Early last month, I wrote a post about my hopes and dreams for
retirement, which is that I can finally take it easy and do things that I want
to do. Of course, my time frame was about two years down the road. Looks like
that’s not happening.
Remember when I wrote about telling my boss my feelings about a prospective forced
return to work? It’s not prospective anymore. They want us back in three days
per week, starting right after Labor Day. Months ago, I heard it would happen
when my company moves to a new building in January. But last week, my boss said the directive would be early September instead. I hoped there would be some
kind of appeal process or other wiggle room to negotiate because I have no
intention of complying.
Well, the memo came out yesterday and there was zero
wiggle room. It’s happening to everyone, even those who don’t live near our
offices. (I have no idea how that’s going to work.) It came from our CEO and
contained lots of happy talk about enhanced collaboration and teamwork. They’re
offering us two more personal days too, and two weeks in the summer when we can
work from anywhere (just like I can right now).
As I mentioned before, I’m the only one who does what I
do. If I were to disappear, they would be truly fucked. There are complicated
processes and details surrounding my world. I have some self-written
procedures, which I may or may not share. Without my guidance, no one would
have the slightest idea what to do.
My first instinct was to nuke the whole thing from orbit,
but after conferring with my brother, he convinced me I should offer the 90
days the company wants before retiring, on the condition that I do that time at
home. He said I’d regret going out in a bad way. And if they don’t go along, I can
retire effective the day after Labor Day, the first day we’d have to go in.
So I spoke to my boss this morning, and as I suspected,
this is a universal edict. Even knowing the barrel I have them over, they would
not let me run out my time training my replacement at home. So, I told her I’d
be retiring on September 2nd. I didn’t yell, didn’t get pissed, and
just remained calm and resolute. I could see the panic set in as she realized
that I couldn’t possibly train anyone fully in only 18 days, without devoting
eight hours a day to it. And if I did that, all my real-time duties would
remain undone. It’s not like I’m going to kill myself accommodating them, not
after robbing me of two years’ work.
Yes, I know I could just go in, but I don’t see it that
way. I feel like they changed the deal. They gave me 100% work-from-home status
for the last five years, and my life is fully adapted to that. Going into the
office again, with the 90-minute round-trip commute, lack of lunch options, and
having to work in the middle of an open-walled circus, is not my idea of fun.
My dad always said he’d work as long as he enjoyed it and
his boss didn’t bug him. I’ve been using that as my guide all along. I’m lucky
that I have the option to retire. In fact, I told the boss this morning that if
this had happened 10 years ago, “yes, I’d
go into the office, but I’d be resentful and probably do a half-assed job.”
All positive feelings about my work and the place would be gone; just as gone
as the likelihood I’d ever take a call or answer an email after hours, like I
do now.
She wanted me to talk to an HR guy and gave me his name,
so I could “ask questions and learn about
the process,” and I emailed him immediately. He never responded, which was
not a surprise. I do want to hear what they have to say before I do anything irreversible,
which is the only reason I didn’t submit my plans today. I wonder how many
people are doing the same. Maybe I’m an outlier, maybe I’m part of an open
rebellion. And maybe cooler heads will prevail, and accommodations will be made.
However, until then, my next task is to determine the maximum pressure my printer/scanner can withstand when I sit on the glass, to create my
resignation letter.
