Thursday, January 12, 2012

Why Heathens Make Good Friends

The other day I found myself emailing with my Hot Arizona Auntie, Judie, the Rogue Artist.  Seems she had a bit of a problem with Blogger (and who doesn’t?) where it posted her same comment 8 times.  I emailed her to tell her that I would delete the extras.

Bluz: It’s just another service from your friendly, neighborhood Heathen.

Judie: Heathens are the best kind of friends!

That got me thinking, which as you know, can be dangerous.  But it can also provide an angle for a blog post! 

I immediately started composing a list of why Heathens make good friends.  It started out pretty silly, but kind of snowballed from there.  It didn’t emerge all at once, but over a series of emails with Judie.  It’s so much easier for me to create when I’m outside the echo-chamber of my own head.  So with that, I give you:

Why Heathens Make Good Friends
  • We’re always available on Sunday.
  • We don’t judge.
  • We’re always at work because we don’t have any special holidays.
  • We’re hard to scandalize because we don’t claim to be prim or proper.
  • We’ll drink, dance, gamble and swear with you.
  • We’re not ashamed of our bodies (although maybe some of us should be).
  • We don’t intertwine sex and guilt.
  • We make better music.
  • A recent survey showed that the non-religious tend to be better informed on religious doctrine than those that believe, because we make the effort to find out what we’re rejecting.
  • We will be good for the benefit of society, rather than out of fear of afterlife retribution (or reward).
  • At our house, you can start eating dinner as soon as the food is served, so it’s still hot.
  • We don’t hassle people about their religion because we have no holy book that commands us to go out and recruit.
  • We will defend your right claim your own religion with the same voice we use to claim our own right not to be bound by it.
  • We have complete immunity from cults, Scientology or otherwise.
  • And as follows, we will never be seen in coordinated track suits.
  • We will never be linked to priests, preachers or any church officials who:
    • Get caught in heterosexual sex scandals.
    • Get caught in homosexual sex scandals.
    • Molest children.
    • Cover up for any of their officials that are known to be engaging in the prior three actions.
    • Burn holy books to inflame the people to whom the books are holy.
    • Desecrate military funerals in order to promote their own whack-a-loon societal views.
    • Build lavish churches and live large at their parishioners’ expense.
    • Preach hate, intolerance or suppression toward entire groups of people because of their opposing religious views, or the way they were born.
    • Spread health-related misinformation and lies under the guise of salvation.
    • Blame the Devil (or the media) whenever they’re found to be doing something in conflict with what they preach.
    • Support a nest of blood-sucking vipers like the C-Street House.
In related news, do you remember a couple posts ago where I showed you pictures of the new tee-shirts I got for Christmas?  (OK, I got them for myself, but whatever…)  I mentioned that one of them, my “Heathen” shirt, was delivered in a Boys XL size instead of a Mens XL.
(Heathen shirt pic)

When I contacted the fine people at Café Press, they immediately sent me the proper size and said to just keep the original one they sent me.  They didn’t want it back.

That’s fine, of course… saved me a trip to the post office.  But I don’t know any XL Heathen boys… what am I going to do with a Boys XL Heathen shirt?  .

Why, have a give-away, of course!  And this one isn’t even complicated… first one that asks for it, gets it.  I’d say it would fit a small to medium-sized female so don’t think it necessarily has to go to a child.  I’m 6’3” and two hundred {cough)ty pounds and I could fit into it, although it was snug like a scuba suit.  And don’t worry, I had it on and off in about 6 seconds.  It is not befouled in any way.

Here it is, in comparison to a Mens XL from the same shipment.

Just tell me you want it in Comments (so others then know not to ask) and email me your address (and name, if you go by a nom de blogge).  Check the “Important Stuff to Know” page for my email address, if you haven’t emailed me before.

If no one claims it, I’ll be forced to donate it to an organization like the Salvation Army or Catholic Charities.

If I didn’t know that it would never again see the light of day, it might be worth doing, if only to see the looks on their faces.

45 comments:

  1. YEEHAA here, Bluz! You are officially linked in my post, H is for HEATHEN! And I went to Cafe Press and found some really cool shirts that I plan to buy for gifts!! I would love to win that shirt, even though you haven't had it on anywhere near as long as your SOCKS!!

    xoxo,
    Your Hot Arizona Auntie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OK, then. That didn't take long. You want the shirt you get the shirt. You know, with that shirt, you will have to sign off as Your Ever Engaging Hot Arizona Heathen, or YEEHAH!

      Delete
  2. I know a priest who could use that boy's XL t-shirt... for a friend.

    Working on a response to your list. First take: you CAN make better music. Doesn't mean you do. Pretty sure Bjork is a heathen... she's practically a viking. Bjork vs. Bono? Hmmm?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Point taken and accepted. Mostly I was speaking to making music that's better than 1) Hymns 2) Christian rock. I only want to hear pipe organs if they rock it like Deep Purple, Spencer Davis Group or Boston.

      Delete
  3. Heathens do make the best friends! You can actually have a conversation with heathens without having to tip-toe around subjects.

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    Replies
    1. I also meant to put in that "Heathens are hard to offend," which kind of goes to your point.

      Delete
  4. You make some really good points. You should probably also add "funny" to your list! You could also change the title to "Why non-politicians make good friends" since a lot of what you said is applicable to them as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, but it's not like religious folk can't be funny... Well, they have to work "clean," of course...

      Delete
  5. You may not wear coordinating track suits, but I could totally see you wearing coordinating Steelers gear.

    This reminds me. I was driving down to South Louisiana today when I saw a billboard that said, "Do you miss me? No, not George Bush. -God" Yes seriously. Quoted just like God was saying it.

    Oh Louisiana. WHY?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just because we wear a coordinated color scheme and everything has the same logo on it, and we bow to a shiny silver idol, doesn't make it a cult...

      Hmmm, or does it?

      Yes, God has forsaken burning bushes and archangels for communication. Now He puts up billboards.

      Delete
  6. HOLY SHIT HE CAN CLICK REPLY. Is the holy part out of line in this post?

    Anyhow, This: "We’re not ashamed of our bodies (although maybe some of us should be)" made me laugh so hard. I know of many a person who should be ashamed. Like my neighbor, who while isn't fat by any stretch of the imagination, mows her lawn in a bikini. That is, until my OTHER neighbor then took over the job for her mental sake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. “Holy shit” is always appropriate on this site, because to me, it always sound like it does in Animal House when John Belushi says it. “HOLY SHI-Tuh.”

      And yes, I’m thrilled to be able to reply to each comment and people don’t have to scroll up to see what I’m responding to. As I’ve documented before, I’m easily amused.

      Sounds like a good way to get someone else to do your chores for you. Your neighbor got Tom Sawyered.

      Delete
  7. I won! YEEHAH!

    Note to Jessica: It's Lousiana! What else do you expect? In all my years traveling to and from south LA, I have seen it all! Don't get me wrong--I love the place, but let's face it. It is sort of like going to a foreign country and with its own language no less. Where else can one "make the groceries (go grocery shopping)"!!!! And Mardi Gras is not exactly a religious festival until the day after, when one has to say, "I'm sorry I pulled my shirt up, exposing my 36D's," and then put ashes on one's face.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never minded getting the ashes, I just hated when the priest didn’t remember to put the cigar out beforehand.

      Delete
    2. You know Louisiana, better to ask forgiveness than permission.

      Delete
  8. HaHa I was able to read this post but not Judies Heathen post My computer would not load the page. Cool shirt btw

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Becky, but oh, poor Judie will be heartbroken! “Blogger” strikes again.

      Delete
  9. Forgot to pause before eating soooooooooooooooo many times with my grandmother over the holidays. God bless 'er, but I'm sure glad my Jesus-loving parents only pray before the big meals.

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    1. This always hits me at my brother’s house. His wife makes one of the boys say grace, and you know how kids are… they say the shortest grace possible as quickly as possible…like it’s one long word.

      “BlessusolordtheseayegiftsboutorceiveCriseourLordamen.”

      Delete
  10. I read all of the comments -some very true, others very funny. And all in good fun -I appreciate that:):) But that you had a t-shirt for CHRISTMAS makes me suspicious that you're not a real heathen. You may remember that that is the biggest religious feast of the year? True...heathens celebrate that one too.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. First, welcome! Thank you for recognizing that this really is all in good fun.

      Long time readers know that I grew up Catholic, which I remained until, as George Carlin once said, “I reached the age of reason.” I still enjoy the Christmas traditions of food and family, good will, decorations and nice presents. To me it’s a time to show people that you love that you care about them and revel in the fellowship, not unlike the original winter solstice celebrations that the Christians co-opted from the pagans.

      Like it or not, Christmas in America is pretty much ingrained into the culture; I continue to roll with it and take from it that which I value. It’s tradition, after all.

      Delete
  11. loved the tshirt ... and the post was fun! Your Arizona Auntie is one of my favourite bloggers!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I needed to share this with you, and considering the context of this post I thought it was the perfect setting.

    Enjoy.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RJBd8zE48A

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    1. Jessica, that is hilarious... (Parody of Our Modern Church Service). But just so you know, I came up with the idea of the Rock and Roll Mass about 20 years ago. I'm not sure how these guys pried the idea out of my head, but I'm suing. (After I stop laughing.)

      Delete
  13. Came here from YEEHAH's post... Your post gets a thumbs up from me... another heathen. :-D

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    Replies
    1. Welcome Francisca, and thank you! Heathens of the world, unite!

      Delete
  14. I love this post! Of course, Heathen can refer to those religious folks that simply are not Christian.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course; depending on the speaker. I choose to use it as "those without religion."

      Welcome!

      Delete
  15. Thank Queen Victoria and her Hapsburg husband, Albert, for most of our Christmas festoons and festivities. They loved Bling.
    An olde discusssion: Druid, "But our evergreen tree is sacred."
    Christianizer, "Ok. Just let us put our lil 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus underneath, all cute and wrapped in swaddles. Very cute. You can make money on this."
    So much for tradition. Happy Yule!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So be it. But if you and Dad hadn't continued those traditions, I wouldn't be following them now. (Well, maybe I would... presents are fun!)

      Delete
  16. I want that Tshirt, Mon, if it's still available.
    Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll buy you one. Being "Mother" has its privileges.

      Delete
  17. The whole celebration is FUN! Keeps us young in the spirit of giving and rejoicing with dear ones. Remember Winter Solstice, as you rightly mention, is the birth of light when the sun stands still before its journey toward spring and summer. If that's not "Joy to the World", noth'in is.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Well, Bluz, it seems that most of us bloggers are heathens in one form or another! Truly though, bloggers do make such good friends. For example, you kindly consented to another Guest Post for us! Who would be willing to take the time for someone else's blog, let alone write for them---and a great post at that! I will be putting it on a bit later, my heathen friend.

    So glad you did gt that shirt in the right size. Will you wear it to the next Bluzfest? Pretty please? :0

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Just another service from your friendly neighborhood heathen blogger, Cher. I'm happy to help. I'll mention it, of course, in my next post but for the time being, everyone should visit here for my guest post:
      http://askcherlock.com/2012/01/a-2012-voter’s-guide/

      Delete
  19. Love this post. smiles. Love love love it.

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  20. ps. It was the Voters Guide article that acquainted me with your writings.

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    Replies
    1. I saw your comment on Cherlock and replied, but they may not have approved it for publication yet.

      Delete
  21. As an afterthought, don't most of your points apply to ANYONE who is a good friend (aside from the Sunday thing). You DO have religious holidays you take off - they are called Super Bowl Monday, Monday Night Football Tuesday, and Sunday Night Football Monday.

    I must respectfully disagree with you on one point - I LOVE the old hymns. I can do a rousing rendition of "Oh for a Thousand Tongues to Sing" in my shower. If one believes in a higher being, some of the lyrics can be breathtaking.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I don't think so, DG. Every one of those is in opposition to a common religious trait... maybe not across all religions all the time, but across many.

    Can't agree on the hymns. Regardless of the lyrics, I find the ones I routinely heard (back when I routinely went to church) to be dull and dirgey.

    Now I will give the Baptists credit... they can get the choir rockin' and make things interesting. Back when the Catholics loosened the musical requirments, maybe if they would have went that direction, instead of trying to co-opt folk music, they might have kept my interest a bit longer.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Judie sent me your way! When our kids were young we stayed home and cooked breakfast on Sunday mornings and danced with our kids. It is a wonderful memory! We had a local preacher from a mega church and his staff that drove cars that could be sold and feed the entire Denver metro area! He stole his sons girlfriend, married her after divorcing several other wives and wore hand tailored suits and Rolexes! Owned his own private jet and claimed "you need to give to the church because God loves a cheerful giver." I was raised a Catholic and at the age of 7 and today at the age of 58 I still don't believe that baloney that I am singlehandedly responsible for hunger in China! Since China practically owns America they can fed their own people!!!! I also believe if God wanted my money for such ridiculous luxuries when people in my own community are struggling He can ask me personally!!!!! Oh, the preachers favorite bible verse "Judge lest you be judged." Matthew 7:1-2! Kinda tough to be so worldly when you might have a conscience! Ha Ha!
    A church we once attended had an arrogant priest from India! He held himself in high esteem until the mentally ill lady he was doing the wild dance with reported him to church authority! They made the front page of the Denver Post! We never saw the arrogant jerk again! Oh I have lots of stories like this! I know one thing God is good, I learned it as a kid in kindergarten. He is not interested in all the silliness of churches using His name to promote their own agenda. I also believe we will all have our day with God! He is good and kind. I think He must be sad to see how people use Him so recklessly. God does not make you kill your children! God does not whisper to you that you should blow your school up! I think people get into their own heads! Ack! I get carried away on some subjects! I better close before I write another paragraph!
    Good meeting you here. Your list is very well written! I will thank Judie for sending me over!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anne
    Welcome, Anne! And I’ll have to thank Judie for sending you over.

    I’ve written about this sort of thing a number of times. My stance isn’t against the concept of “God,” but against the crazy shit mankind does in His name. We make up all these intricate rules and then claim it’s His word. Sorry, I call ‘bullshit.’

    I did a thing on this one mega-church back in 2010… When I’d visit my buddies back in NW Ohio, we’d eventually head down I-75 to Cincinnati to see my sister, and we’d pass this giant, 62’ statue of Jesus (emerging from a lake). It was a total monstrosity, built to call attention to the mega-church where it was located.

    I looked into them and it seems they’re yet another den of thieves, demanding money from their sheep and living large on the profits.

    And I say it “was” a monstrosity because a week or so after I ran that post, the freaking thing got hit by lightning and burned down. Biggest karmic smackdown I’ve ever seen!

    You can read the church post here: http://darwinfish2.blogspot.com/2010/06/solid-rock-and-holy-rollers.html

    You can read about the fire here: http://darwinfish2.blogspot.com/2010/06/rest-in-pieces.html

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hi Bluz!

    This made me laugh. I always say my parents often curse me with the double "H" thing. I'm going to hell for being a heathen.

    I think I'm okay with it, though. ha!

    I'm having a really hard time leaving commends and going through your blog. I'll be back to visit more when blogger isn't being quite so difficult.

    Thanks for linking to Alphabe-Thursday's letter "H".

    A+

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jenny, and welcome!

      Sorry about Blogger... Could it be that the Almighty is cursing us for making light of Him, and putting a hex on our impious machinery??

      Naaaaah, it's just Blogger being wonky. Hope you can come back soon and play.

      Delete

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