Odd Bits - The Hairy Buffalo Edition

 Couple of things caught my eye this week...

Open Wide

The FDA approved a camera-pill, which can be used for colonoscopies in certain cases.  “Certain cases” is defined as “those who have trouble undergoing standard colonoscopies.”  And I would define that as “anyone who doesn’t want 47 feet of pipe rammed up his ass.”  I suppose that would become a problem when said person is strong enough in his conviction that his rectum exhibits the closing force of a crocodile’s jaws.

As a 50+ year old dude, I know I am overdue for a colonoscopy.  So now, all I have to do now is wait a bit longer, until over-the-counter colon-cams become a “thing.”  And then how much longer can it possibly be before you can follow the cam’s progress on your iPhone?  I can’t wait to see the Google Doodle on the day that app comes out…  

As comic Richard Belzer once said to his doctor, “Here’s 20 bucks; stay out of my ass.”

If You Can't Beat'em, Screw'em

Because Republicans apparently don’t believe they can win elections based on ideas or policy, they’ve fallen back on their old standby, dirty tricks.  What they’ve done this time is set up a series of websites that look like they support the Democrat in a race, but in fact, all donations go to the Republican opponent.  The disclosure appears in the small print at the bottom, (which approximately no one reads).

The funny thing is; we’re not even talking about a staff flunky on some local candidate’s campaign team.  These sites were launched by the National Republican Congressional Committee.  So what does that say about how they view their chances?

Rather than put forth viable solutions to unemployment and crumbling infrastructure, they use trickery and misdirection to fund campaigns based on fear and self-righteousness.  As far as I’m concerned, these actions are criminal.  But that’s not the kind of “election fraud” conservatives are trying to root out when they’re kicking the young, old and poor off of voter rolls.  

Miley Cyrus Hates Your Kids

The twerking, tongue-protruding pop singer was interviewed recently in W Magazine, and had some interesting things to say about her original fans.

“I don’t love kids.  I don’t love them because, I mean, I think I was around too many kids at one point… They’re so fucking mean.

“Sometimes I hear kids with their parents, and I want to go over and, like, smack them myself.  Like if they meet me, they’ll be like, ‘Mom, don’t you know how to use an iPhone?  Like, can you take the picture?’  I’m like, ‘Dude, if I ever talked to my mom like that when I was a kid, I would have had no phone, no computer, no TV, no anything.’  And so yeah, kids are just mean.”

I don’t know what the world is coming to when I agree with Miley Cyrus.  No, not that I want to smack your kids.  I realize that there are lots of kids who are kind, respectful and polite.  But when I used to manage record stores, I also saw a LOT of kids that needed a good smack for talking so disrespectfully to their parents.

I used to see it all the time…

“Come on, Mom, don’t you know anything??”  

And that wasn’t even from a teenager… this was from a grade-schooler.  No way I’d ever get away with talking down to my parents like that.  (At least until I grew taller than them, in which case it was unavoidable.  Ha!)

I think it’s even worse now, what with kids’ eroding social skills caused by iPhone/video game addiction.  Anyway, all I could think of was that old bit from “Bill Cosby: Himself,” where he imitated his wife’s ravings after she administered the nightly beatings to their “brain damaged children:”

“You think I carried you inside my body for nine months so you could roll your eyes at me?  I’ll roll that little head of yours on the floor.  You don’t know who you’re dealing with.  I’ll beat you ‘til you can’t grow anymore.”

Grain and Bear It

I saw an article in today’s Baltimore Sun where the Maryland state senate has passed a law banning the sale of 190-proof grain alcohol.  Normally I’m not a fan of banning things, but I think they have a point here.  

There are very few benign uses for grain alcohol, and is overwhelmingly used to get college students blasted out of their minds… usually mixed in a fruity punch.  Call it a date-rape cocktail.

I had an experience with that stuff once, when I was given a drink called “Hairy Buffalo.”  (That night is featured in one of my better stories.). One glass of that and I was the walking dead for the rest of the night… the walking, tumbling, hurling dead.

I say, if you’re going to get drunk, do it honestly and purposefully.  Make the decision, impaired or not, to continue drinking.  Because it takes longer, there’s a chance that someone may intervene.  Ideally, you just cop a nice buzz, and ride it out.  A one-drink knockout punch prevents that, and then once you’re FUBAR, anything can happen to you.

I feel the same way about 151-proof rum.  Back in my college years, I used to get blasted on that stuff too, and to this day, I still can’t stand even the smell of rum.  In my book, there’s no reason for either of those liquors to exist.  

As long as there’s bubblegum and icing flavored vodkas, frat boys will still be able to get the sorority girls drunk.