Thursday, October 31, 2013

Winepocalypse

Oh my GAWD!  The wine is running out!  The wiiiiiiiine is running out!

I saw a news article today stating that due to increasing consumption and decreasing production, we may be looking at a worldwide wine shortage in the coming years.

Sitcom Kelly tipped me off to the story yesterday.  I’m guessing she’s already converting her basement Pit into an earthen wine cellar, in anticipation of the wine drought.  Best to lay in supplies now, while stock is full, choices are wide and prices are low.  I mean, people are going to have to prepare for this.  And wine will keep!
Sitcom Kelly's recycle bin, after a long weekend.
I’m just waiting for the ripples to hit the female blogging community.  I’m not trying to be sexist, but you can’t help but notice that wine comes up a great deal in blogs and Facebook posts written by women.  A wine shortage can make that whole Sex in the City / Wine-Therapy theme collapse like a house of cards.

Granted, there may be a lot of male bloggers that lean on wine as well; I just don’t see them.  Maybe I need to follow more dudes.  (And that’s a line I never thought I’d type.)

I like wine as much as anyone, but I’m just as happy with beer or some Jack on the rocks.  Call me when there’s a shortage of Miller Lite or Bud Ice. 

As you can see from my pedestrian tastes, I’m certainly no beer snob.  I like good old watery American light beer.  (Or “ice” beer, for that extra kick.)  Someone has to keep the major breweries in business… 

My Uncle Gordon, who is English, once told me, “American beer is for people that don’t like the taste of beer.”  I suppose he’s right, but whatevs… I likes what I likes.

Last weekend when I was at my regular sports bar watching the Steelers get their asses kicked again, (dammit…) the proprietor was all excited to get me to try a taste of his new pumpkin spiced ale.  I took a taste, and said it was “OK,” but inside, I was like “Bleah! This tastes like ass.”  I just don’t like strong beer.  I’m surprised he couldn’t tell that, from my regular orders of Miller Lite.  He probably just wanted to see the look on my face.  Freakin’ Ratbird fans…

I can only imagine what might happen once this wine shortage goes into effect.  Wine rationing?  Check.  Stampedes at the liquor store?  Check.  Purchasing grape futures?  Check.  People making bad wine at home?  Check.  Shady back-alley deals for some Chardonnay?  Check.  Raging cases of Pinot envy?  Check.

So if you’re a wine connoisseur, winophile, or just a wino, you may want to stockpile some supplies, while the gettin’s good. 

The future is not looking very rosé.  [Snork!]


9 comments:

  1. I think the whole shortage thing is pure marketing tripe. They said the same thing about Twinkies and the whole country lost it's obese, diabetic mind. Then they came back in a few months and it was like, "Oh yeah, I forgot how terrible these things taste."

    Like death and taxes, there will always be plenty of wine, and beer that tastes like ass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crap, I know the difference between its and it's. This thing needs an edit feature.

      Delete
    2. I hope you’re right, buddy. But it’s (and I got that one right) not acceptable to toy with the emotions of the Nation’s winos. Wine withdrawal is nothing to be trifled with.

      And yes, I’m intentionally letting that preposition dangle… Writing “Wine withdrawal is nothing with which to be trifled” sounds pompous.

      But I agree, one should be able to edit one’s own comments.

      Delete
  2. "I like good old watery American light beer." And this is why I love you.

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    1. And you drink Mich ultra! which makes Coors Light look like moonshine...

      Delete
  3. You are incredibly proud of that "raging cases of pinot envy" aren't you?

    And I'm just gonna consider this some sort of urban myth. Like hearing about that friend's cousin's roommate that woke up in a bathtub full of ice with a kidney missing. It will never happen. So just shut it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU for acknowledging that joke! Yes, I am the proud parent of that little gem, and couldn’t be happier if you complimented the attractiveness of my offspring… if I had any.

      Director’s DVD Commentary / Writer’s Workshop Moment: I came up with the “Future is not looking very rosé” joke first, which prompted me to scan my memory banks for other possible wine puns, and then create the preceding paragraph just so I could work in the “pinot” line.

      You know, ever since I’ve heard the news, I’ve been thinking, “I gotta start drinking more wine, while I still can, cuz I’m missing out,” thus contributing to the creation of said shortage.

      Delete
  4. Wine, scmine. Let me know when you hear about key lime pie martini or blueberry margarita shortages.

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    Replies
    1. Sure, you’re saying that now, when you can’t drink. I’ll check back in a year or two, when you have a toddler and a couple teenagers in the house.

      Delete

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