Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Weens World! Weens World!

Party time, excellent…

We interrupt the stream of personal and family-oriented stuff I’ve been running lately to talk about some of the political whatnot this week.

Tough week for Weiners, don’t you think?  I haven’t seen the doors come off like that since the end of The Blues Brothers movie.
           
Like a lot of liberals, I liked Anthony Weiner.  He was quick, funny, and hit hard on issues I believe in.  I just wonder how he could have been so monumentally stupid.  Do these politicians never learn?  I mean, the roadside is littered with the corpses of politicians that thought no one would ever find out.

I mean, I can kind of see what happened… Here’s a guy that was probably a nebbishy kid and not very popular with the ladies.  Now he’s got some power and stature and wants to stroke his ego (and other things) a little.  (Remember that President, a few terms back?)

When the story started breaking, I was so hoping that it was just another dirty trick by some right-wing blogger out there.  But once I saw his press conference?  Sheesh.  Most unbelievable denial of all time.

Just once I’d like one of these guys to just come out and go, “Yeah, it was my dick and it’s none of your freakin’ business.  What, do you think I fold up after the session lets out and get put away under my desk?  The Ween’s got needs.  No one works on the People’s Business 24/7, and those that say they do are lying.  You got something to say about my legislative work, bring it on, otherwise, you’re cordially invited to go fuck yourself.  Peace…”

But then, there’s a wife involved in it too.  Ugh.  That amps up the damage.  Gonna be on garbage detail for a while.  He’d better go shopping for one of those big-ass Kobe Bryant “I’m Sorry” diamonds.

Of course, the Republicans are all over it with their mock indignation.  I’m sure they’re just relieved that it’s not one of them this time.  The head of the Republican National Party called for Weiner’s resignation yesterday.  Funny how I never heard any such calls for Sen. John Ensign.  So if I read that correctly, sending a pic of your underwear-wrapped peen is worse than having an affair by banging your chief of staff’s wife and then paying hush money to buy his silence.  Ensign didn’t resign; he rode out the end of his (6-year) senatorial term.

But that’s commerce… goods bought and sold… money changing hands.  No wonder the Republicans didn’t find any outrage over that.

One part of me thinks that he shouldn’t resign.  For one, he didn’t commit a crime.  As far as I know, it’s still legal to send a picture of your swaddled love monster to another consenting adult.  It doesn’t make you a bad legislator; it makes you a bad husband.  And personally I don’t give a shit what our congressmen do in their spare time, with other consenting adults.  I’m just glad when they’re screwing someone that wants it, for a change.  And if his wife wants to throw his ass out into the street and file papers, do it!  Take him to the freakin’ cleaners.  Just make sure he’s back on the job when it’s time to vote on the next big bill.  I think he should have to submit to a lecture from Maryland’s own, Senator Barbara Mikulski.
Senator Barb will give him the old what-for.

I think it’s a mistake to expect every lawmaker to be perfect.  They’re not and we’re not.  We shouldn’t be surprised when these guys do something stupid. 

Oh yeah, there’s the other point.  Why would I want someone to stay in office that is stupid enough to pull that shit and think he won’t get caught?  And then lie about it?  The truth always comes out.  The media makes sure of it.

And by the way, that’s some “liberal media,” right?  Just passing right by the story to protect their liberal icon.

NOT.

This is just one more chunk taken out of the right’s Liberal Media whining.  Listen, it’s the media’s job to play an adversarial role to government, no matter who is in charge.  I don’t see Weiner getting any breaks, just like I didn’t see John Edwards getting any breaks or Clinton getting any breaks.  The media forces out the truth, period.  I think it’s just that when they do it to the Right, they can’t handle scrutiny of their crooked ways, so they have to blame the messenger.  The only way to counter the damaging facts that get uncovered is to claim bias.  And sadly, it works.

When Fox “News” crows about being “fair and balanced,” it’s nothing but window dressing.  When you prop up everything one side does and excoriate everything the other side does, even when the side you’re raking is doing the same shit that “your side” has done, that’s not being a journalist, that’s being a shill.

And speaking of the Unpaid Arm of the Republican National Committee, aka Fox “News,” I had one very important issue about them answered for me this week.  You know how they’re always running some kind of inflammatory graphic and then claim it’s a mistake?  Like when they “accidentally” caption a picture of Obama, “President Osama?”  They say it was a simple mistake.  And then it happens again, and it was another mistake.  And the mistake is always to the detriment of the Democrat.

I always wondered if that was malice or incompetence and this week we got the answer.

Fox “News” did a piece on (their own special correspondent) Sarah Palin and used a picture of Tina Fey, impersonating Palin.  So I guess the answer is “incompetence.”

But after this incident, they sent an internal memo around threatening disciplinary action against anyone that screws up like that again.  (It’s in the article linked above.)

Right.  Nooooooow, it’s a serious matter, when it’s their own golden calf that they’ve slaughtered.  Come to think of it, I think they’re malicious AND incompetent.

Speaking of Caribou Barbie, you may have heard she gave a less than stellar history lesson last week in mis-describing the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.  You know… the tale that every kid learns in grade school?

I’m not going to get into all the details of that story, but there was one episode that I found indicative of the typical Republican manipulation.  First of all, rather than just say she misspoke, like a normal person does when she’s totally and obviously wrong, she trotted out this half-baked parsing of words about how since the Americans were still British subjects, he really was warning the British.  And to make matters worse, her lackeys logged into Wikipedia and began changing the entry regarding Paul Revere, in order to make her version less, well... wrong.  Fortunately for those that like our history to be recorded the way it actually happened, these changes are being deleted as soon as they’re posted.  Long live Academia.

She also claims it was a “gotcha” question.  You know, I expect “gotcha” questions to be more like, “Who is the foreign minister of Whogivesafukistan?”  Palin obviously has another standard.  If “What newspapers do you read?” is a “gotcha” question, I’m sure that Fox “News” won’t ask her anything harder than the questions the knights had to answer before crossing the Bridge of Doom in Holy Grail.

What is your name?

Sarah.

What is your favorite color?

Red, doncha know!

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Hey, that’s a “gotcha” question… SPROIIIIIIIING!

Now that’s an interview I’d like to see…

Anyway, back to Anthony Weiner being stupid.  It’s not just that he’s sending pictures of his deli-rye across the internet to someone other than the Missus.  What I want to know is that in the entire history of pictures, has a girl ever been won over by a picture of some guy’s meat whistle?  I mean, the dude was a pretty glib guy… he should have made that work for him.  Why leave your cheese hanging out in the digital wind?  I’m almost 50 and I’ve never felt the need to snap a pic of Bluz Junior and send it anywhere.  And I’ve even been asked! 

I think this is one place where we take a page out of the Teabagger’s Handbook and make all of our politicians take a pledge: The No Peen Pledge.

Do you, Senator Horndog, vow to keep your peen under wraps?

I do.

And do you swear that you will never photograph said ‘peen’ for any purposes other than perp identification?

I do.

And do you swear that you will adopt a life of monogamy for the duration of your term, or death (by natural causes) of Mrs. Horndog, whichever comes first?

I do.

Do you agree that you may wave the flag, wave to the crowd, wave your rights, catch a wave, enjoy the amber waves of grain, but you will NOT wave your willy?

I do.

And if you should break any of these commitments, you accept that Mrs. Horndog will be allowed to administer the Bobbett Solution?

Ummmmm…

SPROIIIIIIIING!

Just in case you’re wondering, there will be no such reciprocal pledge for our women of Congress, who thus far have been able to refrain from flashing their hooters from the Capitol steps.  Not sure what will happen if they elect a Congresswoman from Louisiana though.  No beads on that campaign trail, I tell ya…

28 comments:

  1. Director’s DVD Commentary: Honestly, this was going to be another short one. But sometimes, the shit just keeps coming and I can’t turn it off. My apologies.

    I joke about Senator Mikulski, but she’s no joke. She’s tough as nails and doesn’t take any shit off anyone. They just give her a little box to stand on behind the podium, then she takes no prisoners. I’ll vote for her until she drops dead, and then vote one more time.

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  2. Oh my god! I just read the best post ever! I'm kind of depressed it's over! I could have read on and on and on! You were on a roll with this one Bluz! I'm sharing this right now!!!!.......

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  3. I'm not kidding, I'm jealous it wasn't me who wrote this! Well done man!!

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  4. Virgil(s),
    Thanks, man. What can I say, I was inspired by your post on the Ween-Man the other day. With me, sometimes things have to stack up until they finally blow out...

    And I appreciate any help I can get with added readership!

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  5. Tony, my friend, this was pure gold. So much good stuff here. Though, apparently the recipient of the Weiner tweet was not a willing one. She was a college girl who was just one of his followers and this has now really screwed with her life in a major way. Weiner did include her in his on-air apology, but I'm not sure that helped much. I liked Bill Maher's take on it: If you're asked if you tweeted your penis and you don't respond with an resounding "no," you tweeted your penis. So we both agree. He should have just come clean instead of panicking. Yep. I say lock him in a room with Babs there. That should cure his pervy urges and get him the needed sympathy to keep his gig.

    And the "gotcha" question Sarah was referring to was "What will you take away from your visit here?" Seriously...

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  6. This was awesome. I like the Holy Grail question part and the Wayne's World reference - nice. It IS interesting that no women have been (caught) doing this stuff. Are they just smarter about it? Or is a ratios thing - we don't have enough women in power to have a statistical comparison?

    Stephen Colbert's show about Palin's goof was hilarious, and watching Rachel Maddow's show right now, where she is so hitting the Republicans over the head for giving their guys a pass (for prostitution and boinking an employee and paying people off and giving jobs (hee hee) in order to cover it up) and then DEMANDING that Weiner resign for being an idiot and tweeting dirty (sort of) pictures. The hypocrisy is nuts. Nice summary of the ridiculousness of all this, Bluz!

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  7. Jayne,
    Sorry, I thought he was trading Tweets with some chick that was into it and it just seemed like the thing to do. My bad. Irretrievably stupid either way.

    Maher was right. I saw that too. When people dance around what should be a simple question, something is getting hidden.

    To Sarah, a gotcha question is anything that makes her look bad.

    Sarah's mind: I answered a question that made me look bad. But I'm brilliant, so it must have been one of those darned gotcha questions from the Lamestream Media.

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  8. Cristy,
    The Right knows their audience will only believe and remember what they want to, so they know they're safe from any critical thinking. And anyone that says otherwise is just part of the "liberal media". At this point, the "Liberal Media" consists of anyone that reports on any fact or issue that may be detrimental to conservatives.

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  9. I was not shocked by it actually, I mean he is a politician. It is in their job description to lie.

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  10. Trash,
    You'd think that every once in a while, one would tell the truth, even if only to get his ass out of trouble... well... somewhat less trouble.

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  11. Brilliant post! I was astounded by the amount of names you could come up for Weiner's weiner, but I was definitely more impressed with the article as a whole. Loved the Monty Python reference!

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  12. See, what gets me are the wives - specifically, their reactions or, should I say, lack thereof. Why do they all end up standing by their men? I love The Guy more than any human being on this planet, and he feels the same way about me, but I promise you, if either of us cheated on the other, the neighbors would have ringside seats to the fight and the closet clean-out of the century. And that goes double if we lived in the White House.

    Then again, we're from Louisiana. We come from a long, noble lineage of domestic disputes carried out barefoot in the front yard.

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  13. More Weapons of Mass Distraction. I wonder what truly significant events are happening. Will we be informed?
    O By the way...the ozone layer has disappeared. We will soon be up to our asses in frogs...

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  14. I cannot stop laughing! And you know what that means, Bluz.

    You know, they have been dropping like flies in the last several years, and you'd think that at some point it would have occurred to Weiner that he just might be doing something insanely stupid and that he might get caught! But, noooooo! His other brain just would not let him stop. His peen gene was just too strong. If he had been just an average fellow with a boring desk job somewhere, a nice wife and sweet kids, would he have flaunted his stuff? Has he ever heard of the word "viral"? No pun intended there, but we see it happen every day. Twitter, Facebook, whatever--bad stuff can circle the globe in a matter of minutes!!

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  15. Weiner is the perfect name for comedians' anyway, but double weiner,ie, Weiner's weiner made comedy writing so easy and so much fun. Jon Stewart and John Oliver had a ball with it,(no pun intended)last night. Great blog Bluz

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  16. I'm with BG. That song "Stand by Your Man," is a load of shit.

    And why is it when I see Sarah Palin, I automatically hear the flying monkey theme from The Wizard of Oz?

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  17. Oh...and this is for you:

    http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/388583/june-06-2011/paul-revere-s-famous-ride?xrs=share_fb

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  18. I have to say, I am amazed by all your awesome names for the ween. That was hilarious.

    And don't worry, our female senator can keep her boobs in place, but we still have trouble with the men. Vitter was one of those who got caught cheating and doing all kinds of misogynistic crap, but Louisiana folks voted him back in because he's a Republican. Ugh.

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  19. Reverend,
    Thank Rev. I live to drop Monty Python references. Ni!

    And what, they don’t have euphemisms for peen in Utah? There must be thousands of them… Perhaps I can make a new post out of nothing but alternate terms for the “Throbbing Python of Love.” (a Robin Williams term) Maybe I can fold it into another post I’ve been planning, cherry-picking a chapter in the old Drew Carey book “Dirty Jokes and Beer,” called “101 Big Dick Jokes.”

    Mrs. Bachelor Girl,
    That’s quite the mental image… the ritualize Throwing of His Clothes Into the Swamp. Bonus points if you can hit an alligator.

    The White House? That makes me laugh because I KNOW that our President knows he can never cheat. Michelle would have all his shit out on the front lawn, guaranteed, nuclear “football” and all.

    Mary Ann,
    We will never be fully informed as long as the media continues to give us what we demand… only the newest and most salacious tidbits designed to titillate or horrify. As long as actual facts are dismissed whenever they are inconvenient (or expensive) to those in power, they will forever be dismissed as biased or irrelevant.

    Judie,
    Clean-up! Tucson AZ…

    I just don’t see how an otherwise intelligent person can think that something like illicit peen pix will not be made public, eventually. How can he not see that it’s out of his hands? And apparently, there were conservative operatives basically stalking his Twitter account and tweeting about it every time some young honey “followed” him. Plus there was evidence that he knew about it. And still, with the pictures??? Unbelievable.

    Dad,
    Yeah, I saw the Daily Show last night, figuring it was going to be pretty good. Felt kind of bad for Jon Stewart having to skewer his friend… even shedding blood over the matter…

    Cassie,
    I agree with tossing the Stand By Your Man act, for the most part. But the thing is, we know nothing about the state of their marriage… or anyone’s marriage from this rogue’s gallery of fallen politicians. For all we know, the wife could be a ball-busting shrew, making the guy’s life a living hell, from which he finds occasional respite by sending pictures of his junk across the country.

    Now I’m not saying it’s one way or another; just that we don’t know, and in America, we like our characters in a well-defined black and white. Heroes and Villains. Cut and Dried. Pool or Pond.

    Wait, where was I?

    Oh yeah. I know what it’s like to have everyone around you think your spouse is the coolest and greatest, but know that behind closed doors, the monster comes out and it takes no prisoners.

    Jessica,
    I got them at Euphemisms R Us.

    I can see how Vitter got a pass on going to whores, from the good people of Louisiana. They probably figured he was just seeking is own kind.

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  20. Clearly you've watched too much 24...I mean Sherry was a psychobitch.

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  21. Cassie,
    Nope, just going off of personal experience.

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  22. Great and cogent rant, bluz. These guys just never learn. Power is an aphrodesiac I guess. I don't know one woman who gets hot ovdr such pics. Idiots!

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  23. Man, I'm gonna use that image of Senator Barb next time things are going a little too quickly in bed.

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  24. Cher,
    The more I’m reading about this guy, the more he seems like a tool. Not that I don’t expect anyone subjected to this level of scrutiny to look like a tool… everyone’s done shit they’re not proud of, but TheWeen seems to have been ODing on the power trip.

    Funny how men are so much more impressed with their own dicks than anyone else is.

    Beer,
    That’s one sure-fire way to make sure that Mr. Ween is not posing for any illicit pictures.

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  25. Oh they have many names for the Peen here in good ol' Utah, but most people just say 'junk'. Damn polite Mormons.

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  26. Rev,
    Then I deplore their lack of creativity! Or at least the overabundance of decency.

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  27. It's so much more easier and fun-filled when someone like Sarah proves herself (once again) an idiot.

    When a presumably good guy does it? Sigh.

    If we could only super-glue these guys' pants zippers shut, we'd be in good shape. I could live with a congressman whose biggest fault is wetting himself.

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  28. Sherry,
    I think every political wife should sit her husband down and tell him that if he EVER tries something like that, she will NOT "Stand By Her Man," she will stand behind her man and kick his cheating ass all over Washington. Then put all his shit out on the lawn. Then call a CNN camera crew. Then book time on The View. Then hire a DC shark to take every penny he ever stole, I mean earn.

    Think that ought to do it? Maybe I should open up an agency for DC wives, specializing in How to Fuck your Husband After He's Fucked Someone Else.

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