Thursday, May 30, 2013

Odd Bits - The Witch is Dead Edition

I know this post is late and I apologize… I just got back from an Orioles game.  But since the show must go on, lets’s check out some news from the week so far.

Ding Dong
Right Wing-nut Michelle Bachmann announced she wouldn’t seek re-election next year.  She takes great pains to clarify that it’s NOT because of any investigation into her campaign finances, and it’s NOT because she’s getting as stale as month-old bread and afraid of losing.

I believe her, but I have my own theory.  I call it the Palin Theory, which states that it’s a lot easier and more lucrative not to have to actually DO anything, like… govern.  With no bills to author or pass, meetings to attend, or constituent issues to resolve, she’ll have all the time in the world to sit on the sidelines and tell everyone what she thinks is wrong.  (Short answer: Whatever is wrong, it’s Obama’s fault.)

I think you’ll see her sign on with Fox “News” or some other media outlet, “write” a book, and rake in the bucks on the corporate lecture circuit… because I’m sure that’s what Jesus would want her to do.

“Screw helping the people that elected me… Mama gotta see some Benjamins!”

Scout’s Honor
As expected, in the wake of the Boy Scouts’ decision to allow gay Scouts, a number of churches are ending their sponsorships of local troops.  Because, you know, Jesus was always shunning people for the way they were born…  In fact, I won’t be surprised to see some group come out with a new Bible version that includes Jesus “healing” the gays right along with the lepers.

I know not all churches are following this path, but reports like this provide a public service: it identifies where the idiots are. It’s like, “Will all the intolerant, fundamentalist, pricks out there raise their hands?”

It just makes my job of making fun of them that much easier.  And speaking of making fun of revered institutions, this whole issue reminds me of an old favorite song from 50s satirist Tom Lehrer, called “Be Prepared.”  (And you know it has “cool” points because the Dennis Hopper villain character in “Speed” quoted the 1st line to Keanu Reeves, down in the subway.)

“Be prepared! That’s the Boy Scout’s marching song.
Be prepared!  As through life, you march along.
Be prepared to hold your liquor, pretty well.
Don’t write naughty words on walls if you can’t spell.

Be prepared, to hide that pack of cigarettes,
Don’t make “book,” if you cannot cover bets.
Keep those reefers hidden, where you’re sure that it will not be found.
And be careful not to smoke them when the Scoutmaster’s around,
For he only will insist that it be shared!  Be prepared!

Be prepared!  That’s the Boy Scout’s solemn creed.
Be prepared!  And be clean in word and deed.
Don’t solicit for your sister; that’s not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price!

Be prepared, and be careful not to do
your good deeds… if there’s no one watching you!
If you’re looking for adventure of a new and different kind,
And you come across a Girl Scout, who is similarly inclined,
Don’t be nervous, don’t be flustered, don’t be scared!
Be prepared!”

I was only going to excerpt it, but it’s all too good.  Besides, I've waited almost 40 years for the Boy Scouts to make news, just so I could bring up that song…

Adam and Heave
Another story that was blowing up my Yahoo News page yesterday was about how “The Voice” judge Adam Levine hates America.  It’s one of those stories that sounds bad at first, but then you see what’s going on and think, “This is a news story??”

For the uninitiated, The Voice is a singing contest show, where amateurs get chosen by celebrity coaches, who work with them to face off against each other, with America voting contestant off until a winner is crowned.

Adam Levine, singer for the group Maroon 5, is one of the judges.  This week, in an apparent upset, 2 of his very talented singers were voted off.  As the result was announced, under his breath, Levine muttered, “I hate this country.

Now, I’m not a regular viewer of this show.  The few times I've watched it, all I really remember about it is how smokin' hot (fellow judge this season) Shakira is. 

Yowza!  (Source)

She’s like a cross between Cat Deeley and Sophia Vergara.  Apparently she sings and dances too, but don’t quote me on that.

Also, I wouldn’t give you a dime for Adam Levine’s music.  I heard his group play at the Super Bowl once and couldn’t believe they let such weenie-assed music appear before our nation’s annual sporting extravaganza.

But seriously, give the dude a break!  He just saw all his hard work with a couple of very talented musicians, go right down the shitter, having been deposited there by “this country.”  If I were him, I would have said something similar.  In fact, I have, except my scope was slightly more narrowed.  (Like when the Penguins play in Philly, or the Steelers play in Baltimore.)

While it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say on national television, it wasn’t like he was siding with the Taliban or anything.  It was an in-the-moment thing.  Anyone trying to whip it up into something broader is merely pandering to the Offended By Everything contingent of “this country.”

He might have been better off just to quote this comic strip sage:

Like “Jackass” Needs More Ammunition
I saw today that there is a move afoot to bring over one of the world’s most popular alcohol options.  Chinese “baijiu” is a pungent 110-proof white liquor, made from sorghum, wheat or rice.  Over 11 billion liters of it were consumed last year in China, despite it tasting like paint thinner.  I guess that’s what it takes to wipe away the realization that you live in China.

Why anyone would want to bring that stuff over here is beyond me.  In fact, I’m sure it’s an invitation to disaster, or at least a whole new vein of tragic “Hey watch this” videos.

Also, as long as we still have Bacardi 151 Rum available, who needs baijiu?

I still have bad, albeit hazy, memories of drinking 151 (proof) rum back in my college days.  To this day, I still get the shiver-snivers from the mere smell of rum.  Ruined me on rum and cokes for the rest of my days.

I can’t believe it’s still available.  I thought for sure some Concerned Citizen would have lobbied to take it off the market after their Little Angel drank some and was delivered home in a wheel barrow.  The only point of making liquor that’s 75% alcohol is to Eff People Up.  Quickly.

See that logo?  That represents your soul escaping your body… to soon be followed by whatever you've eaten in the last 12 hours.


Cassie said...

I've heard rumors that Adam Levine is a huge dick. But I do agree with what he said. People are so quick to jump all over people and make stories out of nothing, it often makes me say I hate this country.

People need to chillax.

bluzdude said...

I believe I said the same thing, at least twice… the day after the 2000 election and the day after the 2004 election. (Just like conservatives did in 2008 and 2012.)

Anonymous said...

It's amazing how touchy people can be about the US of A. They need constant reinforcement that its #1, or else they start to lose it.

And it's a reality TV show. We're talking Bridalplasty, Toddlers and Tieras, and Temptation Island. But this crossed a line?

Best line Adam Carolla ever had was his idea for a new reality show for men and boys called... Pedif-Isle.

And it's amazing how one bad memory with liquor stays with you. In college, I got so sick and drunk on cheap white wine that I have a hard time enjoying a glass of pinot grigio today.

Mary Ann said...

Can we come up with a name for the BSA? One guaranteed to offend almost everyone.
Farewell, Michele. One great cartoon shows a cuckoo clock chiming and the bird flying out is labeled, "Michele".

Valerie said...

That's ok... I've been boycotting church for years. In fact, last time I was there I stole some Jesus crackers and served them to my gay friends at a dinner party.



bluzdude said...

Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet once commented about some people protesting his show, "America is a great place, speech is free, and you’re able to expose the fact that you’re an idiot."

My brother's experience with Jack Daniels was similar to mine with rum. One night of excess can totally ruin it for the rest of your life.

bluzdude said...

What's amazing is that I don't doubt your story for a second.

I wonder if Churches have to inventory their stock. "Hey, we're running low on Jesus; you better order some more."

bluzdude said...

I'd be more interested in re-naming the groups that break away from the BSA over this issue. LIke maybe the Macho Men of America. What better way to mock a bunch of homophobes than to name them after a Village People song?