Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Rest in Pieces

What a day this has been, here at the old D-Fish Command Center, a day in which justice has been served with some good old-fashioned fire and brimstone.

This morning, as I was poring over my “StatCounter” stats, I noticed that I was getting a lot of Google search hits on my post about the Solid Rock Church and their gargantuan Jesus statue: 

“Pastors Lawrence and Darlene Bishop criminals.”
“Lawrence and Darlene Bishop drugs.”
“Solid Rock church Monroe Ohio against Obama.”
“Lawrence Bishop Solid Rock church salary.”
“Tithing at Solid Rock Church.”

Must be big doin’s afoot,” I thought, but I was puzzled… “Why now?  All that is old news.

Then I came to: “Touchdown Jesus burns down.”  Wow…

So I did my own Google search.  First, I have to say I was thrilled because my piss-ant little blog actually showed up on the first search page.  Then I found the story I was looking for:

For a moment, my only thought was this:
“AHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!”

Lighting.  From the sky.  How rich is the irony?  A bolt of lightning screams down from the heavens and smites this graven idol right between the eyes.  (Late edit:  OK, technically, according to witnesses, the lightning bolt hit the right hand.)
As far as "messages" go, this makes the ‘burning bush’ look like a backyard kiddie sparkler.

MSNBC picked it up and ran it under “News of the Weird,” although it was made up of the AP report.  The Enquirer had this video below on its website:



I emailed the story to my mom right away and she responded thusly: “Yes Sistas and Brothas, there IS a God and SHE hates schlock.”

You know that if something like this would have happened to a giant statue of some other non-Christian religious figure, or even a pop-culture or sports figure, the people in the Solid Rock Church would be hollering about it being the hand of God and Divine Retribution against false idols.

I wonder how they’re going to rationalize this, because it looks to me like a giant Fuck You Sandwich personally delivered to Mr. and Mrs. Bishop.  As I recall from my meager religious training, Jesus didn’t commission any 60-foot statues of himself.  He was a humble Dude that hung out with some fishermen.  He told people to love each other and give their time and money to the poor, not to build palatial estates in His name.  He spoke out against those that were using God’s word to make themselves look better.  You can see how Divine Retribution might be in order here.

Or, maybe He was up there in heaven talking to his old buddies…

Yo Pete, you see that big-ass statue of Me down there in Ohio?  Is my nose really that big?  And what’s with the karate outfit?  That doesn’t look like Me, that’s Barry Gibb on a bender.  Hey guys, watch this…”

“Now you see it… ZZZZZZZap!  Now you don’t.”

Now the thing looks like an outtake from The Transformers… “Optimus Referee.”
No longer scaring the shit our of little kids in the back seat.

In the AP story, Lawrence Bishop is quoted from 2004 as saying he was “trying to help people with the statue, not impress them.”

Hmmm.  Help people.  OK.  When exactly have you ever been in trouble and went, “Dammit, if only I had a 62-foot Jesus statue… that would fix everything?

Maybe it might be helpful if you were trying to scare the shit out of some drunk friends, but I’d have to think the $700,000 (it’s insured for) might be better used to do something a little more constructive.

Like burn down the rest of that fucking nest of parasites.  I think Jesus delivered a message of his own last night.

Coda
When I got home, I found that I wasn’t the only one that found this story.  I had 9 different emails, all directing me to this story on a variety of outlets.  They included my buddies Rik and John, with whom I first saw the statue, my brother-in-law Scotty who lives nearby, my sitcom friend Sitcom Kelly, and bloggers Katie from Unapologetically Mundane, Carpetbagger (who claims I have powers, and may be right), Gina from My Very Last Nerve, Jayme from Random Blogette, and regular commenter DG.

Thank you all for thinking of me.  I guess when one thinks if giant, ugly, scary statues, one naturally thinks of me!    Special thanks to Sitcom Kelly, allowing me to steal her comment for use as the title but not without credit.  Pictures are from the Cincinnati Enquirer.  Well, except  the Jesus Finger… I don’t remember where that’s from.

39 comments:

  1. Holy Hell! Pun intended! That's some crazy shit! I hadn't seen that, swear to God. I mean...Jesus H. Christ!

    I gotta stop with this blasphemy stuff now.

    That's nuts. And creepy. All at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cassie,
    It does make one wonder, doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Random thoughts (other than this was the funniest thing I saw all freaking day).

    1. Biblical: Parable of the house built on a rock vs. sand. (insert random hymn singing).

    2. The after picture reminds me of the Wizard of Oz..."Pay no attention to the giant skeletal remains behind the reflecting pool...I mean the man behind the curtain."

    3. What goes around comes around. Preach fire and brimstone, and then commission a statue of fiberglass and styrofoam, and, well, you're going to have an effigy my friends.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That's what makes this whole thing so delicious. It's the hubris involved in creating such a thing. It was never about glorifying Jesus, it was about glorifying their glitzy church. You know what cometh before a fall...

    ReplyDelete
  5. If you type in 'Crazy Brunette' I'm on the first page at least ONCE in ALMOST all of the search engines!!!!

    Not the little piss ant ones... But Google, Yahoo... all the big ones!!!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. That's because they're onto you, CB. And they're afraid.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm curious as to how much glory there is for hiring an illegal alien, employing said illegal alien for 6 years, then subsequent to causing bodily injury to said illegal alien, denying his employment status and declaring that he was an "independent contractor."

    http://www.napil.com/PersonalInjuryCaseLawDetail65829.htm

    ReplyDelete
  8. This post made my day, mostly because when I searched this earlier int the day, I couldn't find any pictures of the thing on fire or after it burned.

    I only feel slightly guilty for finding this incident so deeply satisfying.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'd say that was a Giant Fuck You Sandwich with Fries and Cole Slaw!

    Karma- what a bitch.

    ReplyDelete
  10. SO funny! I thought of your post first, too! This part is friggin' great:

    "a giant Fuck You Sandwich personally delivered to Mr. and Mrs. Bishop" :)

    And, what do you mean by saying a 62-foot Jesus statue isn't going to solve all my problems?!?! Aack! I'm in trouble. I was counting on that thing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dude, I just posted a small story about this over on the Steel City Slant. Then I saw yours. I should have known you'd be on this one like stink on shit. It's a perfect forum for you!

    I have nothing to add other than what I said on my post over on the Slant. Basically it's: How can you have a Solid Rock chuch and then make your Jesus out of styrofoam? LMMFAO!

    ReplyDelete
  12. God: "What part of 'Thou shalt have no graven images' did you not understand?!"

    Jesus: "Hey, Peter? Watch this shot. Bank... off that mountain, skip off the lake, bounce over than field, and into the right hand of that abomination!"

    Peter: "I got $10 says you can't do it."

    ReplyDelete
  13. I wonder what Pat Robertson thinks of this story (assuming that he actually does think, which is highly suspect)?

    Why don't yu call and ask him? I dare ya!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I very nearly sent you that story as well. I could have been one of the cool kids, if only I hadn't gotten distracted by something shiny.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Lily,
    First off, thank you for visiting and commenting. The Google has provided a bounty in new readers here at ol’ Darwinfish.

    Secondly, thank you for noting that case. It just further illustrates my point that these people are not in the religion business for moral purposes, but for monetary. Heck, according to that filing, Lawrence Bishop backed up over the poor guy himself! Then to deny financial responsibility for him is like pissing over his injured body.

    These people are parasites, pure and simple.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Tracey,
    Don’t feel bad… I was practically dancing on the ceiling. I’m glad I could help!

    Thank you for visiting and commenting!

    ReplyDelete
  17. IKNAB,
    That sounds like a new Primanti’s sandwich… the “Great Flaming Jesus on Italian Bread.”

    You know, I think I’m going to make that the official oath of D-Fish… as in “Great Flaming Jesus, the Steelers looked like crap today!”

    Cristy,
    The thought of 62-foot Half-Jesus coming to one’s aid cracks me up too. You know what it was like? Take the giant Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, light him on fire, and that’s what was standing outside the Solid Rock Church on Monday night.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dog,
    That makes total sense. Why skimp on the materials?
    Also, was He not a carpenter? How about a nice wood-carving, preferably NOT one that can be seen from the Space Station?


    Bagger,
    Perfect! Jordan and Bird have nothing on those guys…

    Ooh, is it ‘graven’ image? I better make an edit… I’ll bow to your superior training in the area. (of religion, not graven-ness.)

    Judie,
    It’s guys like Pat Robertson that put the “mental” in “fundamentalism”. But I bet even he was looking at that statue, going, “It’s a little much.”

    ReplyDelete
  19. Burgh Baby,
    I appreciate the thought, just the same.

    My mother would be so proud that I'm so widely associated with a giant, flaming half-deity.

    ReplyDelete
  20. My sweet mother-in-law was for years a follower of Pat Robertson until she received a birthday card from him that I happened to see. Instead of a picture of Jesus on the front, he had his own picture. I pointed this out to Mum, and asked her if she really wanted to associate herself with someone so arrogant. She stopped sending him money.

    Hey, if you put the cursor on the fish, they will all swim to it. I call it "feeding the fish." In a way, it is a little frightening that I would actually do that. Am I brain-dead?

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm glad your MIL saw the light!

    Hey, did you know that if you click in the fish-pool that you really can feed the fish? When you click, little bits of food appear and the fishies eat them. It keeps me amused on conference calls.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Great post, bluz! When I saw this on the news I turned to my husband and said "Jesus himself would not have wanted that grotesque statue." He was all about humility. Personally, I don't think the lightening bolt was an accident. It really was an act of God.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hmm--I never noticed the food.

    Hey, what was that statue made of anyway? It sure burned brightly!

    ReplyDelete
  24. wow, I check in on vacation on your blog (and yours alone, as promised) and what do I see? JESUS DIED!
    goodness. wow.
    I think the innards of the statue will still be scaring kids in the back seat though.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh my heck .. Barry Gibb on a bender... this post is hysterical!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Cher,
    That is exactly my point. That thing is unlike anything Jesus would ever sanction or support.

    What’s Aramaic for “just desserts”?

    Judie,
    The statue was foam over fiberglass, over the steel skeleton.

    Woman,
    Welcome back from the west coast leg of the Confused World Tour. Am looking forward to reading more about it.

    Yes, Giant Half-Jesus went out in a real blaze of glory, but I read that the Bishops plan to rebuild. Would it be too much to ask The Lord to bestow upon them, the gift of, um, restraint? Or maybe some taste?

    Or are they destined to be a pit stop on the religious whack-a-loon US tour for all eternity?

    Monroe OH: Home of the World’s Largest Savior Torso!

    Countess,
    Wow… Royalty in the house!

    Thank you for visiting and commenting… I’m glad you enjoyed.

    It was either Barry Gibb or Ted Nugent… I flip-flopped for 5 minutes trying to decide which to use, before deciding Barry Gibb was funnier. Plus I bet somewhere in the Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, there actually IS a huge statue of Ted Nugent, complete with crossbow.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Someone told me about this story, but I didn't get a chance to read it, so thanks.. What I'm wondering is - who's bright idea was it to build the thing out of styrofoam?? I mean, if you're going to pay $300,000 for something, make it a quality something.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Jennifer,
    That's what Still a Dog was saying... what's with the flimsy materials? It's not like that church couldn't afford it. They seem to be rolling in dough.

    But I'll be the last thing they thought would happen would be a lightning strike, of all things.

    Thank you for visiting... love your site!

    ReplyDelete
  29. The frame that is left looks like the burnt carcass of a space alien.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I just read through the comments, and while I THOUGHT I had something to say, I came to the conclusion that tomncristy already summed it up for me.

    I, too, was counting on a 62-foot Jesus statue to solve all my problems. Folly, thy name is Bishop...

    ReplyDelete
  31. That lightening was no accident. It was the MOTHER lighting her cigarette.

    ReplyDelete
  32. How appropriate the head honchos are named BISHOP. That's not an accident either.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Perhaps it is, Judie…

    Do “Transformers” count as aliens? It sure as hell ain’t “Alf”.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Mary Ann,
    Their name being “Bishop” means they can only move in a diagonal line.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Bachelor Girl,
    That happens to me a lot too… I’ll have a precise and insightful comment to share, but as the 105th commenter, someone inevitably beats me to it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. 'I wonder how they’re going to rationalize this, because it looks to me like a giant Fuck You Sandwich personally delivered to Mr. and Mrs. Bishop.'

    LMFAO!!

    And I love, love, LOVE what your mom had to say!!

    And you're right, if some other religious icon got fried by lightning all the Christians would be crying divine retribution!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Raven,
    Thanks, I'm glad you approve. And any flair I may have with words comes directly from my Mom. Same with the anti-establishment attitude.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Lawrence Bishop passed away today! Solid Rock church is getting new pastors, and if they were smart they would take the Bishop's out of the church!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Anon,
    I knew something was up with the Bishops this week because I started getting a ton of Google hits on this story, even though it's over a year old. When I finally looked it up myself, I saw the story that Lawrence Bishop went into the hospital Thursday night and died, I believe from a stroke.

    Wow. Lightning strikes his stature one year, the next he basically drops dead. There's some serious karma, right there. If I was Mrs. Bishop, I'd think about folding the tent right now. But I'd be surprised if she did. That church and the Bishops are intertwined. I don't see anyone else stepping in to run things, nor do I see Mrs. Bishop taking this as any other sign but "God needed him right now, because he's so special."

    I don't wish death on anyone and I'm sorry for their family's loss, but I would not be upset in the least if that nest of thieves closed their doors for good.

    Let people send their money to some place that would actually carry out Jesus's word... like a place that would feed and clothe the needy, or provide a place to spend the night.

    ReplyDelete