Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A Bird in the Hand

OK, that’s another Super Bowl in the can.  My take: entertaining game, the G-Men won, causing misery for Tom Brady and the cheating Patriots and Pinky made really good chili.  Madonna’s halftime show was adequate, although I was generally unimpressed with the day’s commercials.  (Not nearly enough really memorable ones.)  All in all, it was a good day.

So what was the big story on Monday?  Some rapper chick flipped the bird during the halftime show and as usual, people were losing their freakin’ minds.  Over a finger.

I don’t care what it “means,” it’s a finger!  It’s not like it was a split second of Janet Jackson’s sad little boob.  If you see all five, they’re waving goodbye and you wave back.  Just the one?  Apparently you go to the media and proclaim your outrage.

I watched the entire show and I never even noticed.  How bad could it have possibly been?  

OK, when you see a picture, it looks bad because a picture is frozen.  The offending finger just hangs there, continuing to Eff You for as long as you look.

One story that cracked me up is where the Parents Television Council screamed that because the NFL promised a clean show,” The NFL lied because a performer known as M.I.A. felt it necessary to flip off millions of families.”

Yeah, like the NFL set it all up that way.  It's only a lie when the entity in question knows it was going to happen.  I don't think anybody but this Miss M.I.A. knew what was coming.  And it's such a tragedy for America, no?  The terrorists have won.  I’m sure that any second now, the country will crumble like it did in the Mayan Calendar/End of the World/Dodge Truck commercial.

Now let me go on record as saying that I think it was a stupid and pointless gesture on the rapper chick’s part, except for the part where she obviously wanted people talking about her.  That worked like a charm.  But seriously, all this outrage?  It’s just people wanting to feel relevant and morally superior to the rest of the unwashed masses.  Again.

So to get to the bottom of it all, I decided to have a dialogue with the Parents Television Council.

Bluz: So what’s your fuckin’ problem?

PTC: Don’t take that tone with me, motherfucker, or I’ll bitchslap your ass back to the den of iniquity from whence you came.  Wait, is that tape recorder on?

Bluz: No, now as you were saying?

PTC: We say that the NFL ought to limit the performers for halftime to nice, wholesome, family-friendly acts.  Like country music.  We in the PTC love country music.

Bluz:

PTC: Ew, that’s not fair.  He’s friends with that wicked Willie Nelson.  Willie must have made him do that.  OK, forget country.  They should book that nice Canadian boy, Justin Bieber.

Bluz:

PTC: Oh dear.  My kids are going to be crushed when I have to burn their Bieber CDs.  Wait, didn’t the Rolling Stones play halftime a few years back?  Have them do it again!  I know they used to be Satanic, but they seem sweet now.

Bluz:

PTC: Oh dear, oh dear, this isn't working out at all.  Maybe some of the 80’s rocker hae straightened out.  Are there any around, or are they still high on smack?

Bluz: 

PTC:  Maybe we can bring Madonna back.  She was good on Sunday… Even if she touches herself on stage the way she used to, it’s still better than...

Bluz:

PTC: Maybe we should just forget the musicians altogether.  Why don’t we get some people to ballroom dance?  Yeah!  We can get some wholesome TV stars and they can come out and waltz, and…

Bluz:

PTC: Oh, not Rebecca Howe!  Now Mr. Colcord will never marry her.  So what about that vampire girl?  She never had sex with that sparkly vampire until they were married!  Maybe she can dance for us...

Bluz: 

PTC: OK, scrap the music, scrap the dancing; I say we just do the news.

Bluz:

PTC: Aww, not America's Sweetheart!!  What about animal acts?

Bluz:

PTC: I know, we can go and talk to people in rest homes.  Oh, our nation's seniors have so much they can tell us.

Bluz:

PTC: Come on now!  We have to have something wholesome!  Think of all the little people!

Bluz:

PTC: No, I mean children!  The sweet, innocent children!

Bluz:

PTC: [glaring at Bluz] The President!  At halftime, we should have the President deliver an uplifting speech to the nation!

Bluz:

PTC: No way… he’s got three strikes against him… He’s black, he’s a Democrat, and that’s photoshopped!

Bluz:

PTC: He’s still black and Democrat.

Bluz:

PTC: [in shaking voice] You too, Dubya?  OK, I give.  Everybody in the country is a middle finger-wagging heathen.  What do YOU think that we, the tight-sphinctered, pure-minded, righteously indignant citizens of middle America, would like to see?

Bluz:

PTC: Can we get them???  That would be just aces!

Bluz:

PTC: I’m sorry, we answer to a higher power.

Bluz:

PTC: You know, you have a bad attitude.  What would your mother say?

Bluz: 

Bluz: She'd say I’m her #1 Son.

32 comments:

  1. You can't see me, but I'm flipping you off right now.

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  2. How 'bout dat plaid rag. You are always # 1.

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    1. Yeah, who knew you were Scottish?

      That was from the Barn Bachelor Party for John, circa 1980.

      #1 Party Mom!

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  3. This is hands down the best post-Superbowl write up I've read all week. It's the sacred right of all Americans to flip that bird anywhere, anytime and anyplace. Even I do it, it's so satisfying. And those pictures you've gathered together. Great comedy Bluz.

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    1. Americans and non-Americans alike!

      I had no idea that this was such a fertile ground to mine. Anyone who's anyone is flipping somebody off; even anyone who's no one.

      Thanks, Anne. That's high praise coming from one who knows comedy like you do.

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  4. Fantastic post. Made me laugh.

    Also, PTC is too conservative to even think about suggesting the president.

    And that last photo of your mom is fantastic.

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    1. Thanks, Jess. And I have to admit it… I LOVE this post. It’s one of the few I’ve tagged as “Best of Darwinfish” right from the start. Just keeps crackin’ my shit up.

      And the shot of my mom says it all, doesn’t it?

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  5. Can't stop laughing! Now THAT is great post!

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    1. Thanks. And it pains me to say this because I hate to sound all full of myself, but this is one of my favorites. But now I fear I’ve gone and set the bar too high for future posts.

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  6. The last thing I want to do is defend an attention-starved fame whore, but... yeah, it's just a finger, innit? It means what we decide it means. One day my college English teacher pointed to a tree and said "What is that?" and we all said "It's a tree." Why? Because we decided to label that thing with the word 'tree'. Ya know?

    I know the Pats are a bunch of dirty cheaters, but damn I'm pissed they lost. If it was just team vs. team and/or I wasn't stuck in NY's shadow I'd be happy for the Giants. But having lived on both sides of the "Greatest City In The World" I can honestly say that there's nothing more obnoxious than a victorious New York sports fan. NOTHING.

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    1. What it means is that people take it far too seriously. It’s still a big difference between a mental interpretation and an actual prurient body part.

      And their crap about The Children? Either kids will be so young as to miss it, or they already know it’s the Bad Finger. (Or they are seriously sheltered/clueless. If their school has a playground, they know). Either way, it should be fairly straight forward to handle.

      Example: The former.
      “What does that finger mean?”
      “Honey, that’s a rude gesture that people with bad manners use.”

      Example: The latter.
      “Why did that lady give the finger?”
      “She’s just trying to show off. It was very rude, and we don’t allow that in this house.” [Accompany with the “I Mean It Parental Glare of Death.”]

      What you don’t do is start pitching a fit in the media, unless you’re just trying to reinforce your own Holier Than Thou reputation for heightened morality.

      I feel ya about the NY fans. I suppose that if I lived in the shadow of the Big Apple, I’d feel the same way. But I live in “Charm City” and to me, there’s nothing more obnoxious than a Ratbird fan with a championship. (Or any other big win.) Boston fans will give them a run for their money though. We get to see the NY and Boston fans up close a dozen times a year, when they come to invade Camden Yards.

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  7. That finger post was HIlarious. We watched the half-time show, and I never noticed MIA (of whom I am a fan) flipping the bird. Although it sounded to me like she said "shit" as part of her rap. So, whatever. As someone on NPR said last night, "You keep calling it an obscene gesture, but it's not. It's a rude gesture, sure, and maybe you don't want your kids to see it, but it's not obscene." I'm paraphrasing. Obscene having more to do with the S-E-X than with just being rude.

    So, to paraphrase Faulkner: "sound & fury. Signifying nothing." Or maybe that's Faulkner paraphrasing the Bible. I get my literary and Biblical references confused all the time.

    Ciao!

    PS: My husband and I actually came up with an emoticon for "the finger": iIii. We also came up with a hug one: )O( Yeah, sometimes we get bored.

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    1. Thanks RPM.

      I missed the bird and I must have missed the "shit" too. Either my powers of observation are deteriorating with my rapidly advancing age, or it just wasn't all that blatant.

      I agree with the rude. Remember, I am in no way supporting that kind of activity. It's neither the time nor the place. It wasn't even her show. I bet Madonna kicked her ass under the stage.

      Nice emoticons. If I were doing the finger one on an email, I'd use a larger font for the Finger-L. Not much you can do here though.

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  8. Okay, this is the best post you've EVER done! EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR! LM(size 4)AO. Oh, and I loved it, too!

    For the record, I missed the offending finger and a few years back, I missed the offending nipple. I was watching. I just didn't see it until everyone went ape shit. These people should just STFU and not give it more attention than it deserves.

    Now I'm off to scrawl this on Internet bathroom walls everywhere.

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    1. Thanks Jayne, I'll take all the help I can get, bathroom walls and all.

      Funny, I missed Janet's "debut" as well. I bet more people become aware of these things from the uproar than they do directly from the offending event. Chalk it up to the moralists making sure that everyone in the country has a chance to be offended.

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  9. I seen your link on twitter...and you were right. This is the best post I've seen out of you! Fine job! Had me laughing the whole way through!

    It's amazing how America can go into an uproar over one little finger. Don't we have anything better to do than pretend that we are all so civilized and have never seen such an obscene gesture? There isn't a person I know who has never flown the bird..including my kids. I don't see the big deal...it's just a finger for god's sake!

    So at that...I leave you with this... t(0_0)t

    That's a double bird if you don't know! lol

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    1. That's what we do best any more... fly into an uproar over trivia. People are so afraid of their bodies, they flip out over the mere non-verbal communication of something remotely related to doing the freak-nasty with said bodies. For the children, of course.

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  10. I was offended. No one can do such a potent gesture justice like the late Johnny Cash. Actually, I wasn't offended, but I like to pretend in order to fit in every once in a while.

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    1. Welcome aboard, Nellie. But the question is, why would you want to fit in with a bunch of ultra-pious assholes? Let that rebellious flag fly!

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  11. I'm still trying to figure out why they see any of this. Don't they keep their heads in the sand all the time? When would they have the opportunity to even know what it "means"?

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    1. Heads in the sand? You’re being kind. I was thinking somewhere darker. Maybe they’re not that bendy.

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  12. holy moly - what a collection of fingers. all i know about the superbowl is that the end result made giselle very mad. lol

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    1. I feel bad for Giselle. She’s upset and trying to get out of Dodge, but surrounded by heckling Giants fans. If it were me, I would have said much worse. How about winning with a little class? I’ll have more on this in my next post.

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  13. Funny you mention it. The first thing I did after the game ended was flip the bird to Bill Belichik and smile. It felt damn satisfying watching him stomp onto the field with a scowl and his stupid hoodie. And I didn't mind the halftime show either. The stage effects were pretty damn impressive. Hilariously put together post, man. Nicely done. The Obama bit killed me.

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    1. Thanks, dude. That means a lot coming from you… you guys know your ‘funny.’

      Do you realize that the Pats have now lost more Super Bowls than they’ve won? Of course, you have to count that old one against the ’85 Bears when they got annihilated. That should really count for 2.

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  14. Well, you have outdone yourself again, Bluz! What a great post! It will go down in the anals of blogdom as one of the best.

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    1. Well, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. And please tell me you meant the “annals” of history. Because I don’t do the other…

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  15. That. was. inspired.

    My biggest problem was that it felt like Cris Collinsworth screwed me with my pants on with his inane blather all through the game. That shit will stick with you.

    Wes Welker drops a pass. Collinsworth: "Welker makes that catch 100 out of 100 times."

    HE JUST DROPPED IT, IDIOT!!

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    1. Yeah, I kind of chuckled at that one too. But then sportscasters aren’t usually known for their understatement.

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  16. Hahahaha! Thumbs up--or should I say, middle finger up, to this one!

    OMG, how much time did it take you to compile all these photos? Or have you kept a file all these years, entitled "Future Fabulous F*ck-You Fotos"?

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    1. First I was just looking for a prominent finger-flyer so I Googled "Famous middle fingers." Johnny Cash was the first one up and that sent the gears turning. Then as I started scrolling through the rest of the images, I decided to collect the good ones and worry about a narrative later. Took about 15 minutes to find all the ones I used.

      Then I just had to figure out how to string them together, and the "interview" idea just kinda popped out. It's kind of like the visual equivalent of those old Dickie Goodman records where he asks a question and plays a snippet of a hit song for the answer.

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