Sunday, February 26, 2012

Still Dicking Around

When I wrote the previous post, my sole intention was to present this part to come.  As it so often happens with me, I start out needing only to put down a few paragraphs for context, to set up the meat of the post, but then I wrote until I didn’t have enough room for it all.

What I really wanted to do was to highlight a fistful of jokes that aren’t even mine.

In 1997, riding a crest of popularity for his ABC sitcom “The Drew Carey Show,” Drew Carey wrote a book called “Dirty Jokes and Beer.”

Among the personal stories and behind the scenes tidbits, Carey had a chapter called “101 Big Dick Jokes.”  I remember when I first saw it in a bookstore; I bought the book for that chapter alone.

In it, he described the genesis of the idea, based on the verbal jousting between he and his other comic friends.  They then took a long weekend to come up with their best collection. 

The thing that tickles me about stuff like this is the cumulative effect.  The more I would read, the more I’d giggle as they built on each other and before I’d know, I’d on the floor with the belly-laughs.  They’re kind of like Chuck Norris jokes, that way.

All I want to do here, like I did with the prior post, is list some of my favorites.  I guess I’d better keep the intro short this time.

Reminder: These jokes are not mine.  They all came from “Dirty Jokes and Beer,” Hyperion, 1997.  If you notice one day in the future that this post is gone, it’s because Hyperion was unimpressed with my disclaimer.  And now…

  • My dick is so big I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.

  • My dick has better credit than I do.

  • My dick is so big, I went to the Viper Room and my dick got right in.  I had to stand there and argue with the doorman.

  • My dick is so big, there’s still snow on it in the summertime.

  • My dick is so big, it has investors.

  • My dick is so big, it seats six.

  • My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I climax.

  • My dick is so big, it was once overthrown by a military coup.  It’s now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.

  • My dick is so big, there was a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.

  • My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn’t want a bigger dick than he was on the team.  (Ha!)

  • My dick is the walrus.  Koo koo go joob.

  • My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn’t so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.

  • My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.

  • My dick is so big, it has an opening act.

  • My dick is so big, it has an intermission, where everyone can sit back and talk about how good the first half was.

  • My dick is so big, I can fuck an elevator shaft.

  • If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.

  • My dick is so big, Trump owns it.

  • My dick is so big, it has its own dick.  And even my dick’s dick is bigger than your dick.

  • My dick is so big it has an elbow.

  • My dick is so big, it only tips in hundreds.

  • My dick is so big, that right now it’s in the other room fixing us drinks.

  • My dick is so big, there’s a sneaker named “Air My Dick.”

  • My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.

  • My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it.  (Addendum: Actually, two sandwiches.)

  • My dick is so big, it’s against the law to fuck me without protective headgear.

  • My dick is so big, when it’s Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it’s Central Mountain Time at my balls.

  • My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.

  • My dick is so big, it has an agent.  My dick’s people will call your people.  Let’s have lunch with my dick.
 That’s all folks.

Like Jessica says, I can’t imagine that women would ever sit around and make up jokes about their boob size.  I guess it’s just part of our manly charm.


9 comments:

  1. PENIS DOG!

    (Claire just asked me what kind of dog that is. I guess I should come up with a better name for it, huh?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought it might be a Jack Russell, although "Jack Johnson" might be closer.

      Delete
    2. The text of the email I got the picture from said the owner named the dog Dick. I probably would have named it Johnson. Or possible John Thomas. Although if it was a weiner dog, I'd have named it Schlong.

      Delete
  2. "My dick is so big, it has an intermission, where everyone can sit back and talk about how good the first half was."

    L. O. Led.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My favorites are:
      Democratic Republic of My Dick
      My dick's dick
      Air My Dick
      and Small, Medium, Large, and My Dick.

      Delete
  3. Favorite: "My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it."

    Also, I would like that dog, please.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I loved that one too… the “Thinking Man’s Dick Joke.”

      Delete
  4. My boobs are so big, ...." Sigh. I've got nothing. Can't decide if I'm so glad I'm not a guy, or disappointed I'm not a D-cup woman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think our culture over-rates big boobs. I've dated girls that varied from A-cups to D-cups... After all is said and done, they're just tits.

      Delete

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