Wednesday, February 17, 2010

15 Reasons Why Being a Bachelor Guy Rules

Last weekend, one of my regular blog reads, Bachelor Girl, did a post on why being a Bachelor Girl rules.  I thought it would be a grand idea to do a similar post from the male point of view.  Obviously, I have to do it from memory of the years before Pinky…

So here they are, in no particular order:

  1. No Food Network, Oprah or Lifetime Channel.  I can watch sports and action movies 24/7 if I want.  Samson will not have to be defiled by playing chick flicks.
  2. Also, volume of the TV is no issue.  I don’t have to hear “turn it down… turn it down… turn it down…” whenever something good is on.  (like sports or action movies)  Why do you think I have the home theater speakers set up?  Also, loud rock and roll at 10:00 on a Saturday morning is back in play.
  3. Seat up… seat down.  Makes no difference whatsoever.
  4. Whatever I make for dinner is a serving for one.  And I always get the last pork chop.
  5. I can keep chocolate in the house for extended periods of time.
  6. I get the whole bed.  Snoring is never an issue, either doing it or hearing it.
  7. Temperature control, so that I don’t have to pay a small fortune in gas and electric.  Nor do I have to live in a sweatbox.  A “Man-Cave” should never be more than 65 degrees.
  8. I can read and write in peace and quiet.  It’s nice to be able to construct a complex thought and have the time to get it all down.  OK, “complex thoughts” may be a reach, but still…
  9. I can fart with impunity.  The same goes for burping, scratching and all other off-putting yet satisfying manly pursuits.
  10. No frou-frou decorations.  The 6’ tall Batman and Darth Vader cardboard standees, the autographed albums and Pittsburgh Steeler photographs proudly proclaim that a man lives here.
  11. Cleaning is only necessary when I think it’s dirty.  Men and women have vastly differing ideas of what constitutes filth.  Like Dave Barry once said, “women see the actual dirt molecules.”
  12. I can drink right from the bottle in the fridge and bite right off the block of cheese.
  13. I can buy all my favorite product brands.  (Which if I think about it, are really whatever brands my mother used to buy.)
  14. I can see the sink-tops in the bathroom because they are not covered with creams, ointments, lotions, loofahs, cotton balls and cleansers.  In fact, there are no “sanitary” products of any kind in the house
  15. Complete flexibility with regard to comings and goings.  No need to “negotiate” for happy hour attendance, even on a Friday night.
Sometimes I wonder how men and women manage to live together at all.

12 comments:

  1. This is fantastic, but my absolute favorite is #5.

    The Guy LOVES Food Network, though. I can't stand it because it makes me hungry.

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  2. Can you keep PopTarts indefinitely?
    Are you sure you could see the bathroom sink tops? Crud can replace clutter.
    You seem capable of many complex thoughts and express them often.
    Why can't you still fart with impunity? Like a bullet in the furnace, you will explode if you don't.

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  3. Just think of women the yin to your yang. We keep you mentally sound. (At least I'm not that nuts, is what you tell yourself)

    I enjoy number 7. In our house, it's set to 67. Matt gets control of the thermostat and he cranks it up to 69. Dirty bastard.

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  4. B. Girl:
    While I love the eating, I have no interest in watching some other schmoe preparing food.

    Thank you for the inspiration!

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  5. Mary Ann:
    The complex thoughts can only be put down now in fits and starts, like trying to rock a car out of an ice-bound parking spot.

    I can still fart, but there is definitely “punity”. I usually plead “setup” though… don’t feed me red beans and rice if you don’t want farting later.

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  6. Cassie:
    I do think of women that way. There’s a whole ‘nother list that can be made that shows the benefits of not being a Bachelor Guy. But I don’t think it would be as funny.

    I heard a comedian do a bit on how women keep us in line, noting that most serial killers are single.

    “Hey, put that ax down, you’re not killing anybody, now take the garbage out.”

    With the thermostat, I try to be conservative and consider clothing as the great variable. I’d rather keep it chilly and bundle up with sweaters and blanket, and in the summer, keep it warmer and just wear shorts and a sleeveless tee. Whereas certain others who shall remain nameless (cough-Pinky-cough) will move the thermostat up and down several times an hour, just to compensate for how she’s feeling at that particular moment. Hence the appearance of #7 on my list.

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  7. So your complex thoughts come in shits and farts...o Never Mind, emily liTella

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  8. I think that's the product of complex carbs.

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  9. i'm pretty sure that we could replace one of those and add "taking a 60 minute nap without being made to feel guilty".

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  10. Fan:
    Or, just make it 16 reasons. I'm good with that...

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  11. Ha. You think co-habiting is difficult. Have children. You will never, ever #8 again.

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  12. RPM:
    LOL… 8 AND 6, I’m sure.

    I’ve said it before, but I am in awe of parents. I have no idea how one can be in such a state of high alert and high patience at all times. I don’t know how you do it without cracking up.

    My brother once told me that he knew that parenthood was getting into his head when at a meeting, someone mentioned a bathroom break and he had the impulse to say, "let me smell your butt..."

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