Thursday, August 29, 2013

Subway Hit List

Now that Katie Ett is no longer writing her ruminations on public transit, I feel I should step into the fray on her behalf.  Baltimore may not have the hustle and bustle of NYC, but that doesn't mean getting around town is not without its common annoyances.  So with that, I bring you:

Brief Letters to People I Hate on the Subway

To: Person Who Walks up to the Train at the last Second and Tries to Butt in Front of Me
From: Guy Who Was Standing There First

If you want to get on the train in front of me, show up earlier and claim that piece of real estate before I do.  Trust me; I know where that train door is going to open and I’m not standing there by accident.  I may be a couple of feet behind the yellow line, but that is not in invitation for you to wedge yourself between me and the train door.  When I see you coming next time, you can expect to run into my shoulder, because I’ll be planted there waiting for you.

To: Person Who Wanders Onto the Train and Then Stands There Deciding Which Direction to go and What Seat to Take, While People Streaming in the Other Doors are Claiming All the Seats.
From: Guy Who has to Stand Because He Couldn't Get Around your Big Ass.

There are windows on the train, through which you can see where the empty seats are.  Get in the door and get in a seat.  You’re not picking a door on Let’s Make a Deal, so get on with it.  You are especially annoying when I am the one who let you step in front of me to get on the train first.

To: Person That Has All Her Shit on the Seat Beside Her
From: Guy Who Has to Stand Because You Won’t Move Your Shit

Is your bag of crap so important and/or valuable that it needs its own seat, while other people have to stand?  No?  I didn't think so.  Now kindly put your shit on the floor or your lap, because just like every day at rush hour, this is a crowded train.  Next time, I’m grabbing your bag and tossing it out the door.

To: Dude Who’s Lounging Across Both Seats, Glaring at Anyone Who Dares to Approach
From: Guy Who Has to Stand Because You’re Tired from Breaking into Cars All Day

Straighten the eff up.  Unless you’re wide enough to need both sides of the seat, slide your gangsta ass over and let someone take a load off.  Oh, and pull your pants up.

To: Lady Wearing a Quart of Noxious Perfume
From: Guy Who’s About to Hurl on your Floral Dress

I’m riding backwards and reading tiny newspaper type.  Unless you want a new print on your dress, maybe 1 spritz of Eau de Paint Thinner will suffice, in lieu of 7.  Thanks for the dizzy headache.

To: Lady Who Steps Off the Train and Immediately Stops
From: Guy Who Just Put Skid Marks on the Floor Trying to Stop, so he Doesn't Walk Right Up Your Back

You’re one half step away from having an entire subway car full of people fall on top of you.  When you get off the train, for chrissakes, keep going.  Decide where you’re going AFTER you’re clear of traffic.  And the same goes for the person that walks out the subway station doors and stops.  Keep going, or you may get trucked right into the #54 bus.  Some of us are eager to get home.

To: Person Who Steps up Right Beside Someone Else on the Escalator and Then Stops
From: Guy Who is Forced to Stare at Your Lumpy Ass for the Next 75 Seconds

You are the colon blockage of the subway system.  Do you see that empty corridor of escalator stairs opening up in front of you?  Now look behind you.  Do you see a line of people staring holes in the back of your head, because you apparently think this is some kind of Disney ride?  We’re all plotting your demise.  Now take one step up, and then one step to the side.  Was that so hard?  Some of us have somewhere we need to be… 
See that open space up ahead?  I could be using it if you people weren't clogging up the works.  (Source)
The escalator is like the highway; pass on the left, stand on the right.   Of course, as a Baltimore resident, I can’t assume that you've ever heard that rule before.  Oh, and you are especially annoying if, as with the Aisle Drifter, I was kind enough to let you step on the escalator ahead of me.  Now it’s all I can to not to knock your head into that of the person beside you, just to hear the Three Stooges “coconut” sound.

Thank you all for your kind attention.

Your buddy, Bluz


Mary Ann said...

Then there's the Beauty Queen, assiduously applying cosmetics during the entire ride. She looks the same at her destination but we have all witnessed the painstaking process.

Jessica R. said...

Ah, the joys of public transit. While I don't take public transit, some of these same rules can apply for grocery store etiquette. And the perfume thing applies to everyone, all the time. If just being in the same room with you gives me that scent for the rest of the day, it's too much. If I know you were in my hallway 30 minutes ago because your scent still lingers, it's WAY too much. And please, don't even think about hugging me and infecting my hair with that smell.

bluzdude said...

That’s one I haven’t seen yet. I’ll have to be on the lookout, because that person would be likely to poke their eye out with a mascara brush. It’s not a smooth ride…

bluzdude said...

These rule absolutely apply to multiple scenarios... retail store aisles, office hallways and elevators, roadways, etc.

Speaking of smells, on the way home today, there was a homeless guy, stretched out, barefoot, over 4 seats. The smell was so overbearing, it the destroyed the entire car. I spent the whole trip breathing shallowly, like I was playing a cadaver on CSI. I don't know what to even say about that, because the dude obviously had significant problems. But damn... I could feel the fungus growing in my lungs...

Valerie said...

And this is exactly why I never take public transportation. Ever.



bluzdude said...

Even as annoying as it is, it still beats paying 12.00 a day to park...

Vapid Vixen said...

They say chivalry is dead? No. Common sense is way deader than chivalry. Yeah. Deader.

bluzdude said...

I do "chivalry" as best I can. Like when I can see the train is almost full when it pulls up, I always go find a place to stand rather than take one of the last seats. And I try to let the old and infirm go ahead of me.

But I just can't ascribe to letting every single female, from wherever they may be in the station, get on the train ahead of me. That would mean I'd have to resign myself to standing for every trip for the rest of my natural days. Sorry, I have my own problems; (bad feet, bad back, recurring heart condition), I need to sit too.

injaynesworld said...

Ha! It's been years since I took public transportation and I'd forgotten the minefield of writing material it offers. Funny stuff, my friend. These days I consider myself stuck in traffic when my neighbor's tractor is in front of me.

bluzdude said...

Its funny, I could probably summarize most of these points in one line: 'people of the world, please get the hell out of my way. Thank you.'

Unapologetically Mundane said...

This is also one of my favourite passengers. Since my life's purpose is to look like I just rolled out of bed this perfect, I feel so embarrassed for these women making duck faces as they try to apply their blush. I guess they got to sleep in longer than I did, though, so maybe they're embarrassed for me.

Love this post! Maybe you should take over my old job and just pretend this is all happening in NYC.

bluzdude said...

You could always send it in to them and say, “I rode the subway for the first time, and if you hadn’t fired me, you could have posted THIS!”

OMG, what if I tried to do exactly that, you know… without Baltimore references, and then I complain about something a transit employee does, and someone gets fired?

Facie said...

I know the extreme perfume is awful. But day 2 of bus riding for me, and some beyond-awful-smelling woman sat next to me. I wanted to get up and move, but I was afraid she would think I was racist, so I suffered for the next 15 minutes. And suffer I did.

I bet in another couple of weeks, I can have a some good bus material...

bluzdude said...

Oh yeah, that happens to me on the subway too, every so often. I try to tough it out, but sometimes, it's either move or hurl.