The Art of the Roast

Warning: I’m posting about Friars’ Roasts today and am including some of the graphically impolite jokes from prior roasts. Go no further if easily offended.

I’ve always loved the Friars’ Roasts, going all the way back to the Dean Martin roasts of the 70s. Granted, the ones we have today are far more “industrial strength” than Dino’s were, at least the parts that were aired on TV. I’m told that in person, they were just as filthy, but because they aired on network TV, the harsh parts never made it past network Standards and Practices, or government oversight.

Because the roasts are not aired on broadcast TV, the FCC has no say over content, so cable stations are free to broadcast whatever they think the marketplace will tolerate.

Director’s DVD Commentary: The FCC only has dominion over public airwaves because that is a public resource. Therefore, cable/streaming, because we choose to pay for them, is not affected.

The roasts are the last refuge of the completely Un-PC joke, no-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners comedy. It’s the kind of stuff my friends and I used to engage in amongst ourselves, although we were nowhere near as clever. Anything was fodder for jokes back then. The bigger the taboo, the bigger the laugh.

So, if you choose to watch a roast, you should know what you’re in for. If one is squeamish about hearing jokes about sex, race, religion, divorces, family tragedies, medical issues, cosmetic surgeries, and politics, often in X-rated language, don’t tune in. (Same for this post. See warning above.)

Further, if you are famous and contemplating participating in such a roast, you can expect to have your life’s most embarrassing moments mocked and thrown in your face, and it will be brutal. If you can’t handle that, don’t go. And that’s not just the “honoree.” All the roasters get roasted as well. You shouldn’t sling it if you can’t take the returned fire.

You wouldn’t have thought so, but our famously thin-skinned president was once the “honoree” of such a roast. I heard that he told the network that the comics could rip him about any subject, including the perception that he wants to fuck his oldest daughter, just as long as no one intimated that he wasn’t as rich as he claimed (at the time). That told me that he definitely wasn’t as rich as he claimed, at least not until he found his life’s greatest grifting opportunity in the Oval Office.

Anyway, I’ve been watching the roasts forever, because I know that I’ll spend 2-3 hours laughing my face off. For the last 30 or so years, they’ve done one roast per year, usually airing on Comedy Central. Last year, they put the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. And last Saturday, they aired the roast of comic Kevin Hart, broadcast live, which I watched. It can now be called up on Netflix anytime. I presume it’s been edited since the initial broadcast. Running two hours and fifty minutes, I’m sure they can find at least 20 minutes to cut, to tighten it all up. Not every remark was gold.

How was it? Not bad. I got a lot of genuine belly laughs, but not as many as I have in the past. I think the panel of roasters was a little too uneven. Too many little-known friends and not enough seasoned comedians. Although the “surprise” appearance by The Rock was entertaining. Those two guys together are always a riot.

Mainstay Jeff Ross was there, but surprised me by being the first roaster. As a roasting legend, they usually put him on later. He still killed, but looked pretty bad (even for him.) Apparently, he recently survived cancer, so the treatments must have taken a toll. But even at his best, comic Lisa Lampanelli once roasted him by saying, “Jeff, looking at you reminds me that I need to shave my taint.”

Chelsea Handler provided the first joke I saw bubble up on my news feed this morning. She was targeting Hart and comedian Tony Hinchcliffe, who is best known for performing at a Trump rally and insulting Puerto Rico by calling it a “floating island of garbage.” Both had recently performed at a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia.

Chelsea killed with her segment. I guess she was the hot blonde comic in place of Nikki Glaser, whose career went nuclear last year after her set on the Tom Brady roast.

Every time I watch a roast, I can’t help but miss comic Greg Giraldo, who was a roasting mainstay until his passing in 2010. (Man, I had no idea that was 26 years ago. I was going to guess around 10 before I looked it up.) This guy never failed to slay me. On the roast of Joan Rivers, referring to her many cosmetic surgeries, he told her, “You look like if Steven Tyler fucked a life raft.”

To Bob Saget, he once said, “You’re an 'artist' the way Cloris Leachman is 'moist'.” (Cloris was on the dais.)

To redneck comedian, Jeff Foxworthy, he said, “You look like a guy Tonya Harding would fuck in a '78 Nova.”

To rapper Flava Flav, he said, “You look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape.”

My favorite of his was to very large (and now deceased) comic Ralphie May, “You’re the only guy in America who goes to a porno movie and cums when the guy shows up with the pizza.”

At the roast of Rob Lowe, David Spade killed me with this comment on a large-craniumed NFL quarterback who was on the dais, “Peyton Manning is the only one who’s been given more head than Rob Lowe.”

Later, Rob Lowe piled on, “Peyton is here to tell Zika babies, 'It could be much worse.'”

Pete Davidson was there last night, which reminded me of this comment of his to Martha Stewart, during the roast of Justin Bieber: “Martha, you’re so old your first period was The Renaissance.”

He also had this one that killed me, regarding host Kevin Hart and roaster Shaquille O’Neal, “It’s great to be at a roast hosted by Shaq’s dick… Shaq, thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels as Super Mario.”

Also at the Bieber roast, comedian Natasha Legero told him, “Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you. That makes her the unluckiest Selena in show biz.”

Same roast, rapper Ludacris said to a fellow rapper, “Snoop, there are not a lot of Black billionaires, just Dr. Dre, and the guy who sells you weed.”

I could go on all day but I’d better wrap this up, so here’s one of the best digs I ever heard, which came from comic Anthony Jeselnik while roasting Charlie Sheen, ”Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law and Order SVU.”

Good night, and tip your waitresses.

 

Director’s DVD Commentary: Lest you think I memorized all those quotes, or spent the day looking them up, I didn’t. One of the notes I keep on my Notes phone app is a list of favorite roast quotes, collected over the years of watching them. I often open it up whenever I need a quick giggle. And yeah, as you probably suspect, the only reason I posted on roasts today was to use some of the quotes.