Thursday, March 17, 2011

Amateur Day

In other words, happy St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m always kind of ambivalent about St. Patrick’s Day, probably because I’m not Irish.  And this seems to be one of those days, like New Years Eve and the NFL playoffs, that people feel obligated to go out and get completely shit-faced drunk.  So I usually don’t do anything for St. Paddy’s.  I do enjoy the jokes though…

I used to have an “Onion” day calendar that had a particularly good bit for this day:
I particularly like #2.

I hate crowded bar rooms in any circumstances and it’s especially annoying on St. Pats.  My only salvation would be to take Sitcom Kelly with me.  She has experience in clearing Irish bars.  Once she was visiting Ireland and enjoying some drinks in a nice local pub.  One of the locals asked her what she was doing in Ireland.  She answered, “I want Irish babies!”
This was after the stampede.

Anyway, here’s a little something I’m posting as a public service to those of you determined to go out tonight anyway.  I worked long and hard copying this over from my Dad’s email, but nothing is too good for my friends!

A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY

IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty.

b. You're holding a Coors Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward
See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror
Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him
People are standing around the urinals, talking.      
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal!  Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting. (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
Your singing sounds distorted
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song
Beer is just right
Play air guitar

I swear, we Italians gotta start some better traditions for Columbus Day.  Bocce tournament anyone?  There’ll be wine…

22 comments:

  1. I've never been much of a St. Paddy's Day partier either... most likely because it usually falls on a week day and I hate being hungover and having to drag into work the next day.

    However, I would happily go for some Shepherd's Pie right about now.

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  2. I wish they had a day for us Pennsylvania Dutch to celebrate.

    Happy St Patty's Day to you as well.

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  3. I celebrated last night. I wish I had had your guide with me. It would have made my life a lot easier. I was very glad I had a designated driver.

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  4. Beer is crystal-clear

    It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up!

    Punch him.

    YES!

    There should be a Viking heritage holiday. There'd be much violence and pilfering and SEX. Us Norwegians need to know how to keep warm, donchaknow.

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  5. Jessica,
    You know, you’d think that there would be mutton in Shepard’s Pie, wouldn’t you?

    Our usual after-work bar is called Mick O’Shea’s, and they have Shepard’s Pie there. Naturally, I always get the bacon cheeseburger.

    Trash,
    What would people do at a Pennsylvania Dutch event? Make ice cream? Raise a barn? And how would you do stuff like that with beer in hand?

    Judie,
    I’m glad you had a designated driver too. I’d have hated for you to have been kidnapped by leprechauns.

    Hey, quick St. Pat’s joke:
    What’s green and sits outside?
    Paddy O’Furniture.

    Baa ha ha ha ha ha…

    Cassie,
    I think Viking Appreciation Day would be a stellar idea. It would be just like those Capital One commercials. The problem is that we’d probably have to eat lutefisk and we’d be sick long before we even got drunk.

    Vaaaaaange!
    I’ve missed you!!

    Glad I could help. It’s my belief that all drunks have a reliable support system.

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  6. That checklist had me cracking up!!!

    I chose to rest my liver tonight and have kiwi-lime agua fresca at home. I've learned that if everyone around me's power-drinking, I don't want to join in.

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  7. Lilo,
    I wish I could take credit for that, but it was just something that happened to turn up in my inbox as I was gathering idea for this post.

    I'm not drinking either... Don't need no shamrock to tell ME when to drink!

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  8. I am one-eighth Irish and so celebrated the day by drinking Miller 64, which is 2.8 percent alcohol. Although I suck at math, somehow that seems to compute.

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  9. Sherry,
    2.8%?? You might as well just drink Hi-C.

    That's even weaker than the old 3.2 beer we used to have to drink when we were 18.

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  10. Damn you, Bluz! You stole the only Irish joke I know!!
    Oh, and by the way, no hangover today. Is that good or bad??

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  11. Judie,
    That's one of the few clean jokes I know. Oh, and that's no theft... at least not from you. My boss told be that joke circa 1983.

    And for as drunk as you said you got last night, it's great that you don't have a hangover. Now you can drink your face off, with impunity!

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  12. Yeah, Italians got the shaft on national holidays. I'm half & half (Irish on my dad's side; Italian on my mother's), so I drink good beer and eat good food. It's the best of both worlds!

    My husband would love to join you for Bocce. Baltimore has courts down in Little Italy, don't they? WHEN I meet you, I'll tell you about finding them on a trip to B'more. Better yet, I'll let Dan tell it.

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  13. Speaking of missing Vange, where is Carpetbagger? I miss him.

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  14. I love the guide
    Some things I have seen and hopefully never tried
    Some of those suggestions are damn right great
    And oh so funny but for some it's fate
    As they get to damn drunk
    And in a stupid funk
    Then they are sunk
    And smell like a skunk
    Now I must go
    Where to I don't know

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  15. Red Pen Mama,
    Glad to see you surface online! I guess the baby is napping well…

    The bocce courts in Little Italy are amazing! I used to go the Feast of St. Gabriel (meaning “giant street fair”) every August with my sister (when she still lived here) and it was always a ball. I could sit and watch the bocce players all day, especially when they start carrying on with each other, in Italian. After enough beer, I start to understand them.

    The street fair is amazing. I always say it celebrates the 4 facets of being Italian: food, drink, religion and gambling.

    The food booths are wonderful… all kinds of Italian delicacies are there, hand made by authentic Italian grandmas wearing their housecoats. You can get everything from pasta to sausage and onions, to elephant ears. They have beer trucks, wine stands and all kinds of prizes that you can’t just buy; you have to place bets on a roulette wheel to win them. And of course, the fair takes place at the crossroads of Little Italy, right between 2 large and very old churches.

    Hmmm. I smell a post coming on all this… Probably later this summer.

    And speaking of later, you’re hearing it here first… I’m going to be back in Pittsburgh at the end of May. (Another wedding.) I will be free and clear all day that Monday (Memorial Day) and hope to scare up some kind of bloggers event. (Or crash somebody else’s.) Hope your schedule is clear… Stay tuned.

    Cassie,
    I KNOW! He’s been MIA for a couple weeks. I’m dying to hear more about his fabulous former career as a television “extra.” He’s been harder to find than your sister, Carly…

    Pat,
    Always a pleasure, Pat,
    And you can take to the bank: that!

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  16. HA! Love the handy-dandy troubleshooting guide. What a helpful fellow you are, Bluz.

    P.S. I'm Irish AND Italian! But I still don't go out on Amateur Night, a.k.a., St. Patrick's Day.

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  17. Speaking of missing Vange, where is Carpetbagger? I miss him.

    You missed me more though. RIGHT, Cassie?!

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  18. Mrs Bachelor Girl,
    Irish AND Italian... so that means you can cook, argue, AND fight!

    Vange,
    I suspect Cassie may be more resistant to your charms than yours truly...

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  19. I miss you all! I can't compare the wit. I am a slut for wit.

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  20. This is my favorite: "Fall on someone cushy-looking." :)

    I've never done the St. Patty's Day thing. I am definitely Irish (Shannon is my maiden name), but it just seems weird to purposely get drunk on a night that the world's cops are watching the hardest for missteps. Eh. I'll have my Guinness when I feel like it, damn it! :)

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  21. Cristy,
    Damned straight! Guinness on demand!

    Good point about the cops… again, it’s like NY Eve. At midnight, it’s like The Running of the Drunks. The cops are all over them like the alligators waiting for the zebras to cross the river.

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