Saturday, January 30, 2010

Odd Bits - Sick and Tired Edition

That’s me today, sick and tired. 

I started getting sore throat yesterday afternoon and I got very little sleep last night because the congestion kept closing my throat up when I’d nod off.  I spent most of the night trying to sleep upright in my chair.  So excuse me if I’m a little unfocused and disjointed while I sit here, whacked on store-brand NyQuil, with my throat feeling like it’s full of ground glass, trying to peck out a little something for your entertainment.

It worked out well the last time I got sick… I taught myself how to make a primitive Internet video.  I wouldn’t count on such magic again this time.

*****

We’re getting a piece of that Big Killer Death Storm that’s been icing it’s way across the country.  I just looked out my window and saw a lady walking in the snow with an umbrella.

Is that a thing elsewhere in the country?  I swear, I’ve never in my life seen someone with an umbrella in the snow, before I moved to Baltimore.  Is that just part of the local Baltimore snow-hysteria, or do other people do it too and I just never noticed?

*****

It was only for a fund-raiser, I swear!  I know that carmel corn and summer sausage aren’t the best things for me, but it’s for The Children! 

My good buddy’s daughter was circulating a website where we, her benefactors, can make purchases that go to her school choir.  So that’s how I came to be in possession of these particular treats. 

And that also explains how I came to tell Pinky last night, “Leave me alone to check my email or I’ll have to beat you with my beef stick,” and it actually made sense.

Boy, I wish we had fund raising websites when I was a kid.  We used to have to haul our little asses up and down the street, knocking on doors and trying to sell candy, leaf bags, flower seeds… God, I hated that.

I figure it was all a plot for my parents to get me kidnapped.  One less mouth to feed and all.

*****

You know it’s cold outside when you come in the house and go sit on the toilet the seat is actually feels warm on your ass.

I also think the only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one and not knowing who just warmed it up.

*****

You know what else I wonder?  Is arm hair genetically programmed to grow only that long?  Or does it just fall out before it can grow long like head hair?

OK, that was probably the NyQuil talking.

I’ve always hated my hair.  All I ever wanted was to have nice, smooth, perfect bangs and hair that lay down just so.  Preferably blonde. 

No luck though…  I had hair that just would not obey.  One side would always flip in, the other side would flip outward.  As a teenager, I would blow-dry my hair straight down and then put on a ski cap… winter, summer, whatever… all in an attempt to bring some kind of order to my hair.

It worked like a charm though, right up until the time I’d take off the ski cap to go to school and the first molecule of air would blow by my skull and BANG… hair going every which way.

It wasn’t until I got to college that I finally came to an understanding with my hair.  I was visiting one of my buddies in Georgia on vacation and was just sick and tired of messing with the mop on my head.  So I dove in the pool, got out, shook off my head and said, “Whatever it does, that’s what it will be.  I give up.”

Turns out, I had curly hair.  Even more so after I took my buddy’s mom’s advice and got a perm.  Made me look like the drummer from the band, Boston.  But once that passed I had a brief spell when everything looked OK.

I say “brief” spell because just as soon as I accepted the hair with which I was graced, it all fell out… I was cueballed by 25.

Sometimes life is grossly unfair.

But I make up for it now in time saved by getting haircuts that take all of 7 minutes.  Add that to my sock-sorting time saved and I get a nice cache nest of free time.

Now I just have to figure out a way to cash it in, preferably right after my alarm goes off on cold winter mornings.

*****

Now before I go and try to nap, let me leave you with this… 

This video just cracks me right the hell up every time I see it.  It’s a Bud Lite ad that may have run during a previous Super Bowl, but I’m not sure.  I would love to see something like this in my office… 


Poop!

15 comments:

  1. Sorry you are not feeling well Tony, Why not find a way to email chicken soup. Too bad this weekend only has, for your comfort, the Senior Bowl and Pro Bowl. BUT there is alays the Pen/Red Wings. Versus has the Buffalo game Mon. night so I can't watch it on Directv. POOP. Get well soon,

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  2. Just finished up some Wedding Soup. Not like Grandma's, but still pretty good.

    I'm looking forward to that Pens/Wings match... will probably be the high point of the weekend, win or lose.

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  3. Chicken Soup energies are coming to you before the storm, I hope. Be sure to inhale.
    Speaking of hair reminds me of HAIR in which everyone has wild, wiggy locks which are cool as were yours. And you and your little Buds sat on the front steps singing in your reedy little angelic voices, "Sod-o-mee Felati-O...". Those were the days and the stocking cap looked very sharp in the morning with ragged cut-offs and no shirt. Now THERE was an ensemble!
    Be warm and well.

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  4. I can't wait for the Pens/Wings game. Kisses on all the goals either way! I hope the Pens win, like, 11-10! Oh, and my wife's best friend and I have a pride bet riding on it.

    I'm sorry you're feeling lousy. Colds must be going up and down the East Coast--I'm just now getting over one. The snow's not gonna help. I have actually gone out in it with an umbrella, too, when it was light, and I've seen older women do it. When the Indian family first moved in next door to me, they had a steep learning curve when it came to snow, and the kids carried umbrellas their first winter.

    At least you got to understand and enjoy your hair for a minute. :-)

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  5. Mary Ann:
    You really should have taught us the proper words to the Hair soundtrack... I'm sure we were fracturing some of those words into what we thought we'd heard.

    Lilo:
    Welcome back, sister! I missed you coming 'round. I was going to leave a note on your site tomorrow, hoping your "Civil War" at 12:30 goes our way.

    Hope you're feeling OK...

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  6. I'm in Minnesota, please tell me the Big Killer Death Storm is not coming to Minnesota!

    I have never seen someone use an umbrella in the snow.

    Mmmmmm beef stick.

    I've had a running fight going with my hair most of my life. For a while I found a haircut that I really liked but now it's too short for that so now I'm back to fighting with it again, so I feel your pain. Well, not on the baldness part though, but you know what I mean.

    Sorry, It's been a long week and I'm not exactly all with the sense making today.

    Hope you feel better soon!

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  7. Raven:
    No, I don't think it went that far north. For the most part, it came across Oklahoma, Iowa, Tennessee, and is now in the east.

    I'm sure no self-respecting Minnesotan would use an umbrella in the snow.

    Thanks for the good wishes. Colds suck.

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  8. Actually, saying "colds blow" would be more accurate than "colds suck", unless you're one of those who loudly snorts up his snots, then expeditiously expectorates. Classy.

    Winter storm is also affecting Sarasota, raining on the tourists and snowbirds who paid big money to come to the Sunshine State and rent beachfront condos. It ain't pretty.

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  9. Dick:
    I accede to the gentleman from Sarasota. This cold definitely blows.

    I hate it when your near someone who's sounds like they're snorting a milkshake. "Blow you nose, for Pete's sake... Blow it the hell out of there and get on with your day. You're grossing out our pets!"

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  10. Hells yeah, it came across Oklahoma. Like a moneyshot to the face.

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  11. There's that way with words you have, again, Sal.

    We lucked out... Baltimore just got about 5" of snow, with no ice. No big deal here.

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  12. It sucked ass. The worst part was knowing I couldn't go anywhere.

    So, with a big 'fuck you' to Mother Nature, I walked two blocks before succumbing to frostbite.

    In other news, my hero Rip Torn got the drunks on and passed out in a bank on my birthday. I'd like to think his shenanigans were in my honor.

    Sometimes, we are hosting an intergalactic kegger.

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  13. Why is it that the only time I want to go out is when I can't?

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  14. Perhaps it's a girl thing, but you know it's cold out when your pee feels like it's boiling hot!

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  15. Cassie,
    That's definitely a girl thing.

    What I want to know is why you feel colder with a full bladder than you do after you've emptied it? You'd think it would be like having a hot water bottle inside you.

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