Wednesday, June 9, 2010

How Did We Get Here From THERE?

I got this email the other day that had a series of old magazine ads.  Wow, have we ever come a long way in our national attitudes... most of us, anyway.  There are still pockets of resistance here and there, but whattya gonna do?  So let's look at some of these ads... they can't be that bad, can they?  I mean, this is America!
(Note: you can click any of these images to see a larger version.)


Wow... right out of the gate... woman as "doormat."  Or is it "conquest?"  I can't even tell what this is an ad for... (Stupid small print)  Leggs?  How does this sell pantyhose?

Jon Benet Ramsey - The Pre-quel.  Coming to a molester near you.

Two smoking Santas... you wonder if he ever singed his beard.  "If it's good enough for a beloved fictional character, it's good enough for me."

"When Dr. Emphysema tells you to 'turn your head and cough', he beats you to it."   Personally, I don't trust anyone that looks like Spiro Agnew.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  And you're supposed to BUY something that has this picture in the ad???  Someone's going to have to rock me to sleep, tonight.

"Yes, I can squeeze a bowling ball out from my lady-parts, but I can't open this lil' old ketchup bottle!  Please help me, Del Monte!"

Just like the Lutherans... hooking them while they're young.  I'm betting there's some Seagrams in there too.

Whoa!  Quoting the ad: "...if he discovers you're still taking chances on getting flat, stale coffee... woe be unto you!"  Woe be unto you???  Who's running that ad agency, Leviticus?  Did they really spank over coffee back in the day?  I never saw that on Ozzie and Harriet.  Although I suspect Desi might have turned Lucy over his knee a time or two.  

Ooh, dusting in heels... Crazy Brunette, is that your grandmother?  I love the dusting apron.

This one really isn't that bad of an idea.  It's just very sneaky.  The jewelery business has been using this angle for years.

I'm only including this one because I used to collect beer cans, back before I was old enough to empty them myself.  And the flat-top can was always a big find.  Now admit it... did you really know that you used to have to use a can opener (called a "churchkey") to open a beer?  (Fan, Dog, Bagger, I know you know...)

I wish you could see the type on this one, but it's an ad for... get this... Lysol-Brand Douche!  Ahhhh-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa.  I can just see it... "Oh my, I don't feel so fresh... ~pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht~  Yay!  I feel so much better now!  I can tear down these giant cobwebs my husband somehow spun. Where's my apron?  Where are my heels?"

Oh.  Yeah.  She'll follow your heinous smoke-breath anywhere.  Like to a dentist's office to clean those second-hand yellow teeth.
But then again, it worked on Sugar Snow.

And you wonder where all the "boy bands" got their start... By putting their heads together around a Bradley Group Shower.  Why didn't they just call it, "Sausage-Fest Plumbing"?

35 comments:

  1. Lysol brand Douche??? A 50's Biggee.
    Where are the censors when they are needed. This shit is obscene.

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  2. CB,
    I wonder if Santa blows smoke in the elves faces to get them to follow him.

    Mary Ann,
    What's next, constipation medicine by Roto Rooter?

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  3. Wow. Where do we begin? First of all, that photo of the little-fry made me almost vomit. Then I had to do a double take...that wasn't an adult, that really was a little girl!!!

    The lysol douche. Nice.

    Spanking the wife should only be in the nude. None of this heels and slips and junk.

    PEP vitamins? Husband needs some Viagara.

    That santa's SMOKIN'.

    And if a guy were to blow a smoke in my face, I'd rip his ciggie from him so fast and stick it in his eyeball.

    But that's just me.

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  4. Cassie,
    Regarding the smoke blowing, I believe you would! Maybe that's what happened to the guy in that creepy Thorazine ad...

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  5. HA!!! Damn how could I have missed that shit???? That bitch totally could have been my Grandma!!!!!

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  6. this was so funny. and the spanking looked sort of fun.

    i'm easy, apparently. smoke a marlboro and drink a Genny Cream and I am yours. Unless CB gets to you first, because she likes bar mouth on a guy, too.

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  7. CB,
    I was wondering why you didn't mention it! It's not like you to miss a promotional chance.

    Sugar,
    Geez, I might as well chuck my Listerine and flash strips... Dragon-breath drives the chicks crazy!

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  8. only the highest quality women.

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  9. Well, I may just have to rethink my whole strategy now. Who knew? Maybe I should throw some coffee into the mix, to boot...

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  10. add motorcycles on ice and you are IN.

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  11. Gotta have a leather jacket to go with the motorcycle... or should I stick with the overalls?

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  12. "Leather chaps"? What do British bikers have to do with anything? Try to keep up, there, Cassie...

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  13. i saw that baby at a phillies gme last week!!!

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  14. Fan,
    I thought I saw him at the Flyers game last night. He had broken the bottle off in his little fist and was trying to get over the glass, onto the ice.

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  15. I was looking for something brilliant to say here, but lucky for me...ignorance dominates these sick and twisted little ads...so really, need I say more??
    Oh except...you know a man was behind all this crap. hahahaha

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  16. Sassy, my Canadian Idol,
    Of course men were behind these ads... the women were all at home dusting in heels and getting spanked.

    Thanks so much for bringing the original email to my attention. I hope I have provided suitable shock and dismay.

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  17. You know, someday the Viagra et. al. ads are going to be on a blog like this, but instead of for the obvious stuff, it'll be because the guy and gal are sitting naked in SEPARATE tubs, gazing into the distance. What kind of freak can you get on if you're in SEPARATE tubs?!? Geesh.

    These were hilarious! :)

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  18. Those ads are horrible!! And I thought advertising today was bad!

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  19. OH MY GOD!!!! I don't know what else to say. Horrifying, especially the first two. But they're all bad.

    Maybe we have come a long way! Or at least we just hide it.

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  20. Cristy,
    What I want to know is how they get the freaking tubs out there on the edge of the lake? Are they on wheels or something? And if so, do thing they race them?

    Raven & Guy,
    Right, just when you thought our ads now couldn’t get any more ridiculous, you look at these and realize how far we’ve come.

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  21. No matter how much one hates feminism, shit like this illustrates why it was necessary. Jeebusfuck, that's awful.

    bluz, come play in the Batcave with us.
    http://www.superficialgallery.com/Forums/index.php

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  22. Vange,
    They seem like ads from another country, but this is the era that the conservatives all seem to want to return to. Not that I would mind some high heel dusting and spankings, but it's just not right.

    Sure, it's easy for you to say come out and play... it's 11:00 here in Baltimore... what's that out in AZ? 4:30? (checking the synchronized Blutarsky watch...)

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  23. Fricking hilarious, scary, sad and just down right creepy!

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  24. Lysol douche? NO. Just NO. If I have a "problem" that I think for even one second requires effing LYSOL, then I'm going to the E.R., thanks.

    Dear God almighty Jesus, these ads are SCARY.

    (However, there are many, many Polaroids of me from when I was about a year old with a straw stuck in the three-liter bottles of Coke my grandparents used to keep on the floor next to their refrigerator.)

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  25. Bachelor Girl,
    Looking at those ads, one really must wonder just how 2nd class of citizens women were… I guess it’s GOOD that these things look so incomprehensible now.

    I bet the 3-liter Coke weighed more than you did…

    I don’t think we ever had pop in out house until I was in high school. (Except Dad’s Fresca when he was dieting, and that was strictly off limits to us chilluns.) But the Grandparents were always good for providing the sodas. They used to get these big variety packs with grape, orange, root beer, cream soda, lemon-lime… I used to love that stuff!

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  26. You should read my best friend's blog, Unapologetically Female! She posts ads like these all of the time, and they blow my mind.

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  27. I will check her out.

    What, is "Unapologetically" some kind of blogging cult?

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  28. Nothing with Santa spanking a woman while smoking and handing a freshly opened Schlitz to the baby?

    Lysol douche is just amazing. Did it have scrubbing bubbles?

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  29. Old ads are hilarious. I have a old cigarette ad framed and hanging in my house despite the fact that I am super-anti-tobacco. I have a relative who was a Zeigfeld girl and a model and she is in the ad. I recognized her in the ad hanging in my company's MD office and they gave it to me. Pretty cool.

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  30. Bagger,
    I tell you, I was laughing out loud when I realized that ad was for Lysol Douche… The mental image alone slayed me.

    “Pssssssssssht! Ooh, tingly!”

    What’s next, Endust Deodorant? Pledge Acne Cream?


    Gina,
    In general, I’m not against ciggy ads unless they’re aimed at children, but the ones that suggest that smoking is good for you, or “Santa Approved” just defy explanation. Different time, I guess.

    One of my life’s highlights was when they finally passed a law banning smoking in bars, here in Maryland. I was so sick of coming home, (usually after having to go watch the Steelers in a sports bar) reeking to high heaven, and having my eyes all red and burning. I always seemed to end up sitting beside some old drunk that chain-smoked one after another for 3 hours.

    Pretty cool about the Zeigfield girl in the ad.

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