Got Milk?

Sometimes I get to do interesting things at work.  Like today, I got to write up the procedures for our new Lactation Room.

No, I didn't write about what to do in the room… that would have been REALLY interesting.  I had to write up how to secure use of the room and schedule a recurring time.

I’m actually kind of pleased that my company has something like this.  We didn't used to.  I know when my sister-in-law worked there and then had my nephew, she had to use a pump in one of the women’s rest rooms.  Women would go in there to pee and be like, “Damn, what’s that buzzing?  What the hell’s she doing in there?  Oh, HELL no…”

Shortly after that, our first room was set up, but it really wasn't more than a closet with a table and chair.  That was it.  Harry Potter’s first bedroom was bigger.

Anyway, our company was moving off the floor that held the old Lactation Room, so they had to set up another one.  This time, they’re using a converted kitchen, so there’s also a sink and a refrigerator.  Heaven knows you don’t want to store the output in the common area refrigerators.  That’s just begging for a tragic-comic misunderstanding.

I had the woman who is in charge of the room show it to me.  I’m a “Method Writer,” so I needed to experience the space before I could properly render the needed directions.  Even after the upgrade, it was still kind of “Spartan.”  It had all the charm of a hospital cafeteria.

I suggested they get some gauzy drapes and pillows and rocking chairs and stuff… something to soften the vibe.  [Snork!]  Have something to hold up a book or magazine, so they only have to use one hand to turn the page.

I don’t see it happening though… I don’t think the Powers That Be really want anymore workday down time than absolutely necessary.  I know for a fact that they keep the restrooms several degrees colder than the rest of the floor, specifically to deter people from nesting in the stalls.  (It doesn't work… they just bring blankets.)

I also suggested a snappy nameplate for the outside of the door, but they wanted to go “subtle” instead.  I say, why be shy?  Promote the place as our effort to make the office friendly to working new mothers.  I had the greatest name for the room, too…

Mommy’s Juice Bar

They never let me have any fun.

I also suggested that in the name of fair play, they also create a similar room for men.  Maybe we can’t use it for the identical purpose, but what if we had a place for men that were attempting in-vitro fertilization?  What if they needed a room where they could produce a “sample” at the opportune moment?

I see a room with some overstuffed easy chairs, a humidor with fresh cigars, some cold beverages and of course, a DVD player with a Hi-Def monitor.  We could call it:

The Spankateria

I know, you think I’m suggesting we set up a porno room.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I could guarantee effectiveness completely without the use of any sexist or misogynistic material.  All we’d need is a repeating loop of Ravens Super Bowl highlights.  The guys around here would be done in 3 minutes.  They wouldn't make it past Jacoby Jones’ kickoff return touchdown.

Director’s DVD Commentary: If you guessed that I only included the whole bit about the special room for men was so I could use the Super Bowl highlights joke, you’d be right.  And if you didn't guess that, it’s like you don’t know me at all.

This post is dedicated to all my blog sisters who have been there and done that, and especially Cassie, who should be popping #4 any time now.