Steelers Recap - Week 5

OK, so I don’t have to burn my K-Mart Steelers gear. Our boys pulled out a wobbly 28-20 win over the Lions. I shall keep this ensemble in mind for the next Jilly’s game; probably November 23 at. Kansas City.

Here are some of the observations I made from my booth at Jilly’s. Yes, I said booth. The barstools were all filled up. I’m more bar-man than booth dude. (The latter of which sounds like someone saying my name after getting hit in the mouth.)

* I can’t believe Tomlin let Limas Sweed back on the field already. And how does “Plaxico-Part 2” repay his coach? By dropping a pass on 3rd down. Back to the bench with you, One-Four!

* James Harrison looked good on that first sack. I put in my notes: “92 is going to have a big game.” I wasn’t wrong. He was a one-man wrecking crew, ending up with 3 sacks and a force fumble. He was also pressuring when Culpepper committed an intentional grounding penalty. Have you ever noticed how Harrison looks when he has a free run at a quarterback? He runs with this barely controlled hysteria, like those zombies ran in “28 Days Later.”

* I bit the under-side of my tongue while eating chicken wings… hard. You could even hear the crunching sound. I hate when that happens. The wing sauce didn’t help.

* Seemed like every time we got something going, something else would go wrong. It wasn’t like the Lions were providing stiff defense… We seemed to pass and run at will. Rocket Rashard Mendenhall averaged over 5 yards per carry on the day. Offensive coordinator Arians should have used him a little more.

* I know people are complaining about all the throws in the 2nd half, but I’d still rather they keep the hammer down than slam into the line repeatedly. The Steelers are most effective when the mix run and pass. Too much of any one thing and trouble starts.
* Heath was on a rampage again. Did you see him storm in for a touchdown with that short pass. Then Hines did the same thing later. As I’ve said before, those 2 guys will kill themselves to get into the end zone. Hines sure didn’t look old turning that defender around on the reception, then pushing him back 5 yards on the run.

* Was extra fun watching the Ratbirds go down in flames today at the hands of the Bungles. The crying about the refs from the players and fans started almost immediately. Rat’s coach Harbaugh tried to snuff it out, and so has the sports media in the local paper. I will (grudgingly) give Harbaugh credit though… he seems to be a decent enough guy. Or maybe it just seems that way because he’s not this guy: All I gotta say is that the rules are the same for everyone. (Tom Brady excepted) If you don’t want the late hit and personal foul penalties, don’t hit anyone late or personally foul. You want to cry about how the refs have it in for you, maybe you shouldn’t be going around puffing out your chests and stomping around pretending to be the biggest, baddest defense, complain about the refs and throw their penalty flags in the stands. No shit they have it out for you. You asked for it, now go sign up for some Shut the Fuck Up therapy. Next!

* You want to make people nuts? Take notes at a bar. Everyone thinks you’re writing about them. A lifetime ago when I lived in Cleveland, after a long day’s work I’d retire to my favorite establishment for some wings and frosty beverages, and I would write in my journal. (journal = big yellow legal tablet… no such thing as laptops yet.) There was a TV up in the corner of the bar, way up high. So one day I was doing my thing… writing stuff down, looking up at the TV, writing stuff down, looking up at the TV.

Then this guy walks up and goes, “What are you doing? Did my wife send you?”

I was like, WTF?

He said, “I was standing over there, (points toward a spot under the TV) and you were looking at me, and writing stuff down, looking at me and writing stuff down…”

I calmed him down though, though it made me realize I’d be a lousy private eye. But I digress…

* I wrote in my notes in the 2nd quarter: “I don’t care how many fluke plays we give them… the Lions are overmatched. They can’t stop the run or pass. We’re going to win this.”

* Did anyone notice James Harrison do the Larry Foote stomp-out after his sack? I don’t know if the announcers mentioned it (the bar sound was on the Rats game) so I don’t know if they mentioned it. Later, Big Play Willie Gay did it too. As a tribute, I’m sure, to their former colleague now playing with the Lions.

* I was afraid the Lions were going to pull a Bengals maneuver and move the ball down the field and score with little time remaining. Happily, the Wizard Dick Lebeau dialed up a series of blitzes that sacked them 3 times in a row. Left them at 4th down and 34, at the 42 yard line. Ike batted the ball down to seal the game. Finally they remember how to play 4th quarter defense. Cue “victory” formation.

* Somehow, the Brownies managed to bumblefuck their way to a 6-3 victory over the Bills in Buffalo. I bet the Browns felt right at home there. After all, Buffalo is really just Cleveland, without the glitz.

* Note on a late game… And I thought the old Jets uniforms were hideous… did you see the old Broncos uniforms? Geez, they looked like flippin’ Oompa Loompas.
Their socks were striped vertically! I’m sorry, that’s just wrong. Call it a 15-yard penalty for offending the senses. Their legs looked like maroon and gold candy canes. I don’t know what kind of hashish fever dreams thought those up but I’m glad they’re gone.

I don’t have a graceful way to end this post either, so let me ask you this:

My crossword puzzle today had the following clue: Lyric to Disney song that precedes: “Darling it's better/down where it’s wetter.”

Is it wrong that I don’t have kids but I totally knew that was “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid? (and not dialog from some amateur porn?) Is it wrong that I have the song on my MP-3 player too? Gee, I hope not. I got “Kiss the Girl” on there too.

The Mojo Boogie - Week 5

Today’s game against the Lions appears opposite the Ratbirds game, so it will not be on TV locally. That means… Hello Jilly’s!

I think the Steelers have good mojo in Detroit as long as it’s not Thanksgiving. The last time they played there was the infamous Jerome Bettis Coin Flip Flap, where the Steelers lost in OT after the ref misheard the Bus’s call. (Or Jerome misspoke or changed his mind, depending on whom you believe.)

The prior time the Steelers played Detroit on Thanksgiving was in 1983. We lived in Toledo at the time, so my dad organized a roadtrip to the game, bringing along neighborhood friends and Pittsburgh relatives. Traditionally, we always went to see the Steelers play in Cleveland. At one time, Dad was buying like 30 tickets not only for ourselves, but also for all the kids in our area that we had converted into Steelers fans. That’s back when you could actually get that many tickets just by calling the Browns box office right after the schedule was announced. Tickets were only about $20 apiece, too. We’d stay at the airport Marriott, where the Steelers stayed themselves. It was a crazy time… one which I will write up during the week we play in Cleveland later this year. So many stories… so many beers. But I digress…

We caravanned all the way up to Detroit, ready to dominate us some Lions in a nice cozy dome, but instead we got our asses handed to us 45-3. It was kind of unnerving though, watching football in a dome. I guess if we’re not sitting there in sleet, snow, or freezing rain, it just doesn’t seem like football. (Which was all we ever saw in Cleveland, let me tell you.)

The one time we went up to Ford Field, well, suffice to say, the Lions weren’t involved. When the Steelers played in Super Bowl XL, it proved to be an opportunity that couldn’t be passed up. The location was drivable, so that eliminated airfare. We still had friends to stay with in Toledo, so that eliminated hotel fare. All we had to do was get the tickets, which is still quite a tall order. Luckily, my brother is The TicketMaster. He can find a way to get tickets to anything. This wasn’t going to be cheap though. But for me, it was an opportunity of a lifetime. I’d never see circumstances like this come up again so I had to go all in. My parents flew up from Florida, my brother and I drove in from Baltimore, another friend drove from Charlotte and we took one more old neighborhood friend and veteran of the Cleveland trips. Our little crew had the time of our lives, personally rooting home our boys in a real live Super Bowl.

I intend to write that full story when the playoffs draw near this year. (Wow, that’s 2 foreshadowings in one post!)

So, back to this week... I’ve decided to test out my new K-Mart plunder at Jilly’s by wearing a black polo with gold collar highlights and a black Steelers hat with gold highlights on the edges. No sense breaking out new gear on a big game. The Lions make a good starter test for new mojo. To add some continuity, I’ll wear my customary Steelers socks. But let me tell you, if we lose this one, that shirt and hat will not see the light of game-day ever again. I might even have to burn them.

I wonder if K-Mart’s return policy is lenient enough to include cash back for scorched apparel. I bet if I brought it back to the Pittsburgh K-Mart where I bought it and explained what happened, they’d be OK with it. In fact, they’d probably take the rest of the stock off the floor. It’s a ‘Burgh thing.

Peace Out

I woke up this morning to the surprising news that President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Naturally, I was stunned, but in a good way.

My immediate response was, “Already? This is like awarding the Best Picture Oscar immediately after a nice opening credits montage.”

From what I can gather, the prize was awarded for the sole reason that Obama is not George W. Bush. In other words, the President doesn’t confuse “hubris” with “humility”, even though they both start with “h”.

Today’s post is brought to you by the letter

I wonder if you get a trophy when you win the Nobel Peace Prize, like you do when you win the Super Bowl or Stanly Cup. There ought to be one that President Obama can keep on his desk, like producers and directors do when they win an Oscar. The trophy should be right there in the Oval Office, as if to say to all visitors, “Well what the hell have YOU done lately… Beeyoch?
“Wait until you see how big MINE’S gonna be!”

Predictably, the Republicans registered their disagreement about 15 seconds after the announcement was made. It won’t be too much longer before Fox News sends a band of tea-baggers to Norway, in protest. Although in all probability, they’re more likely to settle for making fake reservations on Norwegian Cruise Liners.

What cracks me up is how they keep claiming that Obama hasn’t accomplished anything yet, as if it was irrelevant to regain the respect of the world that his predecessor had so cavalierly pissed away.
In an official statement, the Republican National Committee said: "The real question Americans are asking is, 'What has President Obama actually accomplished?' It is unfortunate that the president's star power has outshined tireless advocates who have made real achievements working towards peace and human rights. One thing is certain -- President Obama won't be receiving any awards from Americans for job creation, fiscal responsibility or backing up rhetoric with concrete action."

What the RNC didn’t say, but could have, was that the President would have many more concrete actions at this point if it wasn’t for those very Republicans blocking every effort to accomplish…well… anything. You can’t hold the ball and clog up the works and then complain that nothing gets done. Not with any shred of decency, anyway. But that’s been missing from the Republicans for longer than they’ve been cheating on their wives with pages, teenagers, hookers, anonymous guys in airport restrooms, staff member’s wives and Argentinean soul mates.

Another Win for The ‘Burgh
Speaking of the Stanley Cup, another news story making the rounds this week has to do with the Sporting News naming Pittsburgh the Best Sports Town in America. I’m not going to go into all the reasons for said decision, but obviously I agree. But you should see all the comments that invariably follow these articles about it… all the complaints from people from Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Detroit and every place else that isn’t Pittsburgh. Ginny at That’s Church had a dynamite rebuttal to those clowns on Wednesday. (You can find yours truly lodging Comment #36) I guaran-damn-tee you that none of those whiners have ever actually been to Pittsburgh, or else they might have a clue how stupid they sound. Look, all I need is one stat… ahem…

It said in the Post Gazette today that for the first 4 weeks of the season, the Steelers games have averaged a 48 rating in Pittsburgh, and a 70 share. That means out of all households with a TV in Pittsburgh, 48% of them were tuned to the game. And of all households with a TV that was turned on, 70% were watching the game.

That’s incredible. No other market can smell those kinds of numbers. If you add that to the 2 straight years of Pens sell-outs, the 30-some odd years of Steelers sell-outs, the ubiquity of local sports apparel when you walk about town and all the other rampant sports mania, you get another number. Number One, baby.
Lastly, I received a link to this in an email from my dad and it just cracked me right the hell up. This is the reason that Pittsburgh is the Number One City, period… sports or not.

Road Trip Bluz Pt. 2 - Heinz Field Edition

One of the benefits of visiting Pittsburgh is having access to lots of fresh Steelers and Penguins gear that does not appear on the major NFL and NHL apparel sites. My aunt just so happens to live near the K-Mart in Moon Twp., so Sunday morning before the games began, I set sail for K-Mart to pillage and plunder some local swag.

I went through there like Rodney went through the Pro Shop in Caddyshack: “I’ll take one of those and two of these, gimme a box of those and some of these…” I got Christmas presents for 4 relatives taken care of, plus a plethora of stuff for ME. Gotta strike while the iron is hot, no? There was a lot of Steelers stuff, but not so much Pens stuff this time.

My favorite finds were the Steelers and Pens garden gnomes.

I always wanted those, even though I don’t even have a garden. Maybe I’ll let them stand watch over my computer desk. I’m also interested in testing their mojo qualities… perhaps posting the applicable one by the TV during the game. Call it my gnome field advantage…
The early game was great… we got to watch the Ratbirds lose in excruciating fashion to the Patriots, all the while feasting on copious amounts of pasta, meatballs, pork loin, grilled chicken, salad… No need for getting anything to eat at the stadium this evening. What a feast! But that’s the norm with my family. All we do when we get together is eat, drink and watch sports. And I’m OK with that!

Did you ever notice that you can’t win when you eat at an Italian household? If there’s any food left over, you didn’t like it. If nothing’s left over, they didn’t make enough.

In a side note, you should have heard all the crying in the Baltimore media about the officiating. Never fails… every single time the Ratbirds lose, everyone blames the refs. Or the team beat themselves. I’ve lived here 11 years… the Ratbirds have never been beaten. They’ve either beaten themselves, or the refs stole the game. No one has ever once admitted that their team just wasn’t good enough on that day. Whining maggots… but I digress.

My brother, my dad and I left for Heinz Field about 5:30, got down to the North Shore and began trolling for a place to park. We seemed to get caught in a loop where there was no place to go but the casino parking garage. After some debate, we decided to give it a shot. Once inside, we learned about the deals inside… if you signed up for a gambling card, they’d give you $10 in credit to play the slots. If you had a Steelers ticket in hand, that was good for another $10. You just had to put in some of your own money too and play a little bit. If you did, the parking was free. (It was $20 otherwise.) It sounded like a good deal to us. Only problem was the long line to apply for the cards. As we were about 2 hours early, we waited it out. As we waited, I really wished I hadn’t yet applied all my layers of mojo-laden clothing. It was getting a little toasty in there.

Eventually, we got hooked up with the cards and a sheet of instructions to get the credits loaded. We each sat down at a slots machine.

You know, each of us are relatively intelligent, college-educated fellows. You’d think at least one of us could figure how the hell to operate a freakin’ slot machine. Eventually a very nice Casino Lady came over and said, “Since I see you all standing here with anguished looks on your faces and mouths hanging open, I figured you were too stupid to follow those simple instructions in your hands, so I’m offering to help this new casino separate you from some of that hard-earned cash that you somehow managed to acquire.”

OK, what she really said was, “You all look confused, can I help you out with anything?” But I’m all about the subtext. I know what she really meant.

So she got my dad going on one of those machines with 5 wheels and a zillion possible bets. I asked her if she could get me going on one of those 3-wheel machines… you know, the ones with the training wheels.

She said, “Of course,” but what she really meant was, “Oh my God, didn’t you just watch what I did before? OK, come over here, if you can still walk upright that is, and sit down at this machine that both Dan Quayle and Sarah Palin could play when they were 4. If their principles permitted such a thing…”

So I got even with her secretly critical ass by hitting for about $65 right off the bat. Wow, gambling is easy! I fiddled around a little more until I expertly whittled my total down to $41 and cashed out. They sure make it easy to forget that you’re really flushing your money away.

The last time I played slots, (ages ago) you had to keep plugging quarters into the machines. It made you keenly aware that your money was rapidly disappearing. Now you just have credits on the machines and the temptation is to just keep pushing that button to watch the wheels spin.

“Maybe this time. Shit. Maybe this time. Shit. Maybe this time. Shit.”

Anyway, I decided to bail while I still had some beer money. Thank you, River's Edge Casino!

We went over to the stadium and still had over an hour before kickoff. We came in down by the scoreboard and saw the NBC announcers, Chris Collinsworth and Bob Costas, doing their thing under the TV lights.
Do you think Al Michaels knew he was about to get his ass felt up?

Our seats were in the upper deck, section 537, 14 rows up, about the 20 yard line towards the scoreboard. I always try to stop on the way up, to get some shots of the city. I just love the cityscape.

I just wish my little camera focused better under dim light.For a change, we actually had seats on the TV side, so when you watch the replays, the action is going the same way.
You know, you have to love how many people wear Steelers gear to the games... everyone, I think. I don't think I saw a single person that didn't have something on. And such variety! It was almost like snowflakes. No two people had the same stuff. Especially one guy that had Steelers camouflage pants, Steelers camouflage hat, and a Steelers camoflage jersey. In fact you couldn't even see him coming up the aisle... just a pair of disembodied eyeballs.

Now, on to the game. I didn’t take notes, so my impressions will be brief. Besides, it’s Wednesday now, and everyone knows what happened.

* It was good to see Ben come out sharp and the ground game working. Nothing like getting 7 on the opening drive.

* I know I said it before, but Heath Miller is money. Always open, always catches the ball. The big man owns the middle of the field.

* Welcome to the NFL, Rashard Mendenhall. Not that I think Willie wouldn’t have done well this night. The O-line was opening holes Fat Albert could have run through. But it was nice to see the kid run with some power and authority, and knock some people around.

* Unbelievable first half of football and a 21-0 lead. No complaints at all. Nice finally see a game that I don’t have to chew my fingernails to the nub. Plus, it’s a beautiful night for football. Slight chill in the air, little wind… Football weather!

* In the 3rd quarter, we come to my favorite moment of every Heinz Field game:

I shot this myself. I did one last year too, but I was in the upper deck of the opposite end zone, so the highlights were hard to see. I just love how everyone goes ape-shit over the video. It gets everyone so charged up that the poor Chargers really had no chance on that series.

* When Mewelde Moore threw that pass to Heath for the TD making it 35-14, we decided to call it a night. Normally, I love to stay to the bitter end, but having parked in a parking garage, we weren’t sure how bad it would be trying to get out. So we opted for the guaranteed clear shot out, given that this game was in the bag.

* By the time we got back through the casino, into the car and got the radio on, we learned that the Chargers had scored twice and it was now 35-28. WTF?? How the hell did THAT happen. Geez, I turn my back one time, and the toddler is knee deep in the toilet bowl. Remember how I said I was going to go and personally oversee this game to be sure things were done right? I guess I should have stuck to my word. As soon as I leave, all hell breaks loose.

* We paid very close attention to the radio as we drove home and were very happy to see that the Steelers came out and kept the hammer down. I hate when they go all conservative and run into the line 3 times and punt. This time, Ben kept attacking until they got into Skippy’s range. He knocked it through, thus guaranteeing himself a fresh supply of sluts for the night.

* James Harrison knows how to close things out. Actually, he came close to closing Phillip Rivers out, as he came barreling around the end to bury his helmet between Rivers’ shoulder blades and cause a fumble. Game over. Phew.

We pulled up to my aunt’s house just as the game ended. Inside, it was like, “well, they won’t be back for at least another hour. (blink) What the hell are you guys doing here?”

It’s nice to come home from the game and get to see all the highlights for the rest of the night. I am so jealous of Steeler fans still living in Pittsburgh. Until I have to drive somewhere, that is.

The next day, before hitting the road for our homes, we assembled for lunch at our favorite local place,

Segnari’s, in Coraopolis

. It’s not a trip home without a Segnari’s fish sandwich.

That’s another ‘Burgh thing. You order a fish sandwich in or around Pittsburgh, you get a huge hunk of fish hanging over the bun, plus at least another half a piece on top of that. Anywhere else; not so much. So that was the trip. Made it home uneventfully, avoided The Rocks and avoided the cops. In two weeks, I’m going back again for another wedding. This time, it’s a Sunday wedding and we’re seeing the Penguins on the preceding Saturday night. Let’s go Pens!

Road Trip Bluz

Big doings, this past weekend! Solo road trip to Pittsburgh! Whoo Hoo! Had a wedding Saturday night and the Steelers/Chargers game Sunday night.

The trip did not start off very well. I was about 20 miles away from home when I realized I left a bag… my briefcase bag, with the wedding card and check, my camera and some other stuff I needed to bring my parents.

It was a wonder I remembered at all. I was going along and was not very happy with the way my CD was playing… I’ll pick up the train of thought there…

“Well, I could always bail on the CD and put on my MP-3 player. Did I bring that? Yeah, it’s right in my bag, which is right here beside me on the AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!”

Remember the guy in The Godfather that wakes up with the horse head in his bed?
That was me going down I-70, only with more cursing.

I briefly considered not going back and just mailing the card after the fact, but I really wanted my camera. Because what’s the point of going anywhere if I can’t document it for my blog? So I turned back to get my bag, which cost me about 45 minutes in travel time. I drove pissed the rest of the way, probably averaging about 80 mph. But it’s a pretty easy drive from Baltimore; nothing but highway until Pittsburgh.

Now let me get this out there, right off the bat. I’m very nervous any time I’m driving in Pittsburgh. My family moved from the Burgh when I was 6, so I never grew up finding my way around there. And in visiting my relatives, I’ve generally just gone straight there and out again, rarely venturing through dahntahn. Any city built around a triangle is bound to give you navigational problems.

You know what it’s like there… you make one slip and you’re sailing down a ramp to someplace you don’t want to go, and start sounding like Rodney Dangerfield on the boat in Caddyshack, going, “Over there… I wanna go over there!”
I was heading to my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Moon Township and my goal was to come in the Parkway East through town, take the Ft Duquesne bridge, go up along the river and cross over at Sewickley. So as I was rolling in, I glanced at my Google Map directions and saw that I need to be on Rt. 51. Right as I was lined up to go over to the Ft. Duquesne Bridge, I saw a sign that said “Rt 51, left lane.”

I yanked the car back to the left and next thing I knew, I’m sailing down a ramp to someplace I don’t want to go, namely, the Ft. Pitt Bridge. It was then I realized that I don’t want to be on 51 until AFTER I go up Rt. 65 to Sewickley. Cue the second batch of screaming.

But all was not lost. I realized that if I just follow 51 I’d eventually wind up where I wanted to be. I’ve been on the route along 51 a number of times before, but never while driving. I knew I’d have to go through McKee’s Rocks and 51 had a couple of turns thrown in. Happily, I managed to pull it out and get to my destination.

The bonus was that I got to go in and say, “Yeah, I came through ‘The Rocks’… not on purpose, but still…”

They were still keeping some lunch for me when I got there. Unfortunately, I’d already eaten at Wendy’s on the way, knowing it would be a while before dinner would come at the wedding reception. Naturally, I turned down all offers of food from my Aunt.

So I’m sitting there eating lunch again and remembering how much I love cold cuts on fresh Italian bread, as well as just how hard it is to refuse food in an Italian family.

While re-eating, I got to hear a new story from my brother, about Sammy, his 4-year old. Seems he was on the phone with his wife and he heard her say, “Now Sam, quit playing around with the door.”

Then he clearly heard Sam proclaim, “Screw the door!”

Sam knew he was in for it because he immediately ran upstairs to hide under his bed.
This is Sam. I at least give him bonus points for correct usage, and extra credit for not using a particular synonym.

The wedding was very nice. I’m not going to go into a bunch of details or anything. Wedding stuff is only interesting to those involved. But just let me touch on a couple of random things that occurred to me during the night.
* They had a piano in the hallway outside the ballroom, where the pre-reception cocktail party was. I’m a major music geek, but sadly have absolutely no aptitude for playing music. It’s kind of like a secret code that I just can’t crack. I would so love to be That Guy that can stroll up to a piano anywhere and just start banging out something awesome. Or just sing bawdy saloon songs… whatever. If only to be like this guy…

That’s my other problem… I have no patience for scales and training stuff. I want to play like this right off the bat. It’s probably the same reason I’ve never learned to play my guitar. If I can’t sound like Stevie Ray, what’s the point?

* I haven’t been to very many swanky weddings, so I was wondering if this was common:
Chair condoms. Are those for practicing safe sitting?

* My family is predominantly Italian, but the mother of the groom is Lebanese and had a number of her relatives in attendance. Which is all fine and good until the ululation starts. Every time something good happens: “yahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyah!”

The bride and groom kiss: “yahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyah!”

A picture of one of the Lebanese relatives comes up on the slide show: “yahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyah!”

Server brings the entrée to the table: “yahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyahyah!”
They also had a big round of the Lebanese dancing. And I thought those disco remixes from the 80’s went long… Really though, I thought it was all pretty cool. But still I couldn’t help but wish for a little “Zooma Zooma baccala…”


* Whenever I go to a wedding, I can’t help but think back to mine. Yes, I was married once, back in the day. (cold chill runs up spine) The marriage may not have been all it was cracked up to be, but the reception was one of the best nights of my life. I had my best friends from home, my work friends and my family all together to eat, drink, dance and celebrate, and no one had to serve or clean up!

As a guy that spent his life working in the music business (up to that point) I had some very specific idea of the music I wanted played. There was to be no chicken dance, no hokey pokey, no other dance where you were given orders on what to do. (I did cave and allow the Electric Slide.)

There would be blues, however. There would be Stevie Ray, and Albert Collins, Lonnie Mack, Koko Taylor, Katie Webster and George Thorogood. There would be AC/DC, Bruce Springsteen, Louis Armstrong and Just a Gigolo.

I told the DJ, “This will be the easiest gig you’ll ever play. Here’s a tape for cocktail hour. Here’s another tape for dinner hour. (I had a mixing board at home and my hobby was making mix tapes, a skill I learned doing college radio.) Here are the songs I want. If you don’t have them, I do.”

The first DJs I talked to didn’t like that idea. “We’re the best judge of what we should play… you’re buying our experience,” they said.

“Next!” I said.

The second guy said, “You’re the boss!”

I said, “Done!”

I had a lot of songs that were meaningful to a number of different factions of our guest list and most were not your traditional wedding songs. But I knew how to play for a party and I knew my people. We had a grand time. And do you know how I knew it was a blast? After all the food was served and cleared, and the party was blowing full scale, I looked over by the kitchen door and saw 3 or 4 of the servers totally getting down and dancing.

Too bad it was all downhill from that night… But no regrets. Live and learn.

Coming tomorrow: Day 2 of the Bluz Road Trip… The Steelers/Chargers game!

Sneak preview: The mojo totally worked… Right up until we left with 7 minutes to go and a 21 point lead. Gah!

Odd Mojo Bits - Rapidly Aging Edition

I wanted to get a post in this week, plus my usual Mojo preview, but as I’m going to Pittsburgh this weekend for a wedding and to attend the Steelers game, I’m combining both into this one utilitarian posting

Today is my birthday and I’m sort of blasé about it. It’s kind of like watching the odometer on your car roll over to say, 48,000. Ho hum. Not like it’s 50,000 or anything…

They had a cake for me at work… a “rainbow cake”.
Not every day you get to have blue food and it’s that good. They had the cake for me, unfortunately, at the same time my mom always calls me… 1:30 pm, the time of my arrival. I was a very convenient baby… except to the doctor. Mom says they had to call him off the golf course and he delivered me in his golf spikes. Needless to say, the call came first. My cake-happy co-workers could wait…

I got a very timely birthday present from Ginny at That’s Church. She had a post earlier this week about a couple of ladies that crochet reusable tampons. Yes, really. And in that feature, there is a point about how they also do them in Steelers colors. So I commented, among other things, that they should have a “Marketing slogan: For those that bleed black and gold.” (Comment #16, if you care to look.)

I looked back later and found that a couple other commenters got a kick out of that, but then this morning Ginny posted the following as #7 in Random n’at:
I almost spit my water all over my monitor. Nice pub!

Then later, in the Baltimore Sun TV critic’s blog, Z on TV, I got some love from David Zurawik for my take on Fox News and the idea of the press keeping an administration honest:
Nice to get some love from the next commenter as well. I’m always amazed when anyone listens to what I have to say, especially when I’m apt to forget how to spell words like ‘journalism’. But it was a nice way to celebrate a birthday.

The Mojo Boogie – Week 4Just in case you’re wondering, I didn’t make up this phrase. “The Mojo Boogie” is a song by hot shot blues guitarist Johnny Winter. I just love the ring of it. See for yourself:

I always thought Johnny is one of the underrated guitarists. His best songs are similar… some brief unintelligible lyrics, a couple of yells, and a 4-bar solo. Now to the business at hand…

After the debacle that was the last two weeks, some changes are in order. So Monday morning, I took down all the championship material and photoshops from the prior football and hockey seasons from the outside of my cube. Remember what I said about celebrating championships into the next season? I should have listened to my own self. We’ll try this again.

My company has this thing where if you donate $20 to the cause du jour, you can wear jeans every Friday. Further, if you donate $25, you can also wear a game jersey. I had to think long and hard about that because there could be major mojo implications. I decided to go for the jerseys… Coming off a 2-game losing skid, it certainly can’t hurt. Plus, if we continue to lose, I can always switch to hockey jerseys.

So now it comes down to which ones to wear when. The last 2 games I went to at Heinz Field, I wore my black Polamalu authentic jersey and we won. (In fact, I’ve only seen the Steelers lose at Heinz Field once… the 2004 AFC Championship Game vs. the Patriots. (AKA: the 11 Goddamn Degrees at Kickoff Game. That was the coldest game I’ve ever been to, although I didn’t really get cold until the 4th quarter, when it became evident that there would be no more miracles that season.)

So if I wear the black Troy jersey to the game, I don’t want to also wear it on Friday. It’s a home game, so the white jerseys are out, so I believe I’ll go with my black Hines jersey. It’s an old Eric Green jersey that I had renamed ages ago, so it still has the old block numbers. I’ve seen a lot of wins in that one…lots of good mojo there.

As this is a night game and I’m laying all this out in advance, I’m going to bring an array of things to choose from as under-garments. Unless it’s brutally cold, I always try to put the game jersey over whatever else I’m wearing. So for the purpose of this exercise, I’m wearing the following: Black 43 authentic, over pull-over Steelers V-neck insulated windbreaker, over striped Steelers sweatshirt, over Steelers turtleneck, over Steelers T-shirt, with a Steelers ball cap and bling. Any or all of the sub-layers may be omitted depending on game-time conditions.
Let the festivities commence!

Steelers Recap - Week 3

In the immortal words of Myron Cope:

I can’t believe we lost to those clowns. The Steelers dominated every facet of the game for 3 quarters and then just fell the hell apart.

Lets go to my notes, so I can remember what I thought about the game. But first, a word from our sponsor:
Today, to get into that ‘Burgh mood, I’m enjoying some IC Lights in the Extra Special 2008 Championship Tribute Can! So special, in fact, that they don’t even have to mention the Steelers, football, the Super Bowl or Lombardi Trophy for us to know what it’s all about. I guess they were too cheap to acquire some of that Extra Special licensing from the NFL. Remember the days when the actual Steelers were on the Iron City cans?
Those were the days. Any time the Steelers so much as sneezed, Pittsburgh Brewing Co would have a commemorative can out. They used to be quite a find, back when I was collecting beer cans rather than emptying them.

OK, bring on the notes:

* Ben spent most of the game looking like he could do whatever he wanted with the ball, just zinging it all over the place.

* Rookie Mike Wallace channels William Wallace and finds freedom all over the secondary. Every time it was 3rd down, it was a strike to Wallace. The kid’s going to be a good one. With a little more oomph on the ball, Ben has a long TD to Wally, rather than a 51 yarder. If he doesn’t have to wait on the ball, he walks into the end zone. Good luck getting back on the field, Limas Sweed. (And I wrote this even before Sweed dropped that perfect pass in the end zone.)

* Fast Willie Parker shows up today, but only when he can run wide. There’s still not much for him there between the tackles. If it were me, I’d run him wide looking for cutbacks all day.

* The Big Snack closes the fridge all over Carson Palmer. That’s a guy I do not want falling on me.

* Keyaron Fox annihilates a guy on special teams. Dude is a wrecking ball coming down on the kickoff coverage.

* We’re only up 13-3 at the half. Steelers should be crushing them, given this kind of statistical domination. At least Skippy is back on track with 2 shorties.

* Can’t blame Ben on the INT. Even I could see that Santonio was supposed to read the blitz and come back on that ball. It’s a shame to spot these guys a quick 7.

* What the hell is up with Chad Ocho Flake-O? Shushing the home crowd after a catch? Am I missing something or is that just another WTF moment from Planet Spaceballs? He needs to learn the art of timing from Max Talbot.

* Congratulations to Hines for hitting 10,000 receiving yards. Good on ya, Mighty Mouse! Sure you committed 2 penalties for blocking those poor defenders too vigorously, but you always make it up to us.

* The only guy more “money” on 3rd down than Hines is Heath Miller. Heath delivers every time.

* Skippy misses from 52. Dude’s got all the leg in the world, but he just can’t put it through from 50+.
* Nice long drive for a TD, Ben! That’s how you come back from a Pick-6.

* Holy ghost of Sam Wyche! The Bungles execute a fake punt, but miss a 52-yard FG themselves.
Steelers go conservative and go 3 and out. You know, we don’t have the Bus any more to grind out yards. Maybe we should forget about 4th quarter Cowher-ball and keep attacking. It seems to me that they can still burn clock by getting a couple of first downs.

* The Steelers impervious defense is looking very pervious in the last couple 4th quarters. Bengals execute 2 long drives when all we need is a stop to win the game. Converting on 4th and 15 is just sickening. When the Bengals got the ball at the Steelers 40, I wrote in my notes, “I have a bad feeling about this.”
* Sadly, the Bengals left only 14 seconds for Ben to use The Force. Rashard Mendenhall pisses away most of it with a lot of dipsy doo on the kick return. Why not just get what you can then get down and give Ben a chance for 2 plays rather than a single 60 yard heave? (That comes up 10 yds short, even if complete.)

* Game over… the Clowns are running the circus.

Mojo Recap
Going to retire the white Steeler shorts for the season. May still use the Willie replica for home games, as it was victorious at home vs. the Titans, but it should be retired for away games.

Next week, I’ll be attending the Sunday night game in Pittsburgh against the Chargers, so I’ll have my first crack at in-person mojo. Looks like I’ll just have to go there myself to make sure everything gets done right… Who’s got Tomlin’s cell number?

The Mojo Boogie - Week 3

Today the Pittsburgh Steelers play the Bengals in Cincinnati at 4:15. This is a game we usually own. Big Ben has never lost in Cleveland or Cincinnati. The Bengals are coming off an impressive win over Green Bay last week. I say it’s impressive only because I had them picked to lose, after their dismal opening day performance against Denver.

My family and I used to always go to the Steelers games in Cleveland, stemming from when we used to live in Toledo. Then when the Browns left Cleveland, we began going to the games in Cincinnati instead. At first, the fans were pretty docile, as a long tradition of uninterrupted losing will do to a fan base. Then in 2005 when they got a sniff of respectability, they went completely off the scale.

My brother and I and some other friends went to that fateful playoff game in January of 2006… you know… the Carson Palmer/Kimo Van Olhoffen game.

We practically had to fight our way out of there that night. The whole walk to the parking lot we were getting screamed at by the riled up locals. I must have been called every name in the book… well, maybe not me personally, more the number 43 on my back. Now I know that a lot of visiting fans do a lot to bring grief on themselves with strutting and taunting, but seriously, we were just walking along minding our own business.

When we got to the car we tried to just linger for a bit and enjoy our victory cigars. But you know, a person can only turn the other cheek for so long before something gives. Guys from the orange colored, tiger-striped bus a couple slots down started screaming at us. My brother yelled back a bit and it looked like something may happen. But my brother has a wife and family, a good job and sterling reputation. He was not about to get into a parking lot brawl with a bunch of sore-loser Bengal fans. But then the ringleader started screaming at me about how Polamalu took the cheap shot at Palmer. Now everyone watching the game that had a pulse could see that Troy was nowhere near the backfield and it was the lineman, Kimo Von Olhoffen that rolled up on Palmer’s leg. So I yelled that back to him, more or less, and next thing you know, he comes charging over here.

Now you should see this guy… actually, you can… here’s a picture from earlier in the day:
This is one of those self-styled uber-fans that thinks he’s the living embodiment of The Bengals Fan. Note to dude: Real fans don’t wear feather boas.

Anyway, you’ve seen this kind of guy before… he thinks that since he’s all big, drunk and ugly, people will just back down from him. And normally, I probably would have. But I was just so pissed at his mis-attribution of the play I felt the need to set the record straight. Loudly. With colorful terminology.

So Big, Drunk and Ugly comes striding over to me, clearly expecting me to back away, but something made me just stand right there. I didn’t move an inch and he basically just came right up until his chest hit mine. So we stood there, toe to toe screaming at each other, like Earl Weaver arguing with an umpire, until my brother grabbed me by the back of my collar and yanked my ass out of there. We didn’t waste anymore time at the parking lot… it seemed to be a good time to get the hell out of Dodge.

Way to be classy, Cincinnati! As you can see, ever since that fleeting wiff of success, they haven’t done jack ever since. That’s a karmic smack down if ever I saw one. Thou shall win and lose with grace at all times. Or else thou shalt suck pond water.

(Then again, how do you explain the Patriots?)

Has anyone seen the Bengals on HBO’s Hard Knocks series? That’s where the team allows cameras to film everything that happens during training camp. They’ve previously done this with the Cowboys and the Ratbirds. They get such good footage that sometimes I wish they would do Hard Knocks with the Steelers. But that will never happen. The Rooneys would never allow that. They don’t need cheap promotion like that.

Which brings me to this cheap promotion:
Could you imagine, under any circumstances, the Steelers putting a goddamned advertisement on their jerseys? Training camp or not, that’s just an abomination. I’m surprised the NFL even allows it. What doesn’t surprise me is that it’s the Bengals that do it. Good old, Mike “Anything for a Buck” Brown. I guess this is to recoup the loss of revenue he missed out on by not selling the naming rights to his stadium. (Which is one thing I give him credit for. Heinz Field should be Art Rooney Sr. Stadium.)

Anyway, I have a suggestion for their next advertiser:
Douche bags…

Which brings us to today’s mojo… During Week 1, I watched the game at home and we won, so I’m not going to tamper with that success. I’m going with the Willie replica jersey over the gold Steelers Tee, with white Steelers shorts. I considered compensating for the game being an away game for the Steelers, but I’ve found that that is a secondary consideration, especially early in the season. Always try to prolong the streak. That’s a mojo staple.
I’ll be back later with thoughts on the game. Last week I ended up going 8-10 on picks, which was quite a comedown from Week 1's 16-2. Today I start 0-2 because I missed on both college games. (Thanks, Pitt and Miami! No sorority girls for you tonight.)

Game on!

Errand Boy

This is going to be one of those Seinfeld-type entries about pretty much nothing.

I was off today, with some errands to do. I still have a bit of a cold hanging on so the day off was timely. First stop was ye olde Hair Cuttery.

If being an old middle-aged bald guy has any advantages, it’s that getting a haircut takes about 10 minutes. I’ve waited longer for my order at Burger King. A young black girl cut my hair and as she was ringing my up at the counter, I noticed she had an unusual tattoo on her wrist:
Yeah… a blow dryer.

I’m wondering if this was some kind of beauty school bonding exercise. And if so, do other industries have similar rites? Do CPAs get together after passing their exam and get tattoos of a pile of beans? Do lawyers get reptile tattoos? What about doctors? Man, that’s another reason not to be a proctologist.

So, haircut accomplished, I set out for the main event of the day… Getting my driver’s license renewed at the Maryland MVA. I hate going through things like this; you just anticipate something going wrong or encountering some kind of runaround.

In actuality, it wasn’t that bad. I brought my Friday crossword puzzle and had it knocked out in about 20 minutes, just in time for them to call my number, B118. I suppressed the urge to holler BINGO. I imagine they’ve heard that before so many times that when someone does it now, they are struck down by a death-ray stare from one of the helpful clerks.

I was processed in about 5-6 minutes… honestly. They really have the drill down; I’ll give them kudos for that. So I walked out triumphantly, sparkling new hologrammy license in hand. The sun shone down brightly upon me as I exited the MVA lair and I realized I hadn’t eaten all day and as luck would have it, there was a Five Guys burger place in the plaza.

For those that are uninitiated, Five Guys is a primo burger joint that features giant 2-patty burgers, unlimited free toppings, boardwalk fries and free peanuts while you wait. If you saw the first time President Obama was on NBC (I think it was Dateline), when he got in the car with the Brian Williams and went to burger place to get lunch for himself and staff back at the White House, it was a Five Guys in DC.

Man, what a feast… hands down, the best fast-food burger going. It was so tall I could barely get my mouth around it. Sometimes I wish we were built with a snakelike, hinged jaw that folds all the way back, for just this kind of situation.

I say this was the best “fast-food” burger because I’ve had one better at a sit-down place in Pensacola Florida, called McGuires. This is their burger:

Hence the slogan on the side of the building: “Feasting, Imbibery, & Debauchery”, which happen to be three of my favorite things. Like I’ve said before, very few problems cannot be solved by eating a bacon cheeseburger the size of your head.

I don’t have a natural ending for this, so let me leave you with something I was wondering. Who named the anti-smoking drug “Chantix”? Chantix sounds like something the Gregorians sell for their concerts.

Badump bump. I’m here all weekend; try the cheeseburger.

Poisoning Pigeons in the Park

Have you ever noticed that getting sick makes your mind do weird things?

I left work early today because I have a cold coming on and I wanted to try and stomp it out hard in the early stages, plus I don’t want to spread it around. It’s not the H1N1, or as I call it, the Hiney Virus… just a cold… the same one I’ve gotten all of my life. Starts as a tickle in the back of the throat, then a sore throat, then it moves to the sinuses and causes the drip, drip, drip that keeps me up all night. Once I’m a sneezing, dripping mess, it goes to the chest and settles in so that I get to enjoy coughing up chunks of lung for a couple of days.

When I get a cold in my throat, my voice goes down a couple of octaves and I get my Barry White voice. This is when I want to do all my incoming voicemail messages.

“Hello, you’ve reached the bluuuuuuuuuuz duuuuude. I’m all laid up in my crib so leave a message! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, babeh.”

I don’t get sick very often, but when I do, I’m pretty much of a weenie about it. I’ve lived alone for a lot of my adult life and being sick is hard when there’s no one to see how miserable you are. I always thought there should be some kind of Rent-a-Mother service for when you’re sick. You should be able to call a number and they send a nice lady over to bring you some soup, make you some tea, pat your head and go “awwwwwwww, poor thing,” and then go away!

OK where was I going with this? Oh yeah, being sick does strange things to your mind.

When I got home, I tried to take a nap, but really, I’ve already been up, showered, dressed and worked half a day… it’s hard to just drop off. I probably should have scheduled a conference call to help out.

So I’m laying there whacked on cold medicine when my mind starts wandering and I started thinking about my blog.

“I wonder if there’s a way to embed a music file… never seen one done like that without using another service… They do it with movies on YouTube… why can’t they do it with a music file? Y’know, they have music files on YouTube sometimes… I wonder how they do that… Hey, there’s that Windows Movie Maker function on my PC… I bet I could import a music file… Yeah… and then I could download random on-topic pictures to go with it…”

There I was, trying to sleep, but instead attending PC and Internet Basics 101 about 5 years after everyone else in the blogging world. I felt like the cavemen in the beginning of 2001 - A Space Odassey.

So in a fit of trying to change the mental subject, my mind went from my blog to That’s Church and Ginny’s endless war on pigeons. She’s been taking a lot of guff from a group of pigeon lovers lately.
Then suddenly, my mind melded the two subjects… Ginny’s Pigeon War crossed with my potential music editing ability so I now had to get up and see if I could work something out using the Tom Lehrer song “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park”.

Y’know? I’ll be damned if I didn’t figure out how to put together a primitive yet competent little clip in honor of my blogging inspiration.


Note: No pigeons were hurt on account of this exercise, however I was not too proud to scavenge what was already out there. Much like the pigeons.
PS. If none of this makes any sense, remember, I’m sick. Blame the NyQuil.