The Art of the Roast

Warning: I’m posting about Friars’ Roasts today and am including some of the graphically impolite jokes from prior roasts. Go no further if easily offended.

I’ve always loved the Friars’ Roasts, going all the way back to the Dean Martin roasts of the 70s. Granted, the ones we have today are far more “industrial strength” than Dino’s were, at least the parts that were aired on TV. I’m told that in person, they were just as filthy, but because they aired on network TV, the harsh parts never made it past network Standards and Practices, or government oversight.

Because the roasts are not aired on broadcast TV, the FCC has no say over content, so cable stations are free to broadcast whatever they think the marketplace will tolerate.

Director’s DVD Commentary: The FCC only has dominion over public airwaves because that is a public resource. Therefore, cable/streaming, because we choose to pay for them, is not affected.

The roasts are the last refuge of the completely Un-PC joke, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners comedy. It’s the kind of stuff my friends and I used to engage in amongst ourselves, although we were nowhere near as clever. Anything was fodder for jokes back then. The bigger the taboo, the bigger the laugh.

So, if you choose to watch a roast, you should know what you’re in for. If one is squeamish about hearing jokes about sex, race, religion, divorces, family tragedies, medical issues, cosmetic surgeries, and politics, often in X-rated language, don’t tune in. (Same for this post. See warning above.)

Further, if you are famous and contemplating participating in such a roast, you can expect to have your life’s most embarrassing moments mocked and thrown in your face, and it will be brutal. If you can’t handle that, don’t go. And that’s not just the “honoree.” All the roasters get roasted as well. You shouldn’t sling it if you can’t take the returned fire.

You wouldn’t have thought so, but our famously thin-skinned president was once the “honoree” of such a roast. I heard that he told the network that the comics could rip him about any subject, including the perception that he wants to fuck his oldest daughter, just as long as no one intimated that he wasn’t as rich as he claimed (at the time). That told me that he definitely wasn’t as rich as he claimed, at least not until he found his life’s greatest grifting opportunity in the Oval Office.

Anyway, I’ve been watching the roasts forever, because I know that I’ll spend 2-3 hours laughing my face off. For the last 30 or so years, they’ve done one roast per year, usually airing on Comedy Central. Last year, they put the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. And last Saturday, they aired the roast of comic Kevin Hart, broadcast live, which I watched. It can now be called up on Netflix anytime. I presume it’s been edited since the initial broadcast. Running two hours and fifty minutes, I’m sure they can find at least 20 minutes to cut, to tighten it all up. Not every remark was gold.

How was it? Not bad. I got a lot of genuine belly laughs, but not as many as I have in the past. I think the panel of roasters was a little too uneven. Too many little-known friends and not enough seasoned comedians. Although the “surprise” appearance by The Rock was entertaining. Those two guys together are always a riot.

Mainstay Jeff Ross was there, but surprised me by being the first roaster. As a roasting legend, they usually put him on later. He still killed, but looked pretty bad (even for him.) Apparently, he recently survived cancer, so the treatments must have taken a toll. But even at his best, comic Lisa Lampanelli once roasted him by saying, “Jeff, looking at you reminds me that I need to shave my taint.”

Chelsea Handler provided the first joke I saw bubble up on my news feed this morning. She was targeting Hart and comedian Tony Hinchcliffe, who is best known for performing at a Trump rally and insulting Puerto Rico by calling it a “floating island of garbage.” Both had recently performed at a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia.

Chelsea killed with her segment. I guess she was the hot blonde comic in place of Nikki Glaser, whose career went nuclear last year after her set on the Tom Brady roast.

Every time I watch a roast, I can’t help but miss comic Greg Giraldo, who was a roasting mainstay until his passing in 2010. (Man, I had no idea that was 26 years ago. I was going to guess around 10 before I looked it up.) This guy never failed to slay me. On the roast of Joan Rivers, referring to her many cosmetic surgeries, he told her, “You look like if Steven Tyler fucked a life raft.”

To Bob Saget, he once said, “You’re an 'artist' the way Cloris Leachman is 'moist'.” (Cloris was on the dais.)

To redneck comedian, Jeff Foxworthy, he said, “You look like a guy Tonya Harding would fuck in a '78 Nova.”

To rapper Flava Flav, he said, “You look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape.”

My favorite of his was to very large (and now deceased) comic Ralphie May, “You’re the only guy in America who goes to a porno movie and cums when the guy shows up with the pizza.”

At the roast of Rob Lowe, David Spade killed me with this comment on a large-craniumed NFL quarterback who was on the dais, “Peyton Manning is the only one who’s been given more head than Rob Lowe.”

Later, Rob Lowe piled on, “Peyton is here to tell Zika babies, 'It could be much worse.'”

Pete Davidson was there last night, which reminded me of this comment of his to Martha Stewart, during the roast of Justin Bieber: “Martha, you’re so old your first period was The Renaissance.”

He also had this one that killed me, regarding host Kevin Hart and roaster Shaquille O’Neal, “It’s great to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s dick… Shaq, thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels as Super Mario.”

Also at the Bieber roast, comedian Natasha Legero told him, “Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. That makes her the unluckiest Selena in show biz.”

Same roast, rapper Ludacris said to a fellow rapper, “Snoop, there are not a lot of Black billionaires, just Dr. Dre, and the guy who sells you weed.”

I could go on all day but I’d better wrap this up, so here’s one of the best digs I ever heard, which came from comic Anthony Jeselnik while roasting Charlie Sheen, ”Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law and Order SVU.”

Good night, and tip your waitresses.

 

Director’s DVD Commentary: Lest you think I memorized all those quotes, or spent the day looking them up, I didn’t. One of the notes I keep on my Notes phone app is a list of favorite roast quotes, collected over the years of watching them. I often open it up whenever I need a quick giggle. And yeah, as you probably suspect, the only reason I posted on roasts today was to use some of the quotes. 

Odd Bits - The Germ-Ridden Edition

Last week’s post about fake assassination attempts ran longer than I initially intended, so I omitted some other news events I wanted to cover. I’ll address them today.

One Flu Over the Sniper’s Nest

SecDef Whiskey Pete removed the requirement that all troops receive flu shots, making them optional. I’m wondering if this is a new war strategy. Given his lack of safety precautions for the various bases in the Middle East, which have been left exposed and have taken heavy damage, he may be counting on some of his guys getting captured. His hope could be that rather than intel, they’ll give the enemy the flu. Or at least get gross bodily fluids all over enemy camps.

He says it’s about the principle that one can’t force a man to do things to his body against his will. And the “a man” part is a telling factor because these MAGA goons certainly don’t recognize the bodily autonomy of a woman. This is just more evidence that the new Conservatives consider women to be second-class citizens/property. Only men’s rights are worth fighting for. More on this in a bit.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Double Standard

The state of Virginia voted to approve a new Democratic-skewed congressional map, which was immediately nullified by a Republican judge. Shortly after, the Supreme Court voted to allow racial and any other kind of gerrymandering, as long as the developers of the map don’t explicitly state that they want to screw the minorities. As with most Republican legal positions, they want it to be legal when they do it but illegal when anyone else does.

Now, I’m in favor of eliminating gerrymandering of all kinds. I think there should be a bipartisan commission in each state that draws fair and representative districts. BUT, as long as the Republicans are cooking the books in Texas, Florida, Indiana, Missouri, and the other Red States, I think the Democrats need to do the same. Standing on principle is pointless if you’re the only ones doing it. I refuse to take the noble stand while the opposition flouts the rules of decency and amasses enough power to retain it for generations. We can already see that their goal is to create a rich, white, male utopia at the expense of everyone else. They’re not even hiding it any longer. We need to avail ourselves of every tactic there is to seek a more even playing field. Otherwise, our vaunted Democratic Republic will disappear in a swirl of grift, racism, and religious fervor.

Texas Tea-ching

The state of Texas has been cleared to require the posting of the Ten Commandments in every classroom, breaking many decades' worth of precedent separating church and state. “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…” That sounds pretty clear to me, and requiring the posting of religious tenets of one religion is obviously in violation.

If I were a teacher in Texas, I’d find a way to add the tenets of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Pastafarianism to my classroom wall décor.

To me, the best take on the Ten Commandments came from legendary comedian George Carlin, who, using logic and common sense, whittled the Ten Commandments down to two:

·         Thou shalt be honest and faithful…

·         Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anybody.

I was going to embed the video, but it no longer seems to be on YouTube in its entirety.

SNAP Crappola and Pop

The GOP is trying to work up more requirements on what one’s meager SNAP benefits can be used to purchase. The latest attempts would eliminate, among other things, soda and rotisserie chicken. Republicans won’t be happy until all that poor people can get from the government is a thin gruel, preferably after waiting in a blocks-long line. To them, if you’re poor, it’s your fault, and this is all you deserve.

I’m looking for the next proposal, where someone creates a poor-folks’ MRE, like the military’s “Meals Ready to Eat.” Then the government could pass out boxes of these pre-approved rations and be sure they couldn’t possibly be enjoyed. Obviously, they will be produced by whichever giant agri-business greases the right politicians. Mark my words, it’s coming.

United States Male Service

A federal court has upheld Louisiana’s ban on receiving the abortion pill by mail, which will somehow affect the rest of the country. It is a major piece in the GOP agenda to keep women pregnant and under male control. See, much like mail-in voting, by eliminating the mailing of the abortion pill, women have to go to places that provide such services. That’s where the Republican suppression techniques kick in. They can harass people coming and going, legislate against such places via zoning restrictions or other capricious legal maneuvers, or continue the effort to ban specific drugs and procedures. It’s another way for a small portion of Americans to impose their religious inclinations on the rest of the country, regardless of anyone else’s moral or ethical code. It’s the Republican mantra: agree with me, or you’re not a “real” American.

Passport Trolling

When I read that the president is pasting his scowling puss onto American passports this summer, I was overjoyed that I already applied. In fact, my new passport came last Friday, sans the mug of the Orange Troll. That’s the last thing I’d want to flash around in various international ports. Talk about making yourself a more obvious target. There should be an option where on the first page it says, “Please don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him.”

Despite all the warnings that this would take a good bit of time, I received my passport roughly three weeks after I applied. Now I’m just waiting for them to return my old junior high school passport.

Funny thing though… Sunday morning, I received a status update email from the government, saying they just mailed my passport and I’d receive it on Tuesday, the passport I’d already received two days earlier. Just goes to show, this Administration can’t even succeed without looking like a screw-up.

Déjà Vu

Here we are again, days after another “attempt” on the president’s life. At least that’s what’s being uncritically reported in the mass media. Now, before we get to this weekend’s event at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, let me state this clearly.

The Butler “shooting” was staged. I believe that down to my toes. While there is no smoking gun, there is strong circumstantial evidence. And I bet there would BE a smoking gun if there had been a proper investigation. This one seems to have stopped with, “The shooter is dead.” Here is some of the most compelling evidence:

You could also add that the blood pattern didn’t match the promoted scenario. There would have been blood flowing back from the presidential ear (which would have a piece missing, given the weapon used), not coming from the mouth, where a blood capsule was likely popped. The president used to attend and participate in professional wrestling events, remember?

And to add to the item about the guided photo op and moving the flag into the background, given the general incompetence of this Administration, I find it impossible to believe that those things happened on the fly, as opposed to being mapped out from the onset. There were way too many moving parts for that to have happened so quickly in the middle of an active-shooter emergency, without advanced planning. These guys can’t even clear a small area in a park for the president to hold up a bible without stepping on their own dicks.

Perhaps, one day, when there is new leadership at the Justice Department, a proper investigation will be done, and we will learn that this thing was 100%:

So, with the Butler event already in the books, you’d wouldn’t think they’d tempt fate and try again, but here we are. It could be that they used the first incident as a learning opportunity for the second. This time, they used a guy whose social media indicated that he was no fan of the president, so they could more easily blame Democrats. OK, the guy was an Independent, but it’s the same difference to MAGA. Either you’re with them, or you’re the enemy.

They also made sure to shoot someone wearing a bulletproof vest, to avert murder charges once the charade eventually unravels (with the next Administration).

There were several “tells” that indicate this was another staged incident.

·         The Vice President was cleared out first.

·         The president and his entourage remained close by the site. The protocol would be to move them to the White House or other fortified location.

·         The President and his minions maintained a happy and jovial demeanor following the attack, as if it were nothing but a waiter dropping a tray of dishes.

·         Security was laughably lax, considering what’s going on in the world. Hotel or not, that place should have been buttoned down, and all guests checked out. An organization like the Secret Service routinely closes down whole blocks if the president is passing through. There’s no way some schmo gets through with knives and disassembled rifles by accident.

·         The president spoke from prepared and polished notes within an hour of the shooting and followed the notes without going off the cuff, as he customarily does. Presidential remarks don’t just tumble out in acceptable form in minutes. There’s no way these notes were made without advance warning.

·         Within minutes, all the MAGA players were tweeting the same talking point, that this proved the need for TFG’s new ballroom.

All of these people on the MAGA grapevine had this item in the chamber, ready to go.

So, maybe all this was just the Administration “falling up a hill” again and landing on their feet. But there’s never been any official incident, activity, or effort that indicates these people should be given the benefit of the doubt. Just about every worst-case scenario proposed by us liberal alarmists has come to pass, or is on the brink of doing so. They, more than anyone, need to offer proof. The “word” of this administration is not sufficient to convince me that gravity is real, let alone that this doofus has survived three actual assassination attempts.

The thing I’d really like to know is where they would get the faux-assailants? Is there some kind of personals ad section in the back of Soldier of Fortune where one can hook up with some clown who wants to be famous and doesn’t mind getting shot in the process?

I bet the Russians would be a big help in staging ruses like these. They know how to play the long game. They’d provide advice on how to keep an asset in place for years, building up their backstory, before finally initiating the big plan.

Sadly, we will never know, because this Justice Department is uninterested in anything but filing charges against the president’s perceived enemies. It’ll take a change of regime before we learn anything of use. Just like they will never EVER use the Epstein files to prosecute anyone associated with Republican politics, we will never get to the truth behind these so-called attacks until those in charge now are gone.

Again, I don’t have any smoking guns; this is just one dude’s opinion. I’m just sayin’ what I’m seein’.

Update:

Mom

I lost my mother last September. She was 86. She was also a teacher, poet, and whiskey drinker.

When I lost my dad, back in September of 2021, it was a much different situation. He was hit by a stroke, out of the blue, and then he was gone. He was almost 83, and I was sure he’d be around well into his 90s because he had been in great shape.

Mom had a much tougher path. She’d taken a couple of falls since Dad passed, and they really messed her up. By the end, she was in chronic pain and had to be heavily medicated. She spent her last two months with home hospice care, dependent on others to get to the bathroom and move from chair to bed. It was an undignified life, and she hated that; hated being a bother to anyone. So when she passed, it was really a blessing because her suffering was over.

So now my brother, sister, and I are 60-year-old orphans.

I can’t complain because we’ve had a good run. So many people lose one or more parents early in life, so we made out. I hope my retirement is half as good as theirs was. But still, over the last several months, things would happen in my life, and I’d itch to tell Mom about them, and it would come back to me that she was gone, leaving me nothing to do with my news. She loved to hear stories about the latest thing the dog did, or how our kitchen renovation was going. I guess I never outgrew the phase where I want to tell my parents about something I did and get their approval.

Anyway, we had her Celebration of Life last Saturday, and a slew of relatives came to Baltimore from Pittsburgh, California, and North Carolina, to enjoy lunch, some drinks, and tell some stories and remembrances about Mom.

2016

This was my presentation:

Once upon a time, a traveling entertainer was on the road and came across a beautiful kingdom. He asked the first person he saw to direct him to the palace, so he could request an audience with the king and ask about landing a performing gig there.

Eventually, he was shown to an ornate chamber where the king and queen sat high on their thrones. Brought before the royal couple, he realized that the spotty road food he’d eaten earlier had left him uncontrollably gassy, and he loudly passed some of it before he could even begin.

The king was greatly offended and thundered, “How dare you fart before my queen?”

To which, the entertainer replied, “I’m sorry, Your Grace, I didn’t know it was her turn!”

 

That was one of the first jokes my mom ever taught me. She knew that potty jokes always landed with grade-school boys. So she provided me enough material to kill on the playground for years to come. That was helpful because when you’re always the new kid and you’re not the biggest or toughest, it’s good to be funny. She also inspired in me a love of wordplay, which I’ve used to torment my friends and family ever since.

I’ve always said that I’m a combination of both my parents. Some things I got from Dad were the need for things to make sense and call Bullshit when it doesn’t, the will to mess with people just for fun, and an enhanced sense of practicality.

From Mom, I inherited much different set of personality traits.

The first was a need to create via writing. I never had Mom’s gift for poetry, but I picked up journaling from her, which fed my need to chronicle and catalog everything in my life, like a born scorekeeper. Like, it’s not worth doing if you can’t record it and tell someone about it later.

And with writing came her family’s knack for storytelling. Her father and brother were two of the masters, and Mom carried on the tradition, regaling us with the family stories from her childhood and on. Modern life doesn’t provide us with as many one-on-one storytelling opportunities as it used to, so I turned to writing and eventually blogging to tell my stories.

Mom was my first editor, from book reports to research papers, and all I ever wanted to hear was, “That’s fine, turn it in as is.”

Now, I never, EVER, heard that. And remember that all of this was back before the internet or even onscreen word processing. I had to use a manual typewriter, and it wasn’t until college that I got to use a fancy electric one. So, anything more than a small misspelling meant that I’d have to type the whole damned thing over again. Sometimes we’d go round and round about a correction. It took a while before I realized that she was always right about those things, and it would have been easier on me if I had just gotten started on the retyping.

I remember once I mailed Mom a short story I’d written up, and that Sunday when I called for feedback, Dad answered the phone. I asked where Mom was, and he told me she was out, shopping for more red pens.

That was probably just Dad messing with me, but I couldn’t be certain.

Another gift from Mom was that of political activism, idealism, and the pursuit of social justice. I learned empathy from her and to try to leave the world better than I found it. Again, that’s another thing that surfaced in my more recent writing. Mom was my biggest fan and usually the first commenter, right up until she could no longer use an iPad.

Sometimes, still, in these last few months, I’d do up an essay and think, “Mom will really like this one… oh yeah...shit.”

Not only was she our mom, but she often acted as a backup, auxiliary Mom to the rest of the Neighborhood. All of my closest friends knew that when they were having troubles at home, they could come by for some comfort and a hot meal. Especially on Friday nights, when everyone knew they could find a crock pot full of mac n cheese. That was Mom’s specialty. My buddies would go on about its savory qualities, describing everything from the aroma to the ~pfffft~ sound it made when you broke the top layer.

And then there were the Morning-After-Barn-Party detox sessions. I’d crawl down from my room and survey all the human wreckage sitting around the kitchen table… blankets around their shoulders, hair all messed up, and Mom plying them with coffee and hot homemade cinnamon rolls. We’d reconstruct the night by playing another game of I Did What? Mom would just be over there shaking her head in exasperation.

Sadly, the Crock Pot Mac n Cheese came to an end during the time Mom was staying with us. Mom was always saying, “What can I do? What can I do?” Mostly it was just “Get out of the way, get out of the way,” but sometimes Sweetpea would ask her to make a batch of mac n cheese, which Mom was only too happy to do.

Then one night, as I dug into a big helping, it tasted a bit off. I couldn’t quite place the ingredient, so I tried some more. Still not right. Then Sweetpea took a bite, scrunched up her face, and asked Mom, “What did you put in this?”

Mom said, “Just some olive oil,” and pointed to the bottle of dish soap on the counter.

Meanwhile, I was still poking around my plate, trying to find a place that didn’t have as much soap in it. I just couldn’t stand having to dump the whole batch, but it had to be done. And that’s when we figured it was time to retire Mom’s wooden spoon, which as my brother and I fully remember, she could wield like a ninja when we needed our foolishness to end.

At my parents’ 50^th anniversary event, Dad explained that there were two reasons they’d been married for so long. For one, he traveled a lot. And the other was that he married an angel. When it was Mom’s turn she stood and said, “Everything he said is true,” then sat back down.

I think she might well have been an angel, or at least as close as we humans get. We're fortunate that we’ve been able to stand in her light as long as we have. I know we’re all better people for having had her in our lives. May her spirit live on through us.

2013

Doing the Passport Boogie

The thing to remember about the SAVE Act is that it’s not tied to the current president. This was something dreamed up in Project 2025, meaning it comes from the Heritage Foundation, the architects of Republican plans and strategy. So even if it doesn’t pass soon, in its current form, we may well see it surface again.

With that in mind, Sweetpea and I took steps last week to obtain passports, which seem to be the silver bullet to getting registered to vote. Both of us have expired passports. Hers is recent, but not recent enough to just get it renewed. Plus, she underwent a name change when we got married, meaning if the SAVE Act ever goes through, she’d be affected by the new registration requirements.

My passport was laughably old; I got it in 8^th grade to take a spring break school trip to Paris and London. But still, the passport directions said that it could be used to provide proof of citizenship for a new one. I don’t necessarily need a passport to vote, but I figured, for one, you never know what new voter suppression wrinkle they’ll come up with next, so it’s best to be prepared. Also, we may want to go someplace exotic once Sweetpea finally retires from teaching. So why rush later when I can just go through the process with Sweetpea, at our leisure? She was on spring break last week, so it provided the perfect opportunity.

I could have used my official birth certificate copy, but the directions gave me pause. They said it had to look like “this,” showing a certificate-looking, generic document. My copy looks like a DMV application, not “certificate-like” at all. My dad obtained the copy in 1975 from the state of Pennsylvania, and that’s how they came. He needed it to get social security numbers assigned for his three kids, to present each of them with 10 shares of stock, as Christmas presents. The copy should have been enough, but I didn’t trust that it would, in this day and age of agencies adhering to every iota of a rule. Just to be safe, I applied online for a new copy. It still hasn’t arrived, so I don’t know what it will look like. I figured, if I end up needing it, I’d rather it already be on the way. But that was a $15 charge.

I looked up the government website that covered passports and found the form they require. There was nothing complicated about it, but it required that you supply the city and county in which your parents were born. I knew, but that could be a stumbling block for others. You could fill out the form online and then print it, so I did that, rather than risking a data mistake due to my atrocious handwriting, should I complete the form by hand.

I’d been in a drug store about a month ago and noted that they did passport pictures, so we went there for ours. They charged $16.99 per shot. I suppose we could have taken them ourselves, but it seemed to be an intricate process to make sure you were lined up correctly. I figured we’d leave it to the professionals. We don’t know what we don’t know.

Then, photos in hand, I went back to the computer and looked up where we could submit our applications. Our local post office was our best bet, so we set up an appointment for last Tuesday. I thought there would be some kind of back room they’d take you to for going over the paperwork, but they did it right there at the window. We also saw that they take passport photos as well, and we probably should have used them because theirs were only $15. Furthermore, we learned that the drug store missed that Sweetpea had her glasses pushed up on her head. Directions stated that no one may wear hats or glasses for their picture, and that includes glasses on the head. So we had to pop for another photo.

After chuckling about my junior high passport photo no longer resembling my old, grizzled ass, the clerk took in our documents and got us settled quickly. The charges were $35 for the Post Office fee and $130 for the passport fee. The $130 had to be cash or check, no credit cards. So the total for each of us was $181.99, plus the $15 for the extra photo and birth certificate, which brought it to $196. Can you say “poll tax?”

We were in a position to handle the cost, but do you think many people working for an hourly wage are going to cough that up for a passport they wouldn’t otherwise need, just to cast a vote? That’s the exact result expected by those who dreamed up the SAVE Act. It was designed to be a deterrent, so only the well-to-do (who traditionally skew conservative) would vote. It should have been called the SAVE our GOP Asses Act. And that’s not just me blowing smoke. Republicans are saying the same thing:

This is why it angers me so much, and why I keep beating this dead horse. The Republicans know that their true goals play very poorly with the average citizen, basically anyone who’s not filthy rich. That’s why they campaign by fearmongering on religious and social issues, which don’t cost them anything. They don’t have anything tangible to offer towards the economy or environment, to draw people in. They want to cut the programs millions of people rely on, like Social Security, Medicare, libraries, the postal service, FEMA, SNAP, WIC, etc. If it’s money going to common people, they want it cut. So they literally have nothing left to attract the people they’re financially harming; all they have left is rigging the voting system. They close election stations, reduce the number of voting machines, coerce Red states to gerrymander to pick up districts any way they can (thus triggering Blue states to do the same in response), limit early voting, curtail or eliminate mail-in ballots, and add onerous and expensive voter registration requirements.

They do all this so that rich people can get richer by rigging the tax system and business regulations, obtaining sweetheart government deals, and ensuring their grip never weakens. They don’t give a shit about you or anyone else. All we are to them is a resource to be exploited.

Let There Be Light

A lot went on last week. The Iran War dragged on, with various accounts of whether there was a win, talks were going on, talks were never going on, the “decimated” Iran air defenses were active enough to shoot down two of our jets, we successfully retrieved the pilots, the Attorney General was fired, and the president sent out a profane Easter message to all, with a shout out to Allah. Just another week in the life. But what’s really important is that I fixed something around the house. Now that I’m retired, I’m going to have to do a lot more of that.

My dad wasn’t much of a “fix-it” guy. He could do some basic stuff, but was never one of those toolbox and workshop types. So I never inherited the home repair gene. Granted, I’ve spent most of my adult life as an apartment dweller, so there wasn’t much I ever needed to do, aside from changing bulbs, hanging a few pictures, or hooking up TV cable and stereo equipment. I can also build the occasional piece of furniture from a kit, like end tables or dressers. I assembled our giant entertainment center some 30-odd years ago, which took me two days. But for stuff like plumbing, painting, or electrical, I always stand aside and let the professionals take over.

My oldest buddies are most definitely certified DIYers, but they live a couple of states away. They’re not much practical use, but I do get to regale them with my tales of Bluz the Incompetent Handyman. I should have probably kept my yap shut about it over the years, but I trade the teasing for the priceless look on their faces when I tell them of the latest thing I fucked up.

Like the time I was trying to hang curtain rods in a new apartment. I had just moved out after separating from my first wife, back in the late 90s. I borrowed her electric screwdriver and was desperately trying to sink a couple of screws into a window frame. The frame was soft pine, but no matter how hard I grunted and pressed, the screw would not bite. After about 20 minutes or so, I examined the electric screwdriver a little more closely and noticed it was set to retract, so no matter how hard I pressed, it wouldn’t sink because it was turning the wrong way. (D’oh!)

I didn’t set it that way, but my mistake was assuming that it was set correctly when the Ex gave it to me. Once I flipped the switch, I was done with the curtains in about ten minutes. I had to call my buddies that night to tell them the story; it was just too good to keep to myself.

Now, to the most recent endeavor, the on/off switch to the bathroom light broke Saturday night. We figured it should be a simple matter of buying a new switch and swapping it out. I was also keen to replace the electrical outlet beside it, which was still the original piece from when the house was built in 1959. It looked like this:

The problem was that it’s not wired for modern 3-prong plugs. And unfortunately, three-prong outlets are all we could find at the local hardware store. I was pretty sure I could handle swapping out the on/off switch, but I didn’t want to start messing around with more in-depth wiring issues, so we decided to table that part and just ride with the plugs as is, because they at least still work.

Now, I haven’t worked with electrical wiring since I was a junior high student, and built a hot dog cooker by banging two nails through a piece of wood, splitting a cord from an old iron, and wiring one side to each nail. (Put the hot dog on the nails, and the part between the nails will cook in a matter of seconds. Try that at your kid’s science fair!) So the fact that I was even attempting something like this was daunting. But I figured, I’d open up the panel, take a look around, and if it was any more than taking wires off one thing and putting them on another identical thing, I’d bail and call the experts. Otherwise, I’d take a shot.

So, the first order of business was to find the circuit breaker to shut off the power to the bathroom. That took a little trial and error because while our fuse box had labels for each breaker, none of them said “bathroom.” But we found it.

I swear, even though I KNEW there was no juice, it was still nerve-wracking poking around in there. I knew that any minute, I'd get a big shock and Sweetpea would be able to see my entire skeletal system. (OK, maybe I should have watched more YouTube tutorials and fewer cartoons.)

Ultimately, it looked like something I could handle. I only needed to disconnect the two black wires from the screws (on each side) and reattach them to a new switch capsule, then screw the whole unit back into the wall and replace the cover plate.

And that’s what I did. It took about 15 minutes in full. Sweetpea ran downstairs to turn the breaker back on, and when tested, both switches worked as they should.

Then it was time for celebration. We threw our hands up, and she said, “You have created light!”

I said, “Now bring me your finest meats and cheeses!”

With that, I reviewed my mental checklist for the event:

Replace the switch capsule          ☑

Don’t black out the house         ☑

Don’t start a fire                       ☑

Don’t electrocute yourself        ☑

Don’t fuck it up                         ☑

Meats and cheeses                         ☑

 

Odd Bits - The Housekeeping Edition

As we did in October, the wife and I attended our neighborhood’s little No Kings protest on Saturday. Last time, it drew about 70 people at its peak. This time, it was about half that. I attribute that to the fact that it was about 40 degrees out with a brisk wind, rather than a lack of enthusiasm on the part of the locals. I was kicking myself because I stood in front of our closet for ten seconds, wondering whether I should bring gloves or not. Within five minutes of being out there holding a sign in that wind, I knew I had chosen poorly.

The cars were honking enthusiastically at the signs, which ran along the same general lines as they did in October, only with a few added pleas for peace. Sweetpea and I reused the same array of signs we made before. My favorite signing came from a protest I saw online (I failed to note where):

Now, “Over The Rainbow” would be a bit of Commie Leftist propaganda rather than a timeless classic.

From the Department of “I Totally Called That”

Over the weekend, TFG mentioned that they are building a large military complex under the new East Wing.

Yeah, no kidding. I pegged that in October:

“Since he was having it all rebuilt from scratch, I figured there would have to be some secret 'special rooms,' something he’d need to be off the books. Something like a protective bunker, something built with today’s best tech, where he could hide out indefinitely, all the while being able to surveil his domain and keep track of what’s being shown on TV. Maybe even have a studio in there from where he could get himself onto Fox and Friends. He could install a special safe to hold the Epstein files that only he could access. And, of course, his own McDonald's.”

Now he’ll have a place that, if his voter-suppression tactics and outright denial of results don’t work, he has a burrow from which someone will have to pry him, like a rabid badger down a hole. I’d recommend one of our famous bunker-busting bombs, if we have any left. Come to think of it, I bet he’ll make sure we’ve used them all up, maybe blowing up some “underground South American druglord fortresses” in October of 2028.

Never forget that the presidency is the only thing keeping him out of jail, and his loyalist Justice Department is doing the same for his family, cronies, and Cabinet. He has zero motivation to leave peacefully, and we need to expect as much. There is no line he won’t cross to keep this gravy train rolling. I bet there will be a helipad within waddling distance, too, so if he must flee, he can get airborne quickly, to shuttle off to Russia, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, or some other friendly dictatorship that offers him quarter.

Paper Chase, Cont’

Just to let you know how it turned out with my newspaper subscription, from last week’s post, the situation has been resolved, temporarily.

I called last Tuesday afternoon, and after fighting through a voicemail system that definitely did NOT want anyone speaking to a human, I finally reached an East Asian call center and got my discount reinstated to $159/month. That works out to $5.12 per paper, as opposed to $6.80, undiscounted, which is still crazy but less insane. Cover price is $4.00... I remember paying anywhere from a quarter to a dollar on the street downtown, on days my paper wasn't delivered before I left for work.

I expect I'll have to do this every six months from now on until I die or tell them to screw it and go to weekends only.

Like I said, I mainly keep the paper for the comics and puzzles. I know there are alternatives, but I have my reasons for still wanting the paper. Getting a paper is really an ingrained habit. My parents always got a daily paper or two, so I grew up with it. I’ve had a paper delivered for my entire adult life, save for the 4 years I spent in a particular apartment complex that didn't allow indoor delivery (mid to late 80s).

I've tried doing crosswords online, but I just don't like it. And printing them from online would also cost me a fortune (in paper and toner). I like the daily routine of doing my puzzles during lunch (away from my computer desk) or weekend breakfasts. Sweetpea and I both do them. I do the Baltimore Sun puzzle (which is actually the syndicated LA Times puzzle), the NY Times, the Jumble, and the Sudoku.
I've been doing the puzzles at lunch continuously since 2010, and even started a results-tracking sheet in 2016. Yes, really. I used to keep track on my desk calendar, but started a spreadsheet in 2016 to look for the longest streaks and other personal records.

Someone got me a crossword puzzle book about 15 years ago, and I couldn't use it. It was a book of NY Times puzzles, but they were from the early 1970s. I couldn't complete a single one... it was like they were from another planet.

I like that the puzzles are up to date, always changing, and keep me sharp. Or at least, make me a fountain of useless trivia.

Also, this is Baltimore, and I married a native. We need newspapers to line the tables on blue crab night.

By the way, the paper never mentioned anything about local No Kings protests, including only an article about the big one in Minnesota and all the star power that appeared there. And they didn’t cover much about Speaker Johnson killing a vote on funding DHS and the TSA before sending everyone home on vacation. So remember that when you see the next troll blaming the Dems for long airport lines.

 

Paying Them to Mislead Us

I just got my bill for my daily newspaper, and it seems they removed the discount for which I bargained with them last fall. They did say that it was a six-month deal, but I was hoping they’d forget. They charge $215 a month now for home delivery, which I find to be insane. When I started with the paper, it was about $35. I’ve got to call into the circulation department tomorrow and get my “haggle” on.

I swear, if it wasn’t for the comics and puzzles, I’d chuck it all. I get my significant news online, so I don’t really need that. The paper does keep me up on what’s going on locally, though, and lets me keep track on how the rich are attacking city and state government (both of which are run by the Dems). And due to a press time of around 6-7 PM, most important stories are a day late. Forget about sports game coverage, it’s always from two days prior. Their hockey coverage is abysmal. Last week, they used the previous day’s game results grid, so even two days later, there was still no information.

The problems started when the paper, the Baltimore Sun, was bought by the owner of the conservative news outlet, Sinclair Broadcasting. Now, instead of a reliable stable of in-house reporters, most news articles are farmed out to Sinclair national desks, and often run transcripts of what their Fox “News” affiliates ran on-air.

The old paper definitely had a liberal leaning, reflecting the prevailing views of Marylanders, but they kept it to the Op-Ed pages. The current version splashes its bias across every page, and it is especially obvious if you know how to spot it. Here’s one from last Friday:

With all the ways TFG, his family, and minions have been skimming money from the Federal till, they’re still carrying on about Hunter freakin’ Biden. They rarely even mention all the ways the president is raking in illegal dollars from overseas governments and influencers, let alone outright theft from other countries.

Also note that it comes down to “the whistleblowers say they’ve been vindicated.” Right. Trump said he was vindicated by the Mueller Report, too, remember? (Obviously, TFG doesn’t really remember it that way or he’d have provided a more gracious condolence than he did.) Nowhere else in the article does it say that anyone in authority has “vindicated” anyone. This is a nothing-burger article, meant to reflect negative attention onto Democrats at a time when the president is swimming in bad news and controversy.

They’ve been working hard at that, as evidenced by this article:

My take is that they got some bad polling news, showing that people were unhappy with Republicans on the war, the Epstein Files, the price of gas and groceries, the tanking stock market, etc. But the Sinclair National Desk couldn’t just run the story; they had to drag the Dems along, too. So the article is more about the classic “Dems in disarray” story than about how people are souring on Republicans. And notice how at the end, they talk about “threats against lawmakers and their families,” but they don’t mention where 99% of those threats come from.

Here’s another assassination by headline regarding the funding of the DHS:

They make it plain that those Commie Democrats are holding up funding for the DHS, but never mention that they’ve introduced seven (as of now) bills to pay the TSA agents and all department workers except for ICE, which they will pay if they agree to obey the same laws that local police do. Republicans voted no and killed the bill every time. They’d rather continue the illegal war on brown people than pay workers whose job actions are perfectly above board and not in question, essentially holding them hostage until ICE gets to keep free rein to kidnap anyone with an accent and send them off to detention camps unknown. Also note that female minors in custody are coming up pregnant, which they were not before entering custody. Perhaps this is another reason Republicans are fighting birthright citizenship.

None of that is in the article, just the skewed look at Dems holding up the works and Republicans excoriating them for it, taken from interviews that ran on Hannity.

Adding to their penchant for guiding readers to conclusions while omitting essential facts, we have this one from last month:

Yes, those stupid, socialist, Democrat, commie, liberals want ID from people just to shovel snow! Haw haw haw, they’re so dum!

But one simple line nullifies the whole perception.

The snow shoveling was a paying job with the city. Therefore, if people want to be paid, they must provide documentation! Do you remember all the documentation Republicans insist we provide to prospective employers, to show we’re not illegal aliens? That’s what they’re ridiculing. In actuality, the whole snow shoveling thing worked like a charm. The sidewalks and streets were cleared in a day, and people got paid for doing it. Running an article like this goes against every journalistic principle. It does, though, fit right in with being a shill.

And speaking of unforgivable newspaper sins, wouldn’t you think the paper might have kept an editor or two? JFC, how incompetent does one have to be to include a typo in a headline? Doesn’t anyone over there read?

Lastly, and this has nothing to do with the fast-fading newspaper industry, have you seen the design for the new 250-Year Anniversary coin, bearing the stern visage of our malevolent president?

Anyone alive and going to the movies in the early 80s remembers this famous pose. I think somebody owes Steve McCroskey a percentage.

Looks like he picked the wrong week to quit smokin’.

 

The SAVE Act is a Threat to Democracy

Thankfully, word is that the heinous, disenfranchising, election-rigging SAVE Act is unlikely to pass the Senate. Not for lack of trying, though. Not only has TFG been furiously jumping up and down on levers of power, trying to move Congress to nuke the filibuster to get this thing passed, but the PR game has been ramped up. I’ve seen several memes hitting Facebook via my conservative friends and their Conservative Media Bubble talking points, claiming that A) it’s just a voter ID, and B) it’s no big deal to obtain the required documents. Funny how it’s always “no big deal” for someone ELSE to jump through hoops.

Naturally, they omit the vast problems with this bill, like the time and cost involved in the not-so-simple task of tracking down and obtaining long-lost documents or replacing ones that are no longer acceptable.

The part about how a married woman’s birth certificate is no longer acceptable is particularly insidious. That’s a huge swath of Americans who immediately become disenfranchised for doing absolutely nothing wrong, other than taking their husband’s name (which is something Republicans tend to want women to do).

Consider how the GOP created this standard, on purpose. Why do you think that is? Tell me how it can be anything but the continued devaluation of women because of their perceived bias toward voting Democratic. (Which is a self-created problem due to their pursuit of limiting reproductive rights. Maybe if they weren’t trying to limit women to being incubators, they might have a better image in their eyes.)

So it’s not like it’s an oversight or something. In fact, they’ve had more than enough opportunities to remove that onerous requirement, but they’ve actively resisted doing so.

No, this is how they want it. They want fewer women to vote.

They could also create a Voter ID plan that would garner public support if they created a simple means of obtaining a valid document. But they won’t do that either.

They’re even willing to disenfranchise their own base. Look at how the SAVE Act affects red states:

Their stated basis for all of these new requirements is supposed to be about preventing voter fraud. That’s what they keep returning to in every argument: tall tales about illegal aliens affecting elections. This is the hollowest argument of all. There is no individual voter fraud in any statistically relevant case.

The only voter fraud found has been at the institutional level: doctoring voting machines, “losing” or pre-filling ballots, and providing incorrect details on where and when to vote. And this is in addition to the “soft” voter-prevention techniques of limiting early voting, voting by mail or drop-off, closing voting precincts, limiting hours, and threatening to have ICE teams monitoring urban voting locations. On the latter point, they’ll SAY that ICE is only looking for undocumented immigrants, but we have already seen through that. They’re rounding up anyone who fits the visual or linguistic description. If I were a legal immigrant, I wouldn’t go anywhere near a voting booth, because I wouldn’t want to risk my freedom. And that’s exactly what they want.

And ALL of these voter suppression actions were taken by Republicans. NONE of these things would be prevented by individual voter ID requirements.

Despite there being practically zero voter fraud, Republicans are insisting that a significant portion of our population wade through months of red tape to acquire new documents, counting on the fact that many won’t have the time or inclination.

This is what a political party does when they know their message is not landing. And this group has entrenched itself in positions of power, with no intentions of ever giving them up. Because they know that if they do, many of them are going to jail, from the standard minions to the top of the org chart.

There’s literally nothing they won’t do to prevent that from happening. Just look around.

Source

Truth is Another Casualty of War

This may be the first war in my lifetime where we can’t find out what’s happening on the evening TV news. This administration has a throttle on war news and will never release information that doesn’t glorify their mission.

Recall in previous wars, bombings, or raids, there was plenty of film being shown on TV: missiles hitting their marks, airfields blown up, mobile anti-missile guns wiped out, etc. We all remember that famous footage from the Iraq War of one of our missiles going through the window of some fortified bunker. It was an impressive display of American war skills. We’re getting a little of that, but not much. And we’re certainly not seeing what Iran is doing in their own defense.

Remember a few months back when the Defense Department made all journalists who covered the “war” beat swear an oath that they’d only report what the Pentagon gave them? Remember how the honest journalists quit and were replaced with friendly flaks who were only too eager to push propaganda? Well, that’s why we’re not going to get an honest take on Iran War activity.

Also note that recent events have created a whole new web of Administration-friendly national news outlets. Besides Fox “News” (and the minor cloned conservative outlets), CBS has succumbed to MAGA fever, and now CNN is heading there as well (after CBS/Paramount’s successful bid to take over the Warner Brothers universe). Add the Sinclair chain of stations, and you have a massive broadcasting voice that is willing to repeat whatever the Administration wants. And they’re certainly not going to air anything that runs counter to the claims of excellence and victory.

I’ve been seeing some alternate viewpoints on Facebook, but I don’t really trust them. There was a time when I could rely almost 100% that the liberal assertions were true, but that’s becoming increasingly unreliable.

This is the most truthful thing I’ve ever seen from a Republican.

I’ve read several outrageous claims I initially believed (because they were completely in character with other known MAGA outrages) that turned out later to be false. Either Liberals are now participating on Conservatives’ reality-distorting playing field, or the Russians/Iranians/Chinese are trying to make it look that way. Then, people don’t know what to believe, which is right where they want us.

One claim was that there was an order that went out from military commanders to all their soldiers that they were to think of the Iran attack as a holy war to bring about Armageddon. That tracks with the new Whisky Pete’s new Christian Nationalist military, but Snopes later debunked it as unproven.

But the main issue here is with the other claim I saw, that Iran has completely blown up at least 30 of our air bases in the Middle East; blown up as in completely wiped out. Billions of dollars blown to dust and operational surveillance up in smoke. Many details added depth and realism to the claim.

My take is that there have been some bombs or drones that have landed (see: our seven known casualties to date), even some key radar installations included, but we’re still operational.

But I totally believe that if such a thing DID happen, we’d have to find out from foreign news sources who are not beholden to the US government. Word would eventually leak out as the bodies came home (or disappeared en masse), but it would take a while. In the meantime, just like these guys want, I’m sitting here not knowing what to believe.

The problem is that in some of these FB newsgroups, anyone can post, which means the quality and veracity of the message varies. Usually, a commenter will call the hinky stuff into question, but, of course, you have to look. I hope these groups will begin to police themselves. I think anyone who posts misinformation should have their posting rights removed or just dropped from the group. The one advantage we’ve enjoyed for so many years is that the points put across by Dems and Liberals have generally been factually correct (compared to those of Republicans and Conservatives, the expert purveyors of logical fallacies, especially in TFG’s era). If we lose that edge, we fall even further behind in the fight for hearts and minds in the coming elections, which will be tough enough to win. And it will be even tougher to have that win count for anything, with a giant orange thumb on the scale.