Thursday, September 12, 2013

If I Could Create New Car Names...

I saw an article today about the way new cars acquire their names.  Apparently there’s quite a process.  At Ford, the Marketing , Design and Communications departments formulate a large list of names, contenders are checked for negative connotations (both here and abroad), they’re vetted for trademark infringement, and finally the winner is chosen by the CEO.

Time was that car companies used animal names for their top models.  Mustang?  Impala?  Those were classics.  I’m not sure how many animal names are left though.  Hyundai is mining foreign languages for names, like their “Tiburon,” which is Spanish for ‘shark.’  I’d like to see them come out with the Hyundai “Iguana,” or maybe the Chevy “Lizard.”  

The current trend seems to be to find words that invoke positive images and feelings, and then changing them just a little.  For example, you have the “Integra,” the “Infiniti,” the “Lexus,” and “Supra.”

Because I can’t just wait around for someone else to come up with the “Scrota,” I decided I’m going to form my own car company, just so I can produce a more interesting roster of names.  In addition to having names that describe the product, I believe they should describe the driver as well. 

With that in mind, have a look at the inaugural ad for the newly formed Bluz Motors:

To compete with top-of-the-line models from Lexus and BMW, Bluz Motors presents the D’Bagga.”  Feature of note: LED readout on the back of the car, that shows the amount of gasoline being wasted as a result of me-first driving habits.

Our answer to the resurgent Camaro brand is a fiery new model called the “Flamero.  This low-slung hot-rod features actual flames emanating from the tailpipe.

Bluz Motors’ entry into the gargantuan SUV market will be represented by the hulking Compensata XL.” 
Driving one of these babies will leave no doubt as to size of your drive shaft.

For the redneck wannabe who wants a rugged pickup truck, even though he never actually hauls anything more than groceries from Whole Foods, Bluz Motors proudly unveils the “Shitkika.”  To eliminate the worry of shifting payload, the cargo bed features a series of hooks placed around the bed walls, on which you can hook your plastic or canvas shopping bags.

To our older clientele who usually drives tanker-sized Caddys and Lincolns, we offer the Bluz “Geeza.”  These land-barges feature built-in GPS and computer-controlled steering, and are programmed to seek out buffet-style restaurants at the stroke of 4:00.

To compete with the VW Touran, Sharan and Routan, we offer a car with a colorful, elongated grill, called the “Toucan,” because “two can” play at that game.

Ladies, don’t think we've forgotten about you.  To help you cope with transporting your little angels from school to practice to music lessons and back, we present the new “Estrogess QT.”  You’ll love our patented sound suppression system that completely eliminates all noise from the rear seats, including whining, fighting, complaining, movies, video games, rap music and boy bands.  All that’s left for you to do is to revel in the only silence you’re likely to get all day. 
You’re welcome!

Lest you think Bluz Motors isn't interested in fuel economy, we also offer a 100% electric car.  To those that don’t mind going zero to sixty in roughly the time it takes to boot up a 2004-era computer, we think you will have a soft spot for the new “Impota.”

However, if you find that after driving the “Impota,” you feel you need a little “spring in your step,” we offer the companion car, the Bluz “Viagris.”  Steering your Viagris through rolling hills and tight curves will definitely get your pistons humming.

While we toyed around with our own animal-named car, our prototype of the new Bluz “Possem” always died in the road, so it was never brought to market.

So, come on down to Bluz Motors, for the best deals on wheels.

Bluz Motors… because nothing beats a good BM. 


Anonymous said...

Can there be a customized Steeler edition. Maybe the Yinzi or the Jagoffa?

Jessica R. said...

Who knew there was such a process? It seems like there are a lot of cars out now with letters and numbers for names, like the CR-V. Those aren't nearly as fun as what you've come up with here. Those marketing companies should give you a call.

Also, we have a dog who is enamored with the litter box ifyouknowwhatimean. We call her "shiteatta."

bluzdude said...

I like it. Or maybe the new Honda "Yoi!"

bluzdude said...

hate the cars with the alpha-numeric names… seems like a cop-out to me. Do you think they sit around and debate whether XE sounds better than XT?

Sooner or later, we’re going to be driving the Ford LMNOP.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

I remember an old Aussie comedy show made up some car name, the Ford Crumple and the Toyota Cartwheel. Kind of gives you an idea of the idea they were going for, doesn't it.

bluzdude said...

Those are perfect!

That reminds me of a scene from the movie "Top Secret." (The "Airplane" guys do a spoof on Elvis/WWII movies.) This is back when the Ford Pinto was under fire for being susceptible to rear-end collision explosions. So this Jeep is careening out of control and suddenly, in a brilliant non-sequitur, there's a Pinto in its path. The Jeep barely touches the Pinto [ting!] and then [KABOOM]. They probably should have just renamed it, The Ford Fireball.