Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Odd Bits - The Ronery Edition

What was your reaction when you first heard that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died?  If you’re like me, or anyone else in the world that has ever seen “Team America – World Police,” you immediately started the song “I’m So Ronery” running through your head.
“I’m so ronery, so ronery, so ronery and sadry arone…”

I certainly wasn’t the only one… Twitter blew up with the Team America references as well.  The only one, it seems, who didn’t chime in was Hans Brix… I mean, Hans Blix, but last I saw, he was indisposed.
“You’re breakin’ mah barrs, Hans, you’re breakin’ mah barrs.”

Even Entertainment Weekly ran a post listing the favorite Kim Jong-Il pop culture references, including those from Team America, Mad-TV and 30 Rock.

Director’s DVD Commentary: If you’re unfamiliar with Team America, it’s an ‘action movie’ spoof by the guys that make South Park, only it’s done completely with marionettes.  It is pants-peeing funny.  It makes fun of the “Destroy Everything in Your Path War Hawks” as well as the “Mush-Headed, Weenie Liberals” that oppose them.  You can get a taste of it by clicking the link above, which has a video with all the good Kim Jong-Il scenes, but be warned that it’s completely Unsafe for Work.  The video below, however, is safe.

No one knows what’s going to become of North Korea now, under the leadership of Il’s youngest son, Kim Jong-Un.  He hasn’t had much of a track record in his own right, although unlike every ordinary North Korean, you can see by his dough-faced visage that he hasn’t missed any meals.

My guess is that one of the top generals will toss the pampered prince into a dungeon and install himself as the new Imperial Leader.  Business will continue as usual.

And Kim Jong-Il will no longer be “ronery” as he joins the Pantheon of Evil Dictators, in hell.

Run Away!  Run Away!
In the last two months, I’ve received email from 2 different progressive organizations, asking me to run for office.  They came from MoveOn.org and People for the American Way.  

Now, I don’t have any illusions that they singled me out in particular; they were just mass emailings to their members.  I find the idea interesting, but there is zero chance of my ever doing anything like that.  It would seriously cut into my blogging and TV-watching time.

The only way I could ever run for any kind of office would be as kind of a prank.  My goal would be to run the most memorable, vulgar and off-the-wall campaign in recent memory.  I would need it to be completely funded independently, (Hey, maybe that’s something else I could do with any prospective Powerball winnings!) so I could forget about fund raising focus on making speeches and participating in debates. 

While that may sound traditional, I’d really be looking at those appearances as more stand-up comedy than asking for votes.  First, I’d find an office to run for where I’d be up against some uptight, sanctimonious, evangelical Family Values candidate.  Picture Rick Santorum.  On the campaign trail, I’d swear like a sailor.  I’d call my opponent a lying sack of shit.  You know how politicians try not to say their opponent’s name?  I’d do that, but I’d only refer to him as That Asshole. 

I’d wear Hawaiian shirts and sandals.  My commercials would be utterly ridiculous.  I’d tell people that if they call my campaign headquarters, I’d personally deliver them a pizza.  (Naturally I’d list my opponent’s office phone number.)

Perhaps, through the comedy, I’d throw a couple of valid points in there, just to confuse everyone.  People would show up to the rallies just to see what this idiot is going to say next.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that this sounds a lot like the shit we used to do in college.  The group I hung out with in our “Commuter Center” had applied for a Fraternity charter, for no other reason than to screw with the Greeks from inside the system.  They realized the best way to mock the frat guys (aka ‘white, anglo-saxon, protestant, alcoholic business majors’) and sorority girls (aka ‘sluts’) was to join them and subvert all the stupid traditions they held dear.  My campaign would essentially do the same thing to the election process.

Yeah, it all sounds like fun on paper, but I have to keep in mind that the hockey season is a long one.  If the Penguins make the playoffs, I won’t be able to concentrate on the issues of the day.  I could just see one of my speeches:

And I promise, if you elect me instead of That Asshole, I will go in there and [reacting to the game feed in my earpiece] WOOOOOOOOO HOOO! Sid just scored!  Fuck yeah!  Take that, you Philly goons!   Um…where was I again?

The only way I could ever deal with public office is if I had absolute rule.  I don’t have the patience to deal with people that aren’t smart enough to agree with me.  The heck with this “Council” stuff and that “Congress” crap.  I know what’s best for everybody.

Hey, wait… now that I think about it, I might just be a closeted Republican.

The Mojo Boogie
Last night’s Steelers game against the 49ers was not kind to me, although it was not a surprise.  While I may have gotten killed with my weekly picks, I did get this one right in picking the Niners.  The Steelers don’t play well in San Francisco, as far as I’ve seen. 

My family and I have been out there twice since 1999 when the Steelers played them and they lost both times.  One time it was during a torrential downpour.  I was so soaked that even the money in my wallet, in my pocket, was wet.  Not a fun time.

I certainly made the right call in taking today off.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that the MNF games run late, they had 2 power outages at the stadium that resulted in 36 minutes worth of delays.  It certainly helped to be able to sleep until 9:30 this morning.

For my game gear, I consulted some prior games.  I found that in the prior Sunday Night games this year when the Steelers were visiting, and the Monday Night game last year, I’d worn my white Polamalu jersey and they won, so that’s what I went with last night.  I probably should have changed up on the pants.
#43 Troy Polamalu jersey, throwback long-sleeved tee, flannel Steelers jammie pants and Steelers socks.

Back to the drawing board.


Cassie said...

"Well that's no ordinary rabbit."

"You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!"

bluzdude said...

"That's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most cruel, foul and bad tempered rodent ya ever laid eyes on."

"What's 'e do, nibble your bum?"

DG said...

You, a closet Republican? BWAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!

Re: the Steelers game - those stupid Harbaugh brothers.

Anonymous said...

Did you just make fun of a dictator and then make the case for becoming one yourself? Kim Bluz Il. Kinda catchy.

Couple of thoughts. Rough year for evil geniuses. Osama... Gaddafi... Kim. I'm thinking they join Saddam in the afterlife and form some kind of an evil boy band.

Plus, look at the youngest Kim. He's only 27. He's going to blow up like Fat Bastard in the Austin Powers series. He's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. Boo ya!

bluzdude said...

Apparently all that unchecked power is going to my head taxcuts and I’m starting to think it makes sense killfinancialregulations to tell people how they should live their personal lives climatechangeisahoax while claiming that the government is intruding into the lives of massvoterfraudisreal patriotic Americans.

Perhaps the Kim Jongs were onto something. It’s much easier to get things done when you have unquestioned, undiluted power. I mean, look how fast Darth Vader got the Death Star built. But I would probably be slightly more “forgiving.”

Yeah, those guys could totally do a band… The Axis of Evil. But they’d probably kill each other over creative control before they could cut their first album.

When KJU gets his shoes shined, he has to take their word.

Jessica R. said...

I bet your campaign strategy would backfire like The Producers and you'd end up in office.

That video is hilarious. I hear people talk about that movie all the time, but I've never seen it. Adding it to my list.

bluzdude said...

That would be my worst nightmare... getting up the next morning, reading the paper and going, "I fucking WON??"

Team America slayed me... and after a while, you almost forget they're puppets. Just make sure you put your little one to bed before you watch, lest a whole crapload of unladylike language might sink in. And be sure NOT to get the Unrated Version... just trust me on that.

Cher Duncombe said...

Who knows what will happen with North Korea now. Something tells me they will show a heavy hand just to let the world know their new leader is not a boy toy. Ewwww.

I can see you running for office, Bluz! There would be lots of laughs, great food and music and possibly beer pong championships. I'm in if you need a promoter. :)

bluzdude said...

Man, my campaign speeches would be part Denis Leary, part AC/DC concert. I can’t even begin to contemplate the various songs I’d use with my campaign, although “Dirty Deeds” comes to mind. And the heck with kissing babies… just send up the babes!

Bruce said...

I saw some footage that Kim Jong II is the latest dead communist leader under glass. My goal is to visit all of them at some point. Ho Chi Minh was back in Moscow being refurbished (whatever that entails)when I was in Vietnam. Saw Mao in Bejing. The tomb exits into a massive array of vendors where you can buy Mao red books, cigarettes, watches and everything else. It is rather capitalist if you ask me. But communists make the best capitalists after all

bluzdude said...

You’re right! What is it that makes the Communists want to keep their dead leaders under glass? That’s not what I would want in a terrarium.

Gina said...

The freakiest thing is the people pretending to mourn for fear of persecution.

bluzdude said...

Yeah, it's like what I always heard about those long-assed Castro speeches. First one to stop clapping goes to the dungeon, so the applause lasts as long as the damned speech.