Amateur Day

In other words, happy St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m always kind of ambivalent about St. Patrick’s Day, probably because I’m not Irish.  And this seems to be one of those days, like New Years Eve and the NFL playoffs, that people feel obligated to go out and get completely shit-faced drunk.  So I usually don’t do anything for St. Paddy’s.  I do enjoy the jokes though…

I used to have an “Onion” day calendar that had a particularly good bit for this day:

I particularly like #2.

I hate crowded bar rooms in any circumstances and it’s especially annoying on St. Pats.  My only salvation would be to take Sitcom Kelly with me.  She has experience in clearing Irish bars.  Once she was visiting Ireland and enjoying some drinks in a nice local pub.  One of the locals asked her what she was doing in Ireland.  She answered, “I want Irish babies!”

This was after the stampede.

Anyway, here’s a little something I’m posting as a public service to those of you determined to go out tonight anyway.  I worked long and hard copying this over from my Dad’s email, but nothing is too good for my friends!

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM	CAUSE	CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet	Glass Being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper Bladder Control	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless	a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite	Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself leashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes	You have fallen forward	See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet	a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face	Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
Floor Blurred	You are looking through bottom of empty glass	Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	Bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations	Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear	It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up	Punch him
People are standing around the urinals, talking.	You're in the ladies' room	Do not use urinal!  Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting. (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You have been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in	You've wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk	a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy	Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
Your singing sounds distorted	The beer is too weak	Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song	Beer is just right	Play air guitar

I swear, we Italians gotta start some better traditions for Columbus Day.  Bocce tournament anyone?  There’ll be wine…