Grass Stained

First off, I apologize for not getting a post up on Thursday night, as is my habit.  Thursday was Pinky’s birthday, so there were festivities and ceremonies to which I had to attend.  Surely you can understand my position…

“Of course I understand, and… well… you know.”

So this week, as the NFL picked itself up and dusted itself off to begin training camps in earnest and assemble their teams, I had to laugh when my football nemesis, the Baltimore Ratbirds signed Ricky Williams to provide depth at running back.

I laugh because of Williams’ long history of violating the NFL’s drug policies, in addition to general weirdness.  I wasn’t sure if the team’s upper management was aware of their new running back’s proclivities, so I submitted the following for them to use to open their press conference:

“The Baltimore Ravens are proud to announce the signing of Ricky Williams to our football club.  Please rest assured that this is not the token signing of some veteran gone to pot.  It was a joint decision among the team executives, after hashing out some differences and weeding out a number of unsuitable options that had been in the pipeline.  We look forward to getting Ricky out on the grass with his new buds and using his blunt force power to sow the seeds for a championship.  And now if you will refer to the overhead screen, you can get a look at our next potential free agent targets.

“Thank you.”

Let it be said that I don’t really have anything against Ricky Williams; at least, not until now that he’s hooked up with the enemy.  Actually, I’m kind of thankful for the ammunition for when the Rattie fans start yapping about Hines Ward’s DUI.  Say what you will, but that was one stupid misjudgment and he’s going to pay for it. 

Williams, on the other hand has jumped in and out of the NFL like he was doing the Hokey Pokey.  And the Ratbirds went out and signed him.  Sure they’ll spin it like it’s a big chance for redemption and they’re really concerned with running a team that with character, but in actuality, they’re just bringing in anyone they think will help, regardless of their off-the-field life.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.  But don’t then go out in the press and preach about what a high-class organization you have when, not only do you continue to employ an accessory to murder like Ray Lewis, but then go out and obtain a player known for willfully violating the NFL (and federal) drug laws.

Director’s DVD Commentary: I was really trying to find a picture of the old SNL Garrett Morris rasta character he used to do on Weekend Update, that was always saying, “Must be ganjaaaaa…”  Alas, I couldn’t find squat.  But that was kind of a mixed blessing, because who knows how many times I’d have to explain the joke to youngsters like Cassie.

Also, try as I might, I couldn't find in a way to work in the word, "bong."