “News” headline: “Governor tells Marylanders to vote twice!”) The new ballots will have clear watermarked language on them, saying that these are the only ballots to be counted.

Also, keep in mind that this is a primary, so Democrats aren’t competing with Republicans. If cheating was the goal, why do it now during intra-party elections?

So, all the old ballots they receive will not be counted. If they have any sense, they’ll destroy them all. And it should be evident among the ballots received that they don’t get counted unless they have the watermark. Simple process.

I don’t see what else they can do to rectify the situation. I believe the votes will be counted fairly and accurately. I’m just pissed that they gave Republicans a lever to yank on, to claim foul when Maryland goes even Bluer than usual. And I especially dread when the Feds want the State to turn over all the ballots for review. I’m uneasy with the party known for cheating the system being handed the very material they can most easily use to cheat. The mistake may not be fatal, but it makes the job that much harder. It’s all a giant unforced error.

Or was it? Maybe there’s an operative or two within this vendor that were planted for the purpose of sowing suspicion about election integrity. It wouldn’t be that hard to arrange. There are enough Congressmen being paid off by moneyed interests, why not some putz in a mailroom? If you ask me, they should have picked some other state that doesn’t vote so predictably Blue.

So, when you inevitably see national news of the Maryland primaries being called into question, take it from a Marylander: They’re conning you. The error is being mitigated and will have no impact on the final vote tally. But they don’t want you to think about that, only the hysterical charges and hyperbole with which they describe all their opponents’ actions.

It's More Than a Naked Emperor

There’s a persistent myth being pedaled by Republican outlets that all Democrats have to run on is not being Trump. While “not being Trump” is a tremendous selling point to people whose EEGs show activity, it’s hardly the only nail in the toolbox. Last weekend, this editorial cartoon appeared in recently turned Republican mouthpiece, the Baltimore Sun:

Clearly, they’re seeking to persuade low-information chumps that the Dems have no substance other than hating their leader, which is truly ironic, given the ethos that currently holds Republicans together. Seriously, you’d really have to have your head in the sand to not see the legitimate concerns that Democrats can use to wrest power from the craven minions of the rich. Or watch Fox “News.”

Merely getting rid of the current president does little to fix what his team has done to the country. Republicans need to be voted out en masse. If they weren’t directly in on it, they were still sucking up to the perpetrators and allowing such gross negligence to prosper.

Democrats have an entire playbook to run on, and that’s Project 2025. None of it is contingent solely on the current occupant of the White House. It was written by Republicans and designed to be used by any Republicans in office. Last election, Republicans, to a man, denied having anything to do with this playbook, yet once they swept into power, they began enacting its directives immediately.

If I were a presidential (or congressional) candidate, that would become my Bible. I’d read from it on the campaign trail and highlight the damages done by the current Administration following its instructions. And none of it has to do with Trump. It’s all about consolidating power among rich Republicans and changing enough laws to ensure they stay in power.

It’s all right there…

·         Bouncing immigrants out of the country,

·         Declaring their political opponents to be “terrorists,” to facilitate rounding them up at a later date,

·         Setting up ICE as a personal military organization, loyal only to the Administration, to get around Posse Comitatus as a tool to intimidate and neutralize political opponents,

·         Buying and allowing the consolidation of national media to present a Conservative-friendly viewpoint

·         Altering census methodology to undercount city residents and foreigners,

·         Making it harder for lower and middle class citizens to vote, gerrymandering Red States to make a changing of the guard damn-near impossible,

·         Making women jump through hoops that few men do, eliminating reproductive rights to keep women under the thumb of paternalism,

·         Railing against “DEI” to cover removing people of color from the military and government, and removing initiatives that helped them get there,

·         Packing the courts, Supreme and otherwise, with their own Federalist Society shills by any means necessary,

·         Abandoning renewable energy options and relying solely on the fossil fuel industry for power, which goes hand in hand with general climate-change denial, and much more.

Any of these items could be a marquee part of a political campaign. Yet the Baltimore Sun (and apparently the Chicago Tribune, from whence the cartoon originated) wants everyone to think that all Liberals want to do is persecute some poor half-senile public servant. No such luck. The Dems need to run the races of their lives to overturn this headlong rush into an American Dystopia, where the rich live like kings, and the rest of us rob, cheat, and kill each other just to get by. That will only happen by putting a spotlight on what is happening right now and how it’s affecting average Americans.

Republicans don’t have many legitimate positions that help the working class, so they have to create boogiemen to scare the votes out of them.

All we can do is cling to the truth and call out the BS when we see it. Eventually, more people will realize that the Emperor and his minions have been streaking this whole time.

But note that we can’t count on the national media to help… It’s all they can do to get a paper printed without typos or incorrect grammar-induced misconceptions. Like this headline from this morning:

What they’re telling me is a great relief! Looks like even after I’m dead and gone, it’s not too late to choose what happens to my carcass. I wonder if I still have to fill out forms, or if I just float off to the nearest psychic?

Jokes about the headline aside, the article presents an interesting option that I’d never heard of before.

Talk about "soiling oneself..." I can see the appeal of literally returning to the earth after passing, but then using the soil as fertilizer to grow your own stuff? I don’t know about that.  I’d have to think long and hard about eating the fruits of my labor that had been literally nourished by a departed loved one.

I can just see the eventual harvest…

“Hey, that tomato looks like Grandpa!”

I wouldn’t even want to consider growing an ear of corn…

The Art of the Roast

Warning: I’m posting about Friars’ Roasts today and am including some of the graphically impolite jokes from prior roasts. Go no further if easily offended.

I’ve always loved the Friars’ Roasts, going all the way back to the Dean Martin roasts of the 70s. Granted, the ones we have today are far more “industrial strength” than Dino’s were, at least the parts that were aired on TV. I’m told that in person, they were just as filthy, but because they aired on network TV, the harsh parts never made it past network Standards and Practices, or government oversight.

Because the roasts are not aired on broadcast TV, the FCC has no say over content, so cable stations are free to broadcast whatever they think the marketplace will tolerate.

Director’s DVD Commentary: The FCC only has dominion over public airwaves because that is a public resource. Therefore, cable/streaming, because we choose to pay for them, is not affected.

The roasts are the last refuge of the completely Un-PC joke, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners comedy. It’s the kind of stuff my friends and I used to engage in amongst ourselves, although we were nowhere near as clever. Anything was fodder for jokes back then. The bigger the taboo, the bigger the laugh.

So, if you choose to watch a roast, you should know what you’re in for. If one is squeamish about hearing jokes about sex, race, religion, divorces, family tragedies, medical issues, cosmetic surgeries, and politics, often in X-rated language, don’t tune in. (Same for this post. See warning above.)

Further, if you are famous and contemplating participating in such a roast, you can expect to have your life’s most embarrassing moments mocked and thrown in your face, and it will be brutal. If you can’t handle that, don’t go. And that’s not just the “honoree.” All the roasters get roasted as well. You shouldn’t sling it if you can’t take the returned fire.

You wouldn’t have thought so, but our famously thin-skinned president was once the “honoree” of such a roast. I heard that he told the network that the comics could rip him about any subject, including the perception that he wants to fuck his oldest daughter, just as long as no one intimated that he wasn’t as rich as he claimed (at the time). That told me that he definitely wasn’t as rich as he claimed, at least not until he found his life’s greatest grifting opportunity in the Oval Office.

Anyway, I’ve been watching the roasts forever, because I know that I’ll spend 2-3 hours laughing my face off. For the last 30 or so years, they’ve done one roast per year, usually airing on Comedy Central. Last year, they put the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. And last Saturday, they aired the roast of comic Kevin Hart, broadcast live, which I watched. It can now be called up on Netflix anytime. I presume it’s been edited since the initial broadcast. Running two hours and fifty minutes, I’m sure they can find at least 20 minutes to cut, to tighten it all up. Not every remark was gold.

How was it? Not bad. I got a lot of genuine belly laughs, but not as many as I have in the past. I think the panel of roasters was a little too uneven. Too many little-known friends and not enough seasoned comedians. Although the “surprise” appearance by The Rock was entertaining. Those two guys together are always a riot.

Mainstay Jeff Ross was there, but surprised me by being the first roaster. As a roasting legend, they usually put him on later. He still killed, but looked pretty bad (even for him.) Apparently, he recently survived cancer, so the treatments must have taken a toll. But even at his best, comic Lisa Lampanelli once roasted him by saying, “Jeff, looking at you reminds me that I need to shave my taint.”

Chelsea Handler provided the first joke I saw bubble up on my news feed this morning. She was targeting Hart and comedian Tony Hinchcliffe, who is best known for performing at a Trump rally and insulting Puerto Rico by calling it a “floating island of garbage.” Both had recently performed at a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia.

Chelsea killed with her segment. I guess she was the hot blonde comic in place of Nikki Glaser, whose career went nuclear last year after her set on the Tom Brady roast.

Every time I watch a roast, I can’t help but miss comic Greg Giraldo, who was a roasting mainstay until his passing in 2010. (Man, I had no idea that was 26 years ago. I was going to guess around 10 before I looked it up.) This guy never failed to slay me. On the roast of Joan Rivers, referring to her many cosmetic surgeries, he told her, “You look like if Steven Tyler fucked a life raft.”

To Bob Saget, he once said, “You’re an 'artist' the way Cloris Leachman is 'moist'.” (Cloris was on the dais.)

To redneck comedian, Jeff Foxworthy, he said, “You look like a guy Tonya Harding would fuck in a '78 Nova.”

To rapper Flava Flav, he said, “You look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape.”

My favorite of his was to very large (and now deceased) comic Ralphie May, “You’re the only guy in America who goes to a porno movie and cums when the guy shows up with the pizza.”

At the roast of Rob Lowe, David Spade killed me with this comment on a large-craniumed NFL quarterback who was on the dais, “Peyton Manning is the only one who’s been given more head than Rob Lowe.”

Later, Rob Lowe piled on, “Peyton is here to tell Zika babies, 'It could be much worse.'”

Pete Davidson was there last night, which reminded me of this comment of his to Martha Stewart, during the roast of Justin Bieber: “Martha, you’re so old your first period was The Renaissance.”

He also had this one that killed me, regarding host Kevin Hart and roaster Shaquille O’Neal, “It’s great to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s dick… Shaq, thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels as Super Mario.”

Also at the Bieber roast, comedian Natasha Legero told him, “Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. That makes her the unluckiest Selena in show biz.”

Same roast, rapper Ludacris said to a fellow rapper, “Snoop, there are not a lot of Black billionaires, just Dr. Dre, and the guy who sells you weed.”

I could go on all day but I’d better wrap this up, so here’s one of the best digs I ever heard, which came from comic Anthony Jeselnik while roasting Charlie Sheen, ”Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law and Order SVU.”

Good night, and tip your waitresses.

 

Director’s DVD Commentary: Lest you think I memorized all those quotes, or spent the day looking them up, I didn’t. One of the notes I keep on my Notes phone app is a list of favorite roast quotes, collected over the years of watching them. I often open it up whenever I need a quick giggle. And yeah, as you probably suspect, the only reason I posted on roasts today was to use some of the quotes. 

Odd Bits - The Germ-Ridden Edition

Last week’s post about fake assassination attempts ran longer than I initially intended, so I omitted some other news events I wanted to cover. I’ll address them today.

One Flu Over the Sniper’s Nest

SecDef Whiskey Pete removed the requirement that all troops receive flu shots, making them optional. I’m wondering if this is a new war strategy. Given his lack of safety precautions for the various bases in the Middle East, which have been left exposed and have taken heavy damage, he may be counting on some of his guys getting captured. His hope could be that rather than intel, they’ll give the enemy the flu. Or at least get gross bodily fluids all over enemy camps.

He says it’s about the principle that one can’t force a man to do things to his body against his will. And the “a man” part is a telling factor because these MAGA goons certainly don’t recognize the bodily autonomy of a woman. This is just more evidence that the new Conservatives consider women to be second-class citizens/property. Only men’s rights are worth fighting for. More on this in a bit.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Double Standard

The state of Virginia voted to approve a new Democratic-skewed congressional map, which was immediately nullified by a Republican judge. Shortly after, the Supreme Court voted to allow racial and any other kind of gerrymandering, as long as the developers of the map don’t explicitly state that they want to screw the minorities. As with most Republican legal positions, they want it to be legal when they do it but illegal when anyone else does.

Now, I’m in favor of eliminating gerrymandering of all kinds. I think there should be a bipartisan commission in each state that draws fair and representative districts. BUT, as long as the Republicans are cooking the books in Texas, Florida, Indiana, Missouri, and the other Red States, I think the Democrats need to do the same. Standing on principle is pointless if you’re the only ones doing it. I refuse to take the noble stand while the opposition flouts the rules of decency and amasses enough power to retain it for generations. We can already see that their goal is to create a rich, white, male utopia at the expense of everyone else. They’re not even hiding it any longer. We need to avail ourselves of every tactic there is to seek a more even playing field. Otherwise, our vaunted Democratic Republic will disappear in a swirl of grift, racism, and religious fervor.

Texas Tea-ching

The state of Texas has been cleared to require the posting of the Ten Commandments in every classroom, breaking many decades' worth of precedent separating church and state. “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…” That sounds pretty clear to me, and requiring the posting of religious tenets of one religion is obviously in violation.

If I were a teacher in Texas, I’d find a way to add the tenets of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Pastafarianism to my classroom wall décor.

To me, the best take on the Ten Commandments came from legendary comedian George Carlin, who, using logic and common sense, whittled the Ten Commandments down to two:

·         Thou shalt be honest and faithful…

·         Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anybody.

I was going to embed the video, but it no longer seems to be on YouTube in its entirety.

SNAP Crappola and Pop

The GOP is trying to work up more requirements on what one’s meager SNAP benefits can be used to purchase. The latest attempts would eliminate, among other things, soda and rotisserie chicken. Republicans won’t be happy until all that poor people can get from the government is a thin gruel, preferably after waiting in a blocks-long line. To them, if you’re poor, it’s your fault, and this is all you deserve.

I’m looking for the next proposal, where someone creates a poor-folks’ MRE, like the military’s “Meals Ready to Eat.” Then the government could pass out boxes of these pre-approved rations and be sure they couldn’t possibly be enjoyed. Obviously, they will be produced by whichever giant agri-business greases the right politicians. Mark my words, it’s coming.

United States Male Service

A federal court has upheld Louisiana’s ban on receiving the abortion pill by mail, which will somehow affect the rest of the country. It is a major piece in the GOP agenda to keep women pregnant and under male control. See, much like mail-in voting, by eliminating the mailing of the abortion pill, women have to go to places that provide such services. That’s where the Republican suppression techniques kick in. They can harass people coming and going, legislate against such places via zoning restrictions or other capricious legal maneuvers, or continue the effort to ban specific drugs and procedures. It’s another way for a small portion of Americans to impose their religious inclinations on the rest of the country, regardless of anyone else’s moral or ethical code. It’s the Republican mantra: agree with me, or you’re not a “real” American.

Passport Trolling

When I read that the president is pasting his scowling puss onto American passports this summer, I was overjoyed that I already applied. In fact, my new passport came last Friday, sans the mug of the Orange Troll. That’s the last thing I’d want to flash around in various international ports. Talk about making yourself a more obvious target. There should be an option where on the first page it says, “Please don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him.”

Despite all the warnings that this would take a good bit of time, I received my passport roughly three weeks after I applied. Now I’m just waiting for them to return my old junior high school passport.

Funny thing though… Sunday morning, I received a status update email from the government, saying they just mailed my passport and I’d receive it on Tuesday, the passport I’d already received two days earlier. Just goes to show, this Administration can’t even succeed without looking like a screw-up.

Déjà Vu

Here we are again, days after another “attempt” on the president’s life. At least that’s what’s being uncritically reported in the mass media. Now, before we get to this weekend’s event at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, let me state this clearly.

The Butler “shooting” was staged. I believe that down to my toes. While there is no smoking gun, there is strong circumstantial evidence. And I bet there would BE a smoking gun if there had been a proper investigation. This one seems to have stopped with, “The shooter is dead.” Here is some of the most compelling evidence:

You could also add that the blood pattern didn’t match the promoted scenario. There would have been blood flowing back from the presidential ear (which would have a piece missing, given the weapon used), not coming from the mouth, where a blood capsule was likely popped. The president used to attend and participate in professional wrestling events, remember?

And to add to the item about the guided photo op and moving the flag into the background, given the general incompetence of this Administration, I find it impossible to believe that those things happened on the fly, as opposed to being mapped out from the onset. There were way too many moving parts for that to have happened so quickly in the middle of an active-shooter emergency, without advanced planning. These guys can’t even clear a small area in a park for the president to hold up a bible without stepping on their own dicks.

Perhaps, one day, when there is new leadership at the Justice Department, a proper investigation will be done, and we will learn that this thing was 100%:

So, with the Butler event already in the books, you’d wouldn’t think they’d tempt fate and try again, but here we are. It could be that they used the first incident as a learning opportunity for the second. This time, they used a guy whose social media indicated that he was no fan of the president, so they could more easily blame Democrats. OK, the guy was an Independent, but it’s the same difference to MAGA. Either you’re with them, or you’re the enemy.

They also made sure to shoot someone wearing a bulletproof vest, to avert murder charges once the charade eventually unravels (with the next Administration).

There were several “tells” that indicate this was another staged incident.

·         The Vice President was cleared out first.

·         The president and his entourage remained close by the site. The protocol would be to move them to the White House or other fortified location.

·         The President and his minions maintained a happy and jovial demeanor following the attack, as if it were nothing but a waiter dropping a tray of dishes.

·         Security was laughably lax, considering what’s going on in the world. Hotel or not, that place should have been buttoned down, and all guests checked out. An organization like the Secret Service routinely closes down whole blocks if the president is passing through. There’s no way some schmo gets through with knives and disassembled rifles by accident.

·         The president spoke from prepared and polished notes within an hour of the shooting and followed the notes without going off the cuff, as he customarily does. Presidential remarks don’t just tumble out in acceptable form in minutes. There’s no way these notes were made without advance warning.

·         Within minutes, all the MAGA players were tweeting the same talking point, that this proved the need for TFG’s new ballroom.

All of these people on the MAGA grapevine had this item in the chamber, ready to go.

So, maybe all this was just the Administration “falling up a hill” again and landing on their feet. But there’s never been any official incident, activity, or effort that indicates these people should be given the benefit of the doubt. Just about every worst-case scenario proposed by us liberal alarmists has come to pass, or is on the brink of doing so. They, more than anyone, need to offer proof. The “word” of this administration is not sufficient to convince me that gravity is real, let alone that this doofus has survived three actual assassination attempts.

The thing I’d really like to know is where they would get the faux-assailants? Is there some kind of personals ad section in the back of Soldier of Fortune where one can hook up with some clown who wants to be famous and doesn’t mind getting shot in the process?

I bet the Russians would be a big help in staging ruses like these. They know how to play the long game. They’d provide advice on how to keep an asset in place for years, building up their backstory, before finally initiating the big plan.

Sadly, we will never know, because this Justice Department is uninterested in anything but filing charges against the president’s perceived enemies. It’ll take a change of regime before we learn anything of use. Just like they will never EVER use the Epstein files to prosecute anyone associated with Republican politics, we will never get to the truth behind these so-called attacks until those in charge now are gone.

Again, I don’t have any smoking guns; this is just one dude’s opinion. I’m just sayin’ what I’m seein’.

Update:

Mom

I lost my mother last September. She was 86. She was also a teacher, poet, and whiskey drinker.

When I lost my dad, back in September of 2021, it was a much different situation. He was hit by a stroke, out of the blue, and then he was gone. He was almost 83, and I was sure he’d be around well into his 90s because he had been in great shape.

Mom had a much tougher path. She’d taken a couple of falls since Dad passed, and they really messed her up. By the end, she was in chronic pain and had to be heavily medicated. She spent her last two months with home hospice care, dependent on others to get to the bathroom and move from chair to bed. It was an undignified life, and she hated that; hated being a bother to anyone. So when she passed, it was really a blessing because her suffering was over.

So now my brother, sister, and I are 60-year-old orphans.

I can’t complain because we’ve had a good run. So many people lose one or more parents early in life, so we made out. I hope my retirement is half as good as theirs was. But still, over the last several months, things would happen in my life, and I’d itch to tell Mom about them, and it would come back to me that she was gone, leaving me nothing to do with my news. She loved to hear stories about the latest thing the dog did, or how our kitchen renovation was going. I guess I never outgrew the phase where I want to tell my parents about something I did and get their approval.

Anyway, we had her Celebration of Life last Saturday, and a slew of relatives came to Baltimore from Pittsburgh, Wisconsin, California, and North Carolina to enjoy lunch, some drinks, and tell stories and remembrances about Mom.

2016

This was my presentation:

Once upon a time, a traveling entertainer was on the road and came across a beautiful kingdom. He asked the first person he saw to direct him to the palace, so he could request an audience with the king and ask about landing a performing gig there.

Eventually, he was shown to an ornate chamber where the king and queen sat high on their thrones. Brought before the royal couple, he realized that the spotty road food he’d eaten earlier had left him uncontrollably gassy, and he loudly passed some of it before he could even begin.

The king was greatly offended and thundered, “How dare you fart before my queen?”

To which, the entertainer replied, “I’m sorry, Your Grace, I didn’t know it was her turn!”

 

That was one of the first jokes my mom ever taught me. She knew that potty jokes always landed with grade-school boys. So she provided me enough material to kill on the playground for years to come. That was helpful because when you’re always the new kid and you’re not the biggest or toughest, it’s good to be funny. She also inspired in me a love of wordplay, which I’ve used to torment my friends and family ever since.

I’ve always said that I’m a combination of both my parents. Some things I got from Dad were the need for things to make sense and call Bullshit when it doesn’t, the will to mess with people just for fun, and an enhanced sense of practicality.

From Mom, I inherited much different set of personality traits.

The first was a need to create via writing. I never had Mom’s gift for poetry, but I picked up journaling from her, which fed my need to chronicle and catalog everything in my life, like a born scorekeeper. Like, it’s not worth doing if you can’t record it and tell someone about it later.

And with writing came her family’s knack for storytelling. Her father and brother were two of the masters, and Mom carried on the tradition, regaling us with the family stories from her childhood and on. Modern life doesn’t provide us with as many one-on-one storytelling opportunities as it used to, so I turned to writing and eventually blogging to tell my stories.

Mom was my first editor, from book reports to research papers, and all I ever wanted to hear was, “That’s fine, turn it in as is.”

Now, I never, EVER, heard that. And remember that all of this was back before the internet or even onscreen word processing. I had to use a manual typewriter, and it wasn’t until college that I got to use a fancy electric one. So, anything more than a small misspelling meant that I’d have to type the whole damned thing over again. Sometimes we’d go round and round about a correction. It took a while before I realized that she was always right about those things, and it would have been easier on me if I had just gotten started on the retyping.

I remember once I mailed Mom a short story I’d written up, and that Sunday when I called for feedback, Dad answered the phone. I asked where Mom was, and he told me she was out, shopping for more red pens.

That was probably just Dad messing with me, but I couldn’t be certain.

Another gift from Mom was that of political activism, idealism, and the pursuit of social justice. I learned empathy from her and to try to leave the world better than I found it. Again, that’s another thing that surfaced in my more recent writing. Mom was my biggest fan and usually the first commenter, right up until she could no longer use an iPad.

Sometimes, still, in these last few months, I’d do up an essay and think, “Mom will really like this one… oh yeah...shit.”

Not only was she our mom, but she often acted as a backup, auxiliary Mom to the rest of the Neighborhood. All of my closest friends knew that when they were having troubles at home, they could come by for some comfort and a hot meal. Especially on Friday nights, when everyone knew they could find a crockpot full of mac n cheese. That was Mom’s specialty. My buddies would go on about its savory qualities, describing everything from the aroma to the ~pfffft~ sound it made when you broke the top layer.

And then there were the Morning-After-Barn-Party detox sessions. I’d crawl down from my room and survey all the human wreckage sitting around the kitchen table… blankets around their shoulders, hair all messed up, and Mom plying them with coffee and hot homemade cinnamon rolls. We’d reconstruct the night by playing another game of I Did What? Mom would just be over there shaking her head in exasperation.

Sadly, the Crock Pot Mac n Cheese came to an end during the time Mom was staying with us. Mom was always saying, “What can I do? What can I do?” Mostly it was just “Get out of the way, get out of the way,” but sometimes Sweetpea would ask her to make a batch of mac n cheese, which Mom was only too happy to do.

Then one night, as I dug into a big helping, it tasted a bit off. I couldn’t quite place the ingredient, so I tried some more. Still not right. Then Sweetpea took a bite, scrunched up her face, and asked Mom, “What did you put in this?”

Mom said, “Just some olive oil,” and pointed to the bottle of dish soap on the counter.

Meanwhile, I was still poking around my plate, trying to find a place that didn’t have as much soap in it. I just couldn’t stand having to dump the whole batch, but it had to be done. And that’s when we figured it was time to retire Mom’s wooden spoon, which as my brother and I fully remember, she could wield like a ninja when we needed our foolishness to end.

At my parents’ 50^th anniversary event, Dad explained that there were two reasons they’d been married for so long. For one, he traveled a lot. And the other was that he married an angel. When it was Mom’s turn, she stood and said, “Everything he said is true,” then sat back down.

I think she might well have been an angel, or at least as close as we humans get. We're fortunate that we’ve been able to stand in her light as long as we have. I know we’re all better people for having had her in our lives. May her spirit live on through us.

2013

Doing the Passport Boogie

The thing to remember about the SAVE Act is that it’s not tied to the current president. This was something dreamed up in Project 2025, meaning it comes from the Heritage Foundation, the architects of Republican plans and strategy. So even if it doesn’t pass soon, in its current form, we may well see it surface again.

With that in mind, Sweetpea and I took steps last week to obtain passports, which seem to be the silver bullet to getting registered to vote. Both of us have expired passports. Hers is recent, but not recent enough to just get it renewed. Plus, she underwent a name change when we got married, meaning if the SAVE Act ever goes through, she’d be affected by the new registration requirements.

My passport was laughably old; I got it in 8^th grade to take a spring break school trip to Paris and London. But still, the passport directions said that it could be used to provide proof of citizenship for a new one. I don’t necessarily need a passport to vote, but I figured, for one, you never know what new voter suppression wrinkle they’ll come up with next, so it’s best to be prepared. Also, we may want to go someplace exotic once Sweetpea finally retires from teaching. So why rush later when I can just go through the process with Sweetpea, at our leisure? She was on spring break last week, so it provided the perfect opportunity.

I could have used my official birth certificate copy, but the directions gave me pause. They said it had to look like “this,” showing a certificate-looking, generic document. My copy looks like a DMV application, not “certificate-like” at all. My dad obtained the copy in 1975 from the state of Pennsylvania, and that’s how they came. He needed it to get social security numbers assigned for his three kids, to present each of them with 10 shares of stock, as Christmas presents. The copy should have been enough, but I didn’t trust that it would, in this day and age of agencies adhering to every iota of a rule. Just to be safe, I applied online for a new copy. It still hasn’t arrived, so I don’t know what it will look like. I figured, if I end up needing it, I’d rather it already be on the way. But that was a $15 charge.

I looked up the government website that covered passports and found the form they require. There was nothing complicated about it, but it required that you supply the city and county in which your parents were born. I knew, but that could be a stumbling block for others. You could fill out the form online and then print it, so I did that, rather than risking a data mistake due to my atrocious handwriting, should I complete the form by hand.

I’d been in a drug store about a month ago and noted that they did passport pictures, so we went there for ours. They charged $16.99 per shot. I suppose we could have taken them ourselves, but it seemed to be an intricate process to make sure you were lined up correctly. I figured we’d leave it to the professionals. We don’t know what we don’t know.

Then, photos in hand, I went back to the computer and looked up where we could submit our applications. Our local post office was our best bet, so we set up an appointment for last Tuesday. I thought there would be some kind of back room they’d take you to for going over the paperwork, but they did it right there at the window. We also saw that they take passport photos as well, and we probably should have used them because theirs were only $15. Furthermore, we learned that the drug store missed that Sweetpea had her glasses pushed up on her head. Directions stated that no one may wear hats or glasses for their picture, and that includes glasses on the head. So we had to pop for another photo.

After chuckling about my junior high passport photo no longer resembling my old, grizzled ass, the clerk took in our documents and got us settled quickly. The charges were $35 for the Post Office fee and $130 for the passport fee. The $130 had to be cash or check, no credit cards. So the total for each of us was $181.99, plus the $15 for the extra photo and birth certificate, which brought it to $196. Can you say “poll tax?”

We were in a position to handle the cost, but do you think many people working for an hourly wage are going to cough that up for a passport they wouldn’t otherwise need, just to cast a vote? That’s the exact result expected by those who dreamed up the SAVE Act. It was designed to be a deterrent, so only the well-to-do (who traditionally skew conservative) would vote. It should have been called the SAVE our GOP Asses Act. And that’s not just me blowing smoke. Republicans are saying the same thing:

This is why it angers me so much, and why I keep beating this dead horse. The Republicans know that their true goals play very poorly with the average citizen, basically anyone who’s not filthy rich. That’s why they campaign by fearmongering on religious and social issues, which don’t cost them anything. They don’t have anything tangible to offer towards the economy or environment, to draw people in. They want to cut the programs millions of people rely on, like Social Security, Medicare, libraries, the postal service, FEMA, SNAP, WIC, etc. If it’s money going to common people, they want it cut. So they literally have nothing left to attract the people they’re financially harming; all they have left is rigging the voting system. They close election stations, reduce the number of voting machines, coerce Red states to gerrymander to pick up districts any way they can (thus triggering Blue states to do the same in response), limit early voting, curtail or eliminate mail-in ballots, and add onerous and expensive voter registration requirements.

They do all this so that rich people can get richer by rigging the tax system and business regulations, obtaining sweetheart government deals, and ensuring their grip never weakens. They don’t give a shit about you or anyone else. All we are to them is a resource to be exploited.

Let There Be Light

A lot went on last week. The Iran War dragged on, with various accounts of whether there was a win, talks were going on, talks were never going on, the “decimated” Iran air defenses were active enough to shoot down two of our jets, we successfully retrieved the pilots, the Attorney General was fired, and the president sent out a profane Easter message to all, with a shout out to Allah. Just another week in the life. But what’s really important is that I fixed something around the house. Now that I’m retired, I’m going to have to do a lot more of that.

My dad wasn’t much of a “fix-it” guy. He could do some basic stuff, but was never one of those toolbox and workshop types. So I never inherited the home repair gene. Granted, I’ve spent most of my adult life as an apartment dweller, so there wasn’t much I ever needed to do, aside from changing bulbs, hanging a few pictures, or hooking up TV cable and stereo equipment. I can also build the occasional piece of furniture from a kit, like end tables or dressers. I assembled our giant entertainment center some 30-odd years ago, which took me two days. But for stuff like plumbing, painting, or electrical, I always stand aside and let the professionals take over.

My oldest buddies are most definitely certified DIYers, but they live a couple of states away. They’re not much practical use, but I do get to regale them with my tales of Bluz the Incompetent Handyman. I should have probably kept my yap shut about it over the years, but I trade the teasing for the priceless look on their faces when I tell them of the latest thing I fucked up.

Like the time I was trying to hang curtain rods in a new apartment. I had just moved out after separating from my first wife, back in the late 90s. I borrowed her electric screwdriver and was desperately trying to sink a couple of screws into a window frame. The frame was soft pine, but no matter how hard I grunted and pressed, the screw would not bite. After about 20 minutes or so, I examined the electric screwdriver a little more closely and noticed it was set to retract, so no matter how hard I pressed, it wouldn’t sink because it was turning the wrong way. (D’oh!)

I didn’t set it that way, but my mistake was assuming that it was set correctly when the Ex gave it to me. Once I flipped the switch, I was done with the curtains in about ten minutes. I had to call my buddies that night to tell them the story; it was just too good to keep to myself.

Now, to the most recent endeavor, the on/off switch to the bathroom light broke Saturday night. We figured it should be a simple matter of buying a new switch and swapping it out. I was also keen to replace the electrical outlet beside it, which was still the original piece from when the house was built in 1959. It looked like this:

The problem was that it’s not wired for modern 3-prong plugs. And unfortunately, three-prong outlets are all we could find at the local hardware store. I was pretty sure I could handle swapping out the on/off switch, but I didn’t want to start messing around with more in-depth wiring issues, so we decided to table that part and just ride with the plugs as is, because they at least still work.

Now, I haven’t worked with electrical wiring since I was a junior high student, and built a hot dog cooker by banging two nails through a piece of wood, splitting a cord from an old iron, and wiring one side to each nail. (Put the hot dog on the nails, and the part between the nails will cook in a matter of seconds. Try that at your kid’s science fair!) So the fact that I was even attempting something like this was daunting. But I figured, I’d open up the panel, take a look around, and if it was any more than taking wires off one thing and putting them on another identical thing, I’d bail and call the experts. Otherwise, I’d take a shot.

So, the first order of business was to find the circuit breaker to shut off the power to the bathroom. That took a little trial and error because while our fuse box had labels for each breaker, none of them said “bathroom.” But we found it.

I swear, even though I KNEW there was no juice, it was still nerve-wracking poking around in there. I knew that any minute, I'd get a big shock and Sweetpea would be able to see my entire skeletal system. (OK, maybe I should have watched more YouTube tutorials and fewer cartoons.)

Ultimately, it looked like something I could handle. I only needed to disconnect the two black wires from the screws (on each side) and reattach them to a new switch capsule, then screw the whole unit back into the wall and replace the cover plate.

And that’s what I did. It took about 15 minutes in full. Sweetpea ran downstairs to turn the breaker back on, and when tested, both switches worked as they should.

Then it was time for celebration. We threw our hands up, and she said, “You have created light!”

I said, “Now bring me your finest meats and cheeses!”

With that, I reviewed my mental checklist for the event:

Replace the switch capsule          ☑

Don’t black out the house         ☑

Don’t start a fire                       ☑

Don’t electrocute yourself        ☑

Don’t fuck it up                         ☑

Meats and cheeses                         ☑