Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Bluz Sings the Blues

My post from last weekend was taken from an email about how to sing and play the Blues.  That reminded me that I once wrote my own Blues song, so I thought I’d share.

The thing is, I don’t know how to write songs.  I have no musical ability at all.  But the thing with the Blues is, you don’t need any.  For the words, well, that last post told you all you need to know.  For the music?  It’s completely derivative.  There are only a couple of different riffs and tempos.  Just write about your pain, pick a tempo and go.

So, back in 2004, I was coming back from a very filling lunch.  I don’t remember where we went, but I remember feeling absolutely packed.  I complained to my cubicle neighbor, “Oh, man I got the full-belly blues…”

[Ding!]  Inspiration struck.  About ten minutes later, I had the following song.  Muddy Waters, eat your heart out!  (You know, if you weren't already dead.)

The Full Belly Blues, by Jackleg Cranberry Coolidge*

Da da N da dat…  (traditional slow blues riff, like the one Thorogood lifted for Bad to the Bone)
Just came back from lunch…     (Da da N da dat)
It was All You Can Eat…             (Da da N da dat)
And I ate it ALL…                        (Da da N da dat)
Now I’m stuck in my seat…    

Now I got da bluuuues…
The Fully Belly Blues…           
I’m stuffed to the shooooes…
Wit ‘dem Full Belly Blues.

Now I don’t wanna think…            (Da da N da dat)
I don’t wanna do crap…                (Da da N da dat)
I don’t wanna do nothing…           (Da da N da dat)
But go take a nap…
I got me da Bluuuues…
Them big ol’ Full Belly Blues…
I’ll be payin’ my dues…
Wit ‘dose Full Belly Blues

My pants are too tight                    (Da da N da dat)
And my shirt, it don’t fit                  (Da da N da dat)
And dat ain’t gonna change,         (Da da N da dat)
Till I go take a… oooooooooooooh  

I just got dem Bluuuuues…
Those Full Belly Blues…
Just wanna lay down and snoooooze…

With those belly packin’…  (Pow!)
Lip smackin’…                     (Pow!)
Over snackin’…                   (Pow!)
Big Mac’in’…                       (Pow!)
Self control lackin’…           (Pow!)
Pepto Bismal Fast Act’in… (Pow!)
[urp!] somebody get me a na’kin…  (Pow! Pow!)
Gotta make a fast 5 o’clock getaway so I had to back-in…  (Pow! Pow! Pow!)
Full… Belly… Bloooooooooze….

(Big flourish….)  Now ‘scuse me, I don’t feel so good…

* In the comments of the last post, I claimed “Jackleg Cranberry Coolidge” as my official Bluesman name. And those "Pow"s are meant to be big single-chord strikes.


  1. "Jackleg Cranberry Coolidge" That's a goddamn essay! You have GOT to be kidding. Cut that down to Cran Coo or Leg Berry. Then you got a blues name.

    1. I'm just following the rules... A malady, a fruit, and a a president, that's a blues name.

  2. OOOps. You are correct. But what about Blind Mellon Chitlin? Poetic license or comedy prerogative?

    1. Both, at least until we have a President Chitlin. Although the Tea Party might say we have one now.

  3. Consider: Fever Fig Nixon; Bunion Apple Eisenhower; Turftoe Tomato Truman; Gout Grape Garfield; Colic Cantaloupe Clinton...
    Please stop me in Too Much Time on My Hands retirement mode.

  4. I would like to propose: Misty Berry Bush*

    Got a nice ring, yes?

    * Please note that this is in no way an endorsement of either of my namesakes' previous terms of office. It just worked with the rest is all.

    1. Misty Berry sounds like a new flavor of Mountain Dew.

      You could always consider Misty Berry Buchanan… I don’t know anything about his policies, but I know James Buchanan was a bachelor. So that means he probably didn’t dress himself very well. That’s a pretty “blues” characteristic.

      So how about some comments about the SONG, huh? Man, this is enough to give me the blues again… The No One Like My Blues Song Blues.

    2. It's very . . . bluesy?

      Yeah, I don't know. You're probably gonna need to get feedback from some of your menfolk. I'm a girl, so a song about needing to poop doesn't really inspire me, ya know? Sorry Bluzy Blues.

    3. Oh, come on… that was one line! (OK, it was the best one… point taken.)

      So how about you write the Ninja Snap Blues? Should be easy, because rhymes in a blues song are very forgiving… You could rhyme “cellphone” with “elbow” and pull it off…

  5. Great Blues. You are so on to the genre. Love Good Blues but have always been funky folk: 'I was stand'in in the street/when a very ugly man/ came up n' tied his horse t' me...' d'dang, dang...' Big Mama Honeydo

    1. Female blues singers tend to go "big mama." You should be Lil' Mama...

  6. OK. Lil Mama Kumquat Howzat! Or Kiwi Mama Jelly Jar Or Lil Kiwi PeePants
    O BOY! There goes my day.

  7. What a great song! You got it goin' ON!
    My other half is a harp player and he looovvves the blues. If you ever take your show on the road, he can be your sidekick.

    1. It’s a deal! Now we just need a guitarist… Wouldn’t be right, just having some guy with a mic going, “Da da n da dat…”


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