Steelers Recap - Week 2

Well, that sucked. Looks like this shirt is out of “Jilly’s rotation.” Nothing worse than when the Steelers lose and the Ratbirds win at the same time. Ughhhh…

I also realized that it’s a lot tougher to keep notes on the game when there’s no sound and you’re drinking copious amounts of beer. But for what it’s worth, these are my thoughts on the game as it unfolded.

* Ben had lots of time to pass and looked almost surgical on that first possession. Too bad they had to piss around for the rest of the half.

* In watching the Ratbirds game on another screen, diminutive running back Darrin Sproles almost broke Ed Reed’s ankle on a great inside cutback. Running backs should do that more often… how many times do you see someone trucking down the sideline and eventually get nudged out of bounds. I think as soon as anyone comes near them they should make a hard move to the inside. They should get a couple more yards at minimum, if not take it all the way.

* We’re actually running decently. Funny how much better the running backs look when there’s actually a hole to run through.

* Looks like a downpour started around the 2nd quarter. That had to de-motivate crowd at least a little bit. I’ve sat in games like that before and it’s just miserable. I remember a game in San Francisco where the sky opened up in the 2nd quarter and just poured for the rest of the game. I was so wet, even the money in my wallet was soaked.

* Tyrone Carter really laid the lumber on some guy, knocking them both out of the game. Ty came back… I don’t know about the other guy. (No sound…) Bears still drive and come out with a TD, tying the game at 7-7 right before halftime.

* 3rd down and 3 early in the 3rd quarter and Ben takes a sack? Where’s that quick hitter to Santonio across the middle?

* Chicago has 2 false start penalties on the same series in their own house? Sounds like the yips, to me.

* Welcome to the party, Mendenhall! He goes 10 yards with the ugliest screen pass ever and then rips off about 40 yards through a big hole.

*Ben dives over a guy into the end zone for a big TD. Ben versus a db is a complete mismatch. No way he wasn’t going to score there.

* After a good drive, Ben is sacked again on 3rd and 9, after which Skippy misses a 38 yard FG. Reed doesn’t miss those very often…

* It’s up to the defense now, but the Bears hit a wide-open receiver for about 30. They move down to the 10 with precision passing. Steelers are blitzing but just can’t get there in time. Bears score on a pass against Tyrone Carter. Troy looks pained on the sidelines. Skippy’s miss is looming large.

* Steelers ball 1st and 10 at the 29 with 6 minutes to go. It’s Ben time. Steelers drive down the field on a pass to Hines, Mewelde Moore goes for 15, Ben runs 5 for a first down. Suddenly it’s 3rd and 2 deep in Bears territory when Santonio has a ball dribble down his chest in the end zone. I know Santonio should have caught it but why not just get the 1st down? First things first!

* Skippy misses another one, this time from 43. I don’t think I ever remember the Foul Dwarf missing 2 FGs in one game… Why are we screwing around with these Chicago clowns? No sluts for Skippy tonight. Maybe he should grow that ridiculous hairdo back.

* Bears drive down the field, eating up all kinds of time and kick a field goal with 15 seconds left in the game. Steelers fumble the kick return and there’s your ballgame.

We had all kinds of chances in this game, but just seemed to bumblefuck it up. Not winning this game is going to cost us down the road. And now I’m going to have to listen to the obnoxious Ratbird fans cawing about being in first place. Bugger all!Last week I won the Football picks contest I play in each week, (all the pro games plus 2 select college games), going 16-2. As I learned when I hit the first 3 exactas at the horse races at the State Fair a couple weeks ago, you can’t assume you know it all after some early success. On today’s pro games, I’m 5-9 so far. I’ll get’em next week.

The Mojo Boogie - Week 2

Last week’s game attire delivered a Steelers win, so I have that gear to keep under advisement. I can’t use it today because I won’t be watching the game at home. There are different rules for different locations.

Today’s game is on opposite the Ratbirds so I have to go out to watch it. Last year I went to watch 4 games at Jilly’s, my neighborhood sports bar, and the Steelers won them all. I wore something different each time so I don’t have any trends to go on for today. While a previous year’s mojo doesn’t necessarily coincide with that of the current year, it does provide a starting point.

The downside of going to Jilly’s is that it is a “Raven’s Roost” bar, so Ratbird fan presence will be high. Also, the audio feed will be for the Ratbirds game so I’ll have to pay close attention to my game. This can be difficult sometimes because with all the games going on simultaneously, there is something to see everywhere. I ascribe this to one of Murphy’s Laws: “Anything requiring complete attention will coincide with a compelling distraction.”

I can usually count on some smack talk from the Jilly’s crowd and I don’t shy away. I’m never one to walk in and get in people’s faces but if people start with me, I’m ready. This year especially, I’m bulletproof. Just won the Super Bowl and Stanley Cup… Steelers beat the Ratbirds 3 straight games, including in the AFC Championship Game… what can anyone really say? “Steelers suck?” (the usual)

“Oh really? Blow me.” Then I just smile and hold up 6 fingers. Or 3. Or just the middle one.

Normally I don’t go the game jersey route at Jilly’s. The one time I wore one there, we got squashed, so that put me off the jerseys right then. I usually go with the polo or rugby shirt option and have done pretty well. Hats are also in play, so I have that choice to make as well. I never take the Terrible Towel to Jilly’s. That is reserved for my knee when watching the game at home, or attending the game.

On game days (or the all-important Friday before) I tend to shy away from gear that celebrates recent championships. Talking championship is cocky and cockiness gets the karmic smack down more often than not. It’s sad because I do love to wear the championship stuff, so for the sake of the mojo, I only wear it off-season or earlier in the week.
So here’s what I’m going with today: Black polo with yellow shoulder stripes, black hat, yellow bill w/ 2 black stripes and my Steelers socks.

I didn’t wear that shirt at Jilly’s last year but went 2-1 with it in 2007. I figure I’ll wear it twice this year and stop there.

Saturday Housekeeping

I don't have a lot to say today, but be prepared for my Pre-Steelers game Mojo Report tomorrow.

I spent the morning today cleaning up my "Labels" file. That's the long list of random topics that appears on the right side of the screen, after you get past all the fun stuff. I realized I'd been treating them like search tags rather than the broader subject buckets that they should be. That left me with a list about a bajillion subjects long, each with a single use. You'll now see that the list is much shorter than it had been and I hope more efficient. 'Cause I'm all about the efficiency, you know.

I send great thanks to all the bloggers I read, for being such good examples. And a special thank you to all who leave comments, for truly encouraging my behavior. It does wonders for one's motivation to know that there are actually people reading.

(hands-together "Ed McMahon" semi-bow)

Odd Bits - Brother Kanye Spare a Dime Edition

Flushing Meadows
I saw an article on MSN yesterday about restroom etiquette for the office. I went to link to it but it has since disappeared, so I’m linking to this similar post. As a 10-year office denizen, this is a subject near and dear to my heart.

I have several major peeves with what I see in our company’s restrooms. First and foremost, please, if you don’t mind and you have time, would you PLEASE FLUSH THE GODDAMNED TOILET? That includes the urinal too. Like I really want to see and smell someone else’s “bouquet” after they’re done.

And I hate it when guys pee straight down into the thimble’s worth of water, with as much force as they can muster without having a simultaneous accident. This maneuver makes 3” of foam. By the time I stroll up, it takes me 3 flushes to clear it and in the process, kills my desire for beer that day.

Lastly on the subject of flushing, if you do flush in a stall, hang around for a second to make sure there are no “remnants” left. Stall leftovers make the aforementioned urinal latte look like nectar of the gods. One flush doesn’t always do it, people, especially on Burrito Day in the cafeteria.

What’s up with people talking on cell phones when they’re on the hopper? Are they that important that they have to multi-task during what could be the only moment of solitude they get all day? Or are we just a nation of people that go zero-to-bored in 15 seconds? When I hear someone yakking on the phone, I always make sure I give the urinal a couple of quick flushes as I go. Lets the guy on the other end of the phone know where he stands.

Thou Shalt Not… Anything!
Speaking of pieces of shit, I just heard about the Republican candidate for governor of Virginia. Seems he wrote a thesis when he was in his 30’s attending CBN University (founded by Pat Robertson), which included, per the Washington Post, “a full-throated attack on liberals, modernity, the Great Society and inheritance taxes, among other supposed ills, which he linked to and blamed for homosexuality, declining morality and the degradation of the traditional family, along with the proliferation of pornography, out-of-wedlock sex, day care, birth control, pregnant teenagers, divorce, single mothers, working women and feminists.” He has opposed birth control even for married couples. He has also written, “homosexuality and abortion are both cause and effect of family breakdown."

I always thought the cause of family breakdown was the sanctimonious prigs that feel the need to dictate the terms of other people's personal lives. What exactly was the cause of the family breakdown in South Carolina's First Family, the Sanfords; was he actually gay and his Argentine rendezvous was just a cover? And the Ensigns out in Nevada? Maybe that staffer he was banging had to use the hush money he paid her husband to have an abortion, so I could be wrong.

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." ~Blaise Pascal~

This guy is such a tool; I just sent his opponent, Creigh Deeds, $25.00. Thank you, NARAL, for the tip-off.

A Swift Kick in the Pants
News media today was all abuzz over Kanye West’s mic-swipe from Taylor Swift. (or should that be ass-wipe?) Then later today, President Obama apparently called West a “jackass” while he was “off the record” and a flack from ABC news twittered it, which begat another round of political hand-wringing and brouhaha.

I say “Amen!”

What Kanye did on the MTV Video Music Awards was obnoxious and self-indulgent, and as Katy Perry tweeted, doing that to cute little Taylor Swift was “like stepping on a kitten”. The President was calling it like he and the rest of America was seeing it.

Now, how long will it be before Republicans or Fox News claim West was just expressing his right to dissent and that Obama is trying to socialize rap music?

Silence of the Pens
Last week, the Pittsburgh Penguins again demonstrated why they are a class organization. As they have done the past 2 years, they’ve sent out their players and coaches to deliver season ticket packages to select buyers.

I said this when they first did it… what a great PR move. For practically no overhead, they reap the benefits of getting their young, personable players out face to face with their adoring public, which then gets videotaped and posted all over the web. The video below is a mash-up of various players making their deliveries.

I love looking at some of the Penguins Rooms these people have set up. I especially love one shot where coach Dan Bylsma is looking at a Pensblog.com photoshop of him leading his players across the Delaware, patterned after the famous drawing of George Washington.
Around playoff time, I saw a picture that showed the Pens training room that had a whole collage of such photoshops. I love that. It really cements the bond between players and fans, even more so than wearing a particular game-day outfit.

But speaking of the ticket deliveries, I saw a lot of basements, but I didn’t see anything like my friend wants to do. She wants to get season tickets for the sole purpose of luring Kris Letang into the Silence of the Lambs pit she wants to dig.

She’s got it all worked out…

“Want to see my basement?”

“Sure. Hey what’s that pit for?”

<boink>

“It puts the skates upon it’s feet, or else it doesn’t get a treat.”

Later, you’ll see her up in her room with Letang’s jersey on, gazing at herself in the mirror and making skating motions.
Maybe it’s a good thing there’s a waiting list for Pens season tickets.

"Put the puck in the basket. Put the f'n puck in the basket!"

A Day at the Races

I went to the Maryland State Fair the weekend before last for the express purpose of placing a few bets on the ponies. And by “placing a few bets” I mean study the program and tip sheets feverishly, analyze the odds, look for the biggest horse, scrutinize the jockeys and eventually place my piddley $2 Exacta box bets.

I like to bet the races at the Fair. I know I have the “legendary” Pimlico racetrack, home of The Preakness triple-crown race, about 5 minutes from my apartment. And by “Pimlico”, I mean that giant toilet sitting in front of a dirt oval track. I think the degenerate gambler factor is somewhat reduced at the Fair, as opposed to Pimlico. At the Fair, there are more casual bettors, who throw more money into the pot for people that pretend they actually know what they’re doing, like me.

As I mentioned, I usually bet 1 or 2 Exacta boxes per race, which is a $4 bet in which you pick any two horses to finish 1st or 2nd, in either order. (This is just a fancy way of making two $2 single Exacta bets, where you pick 1st and 2nd place finishers in order.)

Right out of the gate, I hit Exactas for the first 3 races. Whoo Hoo! Riding high, babeeee and now playing with $44 of house money. As you may have seen from my last posting, I’m all about the mojo, so I was going to the same teller, sitting in the same place and betting the same way. But in the 4th race, I tried adding a $2 Trifecta bet (picking 1st, 2nd and 3rd places in order) in addition to my 2 Exacta boxes.

Naturally I lost on the next 4 races. Funny how karma will whack you like that. I dared to alter the formula and got smacked. Eventually I won another Exacta in the 8th race and again in the 10th and final race. All in all, I played with house money all day.

Exactas won:
1st $13.40
2nd $14.00
3rd $37.00
8th $21.00
10th $14.20
Total: $99.60

Bet: $80.00
Net $19.60

So that’s nice. But then you have to factor out the $27.50 I spent on parking, Fair admission fee, the racing forms and tip sheets, 2 slices of pizza and a beer and I lost a grand total of a $7.90. Oh well… That’s 4 and a half hours of entertainment for less than the cost of a movie. I’ll take that bet any time. I may even have to get myself a special racing shirt.
Shot from the rail... this is what's fun about going to the track... feeling the ground shake when they run by. Papa Im noses Dutch Purple for 2nd. (The winner had already gone by.) I'm in favor of anything purple getting beaten, especially by something wearing black and gold. Plus, it gave me another exacta win. The winner, Royal Bayou. Hey, I didn't know Rush Limbaugh went to the track.

Steelers/Titans Post Game
It’s taken me a while to decide how to handle Pittsburgh Steeler game results. I took notes during the game, but to be perfectly honest, there are dozens of sites I know of and probably hundreds of site I don’t that already do recaps and analysis better than I. Ginny at That’s Church does the

funny recap better than anyone.

I know it’s been 5 days since the game the news is not exactly new any more, but geez, I already have the notes here, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the effort go to waste. So let me just hit some bullet points of my impressions of the game.

*Wow, the old ‘Burgh looks good all lit up. Nice fireworks. I wonder if they’re real, or Chinese Olympic’d up.

*Special Teams is going to be worlds better this year. Logan had a big night with returns and Daniel Sepulveda returned from injury last year to either pound the ball or drop it inside the 15-yard line. The first sequence demonstrated it all. Logan returned to about the 40 instead of last year’s customary return to the 22. We go three and out, then Sepulveda punts it 54 yards to the 2, rather than last year’s 35-yard shank. That’s about a 40-yard swing. When the Titans punted, we’re in business near the 50. Having a short field more often will pay off over the year.

*Troy Polamalu was just a torpedo out there. He was like that cartoon when Bugs Bunny plays every position on the baseball field. There’s Troy in the backfield. There’s Troy filling a hole in the line. There’s Troy pulling down a one-handed INT. Sadly then there was Troy getting his knee rolled up on after a blocked FG. Luckily, he’s only set to miss 3-6 weeks. Although Jerome Bettis said today that when he had the same injury, running straight ahead was fine but changing direction was a problem. As Troy is all about the change of direction, it might take a bit longer until he’s back to new.

*As all media outlets have pointed out, the Steelers running game was non-existent. I don’t blame the runners, however. There was nowhere for them to run. They were either hit in the backfield, or saw no holes in the line, unless you count the backsides of his offensive line. This needs to be fixed pronto.

*Welcome back Heath Miller. Dude was everywhere, early on. It was like he was the only one Ben could find. I’m glad to see that… Heath will latch onto any ball he can get his big mitts on and gets north/south immediately. Maybe a few more balls to Heath over the middle takes a little wear and tear off Hines.

*I’m the first guy to tell people that complain about the officiating to STFU, but the reffing in this game was horrible. When Steeler-basher Chris Collinsworth is saying the Steelers are getting jobbed, it must be really bad. They held Harrison all game, one time with full camera isolation on the horse collaring. No call. The holding penalty on Starks was bogus, as was the interference call on Troy. But the Steelers did what good teams do… they overcame it.

*How could you not feel for Hines fumbling on the 5, when all they needed was a field goal for the win? I don’t blame him for it, because it was a heck of a strip from behind by the defensive back. Hines could have went right down, but if you’ve ever watched the guy, he kills himself to get into the end zone any time he’s close. You don’t want to stifle that. I’m just glad rookie Mike Wallace came through with a long catch to the 15-yard line in OT and Jeff Reed knocked home the game winning FG. Skippy, the sluts are on Hines tonight.

The Mojo Boogie

If I hadn’t called my blog “Darwinfish”, I was going to call it The Mojo Boogie. I’m one of those sports fans that gets into the team mojo… you know, must wear a certain thing, sit in a certain place, etc. It all started as kids living in the Ohio in the 70s.

Back then; NFL merchandising wasn’t what it is today. The only way to get Steelers coats, tee shirts, hats and jerseys was to go to Pittsburgh, or in our case, get Christmas presents from people living in Pittsburgh.

I’ll never forget getting my first customized jersey. This was probably after Super Bowl IX and I asked for a #63 Ernie Holmes jersey. (Even then I was trying to avoid all the Franco, Bradshaw, Mean Joe jerseys that were the most popular. I don’t think anyone in all of Ohio had a Fats Holmes jersey.)

So on the rare occasion that the Steelers were on TV, my brother and I would go get our jerseys on. We’d watch the first half, go out and play football during halftime, lose track of time and straggle in for the 4th quarter. But the thing is, we had to have the jersey on. That turned into sitting in our special spots. The Steelers went on to do pretty well in the 70s, thank you very much. Even today, my parents still dress for the games and sit in their mojo-approved football watching spots.

So, what defines mojo?

Ahem… Mojo is the unseen force that binds a team to its fans. It grows and abates in strength. It should not be underestimated. It is caused by people like me wearing our prescribed outfit and keeping our Terrible Towel over the prescribed knee. Other people fly flags, place special totems and drink particular beverages. I read about a guy from Indiana that drives all the way to Pittsburgh for each home game, to smoke a cigar with the statue of Art Rooney Sr. I always tell myself that "at least I'm not THAT bad..."

Mojo gives us all a sense of contribution to and involvement with our team. Maybe we can’t suit up and run the ball, but we can do that voodoo that we do while yelling our heads off at a TV screen.

Remember that Steelers/Jets playoff game in January of 2005? Remember when the Jets kicker missed one field goal and doinked another at the end of the game and in OT? That was caused by 65,000 fans in the stands yelling and waving, and millions around the world sending out vibes saying, “miss it!” Don’t mess with the mojo, man!

Starting the season after that, I began tracking my mojo activities, looking for trends and patterns. I even started an Excel spreadsheet just to keep it all organized. Seriously! Aside from the opponent, venue, day and time, I track what I wore during the week, what I wore the Friday before the game (last work day), where I watched the game, what the Steelers wore, what I wore, and the final score plus comments. Seriously.
Throughout that season, I learned that mojo is transient. You can change things up… in fact, you’re obligated to change things up when things are trending down. When things are going good, you change nothing, if you can help it. I learn what jersey I should wear when the Steelers are home on a Sunday afternoon, or that what works at home may not work when attending the game. The variables are many.

One thing I don’t worry about is the whole not washing an article of clothing thing. Mojo is what you believe it is. Therefore what you choose to have meaning is up to you. So I choose not to be stinky. Although I admit, I only wash the Terrible Towel after the season, lest I wash out all the game experience. I have several commemorative Towels, but I only use one for games… the original I bought in the Pittsburgh Airport in 1996. Been through a lot with that Towel and I’ll twirl that thing until it’s threadbare.

So I’ve been spreadsheet tracking my mojo for the last four years and we have won Super Bowls in 2 of them. You’re welcome.

All of which brings me to tonight, the cusp of a new season. This year I’m going to blog my season in mojo for the first time. Tonight, I’m going with the Willie Parker replica jersey over a gold block-letter Steelers tee shirt, with white mesh Steelers shorts. I always start the season wearing the replicas.
I tend to save the authentic jerseys for attending the games or at least crucial late season games. Why? If we start off losing while wearing my best jersey, I have to slum for the rest of the season in the cheap jerseys. You can be mojo-conscious and stylin’.

So now it's time to get dressed… I am SO ready for some football…

“What? You Agree With Me? Then I Change My Mind…”

I’m writing this Tuesday morning and I know this issue will already played out by the time I get this posted, but this week we’ve seen quite possibly the stupidest political controversy ever…

Oh my God, lock the doors, bolt the windows… The President wants to speak to the children!! (The after-story can be found here.)

Sigh…

Immediately the Republicans became outraged, like they do when Obama does pretty much anything. Did they seriously think that the President was going to start talking health care, energy policy, reproductive freedom or anti-terrorism with a K-12 audience? Please…

The first I heard about The Speech was that he was going to encourage students to study hard and do well in school. I don’t know where all this other crap came from… no wait, yes I do… Fox “News”, of course.

They were busy whipping up the “controversy” because that’s what pays their bills. It didn’t matter that the facts didn’t bear out what they were alleging… Their audience isn’t interested in facts that don’t back up their point of view.

It’s really all very simple. Those that are opposed to having this speech broadcast are opposed to anything that President Obama is for, regardless of what it is. If he were to proclaim the sky blue and the grass green, they would claim he was trying to socialize nature and then they’d demand he hold a town hall so they could show up and yell about it.

Harford County Maryland is not going to broadcast the speech because they claim they are required to review it first to determine appropriateness.

Um, excuse me, but the speech is available RIGHT NOW (as it was yesterday) all over the internet. What are you waiting for?

I’ve heard arguments that boil down to this”
*He’s too liberal.
*He’s destroying the country.
*I don’t like his policies.

OK, that’s all fine and good, but it’s also totally irrelevant. Even if I agreed with those points, that doesn’t preclude the guy from having something valid to say. Believe me, I disagree with just about everything that President Shrub did, from raping the environment, to rolling back civil rights, to using the Justice Department as a political weapon, to letting religion dictate scientific and social policy, to covertly bring in oil industry cronies to formulate the country’s energy policy, to filling the pockets of the executives in the oil, drug, defense and insurance industries, to starting an unnecessary war… geez, I could go on for pages…

But if GW were broadcasting a speech to children calling for them to work hard in school, I say let the man speak. I may hate him, but he is still the President. This was a total non-issue when President Reagan and President Daddy-Bush did the exact same thing during their Presidencies. Both had their detractors, no doubt, but there was no second thought about whether it was appropriate to speak directly to the nation’s children.

Let’s see, what’s in the speech…
*Work hard in school. Go to class and listen.
*Set goals for yourself. Develop your talents.
*It’s up to you to make yourself better.
*A tiny percent of you may be a movie star or top athlete, so it’s best you get an education.

Aren’t those things that Republicans are always screaming for? Individual responsibility? Hard work? Only when they’re trying to keep poor people from getting help, I guess.

It just goes to show that they won’t even let Obama agree with them. It further goes to show what happens when you have a morally bankrupt platform and thorough lack of new ideas.

I’ve heard it posited in different forums that it’s a racist thing.

I think there may be a grain of truth to that, but I think that in this case, racism is surpassed by politics. The right just doesn’t want the President to succeed with anything, even with something they embrace. They’re so busy posturing about not destroying America or what it means to be American; they can’t see that their actions are doing just that.

And that, my friends, is hypocrisy at it’s purest.

There’s a difference between dissenting and shouting down everyone that doesn’t agree. People keep talking about compromising… I tell you, there can be no compromise when one side is only interested in securing the failure of the other. No matter how many people are hurting when the country goes down the tubes because of it, all the better come election time.

That’s the real lesson that “the children” are being taught right now by this asinine charade.

The "24" Drinking Game

I’ve written before about my guilt-ridden love for the super-action show “24”. This week I just finished up watching the DVDs for Season 3, after which I now propose the following “24” Drinking Game.
The Rules: Take a drink whenever you hear someone say…

· “Dammit!” The all-purpose epithet, along with the occasional “son-of-a-bitch”. You know whenever Jack Bauer screams, “Dammit”, it’s just a stand in for “Fuck ME!”

· “What?” You’d think everyone on the show is hard of hearing, because no one ever seems to hear anything important the first time. I realize that it’s just a exposition device to elicit more details, but still, it makes everyone sound dim.

“Assad Falafel is dead.”
“What?”

“The bomb just went off; everyone in Fubar City is dead.”
“What?”

“We don’t have The Package. I repeat; we don’t have The Package. I say again, we don’t have The Package. The Package is gone.”
“What?”

Actually, I shouldn’t joke… with all the gunfire, bombs and people screaming “Dammit”, all the regulars probably are hard of hearing.

· “We don’t have a choice!” Also, “we don’t have any other choice”, “there are no more options”, etc. Anything that indicates that there is only one course of action and it’s going to be pretty distasteful. Anyone engaging in a plan in which “they don’t have any other choice” usually ends up bleeding somewhere.

· “We’re running out of time!” Also, “there’s no more time”, “we’re out of time”, etc. Count anything that indicates that the deep shit is imminent. For all the rushing around everyone does, no one ever seems to have enough time.

If you hear the following, chug whatever is left:

“Dammit, we don’t have a choice… We’re running out of time!”
“What?”
Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep


I kept score of these markers during my viewing of Season 3 and found the following totals:
Dammit = 12
What = 14
No Choice = 15
Running out of time = 18

That averages out to about 2.5 drinking opportunities per episode, although if you factor out the first 3 or so episodes while they’re just getting warmed up, you can up the totals. If these figures don’t provide enough opportunities for drinking, consider these additional signals for extra credit:
· If Chloe scowls, drink.
· If Chloe converses with someone awkwardly, drink.
· If Tony Almeida glances furtively, drink.
· If Jack’s daughter gets herself into trouble, drink.And if a major character gets killed, resulting in the “silent” 24-clock, chug.

A Fish Story

While I was on vacation last month, out in the farmland outside Toledo where I grew up, I had a chance to do a little pond fishing. Talk about one of life’s simple pleasures… We were just catching and releasing… My buddies and I caught a couple bass and a whole mess of bluegills… Big fun down on the farm! But it reminded me of another time back in my youth… waaaaaay back in the day… when we crossed pond fishing with a commando raid and it produced the story you’ll find below.

I first must admit that some may have seen this story before. I sent it around back when I first wrote it in 2002 and I’d posted a link to it on the old Darwinfish, but I’ve been meaning to bring some of my favorite posts over to this site. There’s no sense in letting a good story go unseen. Plus, of course, it’s a cheap way to knock out another post.

The Fish Story
One summer, my parents went on a trip to visit relatives, taking my younger brother and sister with them. Because I was the oldest, and had a part time job, I was allowed to stay home. (Rank has its privileges.) I was just out of high school and this was the summer before college started, so it was a given that there was going to be a party of some kind. It was just a small one… my few buds and some neighborhood folk.

One of us got a wild hair and decided we should have a breakfast fish fry the next morning. Catching the fish would be no problem. Our neighbors directly behind us had a pond, in which we were allowed to fish. In fact, we helped stock it by depositing in it catfish, bass and bluegills that we had caught elsewhere. But why do something we were allowed to do, when instead we could have an adventure? See, there was a pond behind theirs belonged some other neighbors who never let anyone fish or swim in their pond. You could see the fish in there; bluegills the size of a loaf of bread, enormous bass… all kinds of things, doing all but poking their heads up out of the water and going “pppbbbbhhhhhhhhhtt!” We had no choice. We were provoked.

So about 10:30, we staged our little fishing raid. A handful of us crept out, rods and lures in hand, and began stealthily fishing in the pond. We could see Mr. And Mrs. Neighbor up in their house, about 75 yards away. The lights were on, so while we could look in, they couldn’t see us out in the dark.

We began pulling bluegill out of there immediately… it was just too easy. It was much easier, in fact, than getting the hooks out by moonlight. We had a big bucket that we threw them in, once freed, and in no time we had about 5 or 6 in the can. At some point, we saw some motion up in the windows, so we made a dash for it, grabbing up the bucket and hauling butt. I didn’t even have my line out of the water. I just ran, with the line dragging out behind me, the hooks pulling up little chunks of grass.

Anyway, we got back to The Barn, (where we always had our parties… but that’s another story) and counted up our half dozen monster fish. The fish fry was on, so now, who knows how to cook a fish? (We weren’t much for thinking these things through in those days.) We knew we could just filet and bone it, but we wanted a little something extra. Our friend Rob, who worked with me at the neighborhood grocery store, said he’d call home to his mom and ask for a good breading recipe. Of course, she wanted to know why, so he told her and came away with the goods. The next morning we had quite a tasty little bluegill feast.
My parents came home that evening, and over dinner, I told them about our little party. Near the end of dinner, the phone rang, and the caller asked for me. It was Mrs. Neighbor, who proceeded to tell me she saw me out there fishing last night and wanted me to pay for the fish we pulled out. She said something like she wanted a dollar a pound.

Of course, I denied everything. “What fish? I wasn’t fishing!” She proceeded to describe what I was wearing, right down to the hat on my head. Still denying I was out there, that I was fishing and that I even owned a hat, I finally said something brilliant like, “even though I didn’t take any fish, I’ll still pay you for them if I have to.”

I sat back down, and then told my folks about the fishing part of the party, which I had neglected to mention earlier. They basically said, “she gotcha, now ya gotta pay up.” I was resigned to my fate.

Before the table was even cleared, Rob and my other friend Rik pulled up in the driveway. I dashed out of the house and told them everything… I mean, I wasn’t the ONLY one out there and I wasn’t going down alone. Then I started noticing, as I described the phone conversation, how neither of them would look directly at me. They seemed to be biting the inside of their cheeks. I stopped talking and looked at them, and they just exploded with laughter.

I gave them a right good cursing out, but laughing the whole time. It seems it was Rob’s mom who called, who described what I’d been wearing and heard me lie my ass off to her. Actually, I was relieved not to have to go show up at Mrs. Neighbor’s door.

I ran inside to tell my folks the good news, that it was just Rob’s mom, yanking my chain. My dad said, “Now, what are you going to do to get back at her?”

Hmmmm. I agreed that I couldn’t take this lying down. Then my dad gave me the best advice I’d ever received. He said, “The best revenge for a practical joke is to make it seem that it worked too well.” Genius!

We sent Rob back to tell his mom that my dad got so mad at me that he marched me right over to the Mrs. Neighbor’s house and made me pay her off. Then he grounded me from the car for a month.

She was crestfallen when Rob told her the story… she never meant any harm. Rob must have given quite a performance too… she even woke him up late that night, trying to see if she could shake his story while he was half asleep. Rob held up though and stuck to the plan.

So, cut to the following weekend, as we were both working at the grocery store. She came in for her regular weekly shopping. I knew she’d want to ‘fess up, busting with guilt. Naturally, I did everything I could to avoid her. She came up once, with big sad eyes and a mournful look. I put on a look like someone just killed my puppy, all sad and forlorn. She asked me how I was doing. I just said, “not so good Mrs. B., I got in pretty big trouble this week, but listen, I can’t talk now… I gotta go.”

That’s how it went for the next half hour: her stalking me to try to confess, with me trying to avoid her.

The payoff was set for when she checked out. I arranged to bag her groceries and this was the day and age when bag boys still took your stuff out and packed your car. As we went out to the car, she just spilled it. “It was me on the phone,” she said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. I’m sorry, it was just a joke, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

I just stood there, jaw dropped open, looking shocked.

Finally, I smiled and said, “that’s OK, Mrs. B, because I didn’t really get in any trouble, I was just getting a little payback.” Her response was typical of her upbringing as an Italian mother from Brooklyn.

“YOU SONOFABITCH BASTID!” she screamed at me in her high-pitched Brooklynese. “How can you do that to a poor old woman? I oughta kick you right in the ass for that, you had me up all night with guilt…”

We ended up having a great laugh, and happily called a truce. Meanwhile, I was giving mental high fives to my dad. He was most pleased by the way it played out, when I told him the story.

I went on to employ this tactic on numerous occasions, although it was often in the form of advice to others who’d been tricked. It has never failed me yet.

Recalling this yarn makes me remember how many stellar practical jokes I’ve been a part of. Someday I’m going to have to get those stories down as well. Stay tuned…

Note: All photos courtesy of ME, although they were most certainly NOT taken at the time of this story. Digital cameras were not invented yet, nor were Windows PCs, CDs, MP3s, or string cheese. We had nothing to do all day but think of ways to torture each other. Those were the days...

Odd Bits - Color Me Jaded Edition

In a story that came out this week, former Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge stated in his new book (coming to a discount rack near you) that he was pressured by the White House to raise the terror alert prior to the 2004 presidential election, for purely political reasons.

Let me pause while the shock of that revelation sets in.

The sound you just heard was that of me going, “No Shit, Captain Hindsight!”

So maybe we skeptics weren’t so paranoid about the Bushies’ shenanigans after all. Why am I not surprised these clowns would manipulate a supposed public service to further their clandestine efforts to maintain their grip on power? It’s what they do and it’s emblematic of their entire administration.

Ridge went on to write that he wasn’t invited to the really good meetings and was frequently blindsided during daily morning briefings with the Shrub.

I wonder if that’s why he wrote the tell-all book… because he didn’t get to sit at the cool kids’ table.

It’s not like the old color-coded Terrorism Chart wasn’t without problems of it’s own… I was watching a Lewis Black HBO comedy special (Black on Broadway) from 2003 where he went off on having 5 color categories thusly…

“All we really need are three…

Jesus Christ!

God Dammit!

Fuck ME!”

HMO-Phobia
Speaking of institutional misinformation, how do you like this health care reform debate? You know, the one that’s rolling along like a monkey screwing a football?

First off, I don’t claim to be any kind of expert in this particular field, but I do know when something is seriously wrong. This “debate” has the greasy fingerprints of big business and their political lackeys, the conservative Republicans, all over it.

Just look at all the misinformation willfully disseminated to the public… Death panels, euthanasia, covering illegal immigrants, health care rationing, government-sponsored abortions… it never ends.
None of these issues are actually in the bills being considered. None. And one issue, we already HAVE… Do you think the insurance companies don’t ration health care? You KNOW they do… it’s not even a secret. Who hasn’t had to fight their insurance company over paying for a doctor-prescribed procedure?

You have to remember that the people putting these idiotic notions out there are NOT trying to protect the public; they’re trying to protect the status quo, meaning the obscene profits being made by the insurance, drug and medical industries. They have a dog in the fight and it is in their best interest to kill anything resembling real health care reform.

The public health option scares the hell out of the insurance industry. If they had viable competition that provided care without the drive for profit, they’d be forced to make changes in their policies that would lead to lower profits. They’re going to do everything in their power to make sure that doesn’t happen. So they lean on their lapdogs in Congress (or certain northern backwater outposts) and suddenly our Pols are demonizing policies that they themselves were on record as having supported.

Another disconnect, and I’ve harped on this one before, is all the fuss now about the deficit… like the Republicans finally remembered that they are traditionally against deficits. It’s just that they had 8 years worth of amnesia while their guy was turning a surplus into the largest deficit in the country’s history on tax cuts for the rich, a giant gift to the drug industry with that no-negotiating-for-lower-drug-prices bill, 2 wars that enriched the defense contractor industry THAT AT LEAST 2 CABINET MEMBERS HAD TIES TO, and many other programs that benefited the few at the expense of the many.

So now that the Democrats are trying to spend some money on things that benefit the ENTIRE country, now they want to be all “Oh the deficit, the deficit.”

Their transparency is showing.

It surprises no one then, that these outrageous claims are getting thrown out there and are getting taken up by people that are still trying to redo the 2008 election. (Note: when we tried to redo the 2000 election, we actually had a reason beyond, “but we lost.”)

Look at that quote by SC Senator Jim DeMint: “If we’re able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him.”

There it is. The last thing the Republicans want is a solid bi-partisan bill. They want to break the President and they’ll take the country down to do it.
So they charge up a bunch of their flunkies and send them to Town Hall meetings with no objective but to shout down the speaker and cause chaos. Don’t get me wrong, they have a perfect right to make their opinions known. Then they have the obligation to sit down and shut the fuck up so that the speaker can actually address their opinion. Shouting down people that don’t agree with you is nothing but parroted behavior learned from talk radio. And we KNOW that they have no interest in shaking things up in the DC/Corporate world. An angry listenership is an active listenership. Inspector Kemp would approve.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Dept.
Lastly, I want to let those of you that have been following the PittGirl turned That’s Church saga (see 3 previous posts) know that she got fired from her job after coming out as the author of The Burgh Blog. She is far too talented to remain without a gig, so I know that she’ll bounce back better than ever. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less for her, or any less fair.