Thursday, March 22, 2012

Search for Reality - The Spring Edition

First off, I’d like to thank everyone that participated in the Great “Argument” Argument of 2012.  I knew I could count on you to come across with the spirit, wisdom and insight.  Now I’m off to not touch that subject again with a ten-foot pole.

I’ve again been collecting the weird searches that have landed people here and I figured I’d trot a few of them out for your amusement.  And in light of the previous post, I must appear sexist to the search engines too.  I still think it’s a bad rap.

But first I’ll go with just the strange ones.

“Vandalism of Darwinfish” – Arlington VA.  Wow… someone else has this problem?  I got the Darwinfish on my car ripped in half last year in a WalMart parking lot.  Either someone else had that happen too, or someone is looking to enter the field of heathen car-emblem destruction.

“Did all the drunks make it home on St Patty’s Day” – Manteca, CA.  This has to be a “thing”… who could possibly ever answer that question?  As far as I know, there is no National Drunk Retrieval Toteboard, from which to tally the safe return of holiday drunks.

“Terrorists throwing horseshoes” – Baton Rouge LA.  This person landed on an old post that showed a picture of some Texans pitching horseshoe-shaped toilet seats, but they’re not necessarily terrorists.  I just wonder if the person was searching for the recreational habits of terrorists, or looking for a good way to weaponize a horseshoe.

“God is a dumbass” – Czech Republic.  And this was an Image Search, too (like most of the searches I’m listing today).  But I’m not touching this one… I may have issues with formal religion but I never referred to the Big Guy as a dumbass.  This is what I get for using Red Forman quotes.

“Which direction to put in a tampon” – Thousand Oaks, CA.  Now we’re leading up to the sexist stuff.  Believe it or not, I see this search a lot, but I have no idea why.  I wonder how they mean it… like, do you have to keep the tampon facing north?  Do they not know which end is the front of the tampon?  Are they wondering if they’re supposed to come straight in the front door, or use the reach-around?  No idea… But how anyone could land here on that search is way beyond me.  There must be dozens of legitimate health sites that could be of use, but here?  The Google works in mysterious ways. 

“Junior high school whore” – North Las Vegas, NV.  I think someone didn’t get a date to the prom.  I wonder if they were looking for someone in particular.  This reminds me of the old joke…

Q: What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut sleeps with everyone; a bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

Come on, that’s not sexist… it’s making fun of men’s insecurity-ridden thought processes.

Now we come to a cluster of “ass” searches:
“Big ass woman” – Black Mountanin NC
“Hermione ass” – Wichita KS and also the UK
“Hot mom’s ass” – Romeo MI
“Smokin hot ass” – Vero Beach FL.

All of these were Image Searches, but to my knowledge, I’ve never posted a single picture of a hot ass, other than maybe a donkey.  I may have USED the expression a number of times, but mostly it’s as an adjective, like, “I went to Pittsburgh and ordered this big-assed fish sandwich.

I get a LOT of searches regarding Hermione (from Harry Potter.)  I don’t recall ever writing anything about her bum though, small and cute as it may be.  (I think… not sure I’ve ever had a good look.  Darned robes…) But all the Hermione searches (plus searches for the picture of the Twilight Moms) have put a post from last November in my #1 slot of Most Popular Dfish Post from the last 30 days.  You can see the top 5 referenced on the right-hand side bar.  And to think, all I did was write that Hermione (Emma Watson) is smokin’ hot.

Director’s DVD Commentary: The previous #1 has been there since I installed the widget; my post on Delayed Pressure Urticaria (or contact hives).  In that case, I feel most gratified that so many people from around the world have landed here to read about this malady (because it’s probably affecting them).  If they were like me at all, they felt like they were the only ones in the world with this weird-ass condition.

Great, now I’ve done it.  Bring on the searches for “weird asses.”

“Budweiser frog tittites” – Hudson FL.  “Tittites?”  What are those, pointy boob-like things that hang down from the top of a cave?  Or are “Tittites” the followers of some new sexist religion?  And what in the hell do they have to do with the Budweiser Frogs?  This one is just so strange… (and I’ve actually seen it twice… same spelling and all.  It had to have been the same person.) 

And now for the grand finale…

“Poon sammich” – San Francisco CA.  This could be my new punk band name.  First of all, as seen in prior posts, you know how much I love the term, “poon.”  It just sounds so cute and friendly.  So not only does the idea of a ‘poon sandwich’ crack me up, they actually spelled it as “sammich,” which makes it all the more colloquial, like the bread is a resting place for working-class poon.  Poon of the People! 

You know how they have those Twitter memes, like #ReplaceSongTitlesWithPizza and the like?  They should do one for poon.  Like #ReplaceWordsWithPoon.  I’m all in.

Poon River.
Poon Over Miami.
Fly Me to the Poon.
Name that Poon.
Daniel Poone and his poonskin cap.  (ew)
High Poon.
Sci-Fi epic “Pune”.
Benny and Poon
Winnie the Poon.
Pepe Le Poon
Driving a Poonbuggy on the beach
James Bond classic Poonraker (I think that was a porno.)
The Poonies (I know that was a porno.)
The scourge of modern pop radio: Auto-Poon.
The age of Aquarius, where the Poon is in the seventh house…

I wonder how many “poon” searches I’m going to land now…

22 comments:

  1. You just reminded me of what a scary place the Internet is.

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    1. Yeah, apparently it’s a place where people might be walking around with a tampon sticking out of their ear.

      Delete
  2. My mom may not have prepared me well for some things, but dude, at least I didn't have to look to the Internet to figure out how to use a tampon.

    (Although I probably would have if the Internet had existed back then.)

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    Replies
    1. I know, right? It’s like having to look up how to put on a condom.

      Delete
  3. 1) Sounds like someone is looking to claim ownership for his darwinfish vandalism and all of the glory that goes along with that.

    2) I love how aaaaaaaall of your posts are now going to have to include explanations of why the things you're saying aren't sexist.

    3) Haha, poonskin cap.

    (That's sexist.)

    (j/k)

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    Replies
    1. The only thing better than a running joke is running it into the ground.

      Delete
  4. Since I'm wearing my American Association of Retired Pirates shirt today, how about our secret weapon, HAAARRRRR-POON!

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    Replies
    1. Ooooh... Lil Mother comes across with the retiree's poon joke!

      Delete
  5. You betcha. And tonight, we're going to our literary group's
    25th anniversary party where the keynote speech is "By the Light of the Silvery..." POON!

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  6. Aren't all toilet seats "horseshoe shaped?" How do you find this stuff? I have no idea where anyone comes from and maybe I'm better off that way. I just assume they're all Googling: "Bright, beautiful, classy redhead."

    No?

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    Replies
    1. Unsurprisingly, that's exactly how I found you.

      Delete
  7. I enjoyed this very much. I laughed at the comment about making sure you're not perceived as a sexist. Everyone is a bit tentative after one of these flare-ups/lively debates. I enjoyed the post very much. The Internets is a scary place indeed. Love those Darwinfishes. The comments software has underlined "Darwinfishes" and doesn't recognize it as a word. Fail.

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    1. Right! You’d think for as long as I’ve been posting here, that Blogger would add Darwinfish to their dictionary. Harrumph!

      Delete
  8. Oh, random off-topic comment: just thought of another topic I'd love to hear you opine on -- employers asking prospective employees for their social media log in and passwords? WTF? You know I love egging you on.

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    1. YES, PLEASE. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE attack that one.

      Oh, and Santorum. That'd be fun, too.

      Just please make sure your head doesn't explode.

      Delete
    2. Oh Santorum would be joyous. I concur with Cassie!

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    3. I don’t think that’s right at all. I would have a major problem with a prospective (or current) employer asking for that kind of information. And why would they need my password? You don’t need a password to do an online checkup.

      I would reluctantly “friend” them on Facebook, only because I keep that pretty even keeled. But I wouldn’t even mention Twitter or the fact that I wrote a blog.

      Cassie and Deb,
      My head exploding is a definite risk when I talk about Santorum. He just does not compute with me, in this day and age. The age that his BS computes is the 1500’s.

      At the moment, I’m enjoying that he’s extending the Republican fight. The longer they fight amongst themselves, the better for the Democrats. Now if he wins the nomination, or ends up on the ticket as VP or something, that’s when I’m likely to bring out the heavy artillery. The guy is just scary-dangerous to anyone that’s not a religious dogmatic.

      In the meantime, the both of you should write about him. After all, he was your Senator. You should have more inside info on his history than I.

      Delete
    4. For a quick fix on Santorum bashing, check out today's post from AskCherlock:
      http://askcherlock.com/2012/03/the-reverend-santorums-truth-impairment/

      Delete
  9. You know, there is so much ass on the Internet, it really is a wonder google keeps directing them here.

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    1. That's my point! Google is supposed to have this incredible algorithm for searches, yet they still direct the ass searches here. I'm sure that if their stock drops, that'll be why.

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  10. In all the time I've read your blog, I can't remember you once mentioning the word "tampon." Did I miss something? And if so, please remind me, because I'm sure it was a gem.

    The line of the day? "Now I’m off to not touch that subject again with a ten-foot pole."

    Still laughing.

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    Replies
    1. There was one time that I mentioned it… it was in response to a That’s Church post about some women that were selling hand-woven, reusable tampons and included some in Steelers colors. I made a comment on that post that she then featured in her next post, so I wrote about it here.

      I said, “That brings a whole new meaning to Pittsburgh fans saying that they bleed black and gold.”

      Side note: there was a search last night that said: “What to do if you have a tampon stuck in you.”

      Delete

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