Cuts, Butts, and Nuts

My original plan was to write about the debt ceiling mess. I mean, how many times must we do this dance? Every time it comes up and there’s a Democratic president, Republicans pretend that they’re against national debt and decide to hold the debt ceiling for ransom, so to extract concessions that would never otherwise be on the table.

When there’s a Republican president, the debt ceiling is raised without issue. Even when the Trump tax cuts were adding over a trillion dollars to the deficit, you never heard a peep about the deficit from Republicans. They’re not against government spending, per se, just against Democrats directing the spending.

Republicans came into this term stating out loud that their goal was to extract concessions or else they’d tank the economy. What I don’t know is why they think it will play out differently this time than it has the last several times they did the same thing. Do they think no one remembers?

Once those Social Security checks stop rolling out, people will start losing their minds… including Republican people. Not that these criminals care about the average retiree, mind you. They’re just collateral damage. But eventually, when the wheels of government grind to a halt and it begins to affect businesses, the Donor Class will start button-holing people and telling them to cut the shit, and then the debt ceiling will be raised and we’ll all live to fight another day about something else.

So I don’t feel like there’s enough here worth blowing up into a full post. Instead, let’s talk about some goofy shit.

It all starts with Chicken Butt. Do you know how little kids run around repeating pointless rhymes and stuff? For no reason whatsoever. Around here, first-graders love to come up to grown-ups and say, “Guess what?”

You answer “What?”

They say, “Chicken butt!” and giggle with glee. They will do this to their parents roughly 25 times a day. My wife, Sweetpea, the first-grade teacher, has been hearing this for generations.

A while back, I saw this design on a t-shirt and immediately got it for her.

I mean, how could I not, right? I had to live up to the t-shirt I got myself at the same time, that said, “Trophy Husband.”

On Friday, she wore it to school, (under a buttoned shirt), to reveal to her class. That was the plan, up until she opened her email and saw one from a parent with a complaint. This parent said her daughter told her that a boy from another class used inappropriate language in the cafeteria. The daughter came to her to ask what it meant, which upset the parent.

What was said? She heard a boy say “My nuts hurt.”

Yep, “nuts.” That is what set off the alarms. And rather than engage in a 30-second explanation with her child, the parent decided that the school needed to drop what they were doing and investigate, to stop this little nut-cracker in his tracks.

At that point, Sweetpea decided this probably wasn’t the best day to reveal her chicken butt shirt. She directed the email to her principal and added “Suggestions?” Later she told him she’d speak to the other first-grade teacher, who said she would talk to her class about appropriate language in the cafeteria.

But if you ever wonder why schools seem like they don’t have enough time in the day, things like this are a contributing factor.

What’s the beef here, that a 5-year-old didn’t use the word “testicles?” Or did she have a problem that this boy referred to something that’s literally a part of him? It’s a good thing they retired the “Dick and Jane” books, or who knows what else kids would overhear and cause their parents to email their complaints? Oh man, what if the cafeteria was serving mushroom caps? There would be anarchy.

She’s lucky her kid was never in a class with my youngest nephew, Sammy, when he was in first grade. He not only used that term liberally, he rolled it out with a great flourish.

“Oooh,” he’d say, “That got’em right in then NNNNNNNNuttts!”

One time there were at a Catholic League gym hockey game and Sammy saw the goalie putting on his pads. At top volume, he exclaimed, “Hey Dad, those are for his NNNNNNNNUttts!”

If “nuts” didn’t corrupt a Catholic League gym full of students and parents, I’m sure the cafeteria crowd will survive.

Now watch, the next brainstorm from the school board will be some kind of naughty-word tracking system that teachers to have to complete daily. I bet Florida already has one. Just wait until these new report cards come rolling out. Wouldn’t it be a shame if a student could be kept out of the college of their choice based on incorrect gonadal terminology from elementary school?

Good thing we have such active parents in the community, who keep teachers focused on what’s really important.