Thursday, February 23, 2012

Dick

Yep, that’s what this post is about.  And I don’t mean Dick Clark, Dick Cavett, Dick Nixon or racecar driver Dick Trickle.

And I know what you’re thinking… “Is there really a guy in the public eye named Richard Trickle who wants to be known as Dick?  He sounds like a walking advertisement for gonorrhea.

To that I say, “Remember, this is NASCAR we’re talking about.”

I still don’t get how “Dick” got to be short for “Richard” anyway… I suppose it was a progression, from Richard to Rich to Rick to Dick.  Still seems like a stretch, to me.

But if ever there were someone that should have insisted on being called Dick, you’d think it would have been Richard Roundtree.  "Dick Roundtree" sounds like a Native American porn star.  But I digress…

I know that this is going to seem like a real “guy” post, stay with me here, if you happen to be female.  You may catch some real insight here about a large, pulsating part of the male culture: the dick joke.

The dick jokes start with boys, who after mastering the art of the fart joke and the poop joke, inevitably move on to the dick joke.  As the dick is the primary way we measure ourselves against our peers (albeit subconsciously), the dick joke becomes the primary tool.  A boy quickly learns to use the dick joke to either cut a rival down to size, or build up his own legend.

Name-calling is the simplest way to start talking smack.  Simply refer to your rival as needle-dick, thumb-dick, or little mushroom cap.  Ask a guy, “Are you glad to see me, or is that a roll of dimes in your pocket?”  That way, you insult both his masculinity and his equipment. 

It’s even more effective than dissing one’s mother.  Not all the boys have mothers about whom they are sensitive, but they all have dicks.

I remember the first time I broke out the heavy artillery at school.  Some kid that was much bigger than me had been giving me a hard time.  One day during 7th grade Social Studies class, he said something stupid directed at me. 

I said, “Hey Jim, I heard you got busted for streaking, but they couldn’t arrest you… there was a lack of evidence.”  (Remember, this was the 70’s.)

It killed.  Even the teacher almost smiled.  I don’t think Jim got it though, because he wasn’t waiting to kick the crap out of me after class. 

Besides using “little dick” jokes to cut down a rival, it’s far more common to tell “big dick” jokes in general, and regarding yourself in particular.  Since guys rarely actually check for proof, we’re much more inclined to take a guy’s word for it.  So it pays to keep the idea circulating that you’re packing meat like Oscar Mayer. 

One of the first jokes guys learn is the “Two Guys Peeing in the River” story.  The setup varies, but the punch line is universal.  One guy, trying to impress his friend, says, “Boy, that water’s cold.” 

The other guy says, “Yeah, and it’s deep, too!

This will resurface any time two or more guys are peeing into water.  I most often hear it during fishing trips or in the men’s room at football games, when the venue has a “trough” instead of individual urinals.  One guy will go, “Damn, this water’s cold.”  And someone else, friend or not, will pipe up, “And deep, too.”  Sometimes so many guys answer, they practically harmonize.  Call it “The Brotherhood of the Schlong.”

And you can totally tell that a guy made up the word “schlong.”  Anyone else might have called it a “schlort.”

This theme really pops up in high school.  I know my buddies and I were always making jokes about our relative endowments.  I had one friend that had a T-shirt made up that said, “10 Inch,” and not because he was a fan of the Aerosmith song, “Big Ten Inch Record.”  He never wore it out in public though.  But I borrowed it to wear once or twice.  Gotta promote the brand.


Mind you, it’s not just me.  Back when Robin Williams was “Mork from Ork,” he named his first comedy album, “The Throbbing Python of Love.”  He opened his act by saying, “First I’d like to show you something that I’m really proud of… The first 3 rows better move back though…”

Even a wordsmith like the late Warren Zevon wasn’t above dropping a dick joke into his lyrics.  Here’s a verse from “Lord Byron’s Luggage,” a song that otherwise had nothing to do with the old trouser snake:

“I had a little friend named Mr. Johnson
Who always tried to be like me.
He rose to the heights of his profession.
He was hard on his friends and family.”

I never “named” mine, but it’s not uncommon.  One buddy of mine used to refer to his as “Big Thunder.”  But I usually just let my girlfriend call it whatever she pleased.  I was just happy it was getting her attention.

When I worked at the record store in Toledo, I used to make so many “big dick” jokes that for a present, my boss once got me a Cross pen with the monogram, “HC.”  (for Horse Cock.) 

So what I’m getting at is that guys like to tell ‘big dick’ jokes, even if they are not themselves the frame of reference.  Perhaps it’s because we seek to soak up the reflected ‘big dick’ vibes that result.

Here are a couple of good ones.

***

The night before his wedding, a guy made a tearful confession to his fiancé.

Honey,” he said, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you have to know this before we marry.  I’m hung like a baby.”

Oh, that’s OK, Sweetheart,” she said.  “I love you for you, not for your endowment.”

So they were married as planned.  Then on their wedding night, the new bride screamed as she beheld the sight of her husband’s tool for the first time.  It was bigger than any she’d ever seen!

She said, “I thought you said you were hung like a baby!

He said, “I am… 8 pounds, 6 ounces.”

***

A guy walked into a small, neighborhood bar and announced he was buying a round for the house.

What’s the occasion?” the bartender asked.

To celebrate the birth of my first son!” the guy answered.  “He’s a big Pittsburgh boy, 20 pounds, 7 ounces!  Just brought my little Steeler fan home today.”

The entire bar gasped.  The bartender said, “Just born and he’s over 20 pounds?  How can that be?

The guy said, “Everything’s bigger in Pittsburgh!  Haven’t you ever heard of Primanti’s, or seen our fish sandwiches?

With that, he showed everyone a cell phone picture of the biggest baby anyone had ever seen.  The baby was so big that his feet were hanging over the end of the bassinette.  The guy was telling the truth so throughout the night, people came by to offer congratulations and buy him a drink.  Before he left for the night, he promised he’d come back to give everyone a progress report.

A week later, he returned to the bar.  Excited, the bartender asked, “So, how much does your little Steeler fan weigh now?

The guy replied, “Fifteen pounds, three ounces.”

Oh my,” the bartender gasped.  “Is he OK?  Why did he lose so much weight?

The guy smiled and with a tear in his eye, said, “Just had him circumcised.”

***

This one’s my favorite:

A boy was at the circus with his mom and dad.  While Dad was getting popcorn, the boy asked his mom, “What’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s his trunk.”

“No, on the other side.”

“That’s his tail.”

“No, underneath.”

Flustered and not wanting to talk about it, the mom said, “Oh that’s nothing.”

Later when Dad came back and Mom went to the rest room, the boy asked his dad, “What’s that long thing under the elephant”

“That’s his penis.”

“Well how come Mom said it was nothing?”

“Son,” he sighed, “I’ve spoiled that woman…”

12 comments:

  1. This reiterates the fact that I was in no way prepared to have a boy child. Though I'm sure Mark has a whole store of these jokes he's been saving up waiting to share with his son one day.

    I don't get it though... it's not like women sit around and make countless jokes about the size of their boobs... I'm trying to think of anything even closely relatable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would bet that Mark knows at least 2 of the 4 jokes I laid out here. I'm just giving you a peek into the inner world of guys, rarely seen by the opposite gender. It's like I'm bringing womankind into a duck blind, to take an unobtrusive look at those with whom they mingle.

      Meanwhile, now you know why he will be extra vigilant in keeping the pervy boys away from your little princess. We know things about our own kind.

      Delete
  2. Ha! Funny post, although I had to finish the entire thing to be certain you weren't headed for the Dick I expected: Rick Insanetorum.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What, you don't always read every word of my posts?

      No, actually, I forgot all about Santorum, probably as a sign of the contempt I feel for the pious prick.

      Delete
  3. Ah yes! The dick jokes! Gotta love em!

    There is a guy in my town...true story...his name is Dick, last name Head! What kind of cruel parents would name their son Dick Head?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And even more importantly, why doesn’t he call himself Richard or Rick? Maybe he just likes being a Dick Head.

      Delete
  4. Maybe the same ones who call their best Buddy, "the Lob". Are they describing, promoting or just being afffectionate?
    But, Bluz knows, we all love the Lob.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing ambiguous about The Lob. It's not like he had a tennis game.

      Delete
  5. Not only are you guys proud of Mr. Johnson, you are also VERY protective! Rod let out a loud yelp a few nights ago, when Mulligan jumped on his crotch. I thought he was seriously hurt, and I asked him if he was. His response, "No, but I could have been!" Even the idea makes grown men cry out! Yes I know it hurts when someone kicks the twins, but do you really have to start crying before it even happens???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All it takes is a time or two of having our boys jostled and yes, we become very protective. So yes, we experience sympathy pains in advance. Just the thought of a direct ball-smack makes us curl up on the floor like a boiled shrimp.

      Delete
  6. I have two brothers (no sisters), and at my last job, I hung out with three guys, one of whom was my work husband. I've heard lots of funny, good stuff, but these gems have all been hidden from me!

    The closest I have come to anything member-related was in college when two of my guy friends would hit/pound the underside of the table in the dining hall any time a hot girl walked by (as in, schwing, in case that was not obvious). :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I remember that bit too. Not exactly subtle, was it?

      We don't often bring the ladies into the seamy underground of Dick Joke culture. In fact, I'm violating many of the Guy Bylaws just by talking about it here. But I want to do my part to further the inter-gender understanding.

      Delete

Comments are like 'crack' to a blogger... Please help me get my 'fix' by leaving a comment! And be sure to check back for my reply. Consider it the Afterparty!