Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Odd Bits - Vacation Leftovers Edition

I still have some random ideas on scraps of paper left over from my trip back to Ohio, so in an effort to empty my mental in-box, as well as clean off my desk, I thought I’d spill them out all over you today construct another informative “Odd Bits” post. 

The Deferens Rests
I may be the oddest friend ever.  You know how sometimes when old buddies get together; they come up with some kind of group bonding activity?  Like getting tattoos, or taking a road trip, or building some kind of large leisure equipment?  Guess what I suggested.

Bluz:  Hey have you guys ever thought about getting vasectomies?  What if we all went and got vasectomies together?

The Guys:    Um, you go ahead… We’re good right here.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently.  I’ve looked up some reputable snippers on line, talked to some people that have had it done, and practiced saying “vas deferens…” Still, I don’t react well to even the thought of something happening to The Boys.  (Or as nephew Sammy would say:

My dad had it done ages ago when we were still very young, probably right after going Christmas shopping for his three kids.  He told me they had to put the anesthetic needle right smack into the ballular material.  The mere thought of that made me drop to the floor and curl up like a boiled shrimp.

I figure that surely the state of medicine has advanced enough that such drastic measures would no longer be needed.  At work, I spoke with someone that just had it done last year and asked about how they numb it.  (And no, they don’t have a nurse go down there and go “num num num num…”)

Unfortunately, he told me, they still stick the needle straight into the nards.  Next thing you know, I’m all…

Then as I banged my head on the underside of the desk and the world swam in and out of focus, I realized it might be better if they just put me under general anesthesia. 

But back to my buddies...  I figured if I could get some fraternal support going, I might be able to go through with the whole long, hard ordeal.

One of them had a perfect alibi… his wife has already had a hysterectomy.  As long as he was a good boy, he had no worries.

But the other one… my buddy Rik… Shit, he ought to be the Poster Boy for vasectomy.  When you look up “cocksman” in the dictionary, they show you his picture.  He should have jumped at the opportunity to no longer risk being Rikky Appleseed.

Brilliant Segue
Aside from spawning all over town, Rik’s other obsession is hitting a major lottery.  He has it all worked out.  First he’d set up his kids.  Then John and I can quit our jobs and become his posse.  John will be in charge of arranging hunting and fishing trips, and supervising the grill.  My job would be organizing the schedule and acquiring tickets for all the major sporting events.  (It’s funny how many things you can get tickets for once money is no object.) 

We would both take turns in handling money requests from charities and estranged family members.  Call it the Dr. No detail.

I also suggested that Rik appoint me as his biographer.  Dude has lived more sex stories than I could ever conceive of.  In fact, as we were driving to Cincinnati, he reminded us of the time he took part in a “9-way.”

Yes, you read that right… a “9-way.”  It was an intimate crowd consisting of him, his buddy, and 7 girls.   See, THIS is why he should have went for the vasectomy idea… This kind of shit just doesn’t happen to regular people.  This isn’t real life, it’s Hef’s softball team.

He and the other guy had to have rules though… they had to stay within sight of each other at all times, so that nothing accidentally got slipped somewhere it wasn’t supposed to go. 

Personally, I’d find it counter-productive to see some sweaty, hairy guy going at it five feet away from me… I’d have to come up with another way of detecting unsafe proximity… perhaps wearing bells, like the ones people put on their cats to warn the birds.  I know it would probably sound like Santa was coming… Someone would be, that’s for sure…

Anyway, once you throw a zillion dollars into the mix, you know the stories would be legendary and they’d need to be documented.  I even have the title picked out: “Memoirs of a Feral Bachelor”. 

Of course, at that point I’d have to insist that he get the vasectomy.  With that kind of cash in the balance, he’d be hearing from paternity lawyers like they were Jehovah’s Witnesses.  He’d need his own express window at the DNA Lab and a Frequent Boner Card.

With that in mind, I’ll leave you with the words of Chicago comic, “Uncle’ Larry Reeb:

“I don’t have any kids, I got a vasectomy.  It happened on a Saturday at Toys R Us.  All these kids were running around screaming, I took out the pocketknife, did it myself.  You ever been to Toys R Us on a Saturday?  They ought to have a bar at Toys R Us.”

28 comments:

  1. Dude, when Rod went to "get fixed," and the male nurse came in to shave his jewels, he told Rod, "Lie still while I shave you, or you won't have to see the doctor."

    When Keil was little, he was down visiting a neighbor who had a golden. He asked if the golden was going to have puppies. My friend told him that she had been spayed so she can't have any puppies. "My mama's been spayed." Keil said.

    Our newest addition, Mulligan, was neutered at the shelter. They did leave part of the scrotum, so he looks like he has one tiny testicle.

    Rod's dad had testicular cancer and was disappointed when they removed his testicles, because he said, "they dress a man up!"

    ReplyDelete
  2. I too have the whole lottery thing worked out. Its even in a spreadsheet with the different levels (if we only win $500,000 we'll just do this, but if we win $1,000,000 then we'll do this too), its kindof sad, but it did kill an hour at work.

    Bean's the uni-baller, so I guess he's kindof over having issues with his junk being messed with, but I'm actually more opposed to a vasectomy for him than he is - I kind of figure the poor guy (the nut, not Bean) has been through enough, he should be left alone.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "The mere thought of that made me drop to the floor and curl up like a boiled shrimp."

    The mental image of this still has me laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sure wish I hadn't gotten the thought of vasectomies in my head right before lunch. It's certainly an interesting idea for a group activity!

    ReplyDelete
  5. No bells necessary. I believe that's what the cowbell was invented for. Brings new meaning to the term, "More cowbell."

    Can't beleive you referenced Uncle Larry Reeb. He used to play out at Pheasant Run Resort in St. Charles, IL, while I was working in the theater there. Great guy, funny comic. Old Uncle Lar'.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow, the haze of testosterone is palpable. Thanks for the glimpse into the male mind. Absolutely hilarious. I now need a drink. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Woman,
    Funny how shared annoyance can bring people together.

    Judie,
    I hate the shaving part… I had to have that done for a different operation a couple years ago. Was worse (in embarrassment) than the actual surgery. The second time, I did it myself.

    Mulligan is a great name for a dog.

    Once you have the nards removed, I bet it would make you better in a fight, because you’d be impervious to the old “kick to the groin.” Did Rod’s mom keep them as souvenirs?

    Jennifer J,
    I love it! Another Spreadsheet Monster!

    Bean having been through enough may be one way to look at it. Another way is that after what he’s already had done, The Snip would be a breeze. Anyway… It’s easy for ME to say about someone else… I’m still curled up under the table.

    Jessica R,
    One of my favorite phrases… I read it in a Dave Barry column, more 20 years ago, and it’s stuck in my head ever since. It’s such a perfectly descriptive phrase for Male Testicular Panic.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Big Sis,
    I hope you weren’t planning on having spaghetti and meatballs…

    Bagger,
    I heard Larry Reeb through the Bob and Tom Show. My buddy John sent us a tape once, after he heard them while driving through Chicago, and we’ve been buying their CDs ever since. My folks used to listen to the show when they lived in Green Bay, but it’s not syndicated either here in Baltimore or in FL where the folks settled. Anyway, we love Uncle Lar’.

    “I’m from a town where there’s a women’s prison and a mental institution. My parents met… and here I am.”

    “I didn’t go to college… I couldn’t afford the $10,000 cover charge… I stayed home and got drunk.”

    ReplyDelete
  9. DG,
    Way ahead of you... I'm just getting home from an Orioles game that they actually won... a rare occurrence indeed.

    Yeah, there is a permanent haze of testosterone that hovers over the Dad-Cave, when we all get together back in Ohio. Makes us wanna go all "Tim Allen" and grunt all night long.

    ReplyDelete
  10. When I win the LOTTO I promise we can get a group snip , I'll BUY !!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm going to hold you to that... Group Discount, babee!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hahaha! Mum is way too modest to do that! It probably never even crossed her mind!

    I posted a picture of Mulligan on my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This was frickin' hilarious! I, too, enjoy the occasional jaunt into the male psyche. Group clips...Freq Boner Card...Toys 'R Us.

    I'd love to read that bio, but I'd have to make sure I wasn't in the "Early Years" portion before letting my hubby see it. :)

    p.s. I made the board! Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Judie,
    I saw it last night. Again, good choice of name… I can’t see calling a dog “Payne Stewart.”

    “Here, Payne… here Payne…” That just sounds wrong no matter how it’s spelled.

    Cristy,
    I’m pretty sure you weren’t one of his menu items… I don’t think he did much tomcatting around WV… So unless you spent some hot, sweaty nights in NW Ohio, you should be in the clear.

    ReplyDelete
  15. We have a friend whose grandmother lived in Louisiana for many years but moved to South L.A. She had a black dog whom she named the N word. As a boy, our friend would visit her occasionally in South L.A. She would try to send him out to call the dog. He was horrified, ashamed, and scared to call that dog, so she would stand at the back door and scream, "Here N*****!" OUr friend just knew someday they would be killed over that.

    Now, "Here Payne!" doesn't sound so bad anymore, does it?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Judie,
    When you put it like that, "Here, Payne" is not nearly so bad. I'm surprised Granny wasn't Molotov Cocktailed.

    ReplyDelete
  17. That old woman was born in bayou country. She probably wrestled 'gators for fun. I don't think anyone would mess with her!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Judie,
    She's probably killed more things than they've ever eaten.

    ReplyDelete
  19. That could be! I have had a very interesting and conflicting day. Please go to my blog and lend me some support! I just don't know WHAT to do next!!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I keep begging Mr. CB to get a vasectomy, but he's being a little bitch about his balls.

    Next time try to get the guys to get tattooed with you instead of their balls clipped, it may go over better Bluz!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Judie,
    I certainly will. I read all your posts, even if I don't comment on each one.

    CB,
    Yes, we men are hyper-vigilant about keeping our balls unharmed... call it generations of inherited instinct. It takes an unbelievable amount of will to overcome that and have some quack go rooting around in there with a blade.

    ReplyDelete
  22. First of all, I LOVE the way you think. I am so enamored of your mind, I am now following you. Thanks for following me. So, lead on!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Christy,
    I could see right off, when reading some of your posts, that we're of like minds. I look forward to having you participate here.

    Now mind you, I spew a lot more goofy shit and tell bawdy stories than discuss political issues, but every so often, I just need to let it fly.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Aw. I think a group vasectomy would be a great idea. I'm SO on board.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Cassie,
    I think the problem of making it a group project would be the inevitable competition that would develop.

    ReplyDelete
  26. A NINE-way? EW. There is not enough hand sanitizer in the whole WORLD for that.

    ReplyDelete
  27. BG,
    I guess there is such a thing as “too much of a good thing.”

    ReplyDelete

Comments are like 'crack' to a blogger... Please help me get my 'fix' by leaving a comment! And be sure to check back for my reply. Consider it the Afterparty!