I See Naked People

I’m not finding a lot of current events this week to which I think I can add anything of value. The big bomb last week was the ousting of Speaker McCarthy and the subsequent clown show that has followed ever since. It seems that Matt Gaetz, the catalyst for the big move, had no idea what was to come next after achieving his goal of unspeakering the Speaker. As several have pointed out (before I could get to it), it looked a lot like this:

For the next Speaker, TFG has put his considerable weight behind Gym Jordan, a loathsome individual who’s best known for ignoring reports of molestation from the college wrestlers under his tutelage and for being the House’s greatest suck-up to the deposed president. The guy just rubs me the wrong way… he reminds me of the prototypical back-slapping frat boy, the kind that proclaims himself an “alpha male,” because merely acting like a giant douche all the time isn’t getting him enough attention. He is the walking personification of bluster over substance.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that… so how to fill up the rest of the day’s post?

I used to write a good bit about TV and broadcasting, but it’s been a while.

I’m still a cable guy… I don’t like all the streaming business. My cable package has more than enough content and channels to keep me occupied. There’s always something on I can watch. Although it has been a bit more challenging throughout the writers and actors strikes. But it did afford me the opportunity to try out some shows I’d heard about but never had the chance to actually watch.

I’ve never been a huge “reality” TV fan. I’m mostly a fan of the Big Three of network broadcast: Survivor, Big Brother, and Amazing Race, pretty much since they started. Then a few months back, I recorded a few episodes of Naked and Afraid, just to see what it was all about. I had read before that they pixilated all the naughty bits, so I kinda wondered what the point was. I mean, if you’re gonna go on TV naked, be naked! Put the show on HBO and do it up!

So yes, they do pixilate boobs and crotches. Butts seem to be OK, as long as no one is bending over. They still blur out the old red-eye and shots of the old under-carriage.

The show features participants with all kinds of body types. Some dudes are buff and some women are smokin’ hot. Other times they have big barrel-shaped dudes with their droopy little asses and women who look like they’re one Whitman’s Sampler away from a massive heart attack. Or they have so little meat on their bodies you wonder how they’ll ever be able to survive the cold overnight.

The idea is that they send a man and a woman out into a wilderness of some kind, African savannah, Amazon rain forest, Florida Everglades, deserted islands, and so on. Aside from not having clothes, they get to choose one item to take, usually a machete/axe/big-ass knife, a fire starter (flint device), rope, or netting. Sometimes the show gives them a metal pot, to boil and purify water. And that’s it.

Unlike Survivor, in the standard show, there are no challenges or rewards… it’s just, “Gimme your clothes, here’s your items, see you in 21 days. Go survive.”

They also get a burlap bag with a strap, so it can be worn over the shoulder. They use it not only to carry their meager supplies, but for transporting small food items that the forage or catch. The bag is usually good cover for their privates too. I think that was a production decision, so that they can save on their pixilation budget.

After watching a few episodes, the naked part of it kind of falls away. You just get used to it and begin to identify with just how vulnerable these people are and how little they have to protect themselves from insects, animals, and the elements.

In most cases, the participants are survivalists in one way or another. And by “survivalists,” I don’t mean wingnuts who hoard canned goods, firearms and ammo in their bomb shelters. I mean people who have learned how to live directly off the land, without even 18^th century conveniences. There are a lot of ex-military and law enforcement, but also endurance athletes, hunters, extreme campers, and nature lovers... people who know how to build shelters, build fire from scratch, forage for food among native flora.

The terrain is unforgiving. The bugs alone would send me running for the rescue truck on Day One. Sometimes people get bit up so bad it looks like the world’s worst case of measles. Nights get surprisingly cold, even in desert locations. 40-50 degree temperature swings are common, leaving even married people with little choice but to snuggle up with their partners for warmth.

On the other hand, the production plays up the animal dangers a great deal. I know there are big, scary, dangerous critters out there, but they keep rolling what looks like stock footage, to keep the images in front of the viewers’ eyes. It’s like”

“What was that sound? Was it a lion?”

Cut to a shot of a lion strolling by… it could have been from that day, or a week ago. You rarely see the participant and the beast in the same shot. So I know they take some liberties. But that’s not to say the danger isn’t out there. The participants find big cat or bear tracks outside their shelters all the time.

I don't underestimate the sound of a big animal close by. I was at a zoo once and heard a lion roar. Even from about 50 feet away, the sound reverberated in my bones. I had never felt so insignificant in my life, so I can only imagine the effect on someone that doesn't have iron bars between themselves and something that could swat the mouth off their face.

So, the participants are dropped off, they get naked, then go to a pre-arranged spot to meet their partner. That’s always awkward, but entertainingly so. They use a map to navigate through various perils to find a place near water, to make camp.

In Africa, they make something that’s called a “boma.” That’s where they find a clearing near some trees, and pile up thorn bushes (with which Africa seems to be covered) in a circle, for protection against all but the most determined predators. Inside the circle, they can make any number of different kinds of shelters, depending on their expertise.

Other locations use platforms to get up off the jungle ground, away from bugs and snakes. Sometimes they do a lean-to, other times they practically build a small house, with four walls and a roof. You definitely need a roof because it always seems to pour down rain at night.

Then they have to make fire, for night protection and to purify the local water. Sometimes, when the fire is not forthcoming and someone is wracked with thirst, they drink straight from a stream. In most cases, they later become ill, often having to be pulled from the game.

It’s funny with some of the people coming in who say they’re experts with making fire from scratch, so they don’t bring a Firestarter. Making fire with a made-in-the-wilderness “bow drill” always turns out to be a much greater ordeal than they expect, especially in humid places like rain forests.

This is a bow drill, which many participants use to make fire. You pull the bow back and forth to spin the rod, whose friction with the base will make an ember (maybe), which you take and put in a nest of wispy kindling. By blowing on the ember, you hope to catch the rest of the kindling and then build up into a sustainable fire.

So many people start the show by talking about how they’re going to dominate and thrive. These are usually the people who tap out and quit in the first week. Mother Nature is a great humbler.

After shelter and fire/water, they eventually turn to finding food. That’s where the characteristics of the terrain come into play. Sometimes there’s plenty of game to hunt, or fish to catch, sometimes not. Sometimes the forest is rife with coconuts and fruit, sometimes not. Even the most experienced hunters often come up empty, because they don’t have their gun or bow and arrow. People who know how to make snares or deadfall traps sometimes can come up with some critters like rats, groundhogs, or other small game.

And that’s it… they try to keep their fire going, stay hydrated and out of the elements, and find food where they can, for 21 days. The last day entails a long hike to their extraction site, which is completely draining, because they are often at their weakest point.

The interpersonal relationships are always interesting because they show likes to cast for conflict, like putting the avid hunter with the tree hugging hippy, or the Southern chauvinist who thinks the man needs to lead, with an ex-military woman, who’s used to giving her own orders.

As far as the “battle of the sexes” goes, men and women seem to tap out with the same frequency. And like I said, it always seems to be the self-proclaimed badass who taps out early, leaving his female partner to fend for herself for the rest of the time. (Which she often does.) But I prefer to see the two participants successfully work together. You have to figure, once you go through an experience like this with someone, you’ve got a friend for life.

I sit in amazement at what I see some of these folks do and how much they know. I can’t believe anyone would sign up to go through such a trial by fire (and rain). So while I think I’m learning a lot about how to survive in the wild, there is zero chance I would ever try such a thing myself. My version of surviving in the wild is staying at a 2-star hotel. I’ll take the bedbugs and a lousy bar over the spiders, snakes, mosquitos and sand flies.

Other iterations of the show feature veterans coming back in groups to engage in longer stays, for 40 or 60 days. When they stay that long, they are often given bows and arrows, especially in Africa, which is pretty much of a necessity. In other locales, they can be given fish hooks or giant hooks to catch gators or caiman.

I’m not one for hunting, ever, but I do understand situations where you either kill, or you don’t eat.

But some of these people are truly amazing at what they do, with deep knowledge of their environment and how to do just about anything. I even saw one woman take the fat out of an alligator they killed, and make soap with it. And that fits with the vibe, because any time something is killed, the participants use almost everything. The meat they can’t eat right away gets smoked and dried into jerky, the pelts get used for clothing, or cut up into shoes, for protection against thorns and jagged rocks. The inventiveness fascinates me.

Naked and Afraid runs on the Discovery channel on Sundays, usually in an all-day marathon. Sometimes they also run on Animal Planet.