Scene: Press Conference at the Darwinfish2 Offices
At the Podium: Penguins fan known as “bluzdude”. He is wearing a dirty, torn Penguins tee shirt and a Penguins ball cap, which is askew. Though freshly showered, he appears to have a 2-day beard growth, a bad mullet and looks haggard. Girlfriend “Pinky” stands just off his right shoulder, looking glum.
Full Text of the Prepared Statement:
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, members of the blogosphere, Penguins fans everywhere and the players and coaches of the Pittsburgh Penguins,
As you know, on the night of May 12th, the Pittsburgh Penguins lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Semi-finals to the Montreal Canadiens. I stand here today, before you, to state unequivocally before you, that I alone accept the blame for this tragic turn of events.
Some may say that it was poor goaltending that led to this playoff ouster. Other say it was a lack of scoring by the Penguins’ young stars. Still others point out a lack of defensive responsibility. But I’m here to tell you that the Penguins lost because of my lackluster effort in Mojo Execution.
While it has always been my intent to represent the Penguins organization with class, attention to detail and devotion, I admit that I was off my game for this series. I allowed myself to be put into positions where I was doing what was best for me and what felt good at the time, instead of focusing on what was best for the team. I was out performed, out rooted and out mojo’d by the Montreal fans. That is something that just can’t happen and I’ll have to live with it for the rest of my days.
I’ll take your questions now.
Reporter: What did you do to cause the playoff collapse?
bluzdude: First of all, I admit that I was completely irresponsible for celebrating too hard over the loss of the Washington Capitals. There was smiling, giggling and even the posting of jokes on my own blog. This just can’t be allowed to happen. And I know better than that! I know that celebrating a foe’s defeat, especially a defeat to your future opponent, is a complete invitation to the Hockey Gods to produce a karmic smackdown.
Reporter: What actions are you taking to prevent such an outbreak in the future?
bluzdude: Immediately following this press conference, I’m checking myself into the Pat Robertson International Clinic for Kicking Schadenfreude, more commonly known as “PRICKS”.
Reporter: Were there other areas you can specify where you were responsible for the team’s failure?
bluzdude: During the Montreal series and even going back to the Ottawa series, I was not able to properly identify game jersey or tee shirt trends. I went to the well too many times with the same jersey where I should have been able to better read the data and make adjustments.
Reporter: What about in-game adjustments?
bluzdude: In-game apparel changes never work. The only recognizable effect comes from pre-game preparation and I have to admit that mine was severely lacking. I should have been able to spot that each jersey I wore was only good for one win. Our losses came when I tried to wring a second win from the same jersey. It was a rookie mistake and I should have been able to read the tea leaves there to make game-to-game adjustments.
Reporter: Was there anything else?
bluzdude: Yes, probably the worst thing. (heavy sigh) I was unprepared for the start of Game 7. When the puck was dropped, I was still at my computer, pecking away on my puny little blog. Then during the time I was in my room, putting on my jersey, Sid took that boarding penalty. And when I went into the kitchen to pour my night’s libation, Montreal scored their first goal.
I know it was only 30 seconds into the game but that, my friend, is a lack of preparation on my part and like I said, it’s something that I just can’t allow to happen.
Reporter: Is it true that you improperly touched your Penguins Gnome before the Pens’ first home loss?
bluzdude: No, that’s enough for right now. My agent will have more for you in the morning. All I can say right now, to the boys in the locker room and the entire Penguins Nation, is that I’m sorry. I know better than to behave like this and I will do everything in my power to make it up to you next season. Thank you and goodnight.