Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Never...

My blog friend Cristy had a cool meme going Friday and I’m totally stealing it.  Don’t worry, I asked permission. 

Well, maybe “permission” isn’t the right word... it was more like “notification.”

The idea is to “bold” the things you've never done or have never had happened to you.  It kind of reminds me of a drinking game I used to play, called “I Never.”  Obviously, I’m going to have to add comments as well.  Here goes:

(Remember: Unbold = You did it.  Bold = You never did it.

1. had sex.  (I am NOT starring in the sequel, "The Fifty-Year Old Virgin.")
2. bought condoms.  (Was so much more horrifying to do back in the early 80s.)
3. gotten pregnant. (Duh… I’m a dude.)
4. failed a class.  (I was not allowed to fail any classes.)
5. kissed a boy.  (Only my little nephews, and I don’t think that counts here.)
6. kissed a girl. (I have "Kissed The Girl.")

7. used a little paper bag for lunch. (That was ALL I had.  What’s a lunchbox?)
8. had a job.
9. slipped on ice. (All the time, and not including hockey.)
10. missed the school bus.  (You know, I don’t think I did.  The bus did, however, miss ME from time to time.)
11. left the house without my wallet.  (Yes, and not just to get out of paying the check.)
12. bullied someone on the internet.  (Bullied, no.  Jumped someone else’s shit for being an asshole to a friend?  Definitely.)
13. sexted. (I'm counting IM'ing here, from back in the chatroom days.  And I was GOOD!)
14. had sex in public.  (See “The Summer of Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow.”)
15. played on a sports team. (Little league, peewee football, pickup hockey)
16. smoked weed.  (Maybe 5 times in my life.)
17. smoked cigarettes.  (One summer when I worked at a gas station and was surrounded by them. It was just out of shear boredom.  And I didn’t inhale, because I couldn’t do it without hacking for the next 10 minutes.)
18. smoked a cigar.  (Victory cigars rule!)
19. drank alcohol.  (Are you kidding me?)

20. watched "The Breakfast Club."  (“If I have to come back in here I’m gonna start crackin’ skulls!”)
21. been overweight.  (Like right now.)
22. been underweight.  (1988… I was down to 165.  Not a good look for a 6’3” dude.)
23. had an eating disorder. (not unless you count an obsession with bacon.)
24. been to a wedding.  (Dozens, including my own.)
25. made fun of someone for being fat.  (High school.  Not proud.)
26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight.  (Of course… like today, for example.  And every day at work.)
27. watched TV for 5 hours straight.  (Of course… it takes 3 hours just to watch 1 football game...) 
28. been late for work. 
29. been late for school.  (When I was in 3rd/4th grade in Catholic school, I had it down so that I was late enough to miss Mass, but not so late as to miss class.)
30. kissed in the rain.  (I have to say “probably.”  I can’t remember one, but it must have happened sometime…)
31. showered with someone else.  (Not nearly as much fun for the dude, who has to stand in the back and let her have all the hot water.)
32. failed my driver's test.  (No way.)
33. run a mile in less than 10 minutes.  (I don’t think I’ve ran a mile since grade school, and you needed a sun dial to time me.)
34. been outside my home country.  (Paris, London, Toronto.)
35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours.  (Oh God yes.  Hellish trips strapped in the back seat of the family roadster with brother and sister.  No video games, no DVDs, no Walkmen, no I-pods… nothing to do but torture each other and try to avoid getting swatted from the front seat.  Best place was to sit behind Dad.  Too hard to reach around the seat and still keep the car on the road.  Pulling over lost valuable time.)
36. had lice.   (Just flied lice.)
37. gotten fired.  (From the boring gas station.  They were so cheap, they didn’t even have a cash register.  Had to make change from money in a cigar box and then they canned me for coming up short.  WTF did they expect?  They never even taught me how to give change.  I was trying to do the math in my head.)
38. had a credit card.  ($300 limit on my first card, right after college.  And over the next 27 years, there have only been 2 months where I didn’t pay off the whole balance.)
39. been to a professional sports game.  (Duh… Consulting the Sports Event Spreadsheet… Over 170 games or events.  66 football games, 92 baseball games, 9 hockey games, 3 misc.  These are low-ball numbers, too, because there have been many on which I don’t have dates or details, like several seasons of minor league hockey games in Albany NY, and quite a number of baseball games when I was a kid.)
PNC Park, from this May.

40. broken a bone.   (Lucky, so far.)
41. been unhappy about my weight. 
42. won a trophy.  (Never!  Not a one!  When I was growing up, you didn’t get a trophy unless you actually won something, as opposed to now when you get one for just showing up.)
43. cut myself.  (Is there anyone in the world that can seriously say they’ve never cut themselves?  Oh wait… I’m thinking ‘by accident.’  Let me put it this way, I cut myself lots, but never on purpose.)
44. had an STD.  (These pipes are CLEAN…  There ARE advantages to not being a man-slut.)
45. got engaged.  (More times than I care to remember.  Getting engaged was the easy part.  Staying together long enough to get to the wedding was more problematic.)
46. been on a diet.  (Mr Atkins and I once spent a couple months together.)
47. tried out to be on a TV show.  (When MTV was new, they had Guest VJ auditions at the mall and I tried out.)
48. rode in a taxi.  (At age 4… we had to take a cab to kindergarten.  Should have seen my ass out on the street, whistling them down.)
49. been to prom.  (Just one… senior prom.  Hey, in Mexico, is it a senor prom?)
50. played a drinking game.  (My dad taught us all the best drinking games, during those Browns/Steelers games in Cleveland.  Sure they were all from the 1950s, but they were new to us…)
51. stayed up for 24 hours or more.  (Just once, on the trip to Paris in 8th grade.  Couldn’t sleep on the plane.  Got there just in time to start a day of sight-seeing.)
52. been to a concert.  (Over 100, according to the Concert Event Spreadsheet.)
53. had a three-some.  (See “Riding on the Three-Way of Love.”)
54. had a crush on someone of the same sex.  (I can only deal with one smelly, hairy guy and that’s me.)
55. been in a car accident.  (Several; none were too serious.  Worst was spinning out the family station wagon carrying a load of neighbor kids back from the movies.  Ended up in a water-filled ditch.  Dad had to tow us out.  I deserved kudos for fighting the skid for so long and avoiding all the telephone poles.  Got grounded instead.)
56. had braces.  (Had enough other problems with the broken tooth, thank you very much.)
57. learned another language.  (I wouldn’t say I completely “learned” it, but 4 years of high school and college Spanish ought to count for something…)
58. killed an animal. (Yeah, I hit a cat once, late at night.  Felt sick for the rest of the week.)
59. been at a yard sale.  (I never actually bought the yard, though.)
60. been to a Japanese steakhouse.  (I’d probably raise my hand to be excused and get it cut off by accident.  Probably would have tasted like bacon.)
61. worn make up.  (Halloween/SFX make up, yes.  Oh, and a soon-to-be girlfriend covered up a hickie for me, so her dad wouldn’t see.  And it wasn’t even from her.)
62. talked to someone via webcam. (I’ve never had a webcam, but I HAVE talked to someone that was on theirs.  They just couldn’t see me.)
63. lost my virginity before I was 16. (Not even close.  Come to think of it, that will have to be a future blog post.)
64. had my wisdom teeth taken out. (All 4 at once.)
65. kissed someone a different race than myself.  (An Island Girl I met online.  Brown Sugar!)
66. snuck out of the house.  (I never had to sneak.  Once I was old enough that I had anywhere to go, I really didn’t have any restrictions.)
67. bought porn.  (You know I have the Playboy subscription)
68. had a virus on my computer.  (Now I keep a condom over the monitor.)
69. had oral sex.  (I trust they’re not talking about over the phone…)
70. dyed my hair.  (I never had the chance… it fell out too soon.)
71. gone skinny dipping.  (Once or twice.  Not a fan.  Although I remember my brother diving into the water with a flashlight and watching the girls scatter.)
72. graduated from college.  (Failure was not an option.  Plus, I paid my own way… I could have bought a LOT of beer with that kind of dough.)
Yeah, that's a Batman pin on my robe... what of it?

73. worn someone else's clothes. (Who hasn’t had to borrow a shirt or sweatshirt from a buddy because your got messed up or soaked?)
74. voted in a presidential election.  (Every one since 1980)
75. ridden in an ambulance.  (Once, as part of a drill…never for an actual emergency.)
76. ridden in a helicopter.  (This, I would like to try.)
77. caught the stove on fire.  (Never.  That was Mom’s job.  It got to where I thought pot holders came with a blackened coil mark on them.)
78. got in a fight.  (Last time; 8th grade.  Unless you count getting cheap-shotted at a Ratbirds game.)
79. met someone famous.  (See the entire “Brushes With the Greats and Near Greats” series.)
80. been on vacation. 
81. been on an airplane.
82. been on a boat.  (Crossed the English Channel, fished walleye on Lake Erie, tooled around the Chesapeake Bay.)
83. broken something expensive.  (My front tooth.)

84. had surgery.  (Tonsils when I was 4, then the whole heart catheter ablation saga.)
85. kissed someone before I was 14.  (Yeah, I think I was under 14 when the Summer of Spin-the-Bottle broke out.)
86. beat a video game.  (Does Solitaire count?  I’m thinking ‘no.’)
87. found something valuable on the ground.  (I was with my dad’s friend Sam when we saw two club-level tickets on the ground to the Steelers/Buccaneers game we were attending.  He turned them in, though.)
88. made a survey.  (I probably did, for Audience Measurement class when I was studying Broadcasting in college.)
89. stalked someone on facebook/myspace. 
90. prank called someone.  (Nope… not to my recollection, did I ever make the call.  I may have been in the room a couple times…)
91. been to a library outside of school.
92. spent over $100 shopping in one day.  (How about 75% of my trips to Wal-Mart?)
93. cut my hair and hated it.   (I take this to mean, cut my OWN hair.)
94. peed outside. (Duh… I’m a dude.  Any dude that says he’s never peed outside is lying.)
95. gone fishing.   See #82. Also: this.  

96. helped with charity.
97. taken a pregnancy test.  (See #94)
98. been rejected by a crush.  (Almost all of them.)
99. been suspended from school.  (Never.  I wouldn't have been allowed to come home.)
100. broken a mirror.  (Only by looking at it.)

18 comments:

  1. Love this blog post! A really interesting read! Followed!

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  2. Two true condum buying stories when you were a little GUY: Once at the counter, I finally got a male pharmacist and was second in line when two Nuns walked up behind me and got in line. With panic in my eyes I quickly exited the store. #2 I was buying a dozen pack as I hated to go in often, and an old man came up beside me and said" GOD BLESS YOU FELLOW. I smiled and just said very proudly THANK YOU. True I swear.

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  3. Am I being slow? Or is your bold vs not bold off?

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  4. Dad,
    I don't think nuns have that kind of clout any more. Now, I'd be inclined to turn around and go, "does the 'ribbed' really make a difference, or should I go with the plain?"

    Cassie,
    I think I have it right... you're supposed to bold the stuff than never happened or didn't apply. Or are you not seeing the "bold"? Maybe I should apply a color...

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  5. Director's DVD Commentary: After further clarification from Cassie, it seems I had the "Reminder" instruction backwards. It is now fixed. (The original instruction was OK.) Hence, we have a demonstration of how hard it is to proofread ones self. Thanks Cassandre.

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  6. Only a few are allowed to use the Cassandre card. You're lucky you've earned it over the years. :)

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  7. Thanks for the link, Bluz! I so should've expanded explanations like you did. Love that you did this.

    “The Summer of Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow” has got to be one of the greatest of your past stories.

    I can't believe the king of sports has never gotten a trophy. I was sure you'd have a few links for that one. I've gotten 2 trophies in my life - one legit: Best of Show for an art show for a charcoal drawing when I was in 5th grade, and one ridiculously undeserved: played in a golf "tournament" with work folks in Colorado. There were only two women, a friend and me, and there were two trophies at the end of the thing for women, one for "Closest to the Pin" and one for "Longest Drive," and coincidentally, we each won one. First time playing golf for both of us - EVER. :)

    If I'd had anything in my mouth at the time, I'd have spewed at this: "(Now I keep a condom over the monitor.)" Hahaha!

    You're going to have to explain #97 - do guys just randomly take pregnancy tests outside to pee on? I don't get it.

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  8. Cassie,
    I only play that card because it's such a nice name, it needs to be seen.

    Cristy,
    Oops... that one should have been bolded. Will fix. The reference to #94 was for the being a dude part.

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  9. Gotcha! I agree RE: Cassie's name - so pretty. :)

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  10. I agree. Where bacon is involved, there's no such thing as disordered eating.

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  11. Flied lice...that's my dad's number-one favorite joke in the whole entire world.

    But you seriously never had braces OR head lice? Dude, that's almost criminally lucky.

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  12. One of my life list items is to go to 100 concerts. I obviously need to start a spreadsheet. I have gone to at least 50.

    Also, I've never had braces or head lice. Must be that October 1 birthday thing...

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  13. Beer,
    The only disorder is when there’s not enough bacon.

    Mrs. Bachelor Girl,
    The braces… good genes. No one in my family has had’em.

    Lice… must not have been as widespread when I was a kid. I don’t even remember any other kids at school or in the neighborhood that had them either. Maybe it’s a “South” thing…

    Jessica,
    Someday I’m going to have to do a post with my list of concerts attended. Or maybe a series of posts discussing the best ones… Seriously, I could talk music all day…

    Maybe your end of the swamp wasn’t as buggy as MBG’s…

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  14. Shizam! That was a lot of questions and a lot of answers.

    Yes....I just said Shizam.... I have to modify my language at home and its carrying over into other things. Im a bit embarrassed by it...

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  15. Daffy,
    I KNOW! That was some nosy meme.

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  16. Hey, Bluz! Are you o.k.? Heard office buildings were being evacuated due to earthquake! Were you in the john at the time? Hahahahaha!!!

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  17. Judie,
    Oh yeah, I felt that one. I'm on the 13th floor and our building was swaying pretty good... 2 episodes, about 10 seconds apart. I ran to the window because it felt like a strong wind was blowing, like Hurricane Irene was here already.

    Whole thing was kind of unnerving, but we're none the worse for wear. And a whole buttload of people jumped at the chance to go home early. (As if you can flee an earthquake that's felt from Rhode Island to North Carolina and Ohio.

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