Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Odd Bits - The Pennsylvania Edition

Forbes just ranked Pittsburgh as the #1 most livable city in the country.  Yes, really.  You can see for yourself here.

They ranked cities in a number of qualities: Low Unemployment, Low Crime, Income Growth, Low Cost of Living, and Arts & Leisure.

Obviously, they over looked Trying to Get Where You’re Going Without Getting Hopelessly Lost or Stuck in Construction Traffic for 4 Goddamn Hours.  That might have affected the curve a bit.

When you build a city around a triangle, there are no such things as roads that run parallel.

Mr. Ovechkin, Your Foursome is Up
The Washington Capitals getting bounced early from the Stanley Cup Playoffs again had given rise to another sly joke.  (Yinz may have already heard this… I first saw it on the Pensblog’s comments.)

Customer: Bartender, I’d like to order an “Ovechkin”.

Bartender: What’s that?

Customer:  It’s a White Russian, without a Cup.

Wooooooooooooooo!

Tased and Confused
I saw an article today about how a Philadelphia Phillies fan got onto the field and ran around the outfield until he was tasered by security.

Some were complaining about unnecessary force being used.  I disagree.  Personally, I would recommend using a taser on everyone that entered the stadium to see the Phillies, Eagles or Flyers, just on principle.

But seriously, if you don’t want to get tased, keep your ass in your seat.  Bad things can happen when you forget that rule.  Taser kid probably got off light.

You remember what happened when that jackass in Cleveland ran onto the field during a game against the Steelers?  James Harrison came up behind the guy, picked him up and powerslammed his ass into the turf.

This makes sense to me.  You want to mix with the players?  Button up, buttercup, because there may be a guy out there that doesn’t tolerate such foolishness.

I remember as a kid seeing a player for the Baltimore Colts take care of some idiot that ran on the field.  It was a linebacker named Mike Curtis… as I remember it, the fan came running by and Curtis swung his arm out and clothes-lined the guy.

I have no sympathy for these clowns.  Stay off the field.  Period.  Next sentence.  Because the players don’t know what ‘s going to happen.   Remember when that father and son duo came out of the stands and assaulted the first base coach at a White Sox game?  Hell, some slob could run out there with a bomb, for all we know.

It’s like when these drunks climb into a polar bear pit or lion’s exhibit at a zoo.  Can’t blame the animals… they do what they do.  Don’t want to get mauled?  Stay out of the cage.  There!  Problem solved.

Wonderful World of Words
“Shat.” 

What a great word.  I wish I could fit it into more conversations.  Regardless of what it refers to, I think it makes you sound sophisticated to say it.

I’m always reminded of how much I like the word when I hear the song “La Resistance” from the South Park Movie soundtrack.

It’s a rousing medley, primarily sung by a snobby kid with a faux British accent, about the nobility of your death when participating in Revolution:

“They’ll cut your dick in half
And serve it to a pig,
And though it hurts, you’ll laugh
And dance a dickless jig,
But that’s the way it goes,
The more you’re shat upon,
Though you die, La Resistance lives on.”

See?  Classy!

Train Train
Now to conclude, (because the Pens’ playoff game is coming on in a half hour), I wanted to post a clip I recently found.

Remember back when I was posting my music biz memoirs, waaaaaaaaay back in March?  One of the posts talked about meeting legendary Nashville fiddler, Mark O’Connor, and talking with him about his amazing version of the “Orange Blossom Special.”

If I had half a brain, I’d have looked for it on YouTube at the time, but I was too stupid never thought about it.  Now that I’ve stumbled on it, I’ve gotta run it.  And you have to click it!  Just watch it take off, right after the awesome harmonica solo.  This is shit-kicking at its best.  (Or is it “shat-kicking”?)  I'll restate what I told Mr. O'Connor in person... listening to this song is like a religious experience, because they the time it's done, all you can say is "Jesus Christ!"

28 comments:

  1. oh my, I about shat myself reading this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow. thats 6 minutes of good entertainment right there. and forget the fiddle and harp.....what about the drummer? that sick F has to keep that beat going for 6 minutes!!! he has more in common with a death metal drummer than that crowd would like to admit. i still get tired halfway into Hot For Teacher.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh, and i had a great aunt who was german who was married to a polish guy. she used to say "shite" all the time, so as not to curse in front of us young ones.....or maybe that was just "shit" in another language or vernacular?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Woman,
    Not THAT'S the spirit! This shat is contageous.

    Fan,
    Funny, that's what O'Connor stressed the most about that song when he talked about it... how the drummer had to practice for months to keep that insane tempo, then speed it up!

    "Shite" is a term I've heard from the British, quite often... like "working class" British.

    ReplyDelete
  5. 1. I think Pittsburgh is highly livable. Why? Because I live in the suburbs.

    2. Ba-da-ching! (Plus I got that texted to me last week.)

    3. You really think a baseball player, let alone a Phillies player would actually hurt a fan that ran out of the field? I'm sure they were just crapping their pants that someone gave a shat that they were frozen in dumbstruck awe. (Or is it that I'm just used to the Pirates and their shat-tastic skills?)

    4. See above comment.

    Lastly, Claire just said she had to "Poopy." I told her, "NO, you have to shat." She looked confused.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cassie,
    Guaranteed... Claire will drop the Shat-bomb sometime when it's most inappropriate. Kids never forget stuff like that!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Coming from her little face, it'll slay the room.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I like triangles. They are my favorite shape. Just call me Telly.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The one-ways and crazy street closures are how we identify out-of-towners. And then honk at them.

    "Button up, buttercup" - FANTASTIC line. I can just hear Harrison growling it right before he tackled that guy.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Vange,
    That reminds me of this old bit that Howie Mandel used to do in his standup act…

    “Everyone’s getting into shape now, so I figured I’d get into shape too. And the shape I’ve chosen is a triangle.”

    If it was me, I’d say the shape I was shooting for is “bowling pin.”

    DG,
    For some reason, I was channeling Principal Ed Rooney on that “buttercup” line…

    I think the only thing going through “Silverback’s mind when he’s on the field is, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’mo keel youuuuuuuu.”

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, I agree. Stay the F off the field!! What the hell was this guy thinking.

    That Ovechkin joke is pretty funny. They don't tell those types of jokes around here, but we don't have Sydney Crosby on our team.

    I visited Pittsburgh one time and I LOVED IT! Seriously, one of the best weekends of my life. I can see why it's voted so high. I hear great things about it all the time. Really!! Seems affordable, fun and rejuvenated.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't think I meant rejuvenated, but I couldn't think of the exact word. You get my drift.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Now I have the song Train Train stuck in my head. WTF?

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't think I have ever read a blog post that honored the word SHAT so eloquently. Awesome!
    My brothers and I use that word quite often with our mother. Apparently she has IBS and a weak colon - not a good mix - basically, if she says, "Ohhhh my tummy." That means, get mom the HELL OUT OF THE CAR BEFORE SHE SHATS HERSELF. And it's serious because it happens. It's explosive shat. You don't want to mess with it.

    That's too cool about Pittsburg. I knew a guy from there who was probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met. Then again, not sure why he moved...?

    As for tasering the crackheads that jump onto the field. I've heard they really don't feel it since that part of the brain is already fried. I apologize to any crack smokers. *not that there's anything WRONG with that* :-)

    Visiting from the guy's perspective site. I dig your name and energy. Bluzzzzzz!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Most of this is sports stuff, which means I understand it not at all, but I am particularly fond of the phrase, "Button up, buttercup."

    I can't wait to use it in conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  16. While Pittsburgh was ranked number one, I wonder if those who did the ranking were ever on the Parkway East---anytime of the day. And signs? What signs? It is so confusing! Those of us who live here know the way to the best spots and some round-about ways of getting there due to construction, but geez, I would hate to be a stranger.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Guy,
    Rejuvenation is the perfect word. The city has undergone massive rejuvenation from a center of production and industry to that of education, business and medicine. Is there a more picturesque cityscape to be seen from the Blimp on Monday Night Football? (OK, I’ll give you San Francisco…)

    I absolutely love the occasions when we travel there on a football (or hockey) weekend and stay downtown, right on The Point, and walk either over the bridge to Heinz Field, or go up Grant St. to The Igloo.

    I saw that another fan ran onto the field in Philadelphia the night after the other guy did. The crowd started yelling “Tase Him, Tase Him…”

    Figures… Now that the Philly crowd has had their appetite whetted for human spectacle, how long before they start trotting out gladiators onto the field at The Linc? How long before they bring out a bunch of hapless losers to be beaten senseless for the crowd’s entertainment?

    I mean besides the Eagles.

    Woooooooooo!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sorry, Gina, but you have to admit; it could be worse.

    Having Blackfoot stuck in your head is a good place to be!

    If you get bored, switch to Highway Song!

    Or actually click the link to “Orange Blossom Special”, for immediate replacement.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hi Angelia,
    Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words. “The Guys” site is one of my favorites… Always some thought-provoking stuff there.

    Now this site? I’m always up for talking shat… Hope to have you come back and play.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Bachelor Girl
    Oh come now… one needn’t understand sports to appreciate the electrifying capture of some idiot that runs onto a ball field… Nor does it take any sports expertise to appreciate the elegance of the word “shat.”

    “Button up, buttercup,” come from Principal Rooney in the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I know the movie is technically before your time, but I’m sure you know it. Why it popped into my head at that particular moment in the writing process, I have no idea. Sometimes my typing fingers are possessed and I have no clue what they’ve created until I’m done.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Cher,
    They probably mean it's a great place to live, if you've already lived there for some time.

    As I've mentioned in prior posts, I'm VERY apprehensive about finding my way around Pittsburgh with out a native riding shotgun.

    I wonder if you can program a GPS with "Yinzer."

    ReplyDelete
  22. I wonder if you can program a GPS with "Yinzer."

    Would be in the voice of Myron Cope, no doubt. (Or worse yet, Sophie Mazloff).

    ReplyDelete
  23. OMG, DG... I would LOVE a GPS with Myron on it. Coming up with the material could be a blog post in and of itself!

    "Yoi! You missed the turn! What's on yer cranium?"

    ReplyDelete
  24. My husband is going to LOVE that Ovechkin joke.

    ReplyDelete
  25. RPM,
    It’s great to use on unsuspecting Caps fans, especially in a bar situation.

    But I’m a little wary of using it… don’t want any karmic spillover on our current playoff run…

    ReplyDelete
  26. So many more people would go to baseball games if the Pierogie race was replaced with taze the drunk idiot college student. They tazed him until he shat himself! Yeah!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Bagger, I think that is a terrific idea. Then you could give out awards for longest run before tasing, and most twitching afterwards.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are like 'crack' to a blogger... Please help me get my 'fix' by leaving a comment! And be sure to check back for my reply. Consider it the Afterparty!