Odd Bits - The Papal Edition

There are a couple of things spinning around in my head today…

Best Traffic Ticket Ever

In this home-grown story, a Maryland woman was given a ticket for going 2 miles under the speed limit, doing 63 in a 65.  The problem?  She was on I-95, camped in the left lane.

My reaction?  “It’s about fucking time!” 

The ticket is valid because it’s a safety issue.  When someone is going slower than the prevailing traffic, it’s just plain dangerous, even if you don’t count the road rage it generates.

The driver stated that it was windy and she was trying to keep the car under control.

I say that there’s a place for nervous and safety-conscious drivers, and it’s called the RIGHT LANE.  No one has the right to bottle up the passing lane; that’s why it’s called the Passing Lane and not the Drifting Along Until I Eventually Feel Like Moving Over Lane.

The next person I want to see is ticketed is someone driving on a highway directly alongside another car, at any speed.  That’s just another reason for installing the hood-mounted water cannon I want.

Raising Pope

Up until now, I’ve stayed out of the whole Pope Saga.  And yesterday, as everyone knows, we named a shiny new pope.  Well, as shiny and new as a 76-year old guy can be… 

It didn’t really surprise me that Pope Ratzo retired.  This is a guy with a complicated situation.  As the recent HBO special, “Mia Maxima Culpa” showed, every case regarding pedophile priests during Pope John Paul II’s reign went across his desk, before then going… nowhere.  He allowed these predators to remain out in the public, with the full faith and trust of the Catholic Church behind them.  The subsequent actions of every one of those offenders remain on his conscience and that should be enough to rattle anyone, especially now that the details have become so well publicized.

So yeah, claim “health issues” when you become the first pope in 600 years to resign… what’s not to believe?

Now we have Pope Francis, the first non-European pope since a Syrian in the 6^th century.  While it’s good they’re trying for some “new blood,” and he seems to be a humble, decent man, I’m not expecting anything resembling a change of course from the Church.  You have to remember that these Cardinals are the same guys that elected the conservative, bloodless technocrat before him.  All of the tenets that are causing the deterioration in the numbers of US Catholics are still there, and will be for the foreseeable future.

That’s probably why they went South American, this time around.  It’s a pretty shrewd move to shore up your core support area.  It’s good PR in a contracting environment.

And from now on, whenever the pope releases a statement with which I aggressively disagree, I’ll have this to fall back on:

The whole thing puts me in mind of a favorite old song from the 60s.  After completion of the famed ecumenical council known as Vatican 2, satirist Tom Lehrer released the infamous “Vatican Rag.”  His point was that since they were trying to update the liturgical music into something more relevant, why not go all the way and bring in some “pop” music?  (“Pop” for the early 60s, anyway.)

“Do whatever steps you want if

You have cleared them with the Pontiff.

Everybody say his own

Kyrie Eleison

Doin’ the Vatican Rag!”

Check it out… it’s totally worth a minute and a quarter out of your day, just for the rhymes alone.

Lastly, consider these words from the late George Carlin: "I have as much authority as the pope; I just don't have as many people that believe it."

March of the Penguins

My Pittsburgh Penguins have been on quite a streak lately, winning their last 6 games, and 8 of their last 10.  Last Tuesday, they played like dog shit for two and a half periods, falling behind 2-0 to the Bruins, before scoring 3 goals in the last 7 minutes, to win.

Personally, I dismiss reports of newfound offensive confidence and defensive prowess.  I think it’s my shampoo.

I’ve developed a new mojo correlation, where whenever I use my “alternate” shampoo (from a little hotel bottle) on game day, the Pens win.  I’m also honing my jersey rotation.  I’ve had a couple of hot streaks with particular jerseys, but never for more than 3 wins.  If I wear a jersey a 4^th time in a row, they lose.

Tonight should be a good test for that theory.  Three games ago, the Pens won at Toronto, while I was wearing a white Mario Lemieux jersey.  Normally, that means I’d wear the same one tonight, when they play at Toronto again.  But I’ve had that jersey on for the last 3 “away” wins, so it’s due for a loss.  I’ll probably go with the white Crosby jersey tonight.  I should know how it goes in a couple of hours.

Speaking of equipment changes, it was in the news today that for tonight’s game, Pens defenseman Brooks Orpik may, for the first time, wear a helmet with a clear, Plexiglas visor.  A week or so ago, Rangers defenseman Mark Staal got messed up pretty good when he took a puck to the eye, while wearing a helmet without a visor.  That got a lot of the players thinking about donning the visor, as well as talk around the league to require it.  I’d guess that between half and three-quarters of the league wears the visor.

I think the league should treat them the way they did treated helmets back in the 80s.  They required all players entering the league to wear them, and let existing players choose for themselves.  Eventually, as the players aged out, everyone left were in helmets.  And the thing is, visors are already required in the minor leagues, so everyone coming up is used to them.

Back when I was playing pickup hockey in upstate New York, I started out with a thin, visorless helmet.  Most of the other players used either the visor or a full cage (like a catcher’s mask).  Then in one game, as we were scrapping for a puck in front of the net, the puck got chipped up in the air, like when you flip a coin.  On the way down, it clipped me on the chin.  Even that little brush with the puck was enough to give my head a pretty good jolt.  I could only imagine what it would be like to get hit with a puck that someone shot or deflected.

That night, after I got home, I was like, “Honey, I think I know what I might want for my birthday.”

Because at that time she still liked me, and certainly didn’t want me any uglier than I already was, she bought me a helmet with the clear visor.

Visor is in the "up" position.  Don't worry about the blood, it was Halloween.

It wasn't too long after that when after a collision; I notice a big black smudge of tape across my visor.  It had obviously come from an opponent’s stick.  I hadn’t noticed it at the time, but if I hadn't been wearing the visor, there would have been a big red smudge across my face that I definitely would have noticed.

So, NHL players?  Wear the visor.  Trust us, everyone will still think you’re tough.