Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Scroties

Someone with more time on their hands that I should come up with some awards for the biggest balls exhibited under duress.  I humbly submit that they should be called, “The Scroties.”

I started thinking about this the other night after watching the Pens game against the New Jersey Devils.  The game was a wipeout; the Devils outplayed the Pens all over the ice, but what really made an impression on me was in the 2nd period seeing Jordan Staal take an errant puck right between the eyes.  He hit the ice like a shot and proceeded to writhe and pour copious amounts of blood all over the ice.  It was painful even to watch.  When it’s a hockey player twitching like that, you know it’s bad.

If you missed the game, you can see the sequence here:


I know things like this are part of the game, but you watch these kids play game after game, year after year and it almost seems like you know them.  Then to see one of your boys get hurt like that… Yow…

So imagine my surprise to see that for the start of the 3rd period, here comes Jordan Staal back on the ice, wearing a full face shield.

The balls on this kid… and not just on Jordy.  I don’t think he’s the only hockey player that would have come back.  Those guys are just beyond tough and they have my total admiration.  “Major League 2” propaganda aside, baseball players aren’t even in the same league hockey players.

Check out the locker room interview with Staal… even his teammates were asking him questions about it:


I love how his teammate teased him about looking like Colby Armstrong, who was famous for his enormous honker.  But did you hear that?  “I felt like my nose was off, and it wasn’t a good feeling” he said.  
What, does he think he’s the Black Knight from Holy Grail?


“You’re arm’s off.”  “No it isn’t!”

So, to get the, er, ball rolling, I hereby present Jordan Staal as the inaugural winner of Darwinfish 2’s “Scrotie Award!”  You may claim your prize:

Kudos to Seth and his Empty Netters blog on Postgazette.com, for finding the videos and Staal picture.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Driving Me Crazy

As I’ve ranted before, I think Maryland drivers are the worst I’ve ever lived amongst.  When I learned how to drive, out in Ohio, we learned things like how to use turn signals, how to merge, who goes first at a 4-way stop sign, how to drive on freeways, etc.

I noticed on the very day I moved from Albany NY to Baltimore, that these people here don’t really know how to drive.  (And that’s saying something, after having lived 7 years in New York.)  I wondered if they even HAD Driver’s Ed classes here…  It was like they posted a sign at the Delaware border, “Welcome to Maryland… Buckle Up Because It’s Time for Freeway Roller Derby!” 

People never use their turn signals, or at least so rarely that you never know if they’re flashing on purpose.  Or in my neighborhood, if you’re waiting for an approaching car to pass before making a left yourself, they turn on their blinker about 5-feet from the turn. 

“Thanks, asshole!  I could have pulled out 15 seconds ago, if you knew how to work that little stick on the left side of the wheel!”

Another trick, guaranteed to start my day off with profanity, is when they pull up to a red light at a 2-lane intersection that doesn’t have left-turn arrow, and settle into the left lane.  No blinker.  I pull in behind them, so others may make rights on red, as needed.  When the light turns green, THEN they put on their blinker and sit there while they wait for a break in oncoming traffic... like they didn’t realize they had to turn there and it just came to them.  More likely, it’s just a complete lack of awareness or consideration of anyone else on the road. 

If you try to pass someone going 50 on the interstate, be prepared for them to stand on it so that you’re hung out in the left lane indefinitely.  Then as soon as you tuck back in behind them, they slow down again.

Any time there’s a merge ahead, prepare for a traffic jam.  The concept of “Right side goes – left side goes, right side goes, and so on, is unheard of.  In Maryland, they might as well just put it right on the license plates, “The Me-First State.”

So when I saw this “How Well Do You Know the Rules of the Road” quiz on MSN, I decided I’d prove my superiority on such things. 

You know how this all sounds like a set-up for the author to get his come-uppance?  Not!  I nailed 18 out of 20 questions.  Whoo Hoo!

Actually, I didn’t know there would be comparisons involved, but the quiz took my age/state/sex demographics at the end.

I’m really kind of pissed I didn’t get them all, because the 2 I missed, I guessed what I thought a cop would say (meaning more rigid) rather than what I thought made sense in real life.  I’d be more specific here, but I don’t want to give away any answers in case you want to try the test yourself.  I’ll talk about them in detail, in Comments.

So what did I learn?  Looking at the results grid, Maryland is right about at the national average. 

Great.  So the whole country’s drivers are going to hell in a hand basket.  I feel so much better now.

It also looks like all but 2 demographics are within 3 points of the average.  First, ages 15-24 have the lowest average score, with 75.  If most states require an 80 to get a license, that means trouble for the youngsters. Good thing this little online test isn’t legally binding.  Although they ARE giving the field a handicap… they were probably texting while they were taking the test.

The other nugget there is that women, with all ages combined, average a score of 78, which is also below the bottom limit for licensing.  Now I thought that it was supposed to be a myth about “women drivers.”  Hmmm.

Don’t blame the messenger here!  I’m just reporting the numbers.  So take the test, and let me know how you did!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Steelers Recap - Week 15

Holy crap! That was a barnburner.  

I was sure we were going to blow that one in the 4th again, and they pretty much did, except this time, Ben was actually the Ben of old, or at least the Ben of last year. Here are my thoughts on the game:

* I can think of worse ways to start a game than hitting a 60-yard TD bomb on the first play. The defense must have been thinking, “Dude, what’s the hurry? We just sat down…” William Mike Wallace found so much Freedom behind the secondary, he came to a stop and waited for the ball and still had time to elude the cornerback and scamper into the end zone.  


* Lawrence Timmons looked good early, rocking Green Bay QB Rogers a couple of good ones. Rogers was off target the rest of the quarter.  

* How good did Mendenhall look getting into the end zone from the 2, on 3rd and 4th efforts. That’s what we’ve been missing in the red zone. This kid is really looking like something special.  

* Green Bays outside linebacker Clay Matthews beat tackle Max Starks all game long. Matthews got around end on him like Starks was a 350 lb traffic barrel. Starks allowed 2 sacks on the day and almost 3, if Ben hadn’t gotten that incompletion call when he was hit while his arm was going forward. Add to that a false start penalty and a holding penalty on the last drive, the latter of which wiped out a nice gain.  

* All the receivers came up big. Both Heath and Hines had over 100 yards receiving. Heath had a long rumble to set up their 3rd TD. He, Hines and Santonio all came up with big 1st down catches. On the final drive, Santonio went for 32 yards on 4th and 7. Heath grabbed a clutch ball on 3rd and 15.  

* The Pack gift-wrapped a number of plays on that last drive, none bigger than wiping out their own game-ending interception with an illegal contact penalty. I even had in my notes, “obvious call” after seeing the replay. This is funny because when I woke up this morning, the sports guy on the radio, when talking about this game, immediately started squawking that Hines “bought a call”.  

This is why I hate Ravens fans and media so much. Hines was running his route and got blasted. If this happens more than 5 yards downfield, it’s a penalty. There is no “buying” necessary. The defensive back, Brandon Chillar, even said the following: “I didn't see Hines," Chillar said. "I was going to a different spot and a different receiver and just ran into him. And they have to call that."  

See that? The player says it’s a penalty. But all the Ratbird apologists can do is whine and complain and find conspiracies where there are none. And guaranteed, if it was Rattie receiver Derek Mason that bought a call, they’d be calling him a crafty veteran.  

* While I understand the logic now, I hated the onside kick call in the 4th quarter, even before I saw we didn’t recover it. I saw it bouncing short and it was like I was yelling in slow motion… “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”  

I’m a proponent of just kicking it as far as you can and busting ass down the field to make a freakin’ tackle. If a professional team can’t master this basic procedure, they might as well pack it in.  

That said, the play was there. There were 4 Steelers around the ball and one lineman for the Pack. Unfortunately, Ike Taylor was too busy “swaggin” to engage his brain and wait until the ball went 10 yards, before he reached out and grabbed it, thus nullifying the play and handing over the ball in Steelers territory. Fortunately, the fact that our defense immediately collapsed had the side benefit of giving Ben a full 2 minutes to move 80 yards. Which he did, with not a moment to spare.  

* How cool was that last drive, huh? Also remember that by this time, all the other games across the league were over and the whole nation was watching this one. Maybe that’s what Ben needs to work that late-game magic. Who else is watching the Steelers play the dregs like the Browns or Raiders? Once all the football fans in the country are watching, Ben decides to show up. And with the Ratbirds game over, the whole bar was hooting and hollering like Ray Lewis just scowled at someone.  

You can always tell when Ben is going to complete a pass. When he has time, he’ll square up, plant that foot, and Zing! Ball arrives on a line at the receiver, usually right between the numbers, or in this case, right where it had to be, away from a reaching defender. When Ben hit Wallace on that last pass with no time remaining, the bar just went quiet. Well, except for me, who was laughing like a mad scientist.

Had to cut that short though, until I could they showed a replay and see if those toes were down. But you could tell immediately that the feet were down. It wasn’t even close. If the Steelers somehow manage to wrangle their way into the playoffs, this game will be legendary. If not, it’s just one highlight from a dismal year.  

If the Steelers had managed to win one prior game this year, they would control their own playoff destiny. One field goal against the Bears… one TD catch not dropped against the Bengals… one touchdown against the league’s worst defense up in Cleveland, and the playoffs would be in reach.  

But really, I can’t complain. In 2009, the Steelers won the Super Bowl and the Pens won the Stanley Cup. How greedy do I really want to be?  

OK, don’t answer that.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Day After

Well, we lived.

The snow fell.  The people panicked.  We ate lasagne, drank beer and watched the Pens.  I read all of the first Harry Potter book.  The roads got plowed and life goes on.

Local media are now smoking their collective cigarette after the orgy of storm coverage.  Meanwhile, it looks absolutely beautiful outside.

People are clearing off their cars and marking their spaces.  If someone takes my space when I get back from the sports bar, I'm going to throw a lawn chair through their windshield.

The Mojo Boogie
Before the storm put a kay-bosh on my plans to watch the Steelers game at home, I was going to try some experimental mojo.  Since my mojo efforts were going so poorly this season, I was going to try wearing some apparel that has always guaranteed a loss... kind of like Bizarro World Mojo.  Up is down, down is up, black is white and losers are winners.  With a record of 6-7, what can it hurt?

Unfortunately, this apparel is so butt-ugly, I wouldn't dare wear it in public.  In all likelihood, I'll roll it out next week for the Ratbirds game.  So for today, I dug into my closet for some classic, yet unobtrusive gear:

Block-letter Steelers sweatshirt, over "Stillers" Tee, with Steelers socks.  Unpictured: black Steelers ball-cap with tan leather trim on the edge of the bill.  (Unpictured, because I forgot to put it in the shot and I'm too lazy to take another one.  Baaad blogger.)

The Packers are my second favorite football team.  My parents lived for more that 15 years in Green Bay.  The town supports the team much in the same way Pittsburgh does.  So it's always tough for me when they play the Steelers.  Make no mistake though, there is no doubt who I am rooting for.  It's just that I can't summon any of the hate that I usually bring for our opponents.

The last time the Steelers played in Green Bay was the last year my folks lived there, so Dad arranged for a bunch of tickets... about 10 of us in total.  Luckily, it was an early season game in October.

The parking lot attendant at the school where we parked happily took this picture for us.  They're just so nice in Wisconsin!  

Even the people in the stadium were nice... "Oh, welcome to Green Bay!  How do you like Lambeau?  Hope you have a good time!"  It was unbelievable.  Picture that happening in any other pro stadium.  (Well, maybe in Minnesota, you betcha!)  

Even the concessionaires were nice.  The lady selling me my beer wished me good luck.  I told her it was amazing to me that everyone is so nice to fans of the visiting team.  She said, "Well, you're not Bears fans..."

Speaking of, when I was visiting one year, I saw the Green Bay morning paper had a front page article about a garbage strike in Chicago.  In the blurb directly underneath, it said, and I swear this is true: "Speaking of steaming piles of garbage, the Bears will be in town this weekend to take on the Packers."

So, off we go.  Let's see if the Steelers can play up to their competition, like they did early in the season.  And worst case today, at least I get a solid quesadilla out of it.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Live-Blogging the Storm of the Century!

As I mentioned yesterday:
It's Snowiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

The news this morning says we're due to get between 20" and 30" before it's all done, which would break the Baltimore snowfall record.  That was in February of 2003, when we got 28" over President's Day weekend.

These are from that storm:






I got up around 9:00 this morning and anxiously peeped out the window to see this:



So we're just getting started here.  

Pinky told me she already cleared off my car.  (She gets up pretty early.)  While I was thankful, we have a difference of opinion regarding these things.  She believes you should clear things off frequently throughout the storm.  I think you should go out and do it once, after all the snowing is complete.  It's the same difference I had with my ex-wife.  She thought I should be out there snowblowing the driveway every couple of hours.  Being that it was MY ass out there getting snow frozen into my beard, I preferred to get all ice-encrusted just once.

Unknown Mojo
I don't know what's going on with the Steelers game tomorrow.  By original plans, the Ratbirds were playing at 1:00, followed by the Steelers game at 4:15.  Both were going to be on TV here.  But yesterday, given the storm forecast, the Ratties game was pushed to 4:15, so they could have time for snow removal.  This puts it in direct conflict with the Steelers game, which of course would bump it from TV.  (Both games are on Fox.)  That means I now have to venture out to Jilly's to see the game.  

But wait!  Now word comes in that the Rats' opponent, the Bears, have not been able to get into town.  So that leaves the possibility that the game may get postponed further.  So I don't know where I'm going to watch the game, which leaves my mojo decisions up in the air.  Not that they've done any good lately.

Note:  Please check back to this post.  I'm going to be updating it throughout the day, as the snow piles up and the cabin fever sets in.  Well... not for me... I have my PC, some new DVD's, several shows on the DVR, a new AC/DC Guitar Hero game, plenty of beer and a Pens game tonight.  I'll be fine.  Pinky, on the other hand, will be clawing at the glass like a crazed, red-crested gerbil.

Noon Update
Yes, it's still snowing.  Has been coming down pretty hard all morning.  Here's the view out the front:



Still getting there...

By the way, I have been asked to change my reference to Pinky as a Red-Crested Gerbil to that of a Noble Lioness.  And I am doing so in hopes that she will let me have some of the exquisite lasagne she made this morning.  Sorry, baby!

2:30 Update
Yep, still snowing.  Lets check out back:

Looks like about 6 or 7" on top of the air conditioner.  I give a range because I'm not ambitious enough to go out and measure.  Now, out front:

Looks like a little more out on the cars.

TV is showing the crews out at the Ratbirds Stadium, cleaning the snow out of the seats.  They expect the Bears to arrive later tonight.  

Got myself showered and then spent about an hour playing Guitar Hero and trying out my AC/DC Rock Band.  I have a lot of room for improvement.  Highlight of the day so far:

Dinner Time!  Whoo hoooo!  Garfield would be proud.

4:30 Update
Gee, it's still snowing.  Pinky just went out to clean off the cars again.  Can I pick'em or what?

While working on the cars, she met a neighbor who is from Monroeville and proudly announced she was at Super Bowl XLIII.  Small world.  Unfortunately this season, the Super Bowl looks a million miles away.

Still a butt-load of snow out there and it's coming down hard.  Let's check the bedroom window:

That's 18".  I measured.  

Have spent the last couple hours watching the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Concert.  I've also been reading the 1st Harry Potter book.  I've always wanted to read the books, so why not start with the first one?  Couple more hours until the Pens game.  Got a little Wii Bowling on tap, until then.

7:00 Update
Still coming down hard, as is the dark.

I think I'll have to give Pinky the win in the great car-clearing debate.  People that didn't start today are going to have a very big job tomorrow.

Can't really tell the depth out the back, due to insufficient light.  But it's just about game time now. Since the Pens are at Buffalo tonight, I'm rocking the white Jordan Staal jersey.  

Since there are so many hockey games, I usually only don the mojo for Saturday night games.  Until the playoffs, of course.  Let's drop that puck!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Odd Bits - The Holiday Edition

I took my life in my hands today because I dared to go out into the madness. Not the usual weekend-before-Christmas madness, but a much more dangerous condition that’s native to Baltimore: There’s a Big Snowstorm Coming!

(click the pic to see the detail I lovingly photoshopped... poorly)

I elaborated last week on my thoughts regarding Baltimore’s snowyphobia, here.

I was off today so I had just a few things to pick up at the local Super-Colossal Store. Getting there was simple enough but once I got into the parking lot, it was like a scene from Mad Max-Beyond Parkingdome. Place was jammed and every aisle seemed full. I grabbed the first space I saw, way on the outskirts of the lot.

I don’t believe in circling indefinitely until you find that perfect spot right up close. Usually, but the time That Spot opens up, you could have walked from the lot’s nether regions and been inside shopping. In this case, though, I misplayed it. The traffic wasn’t so much people looking for spot as people trying to get out of the lot from the single exit they have. Oh well. I got what I needed, including some beer to ride out the weekend.

Not Exactly Sophie’s Choice
If you’ll permit me a bit of Penguins talk, just let me say: Wooooooooooooooooo! Swept the home and home against the hated Flyers! I hate the Flyers almost as much as I hate the Ravens. But last night, I had a bit of a tough choice to make.

I watch the Penguins games on the NHL Center Ice package. Last night it offered both the home and away announcer teams. Usually, that’s a slam-dunk. I love listening to the Pittsburgh guys. I know they’re homers, but they’re my homers. It’s irritating to listen to someone else’s homers.

BUT, the game was also on Comcast Sports Net in HD. Hockey looks terrific in HD, so it’s a no-brainer, right?

Wrong. The HD version had the call from the Philly announcers. Bleah…

So I could either:
Watch a comparatively fuzzy and pinched up broadcast but with the friendly warmth of Steiggy and Errey…

or the crystal clear and expansive HD broadcast that includes the desperate whining of the Philly team.

I ended up making the Solomonic decision to watch the HD broadcast until something happened, then flip over to the Pittsburgh feed for the details and also for the intermissions.

Jesus Vs Santa Claus
Fellow blogger Red Pen Mama started a very interesting conversation today, asking atheists, agnostics and non-believers why they bother celebrating Christmas. I was happy to contribute to the dialogue as were a number of others. I could recount my part in it here but it would be much more interesting if you had a look yourself, right here. You can always find a link to Red Pen Mama on my blogroll.

Now, just in case you ever wondered what it would sound like if Jesus and Santa ever launched a Vegas-style musical revue, you can check out this clip.

Again, I wish I could find the actual video from South Park, but real audio with these stills will have to do.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Santa Hammer

I don’t have kids, so I’m not really in the position to carry the ball on the Santa issue… to believe in Santa Claus or not to believe. Or in other words, do you lie to your children or tell them there's no Santa?
I’ve seen arguments for and against and I can’t say that any one point of view is wrong. I’d say it depends on the kid. Some would be all about the drama… “Oh, mother, why O why did you lie to me, your innocent impressionable child? (Swooning...) How can I ever trust again? "

Others are like, “I knew it! I knew he couldn’t get to all those houses in one night!"

I believed until about 2nd or 3rd grade. For a while, I had what I thought was pretty compelling evidence. Mom and Dad took me to see Santa at Horne’s. On the way through the store, I spotted a toy airplane. Dad said it was just like the one he took on business trips. So when I got to see Santa, I told him I wanted one of those planes, and damned if it wasn’t under the tree Christmas morning. I never dreamed that Santa was in cahoots with parents. Heck, they probably have a bug on Santa’s chair, with a wire straight to where the parents are waiting.

But I had my suspicions, though. When I talked to the Horne’s Santa, he had a very high, melodious voice. But the Santa that came into school had a low voice. Plus, he didn’t know that when I asked for a pool table, I meant a miniature one like my friends had, not a full size pool table. Santa is supposed to know everything. Even I knew Santa couldn’t get a whole pool table in his bag.

For a while, I thought that the Horne’s Santa was the real one, because he delivered the goods, and the school Santa was probably just a helper.

The Terrible Truth
I learned the truth on the school playground, waiting in line to get inside. I suspect that’s where most kids hear it… from other kids. I didn’t feel particularly damaged by the revelation. In fact, then I felt like I was in on the plot. I got to help Mom and Dad keep up the illusion for my younger brother and sister. I remember whispering to some relatives, when they asked me about Santa, that I didn’t believe any more, I just pretend for their benefit.

Burgh Baby had a funny post yesterday about how useful the specter of Santa can be in keeping your little one(s) in line. Many commenters also mentioned using the threat of an All-Seeing, Gift-Withholding Santa to maintain order. I don’t recall Mom ever using the Santa Hammer on us… She already had a hammer: Dad and his big Duquesne ring. That was enough. And if he wasn’t handy, there was always the Wooden Spoon. All we’d have to hear is that kitchen drawer open and we knew the time for foolishness had come to an end.

In thinking about it all, I don’t think I could deprive a child of the Santa experience. If being lied to in such a fashion is truly harmful to children, then most of the country has felt that effect. So perhaps it’s this latent Santa Rebellion that has caused such harmful cultural byproducts like leg warmers, parachute pants, mullets, rap music and Joe Millionaire.

The Ghost of Christmas Past
One time, I got to pull off a really good Santa experience. Back when I was married (cold chill runs down spine), she had a son that was 8 when we moved in together. He still believed in Santa. In fact, he still believed in Santa even when he was 12 and she told him there was no Santa. He refused to accept it. I think it was because they really didn’t like each other very much and if there was no Santa, he’d have to give her the credit for all the Christmas presents she’d gotten him over the years. Those two should have been in therapy from the day she brought him home from the hospital.

Anyway, our first Christmas as a family, she decided she’d take him to a late mass, 10:00, I believe. I had a convenient excuse for not going, what with being a heathen and all. So when they left, I swung into action, getting out all the presents, putting out the decorations, and dragging his new bike up into the living room. (We already had the tree up, but that was it.) Once I saw the headlights turn in the driveway, I ran downstairs and pretended I was asleep in the chair in front of the TV. They came in, went upstairs and voila… Santa had been there!

Wow! And I had been asleep and missed the whole thing!

That was a good night. I’d hate to see either kids or parents miss out on an experience like that.

The magic wore off soon enough though… A year or two later, the kid got up about 6 on Christmas morning, went downstairs and opened every one of his presents without us, so we got to start that Christmas day with screaming.

Like I said, Santa should have brought those two some therapy sessions for Christmas. They had problems, and they were great.

One More Carol
It occurred to me today that I forgot to mention my favorite Christmas song in my last post. You can hear it for yourselves by clicking the video below. But be warned: all those of clear moral fiber and high character should probably pass.

The song comes from South Park and is sung by the teacher, Mr. Garrison, to his room full of 3rd graders. That in no way indicates that you shouldn’t clear the room of any 3rd graders of your own, before playing.

Note: Please excuse my not using a real clip. Certain South Park clips are very hard to find on YouTube, as Viacom is vigilant in keeping their properties from appearing there. Most SP stuff comes in the form of audio from the show set to still frames or in this case, the song lyrics.

Monday, December 14, 2009

I'm Dreaming of a Silent Night

I hate traditional Christmas music. There. I said it. It’s trite, stilted, mawkish and overplayed to the point of meaninglessness.

I used to love Christmas music when I was a little boy. When I got my first record player, I had a bunch of Christmas 45’s that I would play for myself over and over. Mostly, I just like the playing of the records and watching them spin around. (Granted, I may have been the most easily amused child on earth.) But I never had anything against the usual Christmas carols.

Mom always played Christmas music on Christmas morning, but it wasn’t the usual stuff. Our little white Italian family would wake up every year to gospel of Mahalia Jackson singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing. It was very majestic and commanding of respect. (When Mahalia sings “Go Tell it on the Mountain,” you better have your ass at that mountain!)

Everything changed when I began working in record stores. Every day from Black Friday forward, it was Assault of the Jingle Bells. Christmas music, all day long for 5 straight weeks.

Once our independent store was absorbed into a larger corporation, they began sending us pre-made tapes that we were supposed to play, to supplement the list of traditional Christmas albums we were allowed to open. It was a steady stream of Johnny Mathis, Barbara Streisand, Perry Como, Nat King Cole, Elvis Presley, The Carpenters, Bing Crosby, Burl Ives, Mitch Freakin’ Miller, Elmo & Freakin Patsy’s drunken Grandma getting run over by a reindeer, and numerous compilations that featured all of the above. It was enough to stab myself in the ear with a sharpened candy cane.  Look at some of these schmucks:

This may possibly be the worst Christmas album of all time, for anyone that isn’t over 80. It’s music for people that think the New Christie Minstrels were just too mod. Oh, and FYI, Mitch Miller was an A&R man at Columbia, way back when, and passed on signing Elvis because he said no one would ever buy that kind of junk.

I used to stare at this album cover and think, “They must have made this cover for about $1.50. Look at it… 'Hey look at me, I have a stupid little hat on. And look at my tie... it's holly!  Ho ho ho'Putz...”

Of course I know now that Bing was just drunk. He must have been, or else he’d have had Frank Sinatra throw that young punk David Bowie out on his scrawny ass when he unexpectedly showed up at the house to sing Little Drummer Boy.

Things began to change a little bit when the first Mannheim Steamroller album came out in 1984. It was different… I liked that it was instrumental, yet not 50’s-style orchestral.

In 1987, the first Very Special Christmas album came out, to benefit Special Olympics. This was a collection of the usual Christmas songs, but done by contemporary artists like Whitney Houston, Sting, Eurythmics, Tom Petty, Stevie Nicks, Bryan Adams, Bon Jovi, etc. It managed to breath a little life into a tired genre, and many more Very Special Christmas albums followed.  In fact, I saw an ad in a magazine this afternoon for Very Special Christmas 7.  I checked and I've heard of exactly 3 of the artists.  That means either they're really slumming for talent, or... well, I'm too... OK, maybe I should try Mitch Miller again.

Shortly after Mannheim Steamroller Christmas came out, my favorite Christmas music of all time became available again. It had been around since 1965 but you never saw it in record stores.

Charlie Brown Christmas was always my favorite of the holiday specials, just because of the music. Now this, I can listen to all month. I’ll never forget slapping that CD on the store stereo and just watching people just light up. “Linus and Lucy” would come on and people’s feet would just start tapping. Next thing you know it’s Vince Guaraldi meets “Fame.”

I’d sell that thing out in no time. That was also a problem… once it was sold out, I couldn’t play it any more.

Once I moved to a store in a more urban setting, I learned I had a whole new set of problems… namely getting enough R&B Christmas material in stock. My first year there, I sold out of all the R&B stuff in about 10 minutes on Black Friday. Couldn’t get any more, either. The next year, I tripled my order, but only got a part of it from our warehouse and was sold out by the end of Black Friday.

My third year there, I finally got it down and went to an outside vendor and got maybe 300 cassettes of Christmas music by The Temptations, and a ton by all the other Motown groups… Stevie Wonder, Four Tops, Jackson Five, Supremes, plus James Brown and the Phil Spector Christmas Album… They were much more fun to play in the store.

I used to bend the ear of a rep at Alligator Records, which is a wonderful, independent blues label out of Chicago, and I’d always tell her, “Please… you have to come up with a Blues Christmas album… I’ll sell a ton of them for you… It’ll kill!”

They finally did… once I was out of that store, of course. They’ve actually done two and they’re both great fun.
Not that I’m trying to write commercials for any of these… I’m just telling you what I like. In fact, last month I burned myself a Christmas Compilation CD featuring stuff I’ve mentioned here, plus tracks from Lynyrd Skynyrd, guitarists Jeff Beck, Steve Vai, Brian Setzer, The Fabulous Thunderbirds and so on. That was my sound track for putting up the tree this year. There really is a lot of interesting Christmas music out there.

So why is it that we always hear the same lame crap over and over again? I swear if I hear one more commercial with that stupid Nutcracker riff… you know… that

Plinky plink-plink plink-plink
Plink-plink-plink
Plunk-plunk-plunk
Plunky plunky plunk…

I may be missing a few plinks, but you know what I mean… Every year I tell myself I’m going to count how many times I hear it on a commercial.

And after it hits 100, I start sharpening the candy canes.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Weekend Wrap Up

Hmmm, what is there to talk about? Did anything happen yesterday? I have this vague feeling of unease, but I can’t quite pinpoint it. Maybe it will come back to me.

I was off today, so I slept late and wrapped Christmas presents this afternoon. I am horrible at it. When I’m done, it always looks like a 3rd grader did it.

Wait… check that. I saw a 3rd grader wrap once and she was way better than me. She had to wrap something for her mom and it was cut… fold… tape… voila! Macy’s couldn’t have done it any better.

Maybe I need to hang out at a playground and lure some unsuspecting 3rd grader to wrap for me. Hey kid… I have Kit Kats… wanna wrap a bit?

What could go wrong with that?

Luckily my family is used to my gift-wrapping being an epic fail.

Epic Fail fail fail fail

EPIC. FAIL…

OK, why are those words resonating with me? It’s like there was some tragedy lurking just past my consciousness that I just can’t reel in. Hmmm…

So then, this afternoon, I nipped up to the post office to mail the package to my parents. What a treat. There were about 9 people in front of me and 3 clerks working, so there shouldn’t have been much of a wait. Shouldn’t have been.

I don’t know where the mutants in front of me came from, but it’s like they’ve never shipped anything before.

“Insurance? How much is that? Does it come with Express Shipping? How about Priority Shipping? What’s the difference between Express and Priority? How much is it for online tracking? If I send my package from Baltimore by Priority mail and my friend leaves the west coast on the Expressway, how much would their car insurance be if I tracked it online? What? No I haven’t filled any forms out, so let me do it right here at the counter. That giant line of people behind me won’t mind…”

That’s when I leapt to the front of the line, grabbed the Priority Mail packing tape and spun the tape around this idiot’s mouth and then jammed him down the package chute. I believe I got my first standing ovation ever, for disposing of that loser…

Loser loser loser

LOSER-ER-ER.

What the hell is that? What’s with that sense of disgust and revulsion I feel deep inside? What loser? Man, I got to cut back on the heroin in my Diet Coke.

Onward… I’m glad so many of you enjoyed the tales from our football road trips to Cleveland. It was always a great time getting together as the Pittsburgh Steelers played the Cleveland Browns.

The Cleveland Browns. Browns Browns

THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!

STEELERS… BROWNS…

EPIC FAIL!

LOSERS!!

Oh my God, there was a game last night… and… and… THE STEELERS LOST TO THE GOD DAMNED CLEVELAND BROWNS.

I’m seeing it all now…

Sack after sack after sack…

And not even because Ben held it too long… the Browns were coming like the giant bugs in Starship Troopers.

I see running for 4 yards. I see running for 5 yards. I see… what? Passing on 3rd and 1 and getting sacked?? Who does that? Why would anyone pass on 3rd and 1 when you’re ripping off chunks of yards on the ground?

I see Ben’s passes clanking off receiver’s hands. I see throws getting pegged into the dirt. I see a defense that can’t stop that Cribbs around left end. Why can’t anyone tackle that guy? Everyone knows where he’s going…

I tried everything in my power. I tried a whole new set of mojo apparel.

I went with a Jack Lambert classic jersey pullover. None of my usual lower-wear was working so I went back to what worked during last year’s stretch run… the AC/DC jammie pants. I also put away the Steelers socks I’ve worn for every game during the last 3 years.

When Cribbs returned that punt back to the 9, I realized I hadn’t grabbed my Terrible Towel yet. I put it over my right leg as usual. No better. I put it over my lap. Nothing.

I even tried moving the Terrible Gnome from the base of the TV to the coffee table. No dice. Nothing worked. The Steelers continued to suck.

I see a last second drive, inside a stadium that’s half empty. Where’d the Browns fans go, now during what could be their finest hour?

But surely Ben would pull it out? Ben, who has never lost to the Browns, ever, would never allow this kind of fail.

8th sack of the game, by the 32nd ranked defense in a 32-team league.

Third and 19… OK, they got 13. Surely they’ll convert 4th and 6… right? They won’t actually LOSE to these clowns, can they?

Ben drops back… passes… hits the guy right in the chest… the Browns guy.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Birth of the Terrible Road Trip

When I was growing up, the game when the Steelers visited Cleveland was the biggest one of the year because given our proximity, living 2 hours away in Toledo, we made a tradition of taking a road trip to the game.

The first year we went, 1979, it was a small affair. My Dad took me and my brother and sister. We drove out, went to the game, then drove home. This is still the most memorable of the games we went to, because the Steelers won that one 51-35. The game featured 2 long runs, one by Franco and one by Rocky, right into our end zone.

We had such a good time, we decided to make it an annual event, and hey, why not take some friends? This time period coincided with the emergence of The Barn and we were busily infecting our neighborhood friends’ minds with Steeler-mania.

We started by bringing a couple of the neighbor girls to the game in 1980. By 1985, Dad was ordering 30 tickets from the Browns ticket office. He’d phone in his order on the day they went on sale and with a seating capacity of over 77,000 people in that butthole of a stadium, he never had a problem getting however many he wanted. It also helped that back then, they were only about $20 a pop. Granted, the seats were usually lousy… low in the end zone… but hey, we were in the house.

Now, going to the game was fun, but the Saturday before became what the weekend was all about.

Black and Gold Star Hotel
The second year we went out, Dad decided we should go on Saturday and stay at the Marriott on I-71. Nice rooms, nice pool and whirlpool, and convenient freeway access. What we didn’t know until we got there was that the Steelers themselves stayed there too. Consequently, the place was jammed packed with Steelers fans. And remember who was playing for the Steelers back then… All the legends were there… Swanny, Stallworth, Bradshaw, Franco, Rocky, Lambert, Ham… You couldn’t turn around without running into a Hall of Famer.

Around Pittsburgh, this might not be a big deal.  But this was 1980 and we lived in northwest Ohio.  We never got to see these guys at places like store openings or around town.  It was a luxury if we could see them on TV.  Seeing these guys up close was a very big deal to us.

Through the years, we got our act down to a science. Our convoy would roll in Saturday afternoon and we’d check in, requesting adjoining rooms where possible. Once in the rooms, the first order of business would be to ice down the 8-10 case of beer we’d bring.

We found that the bathtub was best for this. Here’s a tip if you ever find yourself in such a situation: First, forget about using the tiny little ice bucket. Grab trash cans. Then raid the ice machines one floor above and one floor down. That way, you still have ice for screwdrivers at the tailgate on Sunday morning. You then lay down one layer of beer bottles, then a layer of ice, another layer of bottles, and so forth until you have this:

Obviously, no one would be showering in this bathroom. Room occupants would use the shower in the adjoining room, if need be.

Once the beer was iced, we’d get into our swimsuits and go take over the pool area. The Marriott had a great pool, with big glass windows dividing it from an entrance hallway. It was so cool, during those December games, to be in there swimming and looking at the snow blowing outside.

Eventually, the Steelers bus would appear and we could see them getting their room keys from the pool area. One year, they had the table set up right in front of the pool window/wall. Each player had a little card on the table with his room number. Which we could see. Man, we got a lot of autographs THAT year… And Marriott never set up like that again.

One year, we actually had rooms on the same floors that the Steelers did. They were restricting access to the players’ floors by then, but they had to let us in, obviously. I remember my sister took a used fork from Lynn Swann’s room service tray after he set it outside. She kept it in a baggie for years after, I think.

So after the Steelers bus arrived, we would all set out to look for players to get pictures and autographs. I didn’t really autograph hunt that much… I figured I was too grown for that, but I did take pictures where I could. Now my brother, he was the Autograph Master. He’d have a big stack of Sports Illustrateds and Steelers Digests under his arm and upon spotting a player, could always pull something out with their picture on the cover.

The elevators were a great place to player-watch. Plus, if you jumped in the elevator right before the doors closed like my brother did when a player got on, you’d have a slam dunk autograph opportunity.
Art Rooney Sr. was still around back then and was always willing to sign for the kids, even to the point of aggravating his son Dan. One time he was signing for a little group of kids, with Dan Rooney, his wife, Coach Chuck Noll and his wife waiting for him so they could go have dinner. Dan called to him to get a move-on, but The Chief wouldn’t budge until he’d signed for everyone.

 No one hurries The Chief.

A Quick Detour
In September of 1981, my Dad took us out of school for a couple days to go with him down to Miami. He had business, but there just happened to be a Steelers Thursday night game against the Dolphins. Again, we stayed in the same hotel as the Steelers. (Amazingly, back then you could just call the Steelers office and they would tell you where they were staying. Try that nowadays…)

For this hotel trip, all the Steelers were there, but practically no other Steelers fans. We basically had the whole team to ourselves. The Steelers were just lying around the pool outside, hanging out.
My brother approached one klatch of players, Bennie Cunningham, John Stallworth, Donnie Shell and Mel Blount. He asked, “Could I please take your picture?”

Bennie said, “Knock yourself out, baby.”   This is what he got:

Sometime that afternoon, we struck up a conversation with punter Craig Colquitt and rookie kicker Dave Trout. We told them about how much different the scene in Cleveland was and said we’d see them there.

Back to Cleveland
So that November, there we were in the Cleveland Marriott, and there was Colquitt and Trout again. My dad finagled an invitation to come up to their room to hang out, so up we went, about a dozen of us crammed into the players’ room.

Colquitt standing to the left, Trout in the gold sweatshirt. Love the old instamatic C110 camera!

They were very patient and very gracious, but I’m sure they were glad to see us go. Later, my dad started calling up to other players’ rooms, saying, “But we were just up in Colquitt’s room…” No one else bit on that, though.

Clubbing
Once it got to be evening, we all headed to the hotel’s bar. They always had either a DJ and dance floor, or a band playing. Dad was very proficient at getting lots of underage kids into the place too. “This is my daughter,” he’d say as he breezed another one through the doors. The youngsters weren’t drinking in there anyway, (there was more than enough beer in the room), but we and the other Steelers fans that had taken over the place laughed and chanted and danced the night away.

We’d usually have at it until the wee hours and just before we wore ourselves out, we’d walk next door to the Denny’s beside the hotel. God, that was just perfect! Nothing like that late night Grand Slam breakfast before bed. Then we’d retire to our rooms and collapse in beds, on floors, couches, pretty much any horizontal surface.

The next morning, always too early, we’d muster to watch the Steelers get on the bus. It was the last chance to wish our heroes well. People would line the hallway leading to the side door where the busses were, pressing forward as the players walked by. Except for Lambert. When Jack Lambert went by with his gameface on, everyone just stayed back and went, “Have a nice game, Mr. Lambert.” Jack was always primed for the Browns game.

Jack and his game-face.

He was also a stickler for manners. Woe be to the kid that said to him, “Gimme your autograph,” or “hey, sign this.”

Jack would bark, “I will NOT. Until you ask me politely.”

Kid would stammer, “Could I have your autograph, please?”

Jack would say, “Yes you may,” and sign away. 


That’s my brother getting Jack’s autograph when we were in Miami. Love the butt hanging out of Jack's mouth.

In the early years, we’d tailgate down at the Stadium parking lot. And it was always miserable out on Steelers/Browns day. Rain, sleet, snow, freezing rain… if it wasn’t ugly, it wasn’t Cleveland.

Posing in front of Cleveland Municipal Butthole Stadium

In later years, (early 90’s) we started tailgating in the Marriott parking lot. Was much easier that way, and we’d have that ice for our screwdrivers. Geez, Dad used to make them in these 32 oz. paper cups. That woke your ass up in a hurry. We’d grill and drink and throw the ball around, then take the subway down to the stadium.

We usually sat low in the closed end zone. Sometimes we’d be far enough back to be under the overhang, but other times not. The problem with sitting so low is that you have no perspective on the action. A play could gain 2 yards or 15, and you just couldn’t tell until they posted the yard line on the scoreboard. And remember, this was before the giant replay scoreboards. All you had to watch was the actual game.

Lambert brings his defense onto the field.

We had seats in the open end zone once, back before it became the Dawg Pound. It was still pretty rough though, even then. You also had to be careful not to go into the rest rooms alone. People got jumped in there or on the concourses all the time. I could go on about the various indignities that went with a Cleveland game but I pretty much covered it in my I Hate the Ravens (that used to be the Browns) post.

Even during day games, it was always dark in Cleveland.  Look at those crappy seats.

Sneaking liquor into the game was always a fun pastime. For the late year games, we always brought brandy in little plastic hip flasks. They searched you coming in, but if you put the flask down the front of your pants, they never checked there. Dad had the greatest trick of all… his Bar-Noculars. In other words, it was a 2-sided flask that looked like a pair of binoculars. Each eye piece screwed off and the booze was inside the core. He’d walk right up to the frisker with what looked like 2 sets of binoculars around his neck (1 real pair), put his arms out and just smile.

One particularly raw day, I killed one of the flasks of brandy by myself. I tried to share around, but no one else wanted any. I nursed it all game and never felt the slightest bit drunk. I never had to pee, so I never moved the whole game. So when the game was over and I got up to leave… whoa Nelly…

Once my blood started moving all that alcohol around, I was in serious trouble. I barely made it out to the car. I sat there in the passenger seat, just kind of head bobbing. It was like the world kept flipping up and up and up. Dad asked me if I was OK. I said I thought my vertical hold was busted. (Those of you that remember the old TVs will get that reference.) But at least I made it home without hurling. But that was a rough ride. But the lesson was learned no hoggin’ the flask!

There are so many more Cleveland stories; way more than I can tell here. Perhaps I can pull more out in the future, but for now, let me just leave you with some more pictures…

Franco and Mean Joe Greene:  Too much Hall of Fame for one hallway.


Rocky Blier.  There's no describing the awe in peoples voices when the Rock walked by.  "Fighting Back".  Enough said.


Mel Blount entertains the girls.


Coach Chuck Noll, being cool.


Former QB and current commentator Mark Malone entertains some other girls.