Saturday, June 18, 2011

Don't Make Me Go All 'Jules Winnfield' on Your Little Ass

This week saw the release of the greatest children’s book, ever.  OK, it’s not really a “children’s” book… It’s the book for parents of children, lovingly titled, “Go The F**k to Sleep,” written by Adam Mansbach.

As the title indicates, it’s a book written from a frazzled father’s point of view, trying to coax his little angel into going the fuck to sleep.  The book is lovingly illustrated and it’s the juxtaposition of the beautiful art, the sweet sing-song rhymes and incessant vulgarity that makes me laugh my ass off. 

But the real stroke of brilliance is that they got Samuel L. Jackson to read the “Book on Tape.” 
Jules says, “Do I look like a bitch to you?  Go the fuck to sleep.”

Now we move from funny to genius.  It’s almost like it was written expressly for this guy to read.  In fact, this move is so freakin’ great that I actually feel sorry for the author.

I received a PDF of this book via email last week.  This week, clips of the audio book are all over the Internet.  It’s totally gone viral.  So how the hell is this poor schmo going to make any money?  For his sake, I hope he got paid up front by his publisher.

But I digress.  I really just wanted to share this clip.  It opens with Samuel L. talking about his own trials and tribulations with putting his daughter to sleep, and goes on to his reading of the entire book.  (Only 6:20… a most worthy investment of your time.) 

Late Edit: The clip I originally used was removed from service, no doubt by the copyright police.  At the moment, this clip still works, showing SLJ reading 3 of the verses from "Go the F**K to Sleep."

When I was a kid, a book like this was not necessary.  There was very little nighttime foolishness in our house.  My brother and I may have chattered with each other a bit, and may have even got out of bed to torment each other, but we NEVER left the room and God forbid we ever called out for something lame like a glass of water.

When we were told it was bedtime, we got up, went to the bathroom, then went to bed.  There was no negotiations or delaying tactics.  Our options were always the same:

1.  Go to bed now.
2.  Go to bed now with a swat in the ass.
3.  And stay there.

End of negotiations.

Once in bed, we stayed there.  Moms used to say that if we were sick, we could come in and get her.  I never found this to be an option.  I’d have rather put a sharp stick in my eye than go in there and wake up my parents.  It just wasn’t done.

If my dad were to write a bedtime book, I’m pretty sure it would be called, “Don’t Make Me Come In There.”  That was a runaway best seller in our house.


  1. Hahahahaha! Don't you just love it? This book has gone viral! Joey is here, picking up my Kia Sedona, which I gave him, and this morning, it was the first thing he wanted me to see on-line.

    Bluz, thanks for the nice comment on my post.

    Your Hot(ter) Arizona Auntie

  2. Judie,
    So glad you're back with the 'sighted.' I'm actually quite invested in you having eyesight. Otherwise, Rod would have to read you all my posts...

  3. Bluz, my parents did the same thing with me, and I did the same thing with my kids. get to bed. now!

  4. Right you are. Bedtime was NEVER NEGOTIABLE. You kids grew up under one dictum: Selfishness! Ours. So goes PARENT POWER.
    "Don't make me come in there." AMEN

  5. Cher and Mary Ann,
    Parents are people too! And the good ones make the rules and then apply them.

    Not sure when it was in our culture that the power was shifted from the grownups to the children. Puzzling...

  6. Saw this a couple of days ago and laughed my butt off. He does such an amazing reading of the book.

    Conveniently, this came out right after Mark showed me a YouTube video of Pulp Fiction with only the cursing.

  7. Jessica,
    When I was doing my PT on my shoulder Friday morning, 2 of the trainers were talking about putting their kids to bed. I told them about the book and Sam's rendition. Dude looked it up on his laptop, on the spot, and played the audio clip. We spent the rest of my session laughing our heads off.

  8. I can't believe The Guy and I are lucky enough that this is coming out just in time for Baby Powell's birth.

    It feels like a blessing from Jesus.

  9. Mrs. Bachelor Girl,
    With sufficient exposure, whenever Baby Powell hears a Samuel L Jackson movie come on... she'll immediately go the fuck to sleep.

    "I am sick and tired of these m'er f'n snakes on the m'r f'n plane!"


  10. When parenthood became an Industry, not a function and fact of life. The power didn't shift from grown-nups to children. Grown ups surrendered to the prevailing corporate/medical/psycho wah-wah.

  11. That is pretty much in the top 5 funniest things I've ever fucking seen......EVER! You will never know how true this is unless you've been a parent! Hahahahhaaaaa!:D

  12. Virgil,
    Yeah, getting SLJ to do this takes it all from 'just another clever idea' to 'freakin' genius.'

    No, I don't have kids so I don't have a dog in this fight, but I read an awful lot of family blogs about the battle lines drawn around bedtime. Obviously, times have changed for parents and now they're negotiating with their kids. Never happened in my house, growing up.

    Anyway, I'm usually loathe to press my ideas about it on anyone, just to avoid being one more idiot without kids trying to tell parents how it should be done. And on the rare occasions when I do make a comment, I always call it "Parenting Advice from Another Childless Douche."

    I probably ought to make that a semi-regular feature here... Eh, maybe not.

  13. That is hilarious. I heard about it but have a very short attention span, so quickly forgot about it.

    Yeah, at my house growing up, we were NEVER in our parents' room and we went to bed when we were put (or sent) to bed. Fully admitting one of my failings as a parent, I am okay with my kid ending up in my bed a few times a month. I could never take every night or even several times a week, but I have friends who actually go to bed when their kids go bed because that is the only way the kids will go to sleep. I would go crazy.

  14. Facie,
    I don't think any of us kids ever even asked to sleep in our parents bedroom. That's just the way it was. I don't even think any of our cribs were in there as babies, but that's way too long ago to remember correctly. The way I remember it, we all had rooms right off the bat. Used to be jealous that my sister (the youngest) got her own room but I had to share with my brother.

  15. There's another book along these lines called "Once Upon a Time The End (Asleep in Sixty Seconds), with delightful lines like: "There were some bears;/It doesn't really matter how many./There was a bunch./Let's get to the point..."

  16. Sharyn,
    Welcome! You've got to love 'brevity' in a children's book. One of my favorite qualities.

  17. Awesome book, saw it last week for the first time and think it is effing brilliant! When I babysit my nephews, I am sure have said those words more than once!

  18. I only have one child(a five year old daughter) here in Utah(where the norm is seven plus kids) that's considered no kids at all! So I can still relate!:) Some how I thought you had kids man, sorry, my bad...

  19. Jules could scare dead people awake and then put them back to sleep.

  20. The book's already a best-seller before publication. I bought a copy for a friend's birthday (she has toddlers). I think it's going to be a popular baby shower or baby's first birthday gift. I'm glad--I'd like to see the author rewarded for this. Too many funny people work for free.

    Did you also find yourself imagining other great bedtime stories for Samuel L. Jackson to read? I'd love to hear how he interprets "The Three Bears" or "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."

  21. Brahm,
    Luckily, when I got to babysit my nephews, bedtime was never a big thing. They got to stay up until their parents came home, and if they fell asleep before that, so be it.

    I'm not totally without some experience though... I was married, after all, to a woman with a 7 yr old kid. I had 5 years of their 'going to bed' bullshit.

    And I thought you were way to young to have kids...

    Fuckin' A...

    I saw in this morning's paper that it was the #1 non-fiction best seller this week, so I guess all the internet attention hasn't hurt sales much.

    Would love to hear LSJ read the Three Little Pigs... "Open up that door, little pigs, or I'll take my AK47 and make sure I absolutely positively kill every motherfuckin' pig in the house."

  22. I think this book actually set some sort of pre-order record on Amazon. I know I pre-ordered one for a Father's Day gift for my brother, the father of 4 (god save him).

  23. Good for your parents. You were raised right.

    Samuel L. Jackson is a national mother-fucking treasure.

  24. DG,
    Good for him! He saw a need and filled it admirably. Father of 4? Holy crap... I hope for his sake he runs a tight ship.

    Yes, I was, and I think we got a pretty good blueprint. If only I had a chance to use it myself, rather than give unsolicited advice to others...

  25. Just like the BARN Parties the OLDIES went to bed WE went to bed !!!!!!!! Don't recall any Questions JUST COMPLIANCE .......

  26. Kind of what Mary Ann said. I think there has been an instinct, too, to go away from what our parents did. Not that *I* feel that way, but Dr. Dan & I aren't quite on the same page. I have set the bedtime rules (get in bed and stay there), and I don't negotiate, I punish (taking away TV the next night, for example). Dan, because he spends so much less time with the kids, tends to be a big pushover when it comes to bedtime. It's a bone of contention between us. We're still working on it. ;)

    Somewhere along the line parenting shifted to "friending", as if it's vital your kids like you. My kids don't have to like me; I'm their mom. They have to *respect* me and listen to me. Also, see: helicopter parenting = protecting the children from pain or failure at all costs so that they become "happy". It's the dumbest parenting idea EVER.

  27. No, the video's been pulled because of a copyright! I NEED to hear this! I'm gonna go scour the internet now...

  28. Aw, damn. I've been out of town and arrived too late to the party to see the clip. Guess I'll have to wait for the video of "Don't Make Me Come in There."

  29. Reeeik,
    The Barn Parties held true to the form that was established growing up. I almost always crawled up into bed before The Oldes did. Dad was usually up last, watching Simon & Garfunkel in Central Park, out in the Barn with the last people still conscious.

    Yes, go get along in my family, Compliance was a requirement. Made life much easier.

    Red Pen Mama,
    I agree totally. I don’t get how helicopter parents don’t see the huge downside to that: raising kids that are completely dependent and/or entitled. I always thought that the parent’s primary objective is to make their kids self-sufficient. Kids have to learn that things won’t always go their way, and how to get back up after a pitfall.

    One other truism I learned, especially during my 5-year stint as a step-father, is that kids will give you as much crap as you’ll take. Kid never gave me any trouble when it was just me and him at home. He knew right off that I didn’t play that shit. But the second Mom came home, it was another story completely and he’d go directly to maniac overdrive.

    Not being on the same page as your husband can be a problem. A United Front is always best because kids will quickly learn to divide and conquer. As my buddy John always says, “The Chiefs have to be united against The Indians.”

    So sayeth Another Childless Douche.

    Beer for the Shower,
    Stupid copyright laws… I suspected something like that might happen. The video I’d bookmarked for use earlier in the week was taken down before I found this one. I just “borrowed” the clip InJaynesWorld has… It’s still up at the moment.

    Don’t Make Me Come in There sounds like the perfect sequel. Maybe I’ll get Joe Pesci to do the audio book.

  30. I have successfully instilled the fear into Claire. Luca yells, but he shuts up after a few minutes of none of us going in there. Mae is still too young to get it. She'll learn. Quickly.

    I don't put up with shit. That should be the sequel to the sequel.

  31. Cassie,
    Mae will probably go either of 2 ways… either she’ll take her cues from her older siblings and go to bed, or she’ll try to one-up them and get special attention. (Not that it would work on Nurse Pain…)

    Your plan works, no doubt. When children’s little brains are working out their relationships and interactions with their parents and the world, that’s the time to get them with the Program. So many people seem to think they can let the little ones do pretty much anything, but then expect them to snap-to when they hit 4 or 5. Too late. They already know how to get away with stuff. There is no magic age when kids decide to behave (at least not until after college.) If it’s not ground in from Day One, it won’t happen without a big messy battle.

    So sayeth (again) Another Childless Douche.

  32. Director's DVD Commentary: Welp, there goes the second video, also killed by the publisher. I'm going to call it a day on posting any more attempts. Hope you got to see it while it was still up.

  33. You just made me thank my dad (on Facebook, because gross, I'm not using the phone) for letting me wake him up every night to kill spiders on my bedroom ceiling in our old farmhouse.

  34. Mundane,
    At least with spiders, that's an actual issue and not a delaying tactic. (They WERE real spiders, right?) It's reasonable for a little girl to want her daddy to kill a spider in her room... Well, unless you were like 17, or a game was on or something...

  35. I just saw a news segment that profiled that book and the author. Great idea!

    And I so relate to the 3-option plan your parents gave you - they must know my parents. My cat even knows the phrase "Time for bed". I say it once, and she comes to bed. God I love cats!

  36. Kernut,
    If only more children approached the concept of “sleep” the same way cats did. Parents would get a heck of a lot more done…


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