That BK Ad

Rarely has a newspaper cartoon captured my exact thoughts as perfectly as this one did last week:

Thank you “Pearls Before Swine” for being a beacon of clarity.

This series of Burger King commercials, (you know the ones, unless you’ve been watching nothing but Netflix lately) has been driving me buggy since their onset a few years ago.

I’m going to dip into the long-neglected training from my Radio/TV/Film major college days and discuss this commercial in detail, from what they’re trying to do to why it irritates me and so many others.

One of the main things I learned was that every single thing you see in a commercial is put there to serve a purpose. Nothing is there by accident, especially in big national spots like these.

Every actor, setting, prop, costume, and graphic is there for a reason, usually as an unspoken message or reinforcement aimed at the demographic they’re trying to reach.

(Stupid local ads for car dealerships, lawyers, home improvement, and the like are a category unto themselves, where often the ad creators are just doing what the egocentric business owner tells them to. "Seriously, my customers love it when I yell car prices at them!")

If you ARE a Netflix devotee and have been fortunate enough to miss them, there’s a series of BK commercials wherein they do “updates” of their old 70s jingle, using someone who can’t sing.

If you’re anywhere close to my age, you remember the original jingle:

“Hold the pickle hold the lettuce,

Special orders don’t upset us.

All we ask is that you let us

Serve it your way.

Have it YOUR way,

Have it your Way, at Burger KING.”

At first, I was happy about the new ad series because it meant the end of their creepy “King-face mask” character that looks like a picture of Charlemagne from an old history textbook.

But now, their more recent ads are a travesty to anyone who takes Weird Al’s work seriously. There’s an art to creating an effective parody, or in this case, jingle refurbishment. You have to make it as close to the original as possible, optimally, using the same rhyming sounds and number of syllables per line as found in the original.

The new jingles sound like they are written by AI. They’re basically reciting menu items with descriptions from internal marketing memos, forced into the rhythm of the original jingle. The rhymes are elementary and they frequently jam far too many syllables into a line not designed to handle them. Or not enough.

One of them that’s running now is for the BK Melt. They stretch the word “melt” over five different notes, where five different words should be if you’re doing it right.

Instead of “Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce…” the lyric is “BK me-eh-eh-eh-elt…”

Deadpool would call it “lazy writing” and I agree. Maybe Mariah Carey can pull that off but not this guy. Which brings me to the next point.

For the voice, they use that of a non-threatening Black guy. Think “Jake from State Farm,” who’s basically Ned Flanders without the verbal flourishes. “Jake” started as a schlubby white guy before State Farm decided to make him a central character and they needed him to look cool bouncing around with Patrick Mahomes.

I presume they’re aiming for a lower to middle-class audience, with the identifiably Black voice, but not so Black as to scare off the white folks… looking for a sort of “everyman.” I mean, BK isn't going after Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse patrons, are they? And whoever this guy is, he can’t carry a tune. He kind of talk-sings like young children often do when they think they’re singing but really aren’t. Most of us can’t sing, so maybe they’re trying to seem relatable.

The original jingle used correct pronunciation. This one always elides the “your way” into “have it yer way.” This is another “everyman” touch, reaching out to people who don’t have time for fancy cooking or diction, and just want to be face-deep in a Whopper before they even pull out of the drive-thru.

And the last of the verbal tricks is that final “YOU RULE,” when the jingle is done, which is nothing but a transparent attempt to flatter the audience. “Yes, I rule. I am the King of the Value Menu! Bow before your Liege!”

The music tries to update the original tune with more electronica, but mostly drums. The drum sounds bounce around all over the place, making 30 seconds worth of impotent racket, like a drum fill that lasts for the entire jingle. And I say “impotent” because the drums sound like someone playing on shoe boxes, or just tapping an open mic. “Bup bup bup bup bup… mic check…” Maybe it’s a generational thing but to me, drums are supposed to thunder, not sound like Morse Code.

They also add some common tricks you’ll find elsewhere like stretching out the BEE sound in BK. It’s the “cheese” effect of picture-taking. When someone is holding a long E sound, it subconsciously evokes a smile. Applebee’s does this in their ads too.

And the same goes for extending the “ssssss” on the line where they rhyme "Shroom and Swiss" with “hunger blisssss.” The extended S also evokes a smile, like the long E. They must really want us to think their place is one happy kingdom.

If they’re that tired of coming up with new lyrics and rhymes, maybe they should just put this one to bed and try something else, maybe something original. Sure, they already owned the rights to the “Hold the Pickle" melody, so it was the cheap option. Maybe they can sponsor a nationwide search for a new jingle. They can make it for amateurs only so then when they find a good one, it’ll be that much easier to screw the artist on the copyright revenue.

“You want your jingle on national TV? Sign the papers.”

Then they can go back to milking that “everyman” vibe for all it’s worth. And maybe we can watch BK ads again without wanting to jam pencils into our ears.

I Long for Yesterday

I managed to avoid coverage, yesterday, of the beginning of the end of our democracy. From what I’ve heard, I didn’t miss anything but the groundwork being laid for an administration rife with misinformation, lies, greed, and callous disregard for public service. And sitting right up front were the filthy rich, without whose direct involvement, the average American might still have a chance.

Well, Red America, you got what you wanted. How’d you like that immediate raising of Medicare drug prices? At least it’s not eggs, right? (Yet.)

And today’s snowstorms on the Gulf Coast and other southern states? Get used to it. There will be no more attention paid to climate change, the results of which we’ve been getting hammered with for the last decade. Yes, I know your limited information leaves you wondering why global warming makes it cold, but that’s what happens when Arctic ice melts and airflow patterns change, pushing jet streams out of their usual places. But sure, pull out of the Paris climate accords, so we’re one of four countries not included (along with the climate geniuses in Yemen, Iran, and Libya). You and Fox “News” are right and the rest of the civilized and uncivilized world is wrong. You betcha.

And with the new bird flu on the horizon, our nation’s health will be handed over to some schmuck with zero medical experience and a lot of wrong ideas about medicine that has eradicated diseases from the modern world for a century.

We’ll need to bring in a mathematician to keep track of all the needless deaths from disease, medical neglect, and insurance logjams, that is, if there is anyone left who remembers how to math.

The thing I’m most distressed about is that there is no longer a mechanism for sounding the alarm about what the consequences will be when 47’s actions bear fruit. The news industry has given up investigation and reporting in favor of cheerleading because the big businesses that own all the networks and newspaper companies decided to abandon their journalistic obligations in lieu of currying favor with the once and current emperor. Social media CEOs have turned belly up as well, dashing the idea of fact-checking and preventing life-threatening disinformation from taking root on their platforms. The only people who want to get rid of fact-checking are habitual liars, who need their bullshit to spread unimpeded. But that’s who they’re throwing in with, to keep those ad dollars flooding in.

Once upon a time, journalists stood tall and firm, united against autocrats. There are still some out there too, if only their boardroom overlords would allow their voices to be heard. (Hi Jim Acosta! Hope you enjoy your new overnight shift at CNN!)

No, this new administration laid the groundwork with threats and clandestine meetings, to make sure that their own statements would be amplified, with any opposition reduced to lone voices, wailing in the distance. To disobey would mean an onslaught of federal lawsuits, IRS audits, and costly new regulations. Naturally, there wasn’t a strong backbone to be found amid the business world nor the political one, not even the Democrats. They seem to have accepted their servitude and oncoming irrelevance and disappeared into the woodwork. Nice going fellas… and be sure to keep sending those fundraising emails! Be sure to list all your “accomplishments,” too.

It won’t be long before they come for the bloggers too. The Imbecile in Chief will put pressure on the platform bosses and next thing you know, they’ll have moved “content management” from Facebook to Blogger, from Twitter to WordPress. Maybe we’ll have to resort to smoke signals. You know the EPA won’t step in… there will no longer BE an EPA. It’ll disappear right along with the Department of Education. That way, Americans not only get poisoned by the air and water, they won’t even know how to read the warnings. (You know, from bloggers’ smoke signals. It’s not like they’re going to hear about it on the news.)

And the worst part of all this? Even if, by some miracle, there IS a massive case of Buyer’s Remorse, come November 2028, we can’t expect that there will be an honest election. Guess who’s already working on putting more limits and restrictions on voting.

This 100% follows the Republican playbook wherein they create a prevailing atmosphere of suspicion around the voting process and then “fix” it in a way that plays to their advantage. (Like only having the upper crust vote.) By the time they’re done, the only way we get to place a vote will be with a secret code that they only give you upon completion of your MBA.

I think President Biden did the best job he could, under the circumstances. He left the country in good shape so that the blame for any tanking will fall on the new Administration, at least until Fox and friends can jerry-rig a way to call a spade a club and blame the Democrats anyway.

I’m glad he distributed pardons to Dr. Fauci, the 1/6 Committee, and his family. If the Republicans are going to use the Justice system to play offense, the least we can do is play some defense. There’s no doubt in my mind that they would follow through with these threatened prosecutions despite zero evidence of wrongdoing, even if it was just to make their adversaries pay out the nose for massive legal fees. That can set you up for a world of hurt… just ask Rudy. Although this is America, even after working day and night to overthrow a free election, he still gets to keep his World Series rings.

What a great time to be a white, male, Republican.

Not Exactly Sophie's Choice

It almost seems like the Republicans have boxed themselves into a corner here.

On the one hand, they want to renew the massive 2017 tax cut package, which will limit incoming dollars. They also want to launch a costly, unprecedented military action to round up undocumented immigrants to deport them.

But on the other hand, they say they want to reduce the deficit, too. Accomplishing both of these things is basically impossible.

On the campaign trail they make it seem like there is oodles of excess pork just waiting to be cut, to offset their ethnic cleansing wet dreams, but in reality, discretionary spending makes up very little of the overall budget. Once the math is done, it’s clear that their tax cuts for the rich will balloon the deficit even further. So what will they do?

They’ll pass the tax cuts, guaranteed. Because that’s what their rich donors put them in office to do. And they’ll find a way to blame Democrats for it, you watch. They’re already beefing about how much the California firefighting and projected recovery will cost, and like anything that happens in Cali, from fires to earthquakes to Oscar snubs, they blame Democrats.

Republicans only truly care about the deficit when the Democrats are in office. That’s when they rail for austerity and want to cut programs that help the average citizen, like Social Security and Medicare. They use the deficit as a lever to get rid of programs they don’t like. But once they have control of the government, like now, they throw open the vault doors like it’s a Billionaire Toga Party with multi-million dollar swag bags. They’re happy to let the next Democrat Administration come in and try to clean up the mess (and attack them for not doing it fast enough.)

Good luck keeping the Democrats united to stop them. I think the rich donor class has figured out by now that they need to buy themselves a few Democrats they can count on to vote with the Republicans every so often to counter any straying members of their own. Manchin and Sinema are gone, but I’m sure they’ve been replaced.

And now that the GOP is back in control, you can see how they’re already trying to embed themselves there, like a tick. Here’s one example of how they’ll do it:

The Felonious Guy (TFG) wants to dismantle the Post Office. It’s a double win for them… on the one hand, the mail gets privatized and farmed out to UPS, DHL, Amazon, etc. So Big Delivery gets a shot in the profits at the expense of us raggedy consumers.

The other benefit is it will throw a monkey wrench into efforts to expand or even maintain mail-in voting, which currently provides an end-around to their voter suppression tactics like under-assignment of voting machines, reduction of early voting, and sanctions against aiding people in line. (And those tactics are targeted at Democratic strongholds, of course.)

Whether they can do this is up in the air. After all, the Postal Service is provided for in the Constitution, and anything so based is hard to alter. It's not impossible, though, not with the Republican lapdogs in the Supreme Court.

Crossroads

I apologize for not having a post up on Monday. It was my first day back to work since 12/19 and by the time I was done catching up, I didn’t feel like sitting at the computer desk anymore.

But the main issue is that I am at a loss right now and don’t know what to do.

With TFG about to regain power, I feel like I’ve already done this before. I (and many others) have spent four years fighting and writing against his outrageous behavior and absurd actions, and then four more years defending President Biden from dishonest attacks amid massive amounts of misinformation. But none of it made a lick of difference because here we are, about to do it all over again.

This guy hasn’t even taken office yet and he’s already talking about renaming the Gulf of Mexico,  invading Panama and Greenland, and annexing Canada. I mean, seriously?

I understand that this may merely be his opening bid, something so outrageous it thrills his minions and keeps international leaders on edge, but something from which he will retreat and end up with what he really wants. (Appeasing Putin.)

But if he goes through with purging the military of independent minds, who’s left to stop him from executing the original plan? He doesn’t give a shit about Congress. As long as he has an enforcement arm to do his bidding, we’ll be looking at the Reign of the Boy-King Joffrey. We’d better get Peter Dinklage a Cabinet job, pronto.

One pimp slap, coming up…

A (slim) majority of people voted for this buffoon. He may be an idiot, but he’s their idiot and they’ll find a way to blame every one of his shortcomings on someone else. They don’t care if he lies, they don’t care if he cheats, they don’t care if he makes a mockery of justice, they don’t care if he loots the freakin’ treasury and cuts programs they rely on… He’s their guy, ride or die.

How do you combat that? Facts, logic, evidence, data, none of it matters. The naked emperor has clothes on and they’re better than anyone else’s.

Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll have a massive heart attack and piss off for good, leaving the rest of the Republicans fighting each other for power, with none charismatic enough to lead the MAGA dullards.

So, like I said, I don’t know what to do with myself now.

I may have to find something else to write about for a while. The political beat has been a real load.

I’ll just have to see how I feel next week.

Meanwhile, somebody get the President-Elect a big, fat, well-done prime rib.