Go Do That Hulu That You Do So Well

I was emailing with Sitcom Kelly again today, which is always good for an entertaining post.

First, she sent me this notice yesterday, with the following message:

SK: OMG!!!  Check out the list of players that will be attending - the 3rd player listed...  OMG!!  OMG!!!

Lest you forget, Sitcom Kelly is my friend that wants to dig a Silence of the Lambs Pit in her basement for the express purpose of holding Penguins defenseman and heart-throb Kris Letang.  But when she was just a wee Sitcom Girl growing up in Johnstown PA, her heart belonged to another: Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Matt Bahr.

She had even gone so far as to make an elaborate sign, by hand, expressing her love for him, just in case she ever got to go to a game.  I assume it contained lots of hearts and glitter.

So Matt Bahr was the player to whom she referred in her opening line.

Bluz: It could be the Perfect Storm for you… everyone will be swarming the actual “star” players like Rocky and Franco and Jack Ham and you’ll have Matty all to yourself.

SK: Maybe I can request he deliver the ticket in person... to my house.

Bluz: Now, would you give him his own Pit, or would he have to share?

SK: Hmmm... I guess that'll be up to them...  On second thought, he'll get his own.  I don't want them getting into any shenanigans down there.

Bluz: You’ll have to get a bigger ziti pan.

Then today, I had to tell her about the Pens game being broadcast tonight.

Bluz: By the way, the Penguins are on the NHL Network tonight at 7:00, so you can see the game.  And I still love the idea of the dueling Pits.

You know, at the end of the series, how funny would it be to have a pull-away shot that reveals hundreds of Pits in what turns out to be a huge basement… the same effect as in the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark… that giant warehouse where they stow the Ark.

SK: I have my class tonight.  I’ll probably miss the game.  Oh, that reminds me – I need to DVR Wednesday shows.  (Modern Family and Cougartown)

Yeah – competition.  Both Matt Bahr and Kris Letang out-doing one another to win my affections…  “Kelly, you make ze beeeest ziti…”    “Kelly, your hair is so shiney…”  Kelly, you sound like, um… and angel when you sing!”

Bluz: I love that angle.

How about this scene:

   SK: Kris, you’ve been out of your Pit again.

   KL: No, I’ve been right ‘ere all da time.

   SK: Don’t lie to me, Kristopher.  I know you’ve been fighting with Matty again.  You know what happens when you’re a bad boy.

   KL:  OK, OK, I was out.  I won’t do it again.  But ‘ow did you know?

   (Cut to a shot of Matt Bahr in his Pit, with his shirt pulled up over his head.)

SK: OMG, I can’t stop laughing.  I love that he can get out of the pit to fight with Matt, but doesn’t escape from the house.

Bluz: Exactly!  Becomes a kind of symbiotic relationship.

I also like that we’re working in a little “Misery” along with “The Lambs.”

SK: This will never get old…  I love the shirt pulled over his head.

Bluz: Me too!  Remember, that’s one of our “things” from the sitcom… SK dates a guy that plays hockey just so that he can win bar fights on her behalf.  And the aftermath is always the same… a bunch of dudes on the floor with their shirts pulled over their heads.

By the way, ABC is running the CMA Awards tonight, so your shows aren’t on.

SK: I’ll have to zulu them…  I love zulu…

Do you have HBO?  Have you seen the show Boardwalk Empire?   I’ll have to see if they show that on Zulu.  Looks good.

Bluz: You mean “Hulu”, right?

SK: Oh yeah… Hulu

Bluz: Sounds like another episode…

“I kept trying to watch Modern Family online but I couldn’t hook up with Zulu.com.”

SK: I wonder what you get when you type in zulu.com – some porn site?  Or a website for a cult or something?

Bluz: Africanized versions of American TV shows?

SK: Ha ha.

Bluz: Or the guy from the original Star Trek acts all the parts… Sulu.com.

SK: Or that old British singer sings all the parts… Lulu.com.

Bluz: All the parts are played by cows, on Mulu.com.  (And don’t even get me started on Pulu.com…)

SK: And the pediatric nurses tell the story in baby talk.  (Dulu.com)  - it’s actually doula (baby nurses).

Bluz: I can excuse the massive “reach” there, because I think I used up the last 2 good ones.

But since we’re reaching, the Steelers All Pro safety performs sitcoms in Samoan, on Polama-hulu.com.

SK: Well… OK.

Bluz: No! Don’t give up!  English people read the lines while on the toilet… huloo.com.

SK: Yodelers play out the part – Yulu.com.

Bluz: Israeli sitcoms performed on Jewlu.com.

SK: Church-goers perform on Pewlu.com.

Bluz: Porn reruns on Screwlu.com.

SK: Animal interpretations on Zoolu.com.

Bluz: You can feature your kitties on Mewlu.com.

SK: Ballerinas act out ‘best of’ episodes on Tutulu.com.

Bluz: A former Penguins hockey player shows all his highlights on JarkkoRuutulu.com

SK: Very good…

Bluz: I’m thinking of a combination using Ruutu, Bishop Desmond Tutu and hockey player Jonathan Cheechoo, possibly while stepping in doo-doo and getting a boo-boo, causing bad juju, but I’m afraid my head might explode.

SK: I think my head done already exploded.

Bluz: OK, the last three guys get together with former Steelers running back Chris Fuamatu Ma’afala (aka “Fu”) and we get:

Bad boo-boo juju from doo-doo on RuutuTutuCheechooFulu.com.  Thank yu.

The curtain now falls on this bit…

Bluz and Sitcom Kelly take their bows.

SK: And that’s the end… Ttttthaaaaat’s all folks…

Bluz: I am totally cracking myself up by trying to say “RuutuTutuCheechooFulu”.  Once you get going on all those Tu’s, it’s hard to stop.  I lose count.

OK, what the hell did YOU accomplish today?

Odd Bits - MNF Edition

Today, to prepare for the Steelers on Monday Night football, we had another meeting of our clandestine Steelers fan club, the Steel Citi Underground.

We got together for lunch in the cafeteria again.  I noted that we did the same thing before the Steelers/Ravens game and then we lost.  I said if we lose again tonight then we’d better can the lunches.  Or at least move to another spot in the cafeteria. 

During lunch we were discussing material to put on signs for when the Steelers come to play the Ratbirds in Baltimore.  We’re expecting a lot of flack over Ben Roethlisberger, so one suggestion was, “Our Criminals are Better Then Your Criminals.”

Then I chimed in with the following suggestion:  “Our Stallworth went to the Hall of Fame.  Yours went to prison.”*

It went over pretty well.  One of our people is looking into getting T-shirts made.

I’ll have the lowdown on tonight’s game mojo at the end of the post.

*Note for Non-Pittsburghers: Steelers had a very accomplished wide receiver named John Stallworth, who was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame a couple years ago.  The Ratbirds have a wide receiver on their team now, named Donte Stallworth, who just served a year in the slam for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk.

Who Lives There, Imelda Marcos?

One drawback to living next to people that believe that shoes are unclean is that your apartment foyer smells like feet.

Weekend Update

At risk of making you hate me, I have to tell you about how little I did this weekend.  I was so sloth-like, when I woke up this morning I had moss growing on my north side.  My big chore on Saturday was to hook up my new Blu-Ray player.  Sunday, I read (part of the) manual for the new digital thermostat my landlord installed.  Now Pinky and I can argue about the temperature digitally.

Seriously, that’s all I did all weekend that can even remotely be considered productive.  (Other than writing that wedding post on Sunday, but I consider that “play.”)  Pinky had to work all weekend so I had the place to myself.  Just me, my PC and my HDTV.  Life is good.

(Cue all the frazzled parents to commence stabbing their monitors with letter openers.)

I hadn’t intended to buy a Blu-Ray player just then, but my DVD conked out last weekend.  It just wouldn’t load the discs any more.  The one thing I’m thankful for is that the Blu-Ray will play my old DVDs, so I won’t have to replace my entire collection.  Thank Sony for small favors.  But of course I had to pick up at least a couple Blu-Rays, just to check out the capability of the new unit.  The question was “Which ones?”

The obvious solution was to ask the question, “What’s on sale?” 

I ended up with a two of my favorites, from the $15 rack: “Forrest Gump” and “An American Werewolf in London.”  From here on, when I want to buy a new video, if it’s a big SFX blockbuster, I’ll buy the Blu-Ray.  If it’s a quiet, more character and dialogue-driven work, I’ll buy the DVD.  Practically speaking, that means I’ll be buying about 98% Blu-Rays.  And I’ll probably replace some of my favorite “action” DVDs as I find them on sale.  No hurry.

It just makes me wonder what the hell they’re going to come up with next.  How long do you think it will be before 3-D becomes standard?  Man, just think of the porno business there…

The Mojo Boogie

The Steelers are in Cincinnati tonight and should be wearing white.  They wore white last week on Sunday night and I wore my white James Harrison jersey.  So I won’t be going with that one tonight; instead I’m pulling out an old reliable: my well-worn Nike white Polamalu #43.

This is the one I wore throughout the run for Super Bowl XL, including at the Super Bowl itself, plus the playoff game in Cincinnati.  The jersey was a #97 Kendrell Bell jersey when I first got it in the late 90s.  When Bell left the team, I had it changed to a #99 Levon Kirkland.  When he left, I revamped it into the #43 it is today and will stay for good.  (It helps to have a good sporting goods store in the neighborhood that can re-number and name jerseys.)

I’m staying with the white Steelers sweats and a white long-sleeve tee.   If we lose tonight, I’ll have to rethink wearing any more white jerseys.

I am ready for some football.

Wedding Soup

Last week, my blogger friend from the “Gret Stet of Looseeana,” Mrs. Bachelor Girl put up a post about her calamitous wedding and the set of circumstances that almost short-circuited the whole thing.  She came through it OK, thanks to the mad coping skillz and quick thinking of her wedding planner and bridal party, but it got me thinking back to my own wedding.  It wasn’t the near-disaster that hers was, but we did have a major CF the next day.  And like hers, it still worked out.

Let me say from the outset, my marriage was pretty much of a disaster.  I knew I should have bailed before it even started but I figured I was already in too deep so I might as well give it a go.  Also, by this point in my life, I was sure I was going to die single and alone, and was determined to prevent that.

That said; my wedding day was one of the best days of my life.  Even though it didn’t work out later, on that day I was filled with happiness and optimism.  I had my family and friends come from all over the country for the occasion and we had a party that was just perfect.  It was like one of our old Barn Parties, except everyone got dressed up and no one had to do any preparation, maintenance, or cleaning up.  I picked all the music and I didn’t even have to play it.

I told our DJ, “This will be the easiest wedding you’ll ever do.  Here’s a tape for cocktail hour.  Play this until we do the toasts.  Then once we serve dinner, play this dinner hour tape.”  That was more than 2 hours right there on a couple of tapes that I’d already recorded and mixed on my home mixing board, fancy DJ segues and all.  I gave him a list of songs I wanted to be played and if he didn’t have them, I brought him my copies of the CDs.

I also told him a couple more things…

*  There will be no Chicken Dance or Hokey Pokey.  I am against any dance that comes with instructions.  I will, however, allow the Electric Slide.  (Remember, this was 1993.)

*  There will be blues.  There will be Stevie Ray, Albert Collins, Lonnie Mack, and the Uppity Blues Women.  There will be George Thorogood and AC/DC.  There will be Cars, Stones, Satellites, B-52s, and The Boss.  We are going to Par-tay. 

*  Take all direction from me.  Do NOT, under any circumstances, listen to anyone under the age of 18.

As I said, my guests were coming from everywhere.  My dad’s family drove up from Pittsburgh.  They had all met Future Ex a couple times, I believe.  My buddies drove in from Toledo.  None of them had met her before. 

My buddies and I immediately after the service.  We didn’t have a chance to do our customary pre-wedding shot so we had to adapt.

Everyone that drove got two major bonuses.  One was that the second week of October features upstate New York’s finest fall foliage.  The trees were in full, dazzling color.  I’ll get to the second bonus later.

Mom and Dad came in from Green Bay WI and Mom’s family came from various other places.  Uncle Joe and Aunt Linda came in from San Jose.  Aunt Joann and Uncle Gordon came from Southern Illinois.  Some of Mom’s family flew from Pittsburgh because the drive would have been too hard.  Her Uncle Ants and Aunt Stella, her father’s remaining siblings, were included. 

Several of them had met Future Ex once before and it didn’t go very well.  In my Belle of the Firehouse post (about her getting stuck upside-down behind the dryer), my mom and I mentioned this in “Comments.”

We were vacationing in Carmel CA, (Me, Future Ex, Mom, and Dad) when I asked her to marry me.  That weekend, we all went up to San Jose to celebrate Uncle Joe and Aunt Linda’s 30^th Anniversary.  A lot of Mom’s relatives came out for that, including Uncle Ants and Aunt Stella and her kids.

Last year, I wrote a post in which I talked about the influence my Grandpa, “The Storyteller” had on me.  He could just captivate a room with his wild stories.  He was the guy I always wanted to be.  But as I’d come to learn, his brother Antony (Ants, for short) had the same gift.

This is Uncle Ants with Aunt Linda and Uncle Joe.  He loved that we played “Just a Gigolo” at the reception and wanted to know who that new guy was that sang it.  Dad later hooked him up with the David Lee Roth version that we’d used.

So after the sun went down, people began to gather on the deck, and Uncle Ants began telling stories.  As usual, he was killing.  Most of us knew a lot of the stories and threw out requests to tell our favorites.  I wanted Future Ex to hear this shit.

Unfortunately, she was not a good drinker and was completely blasted on wine.  After a few minutes of listening, she decided she wanted to tell stories too, except she could barely stand up, let alone form a coherent sentence.  I tried to keep her quiet as long as I could.  I told her that it was not her place to be piping up and interrupting The Elders.  I said there’s a time to talk and a time to listen, and this was a time to listen. 

My advice didn't take, though.  Eventually, I had to have Dad take us back to the hotel so she wouldn’t ruin the rest of the night with her drunken babbling.  She passed out in the car and I had to carry/drag her back to our room, undress her, and put her to bed. 

It was not an auspicious beginning for family relations.

OK, back to the wedding at hand.  The party killed and we had a total blast.  You know you’ve thrown a good wedding when, at the end of the night, you look over by the kitchen doors and see all the servers dancing like crazy.  We danced and jammed to great music all night long.

This is my favorite picture from the entire night… everyone jamming to "Bad to the Bone."  And no, that’s not the bride on my left, that’s my sister-in-law.

The wives of my buddies Rik and John got slammed on White Russians, which Rik’s wife kept referring to as “French Germans.”  As in, “Gimme anoder one’a dose French-Jherman thingsh…”

When the night finally broke up, we all retired to our hotel rooms, which we booked at the same place we held the reception, so no one had to drive.  Future Ex and I got up there around midnight and played around in the giant tub for a while, but really, we were seriously slammed.  We were not capable of anything more complicated than passing out, which we did around 3:00 AM.  We had to get up at like, 5:30 to catch the first plane out of Albany, to San Francisco.  We figured we’d sleep on the plane.

When we got the wake-up call, Future Ex was over on the couch, naked and shivering.  She’d gotten up to pee and got lost on the way back to bed.

Dad met us in the lobby at 6:00 to take us to the airport and gave us a small box, which he said for us not to open until we got on the plane.  He got us to the airport in plenty of time.  In fact, it looked perfect.  There were no lines at any of the ticket counters.  We were going to go through there like shit through a goose! 

But no.  Apparently there was a problem; no one was going anywhere.  There was some kind of emergency that was keeping all planes grounded.  It turned out that a giant construction crane toppled over across two runways… the only two runways they had.  (At the time, Albany had a very small airport… they put the “Po” in Podunk.)  So there was nothing coming in and nothing going out.

We didn’t know what to do besides stay put and listen to the announcements, all of which went something like this:  “We don’t have any new information, but we’ll have something for you in a half hour.”  A half hour would go by and they’d make the same announcement.  It was like a cross between the movies “The Terminal” and “Groundhog Day.”

Meanwhile, my family began dragging in bit by bit, going “What the hell are YOU still doing here?”  We’d fill them in on the CF that was going on and pull up some more chairs.  I think Uncle Joe was amazed that his Gold-Frankincense and Myrrh-Mega-Platinum-Super-Amazing status on United Airlines couldn’t do anything about our situation.  Knowing Uncle Joe, he was probably trying to get them to commandeer a helicopter.

Before long, we were having a de-facto family reunion right there in the airport.  Around 10 we figured we might as well have breakfast, so the whole clan descended on the diner there.  That’s when I realized; this might not be such a bad thing after all.  Uncle Ants was there and it didn’t take much to get him to tell stories again. 

This time, Future Ex was able to keep her yap shut and just listen.  (It was probably the fatigue.)  I was finally able to have her hear the stories she missed the first time.

It wasn’t until around noon that I finally decided to punt on going anywhere that day.  Future Ex could barely function and I was definitely whipped.  Even if they started moving planes right then, we’d have still missed our connecting flights, so I decided to get in line at the counter and arrange to make the trip the next day.  The line was only about 10 yards long.  How long could that possibly take?

Answer: An hour and a fucking half.  There was one dude up there that must have monopolized their time for 45 goddamned minutes by himself.  It was all I could do not to come up behind him and beat him with my suitcase.  (The rest of us in line discussed it.)  But eventually, we booked our trip and Dad took us to a very nice hotel nearby.  Future Ex and I then engaged in a long, luxurious, sensuous napping session.  We were out cold until at least 6:00.  

Meanwhile, I learned later that they cleared the runways by cutting the crane up into pieces around 2:00 and the planes started moving again shortly after.  Mom’s family was able to get going to their various destinations.  I think Uncle Joe had the Skycaps take him and Aunt Linda through the airport and onto the plane by rickshaw.

Remember that bonus I mentioned for those that drove to Albany?  Dad’s family was back in Pittsburgh and my buddies were in Toledo before the rest even got off the ground.  I heard that Rik and John’s wives spent the trip passed out in the back seat, their asses having been conquered by the French-Germans.

Meanwhile, when I opened the little box that Dad gave us, I found 5 crisp C-notes folded into a monogrammed money clip.  This came in most useful to pay for our unexpected hotel bill and a very nice dinner.  The next day, we took the airport shuttle back to the airport and winged our way to spend our honeymoon in Carmel (the coolest little town anywhere in the world) and downtown San Francisco.

I shot that picture from Chinatown, looking down the hill to our hotel on the left (we had a room with a balcony on the top floor) and the Trans America Building, aka The Pyramid.  And it turned out to be the perfect metaphor for my married life: it was all downhill from there.

As I’ve often said, “I was married once, but I’m much better now.”

The Only Raven I Like

I'm not up for a complicated post tonight.  I want to have a couple beers, relax, and try to stay awake for the Pens game on the west coast tonight.  Luckily, I have some pictures to share.

Last weekend Pinky and I went out for a walkabout, to take some fall foliage pictures.  Well, she went to exercise... I went to take pictures.  The first weekend in November is traditionally the best time to capture the trees at their peak color.  This year it was a little shaky but we did OK.  We went out to the Loch Raven Dam and Reservoir for our adventure.

(Late edit: The title is a tad misleading.  I also like this Raven.)

The Loch Raven Dam.  My goal is to find a way to get up on top of there with a Terrible Towel and have my picture taken while waving it.  They have the access locked up, but I'll find a way, one day.

This is the view from along side the top of the dam.

Down at water level, you can see the difficulty we have in getting good foliage shots around here.  The trees don't change uniformly.  You can clearly see that some are in color, some are green, and some have already dropped their leaves.

View across the reservoir, framed by the trees in the foreground.

The water's edge.  "So that's where all the leaves are..."

 There's always one that just won't cooperate.

And to finish off, my favorite political cartoon of the week, courtesy of First Door on the Left.

Bowling For Dollars

After the week this has been, I’m tired of even thinking about politics.  Luckily I have some new stuff to talk about.

We had a “Team Building Event” at work today.  This meant we got to leave work at noon and go to a local establishment for some food, drinks and bowling.

I’ve probably only been bowling once in the last 10 years.  When I was a much younger dude, I LOVED bowling.  When I was in Jr High in Columbus, we lived within bicycle distance of a big bowling alley.  When I was bored (and had some allowance money in my pocket) I’d go down to the bowling alley by myself and roll a few games.  It seemed like such a “grownup” thing to do.  I began tracking my scores on this little card they’d give out.   (Yes, even then, I was born to keep stats.  Sadly, spreadsheets hadn’t been invented yet.)  I thought I was starting to get pretty good, you know… for a 9^th-grader.  All I did was roll a “straight-ball”.  I never tried to hook it; just throw it down the middle as hard as I could, like I’d seen my Grandpa do before when he used to take us bowling.

I was so excited, then, when Dad took us kids out for bowling one Saturday.  “I’d show him,” I thought.  He’ll be so proud of how well I do.

Wrong.

It’s not that he wasn’t proud, but the thing was that I was doing it all wrong.

“If you’re going to bowl, you’re going to learn to do it right!” he said.  He began showing me how to let my hand come up the right side of the ball and hook it, as opposed to my method of opening my palm toward the pins from under the ball, and coming straight up from behind.

It was all very good in theory.  In reality, I couldn’t hit a pin to save my life.  My little brother was kicking my ass.  Hell, even my sister was hitting pins and she could barely get the ball down the lane.  I was steaming mad.  Why wouldn’t he let me go back to what I was doing and knock some pins down?  Pissed me off the rest of the day.

But I kept going back.  I continued my visits to the bowling alley and worked on my new form alone.  It was all good.  I got better.  And then I knew how to do it right.  All I had to do was build up a little arm strength so I could throw a bigger bowling ball.  Eventually I became a big, strapping teen and began borrowing my Dad’s 16-lb ball.  Felt like hot shit when I could strut into the bowling alley slinging my own ball, as opposed to those crappy-ass house balls.

In college, I took a bowling course for PE.  That helped me a lot with the strategy for picking up spares.  I always had such trouble with that last pin on the right, so I learned how to start way to the left, throw the hook and let it bite late and drift right into the pin.

I think the best I ever averaged was 204 for a 3-game series.  My high score for a game was about 250, I think.  I used to sub in my buddy Rik’s bowling league once in a while, but after that, I never bowled much any more.

Quick Semi-Related Note:  Rik used to work at our local bowling alley in Toledo.  He was one of the pin monkeys that stayed back there to unjam the machines and whatnot.  He told me he and his co-workers used to spot the pretty girls from back behind the pins and when the girls took their turns, they’d stuff little notes into the finger-holes of their bowling balls before they got sent back.  Helped break the ice, he said.  I always thought that was a cool idea.

So when it came to bowling today, I was a little more apprehensive about it than I used to be.  My shoulder has been giving me some pain since July.  I don’t know if it’s arthritis, which I suspect I’ve had in my collarbone area for over a year now.  This problem is definitely within the shoulder joint.  I don’t know if it’s a ligament or a rotator cuff or labrum or arthritis, or whatever.  Feels a little jangly in the socket. 

I’ve been trying not to put stress on out and to avoid awkward twisting motions.  I know I’ll eventually have to have it looked at, but I’m hoping to avoid it until next year when my Health Care Spending Account reloads. 

It sucks getting old.

Anyway, regular bowling would have been out of the question.  But today, we reserved the “duckpin” lanes.  Duckpin bowling is a Baltimore thing.  I don’t know if it exists anywhere else.  I’d never heard of it in Columbus, Cleveland, Albany, Pittsburgh or anywhere else I've been.

Duckpin bowling is just like regular bowling, only in miniature.  The ball is roughly the size of a softball, I’d guess it weighs about 5 lbs, and the pins are about a third the size of regular pins.  The lanes are the same dimensions. 

The rules are the same except that you get three shots instead of 2.  Strikes and spares are the same but it only counts as a spare on your 2^nd shot.  If you need a 3^rd shot, you only get the total of pins knocked down, without the scoring bonus.

This is a duckpin ball.  And yes, I have more than 2 fingers.  The rest are on the other side of the ball.  The shot does make me look like Lobster Boy, doesn't it?

These are duckpins.  If I was thinking, I’d would have gotten a shot with a lane of regular pins included, so you could compare.

After almost 13 years of living here, this was my first time trying the duckpins.  I must say; it was fun.  Completely frustrating; but fun.  I just rolled my straightball so I wouldn’t tweak my shoulder.  Also, I didn’t want to spend the in-game time trying to figure out the curve.  I figured I’d just go up there and wail.

OK, maybe not wail it, but just do the best I could.  I can’t complain though.  I tied my boss for high score, with a staggering 87.  That’s right… 87.  Out of 11 bowlers, most of them native Baltimoreans, that was the best of the lot.

No matter though… we had a blast.  It’s so much fun leaving of the work environment and just getting out to play.  People really get to let their spirits shine once they escape the cube walls.

But it’s back to the grind tomorrow…  And I’ll get to torment everyone with all the pictures I took of their bowling form…

Popping a Boehner

I can’t blame the Republicans for what happened yesterday.  They did what they do… win elections by any means necessary.  They are expert at running campaigns based on fear and misdirection.  When they aren’t solid on issues, they create new ones that play much better… the “Boogieman” issues that they can use to make people afraid and play on that fear and insecurity.

I’ve been saying it for years; the primary Republican concern is the well-being of business.  Everything else is merely the window-dressing used to get elected.  They glommed on to religion and values by demonizing gays and abortion providers and naughty words on TV.  (Sex is out but blood-spattering violence is fine!)  Every so often, they throw a bone to that crowd and appoint some tight-sphinctered moralist to a watchdog position in the FCC or the Justice Dept.  That leaves them free to dismantle the industry regulation that saves lives but costs money.

So I don’t blame a snake for being a snake.  I blame the Democrats and Independents that sat on their button-pushing thumbs and stayed home.  I blame the people that only came out in 2008 to support their brother Barack and be a part of history, but didn’t bother to come back again to ensure he could have people around to work with him.

I blame the gullible who believe the onslaught of negative, misleading ads, bought and paid for by big-moneyed interests from inside this country and out.

I blame the Roberts court that thought it would be a good idea for billionaires to pay for a flood of advertisement designed specifically to sway people.

I blame the Democrats that didn’t have enough balls among them to get shit done when they had the chance.  One thing I’ll give The Shrub credit for is ramming his issues through Congress. 

He basically said, “Don’t like this bill?  Tough shit.  We won.” 

We should have done the same thing.  Now we have two years of gridlock and watered down bills to look forward to.  Meanwhile, the country spirals down the drain.

Random thought:  John Boehner is so orange, when I carved his face in a pumpkin last weekend, three Insurance Industry lobbyists showed up to give him checks to distribute on the House floor.

I saw an article already this morning about how Boehner wants to “Shelve the health care monstrosity.”  Which part?  The part where your 20-something kids can be carried on your insurance?  The part where you can’t be denied coverage for a pre-existing condition?  The part where your kids are covered?  Please remember that they are NOT going to end the requirement to buy insurance… at least not without a great deal of attention and pressure brought to bear.  The insurance industry loves that part of health care reform.  They just don’t want to have to do anything that might require them to pay for anyone’s health care.

He’s also promising limited government.  I wonder if that means they’re going to stop the government from limiting the right of its citizens to marry or adopt.  Or limit the government’s push into the decisions regarding a person’s reproductive choices.  Or limit the broadcast of research done on the government’s dime, when it contrasts with certain government official’s desired results.  Will Boehner’s government limit the medical choices of those that suffer from debilitating diseases, from cancer to Parkinson’s?

I’m not holding my breath.  I believe they’ll mostly concentrate on limiting big business’s exposure to anything that may decrease profits.  That, my friends, is the Republican Prime Directive.  Everything else is just window dressing.

Electio-cution Day (9:30 Update)

My Election Day started off with what seemed to be a bad omen.  The first song that came up on my MP3 as I set off to vote was “Hells Bells.”  I’m surprised it wasn’t “Money Talks.”  Either way, we certainly seem to be on the “Highway to Hell.”  /ACDC.

I rolled up to my polling place by about 7:15 AM, and lucky for me, there was no one out there stalking the entrance with campaign literature.  That made me very happy.  I hate having to run that gauntlet. 

“Just get the hell out of my way so I can get in and out of this place.” 

And anyone that gets their mind changed (or made up) based on a handout outside the polls should be banned from voting in the first place, under the little-known “Twit Clause” of the Constitution.

Anyway, there was no line at all at my polling place, which I considered to be both a blessing and unsettling.  Even at opening, for the previous election, the place was crammed.  I know we don’t have the glamour of a Presidential election this time around, but it’s every bit as important.  On the bright side, I got in and out within 5 minutes.

And the best part: They had “I Just Voted” stickers!  They’ve never had those before and I’ve always secretly envied those that got to walk around at work with those stickers.  So this time, I didn’t have to write it in crayon on my shirt.

The stickers also help identify potential vote cancellations.  I usually choose to cancel out my boss’s vote because while we get along fine personally and at work, we are polar opposites politically.  In fact, he was talking about politics on the phone today and I had to put my headphones on, or else I know I’d find myself yelling stuff over the cube wall.  Sometimes it’s good to put your head in the sand.  Helps keep you employed.

I mostly covered everything I have to say about the election in yesterday’s post and in the comments.  Now I’m going to start getting into following the returns.  If anything sticks in my craw, I may update this post.

Or, if you don’t see any updates, I may have just drank a quart of bleach and went to bed.  Call 911.

Update: 9:30 PM
Not a lot of suspense tonight; it's a Republican avalanche in the House.  All networks (except ABC) are projecting it already.  Dems are keeping a couple of Governorships and a few Senate races.  Here's to hoping that ABC knows something that the rest do not.  But I'm not holding my breath.

Here in Maryland, they were never really in jeopardy.  Our Governor O'Malley and our ancient, gnomelike Senator Barb (Mikulski) are projected to win easily.  Maryland is a very BLUE State and that's not changing any time soon.

In one mild outbreak of sanity, Teabagger wing nut/witch Christine O'Donnell got trounced in her Senate bid.  One can only hope that Nevada sends Sharron Angle to the same fate.  She's like a less cutsie and much meaner version of O'Donnell, but just as misinformed.

Election Day 2010

Tomorrow is Election Day.  (Or today, depending on when you’re reading.)  It always reminds me of an old joke I used to tell in high school, before political correctness was invented.

“The Japanese Foreign Minister was visiting the White House and at a cocktail party, the First Lady asked him, “And when did you last have an election?”

The Foreign Minister blushed and stammered, “Before blekfast.”

Election Days aren’t so funny to me any more, especially not this one.

Two years ago, there was a public groundswell for change and a young, articulate Midwesterner rode that wave to the White House and he carried a lot of like-minded people with him.

This year, the ground is swelling again, but now it’s not a wave of hope, but one of fear, hate, and misdirection.  It’s hidden behind a lot of lofty but amorphous ideals like “liberty” and “freedom.”  It has to be hidden because they can’t just come out and say “We need to go back to Republican government now because the businesses need to start paying big bonuses to their executives again.  Those Democrat do-gooders are upsetting the applecart, with their oversight and regulations.  Things go so much better for us when we regulate ourselves.”

What upsets me so much is that it’s working.  We have this childish need for immediate gratification, stoked by talk radio and Fox “News.”  Sarah Palin was quoted in this morning’s paper quoting “the voters” as saying, “You blew it President Obama.  We gave you the two years to fulfill your promise of making sure that our economy starts roaring back to life again.”

  

  

Two whole years.  The Democrats inherited an economy battered by 8 years of neglect and mismanagement and the Dems are at fault because they couldn’t fix it in two years.  I’ve made this point several times before but it’s still no less valid.  There wasn’t a fucking peep out of the Republicans when President Shrub and his business cronies turned a surplus into a huge deficit.  When they cut taxes, you and I got our beaks wet, but Big Business sucked up 98% of the dollars.  There was zero complaining from the right about the deficit.  But as soon as the dollars start going to the middle class, they’re all crying about the deficit, and their “liberty.”  As soon as it’s not their guy doing the spending, it’s socialism.

"Liberty" is what you fall back on when you can’t win an argument on merit.  “Patriotism” and “Freedom” work just as well.  It’s a way to move the masses when you don’t dare tell them what you’re really up to.

So every year, the usual boogiemen are trotted out: Gay marriage, abortion, stem cells, and now, illegal aliens.

I’ll tell you what; the Republicans could stamp out illegal immigration in a heartbeat if they really wanted to.  All they’d have to do is put their effort to prosecute employers that hire illegal immigrants.  The jobs dry up, so does the flow of immigrants.

But they’ll never do that, because they are beholden to the businesses.  The businesses are financing their campaigns, now more than ever.  (Thank you Justice Roberts.)  Plus, prices would rise because the cheap labor would be gone.  So what do they do?  They rail about building walls and anchor babies and welfare and dozens of imagined rights that they have.  Meanwhile, the porch light is still lit.  Wouldn’t it be easier just to turn out the light, you know, if that’s what you were really after?

But the immigration is more useful as an issue than it is as an actual problem to solve.  Immigration can be used to tell lies about finding heads in the desert and panic people into voting Republican. 

I remember seeing an interview with a Republican operative, back during the last Presidential campaign.  This guy was suggesting that it was actually better for Republicans if Obama won.  That way, he’d be saddled with all the problems of their making and when he couldn’t solve them in a reasonable time frame, (ie. right now), the Republicans could ride right back into office. 

Why do you think they put so much effort into stuffing conservatives into all the lower and mid level government posts and lobbying outfits?  They were laying in reserves for the long run.

It’s disturbing that this is exactly how it’s working out.  They’re running the playbook perfectly.  The only problem is once they get back into control, we instantly revert to the year 2000.  And that would be great news, if, of course, you’re one of those top 2% in the country.

I doubt that the Republicans will regain control of both houses.  Probably the House, and they’ll draw closer in the Senate.  And if you think nothing got done these last two years, just wait for the next two.  The Right doesn’t care what happens to the middle class, and whatever does happen, they will blame on the Democrats.  Hell, they’re doing it right now.  They are actively harping about nothing getting done and the awful state of, well, everything, but they oppose every single piece of legislation put forth, whether they agree with it or not.  I say when you are ridiculing ideas that you, yourself put forth in previous years, you are too goddamned disingenuous to be taken seriously.

You all know my position: you don’t put the car back into the hands of the people that drove it off the fucking cliff, even if you don’t have all the dents banged out of it yet.

Don’t believe the commercials… any of them.  It’s all bullshit designed to strike emotional chords.  Just look at what happened for yourself.  Eight years of George W. Bush and friends brought the economy in this country to the abyss.  Complaining about spending the money necessary to fix it is laughable. 

Your taxes went down, not up.  (If you make over $250K, I apologize.  Your taxes went up.  You still make many times what I do.  Cry me a fucking river, pay the bill and go back to the country club.) 

More people can get health care now.  Not everyone, yet, but it’s better.  The insurance companies can’t screw you as vigorously as they were before.  (They’ll have to find new ways… they’re working on it right now.  First priority, when the Repubs get back in power they’ll remove the bans on disallowing pre-existing conditions and all the public safeguards that were just passed, BUT… They’ll keep the requirements that everyone has to buy health insurance.  This is a fact.  The Insurance Industry is lobbying on it right now.)

Bans on Morning After contraception have been lifted, as have the gag rules that withheld funding to any international aid group that dared to even talk about abortion.  The “Conscience Rule” has been lifted, which allowed pharmacists to deny dispensing birth control if it was against their personal principles.  That one always struck me as particularly stupid… it’s like allowing a vegan cashier to refuse to ring up your bologna sandwich.

The Justice Dept. is actually pursuing Justice cases and is not being sent on election fraud witch-hunts.  We’re actually somewhat respected in the world again, because we have a leader that considers all angles, weighs information and makes decisions, as opposed to his predecessor that went with his gut and whichever way made the most money for Halliburton.

Things are finally turning around.  It’s not fast and it’s not easy.  There’s still a long way to go.  But if we turn the keys back to this collection of back-slapping, Big Business-dick-sucking frat boys and puckered-bung moralists, then we deserve what’s coming to us.

But at least we’ll have plenty of “freedom” and “liberty.”

Thank you, as always, to First Door on the Left, for being a fabulous go-to source for political cartoons.