It's More Than a Naked Emperor

There’s a persistent myth being pedaled by Republican outlets that all Democrats have to run on is not being Trump. While “not being Trump” is a tremendous selling point to people whose EEGs show activity, it’s hardly the only nail in the toolbox. Last weekend, this editorial cartoon appeared in recently turned Republican mouthpiece, the Baltimore Sun:

Clearly, they’re seeking to persuade low-information chumps that the Dems have no substance other than hating their leader, which is truly ironic, given the ethos that currently holds Republicans together. Seriously, you’d really have to have your head in the sand to not see the legitimate concerns that Democrats can use to wrest power from the craven minions of the rich. Or watch Fox “News.”

Merely getting rid of the current president does little to fix what his team has done to the country. Republicans need to be voted out en masse. If they weren’t directly in on it, they were still sucking up to the perpetrators and allowing such gross negligence to prosper.

Democrats have an entire playbook to run on, and that’s Project 2025. None of it is contingent solely on the current occupant of the White House. It was written by Republicans and designed to be used by any Republicans in office. Last election, Republicans, to a man, denied having anything to do with this playbook, yet once they swept into power, they began enacting its directives immediately.

If I were a presidential (or congressional) candidate, that would become my Bible. I’d read from it on the campaign trail and highlight the damages done by the current Administration following its instructions. And none of it has to do with Trump. It’s all about consolidating power among rich Republicans and changing enough laws to ensure they stay in power.

It’s all right there…

·         Bouncing immigrants out of the country,

·         Declaring their political opponents to be “terrorists,” to facilitate rounding them up at a later date,

·         Setting up ICE as a personal military organization, loyal only to the Administration, to get around Posse Comitatus as a tool to intimidate and neutralize political opponents,

·         Buying and allowing the consolidation of national media to present a Conservative-friendly viewpoint

·         Altering census methodology to undercount city residents and foreigners,

·         Making it harder for lower and middle class citizens to vote, gerrymandering Red States to make a changing of the guard damn-near impossible,

·         Making women jump through hoops that few men do, eliminating reproductive rights to keep women under the thumb of paternalism,

·         Railing against “DEI” to cover removing people of color from the military and government, and removing initiatives that helped them get there,

·         Packing the courts, Supreme and otherwise, with their own Federalist Society shills by any means necessary,

·         Abandoning renewable energy options and relying solely on the fossil fuel industry for power, which goes hand in hand with general climate-change denial, and much more.

Any of these items could be a marquee part of a political campaign. Yet the Baltimore Sun (and apparently the Chicago Tribune, from whence the cartoon originated) wants everyone to think that all Liberals want to do is persecute some poor half-senile public servant. No such luck. The Dems need to run the races of their lives to overturn this headlong rush into an American Dystopia, where the rich live like kings, and the rest of us rob, cheat, and kill each other just to get by. That will only happen by putting a spotlight on what is happening right now and how it’s affecting average Americans.

Republicans don’t have many legitimate positions that help the working class, so they have to create boogiemen to scare the votes out of them.

All we can do is cling to the truth and call out the BS when we see it. Eventually, more people will realize that the Emperor and his minions have been streaking this whole time.

But note that we can’t count on the national media to help… It’s all they can do to get a paper printed without typos or incorrect grammar-induced misconceptions. Like this headline from this morning:

What they’re telling me is a great relief! Looks like even after I’m dead and gone, it’s not too late to choose what happens to my carcass. I wonder if I still have to fill out forms, or if I just float off to the nearest psychic?

Jokes about the headline aside, the article presents an interesting option that I’d never heard of before.

Talk about "soiling oneself..." I can see the appeal of literally returning to the earth after passing, but then using the soil as fertilizer to grow your own stuff? I don’t know about that.  I’d have to think long and hard about eating the fruits of my labor that had been literally nourished by a departed loved one.

I can just see the eventual harvest…

“Hey, that tomato looks like Grandpa!”

I wouldn’t even want to consider growing an ear of corn…

The Art of the Roast

Warning: I’m posting about Friars’ Roasts today and am including some of the graphically impolite jokes from prior roasts. Go no further if easily offended.

I’ve always loved the Friars’ Roasts, going all the way back to the Dean Martin roasts of the 70s. Granted, the ones we have today are far more “industrial strength” than Dino’s were, at least the parts that were aired on TV. I’m told that in person, they were just as filthy, but because they aired on network TV, the harsh parts never made it past network Standards and Practices, or government oversight.

Because the roasts are not aired on broadcast TV, the FCC has no say over content, so cable stations are free to broadcast whatever they think the marketplace will tolerate.

Director’s DVD Commentary: The FCC only has dominion over public airwaves because that is a public resource. Therefore, cable/streaming, because we choose to pay for them, is not affected.

The roasts are the last refuge of the completely Un-PC joke, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners comedy. It’s the kind of stuff my friends and I used to engage in amongst ourselves, although we were nowhere near as clever. Anything was fodder for jokes back then. The bigger the taboo, the bigger the laugh.

So, if you choose to watch a roast, you should know what you’re in for. If one is squeamish about hearing jokes about sex, race, religion, divorces, family tragedies, medical issues, cosmetic surgeries, and politics, often in X-rated language, don’t tune in. (Same for this post. See warning above.)

Further, if you are famous and contemplating participating in such a roast, you can expect to have your life’s most embarrassing moments mocked and thrown in your face, and it will be brutal. If you can’t handle that, don’t go. And that’s not just the “honoree.” All the roasters get roasted as well. You shouldn’t sling it if you can’t take the returned fire.

You wouldn’t have thought so, but our famously thin-skinned president was once the “honoree” of such a roast. I heard that he told the network that the comics could rip him about any subject, including the perception that he wants to fuck his oldest daughter, just as long as no one intimated that he wasn’t as rich as he claimed (at the time). That told me that he definitely wasn’t as rich as he claimed, at least not until he found his life’s greatest grifting opportunity in the Oval Office.

Anyway, I’ve been watching the roasts forever, because I know that I’ll spend 2-3 hours laughing my face off. For the last 30 or so years, they’ve done one roast per year, usually airing on Comedy Central. Last year, they put the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. And last Saturday, they aired the roast of comic Kevin Hart, broadcast live, which I watched. It can now be called up on Netflix anytime. I presume it’s been edited since the initial broadcast. Running two hours and fifty minutes, I’m sure they can find at least 20 minutes to cut, to tighten it all up. Not every remark was gold.

How was it? Not bad. I got a lot of genuine belly laughs, but not as many as I have in the past. I think the panel of roasters was a little too uneven. Too many little-known friends and not enough seasoned comedians. Although the “surprise” appearance by The Rock was entertaining. Those two guys together are always a riot.

Mainstay Jeff Ross was there, but surprised me by being the first roaster. As a roasting legend, they usually put him on later. He still killed, but looked pretty bad (even for him.) Apparently, he recently survived cancer, so the treatments must have taken a toll. But even at his best, comic Lisa Lampanelli once roasted him by saying, “Jeff, looking at you reminds me that I need to shave my taint.”

Chelsea Handler provided the first joke I saw bubble up on my news feed this morning. She was targeting Hart and comedian Tony Hinchcliffe, who is best known for performing at a Trump rally and insulting Puerto Rico by calling it a “floating island of garbage.” Both had recently performed at a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia.

Chelsea killed with her segment. I guess she was the hot blonde comic in place of Nikki Glaser, whose career went nuclear last year after her set on the Tom Brady roast.

Every time I watch a roast, I can’t help but miss comic Greg Giraldo, who was a roasting mainstay until his passing in 2010. (Man, I had no idea that was 26 years ago. I was going to guess around 10 before I looked it up.) This guy never failed to slay me. On the roast of Joan Rivers, referring to her many cosmetic surgeries, he told her, “You look like if Steven Tyler fucked a life raft.”

To Bob Saget, he once said, “You’re an 'artist' the way Cloris Leachman is 'moist'.” (Cloris was on the dais.)

To redneck comedian, Jeff Foxworthy, he said, “You look like a guy Tonya Harding would fuck in a '78 Nova.”

To rapper Flava Flav, he said, “You look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape.”

My favorite of his was to very large (and now deceased) comic Ralphie May, “You’re the only guy in America who goes to a porno movie and cums when the guy shows up with the pizza.”

At the roast of Rob Lowe, David Spade killed me with this comment on a large-craniumed NFL quarterback who was on the dais, “Peyton Manning is the only one who’s been given more head than Rob Lowe.”

Later, Rob Lowe piled on, “Peyton is here to tell Zika babies, 'It could be much worse.'”

Pete Davidson was there last night, which reminded me of this comment of his to Martha Stewart, during the roast of Justin Bieber: “Martha, you’re so old your first period was The Renaissance.”

He also had this one that killed me, regarding host Kevin Hart and roaster Shaquille O’Neal, “It’s great to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s dick… Shaq, thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels as Super Mario.”

Also at the Bieber roast, comedian Natasha Legero told him, “Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. That makes her the unluckiest Selena in show biz.”

Same roast, rapper Ludacris said to a fellow rapper, “Snoop, there are not a lot of Black billionaires, just Dr. Dre, and the guy who sells you weed.”

I could go on all day but I’d better wrap this up, so here’s one of the best digs I ever heard, which came from comic Anthony Jeselnik while roasting Charlie Sheen, ”Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law and Order SVU.”

Good night, and tip your waitresses.

 

Director’s DVD Commentary: Lest you think I memorized all those quotes, or spent the day looking them up, I didn’t. One of the notes I keep on my Notes phone app is a list of favorite roast quotes, collected over the years of watching them. I often open it up whenever I need a quick giggle. And yeah, as you probably suspect, the only reason I posted on roasts today was to use some of the quotes. 

Odd Bits - The Germ-Ridden Edition

Last week’s post about fake assassination attempts ran longer than I initially intended, so I omitted some other news events I wanted to cover. I’ll address them today.

One Flu Over the Sniper’s Nest

SecDef Whiskey Pete removed the requirement that all troops receive flu shots, making them optional. I’m wondering if this is a new war strategy. Given his lack of safety precautions for the various bases in the Middle East, which have been left exposed and have taken heavy damage, he may be counting on some of his guys getting captured. His hope could be that rather than intel, they’ll give the enemy the flu. Or at least get gross bodily fluids all over enemy camps.

He says it’s about the principle that one can’t force a man to do things to his body against his will. And the “a man” part is a telling factor because these MAGA goons certainly don’t recognize the bodily autonomy of a woman. This is just more evidence that the new Conservatives consider women to be second-class citizens/property. Only men’s rights are worth fighting for. More on this in a bit.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Double Standard

The state of Virginia voted to approve a new Democratic-skewed congressional map, which was immediately nullified by a Republican judge. Shortly after, the Supreme Court voted to allow racial and any other kind of gerrymandering, as long as the developers of the map don’t explicitly state that they want to screw the minorities. As with most Republican legal positions, they want it to be legal when they do it but illegal when anyone else does.

Now, I’m in favor of eliminating gerrymandering of all kinds. I think there should be a bipartisan commission in each state that draws fair and representative districts. BUT, as long as the Republicans are cooking the books in Texas, Florida, Indiana, Missouri, and the other Red States, I think the Democrats need to do the same. Standing on principle is pointless if you’re the only ones doing it. I refuse to take the noble stand while the opposition flouts the rules of decency and amasses enough power to retain it for generations. We can already see that their goal is to create a rich, white, male utopia at the expense of everyone else. They’re not even hiding it any longer. We need to avail ourselves of every tactic there is to seek a more even playing field. Otherwise, our vaunted Democratic Republic will disappear in a swirl of grift, racism, and religious fervor.

Texas Tea-ching

The state of Texas has been cleared to require the posting of the Ten Commandments in every classroom, breaking many decades' worth of precedent separating church and state. “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…” That sounds pretty clear to me, and requiring the posting of religious tenets of one religion is obviously in violation.

If I were a teacher in Texas, I’d find a way to add the tenets of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Pastafarianism to my classroom wall décor.

To me, the best take on the Ten Commandments came from legendary comedian George Carlin, who, using logic and common sense, whittled the Ten Commandments down to two:

·         Thou shalt be honest and faithful…

·         Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anybody.

I was going to embed the video, but it no longer seems to be on YouTube in its entirety.

SNAP Crappola and Pop

The GOP is trying to work up more requirements on what one’s meager SNAP benefits can be used to purchase. The latest attempts would eliminate, among other things, soda and rotisserie chicken. Republicans won’t be happy until all that poor people can get from the government is a thin gruel, preferably after waiting in a blocks-long line. To them, if you’re poor, it’s your fault, and this is all you deserve.

I’m looking for the next proposal, where someone creates a poor-folks’ MRE, like the military’s “Meals Ready to Eat.” Then the government could pass out boxes of these pre-approved rations and be sure they couldn’t possibly be enjoyed. Obviously, they will be produced by whichever giant agri-business greases the right politicians. Mark my words, it’s coming.

United States Male Service

A federal court has upheld Louisiana’s ban on receiving the abortion pill by mail, which will somehow affect the rest of the country. It is a major piece in the GOP agenda to keep women pregnant and under male control. See, much like mail-in voting, by eliminating the mailing of the abortion pill, women have to go to places that provide such services. That’s where the Republican suppression techniques kick in. They can harass people coming and going, legislate against such places via zoning restrictions or other capricious legal maneuvers, or continue the effort to ban specific drugs and procedures. It’s another way for a small portion of Americans to impose their religious inclinations on the rest of the country, regardless of anyone else’s moral or ethical code. It’s the Republican mantra: agree with me, or you’re not a “real” American.

Passport Trolling

When I read that the president is pasting his scowling puss onto American passports this summer, I was overjoyed that I already applied. In fact, my new passport came last Friday, sans the mug of the Orange Troll. That’s the last thing I’d want to flash around in various international ports. Talk about making yourself a more obvious target. There should be an option where on the first page it says, “Please don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him.”

Despite all the warnings that this would take a good bit of time, I received my passport roughly three weeks after I applied. Now I’m just waiting for them to return my old junior high school passport.

Funny thing though… Sunday morning, I received a status update email from the government, saying they just mailed my passport and I’d receive it on Tuesday, the passport I’d already received two days earlier. Just goes to show, this Administration can’t even succeed without looking like a screw-up.