Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Vanity Fare

I’ve often thought about getting vanity license plates for my car.  It seems like that’s the official “state-sanctioned” method to show that you’re either completely self-centered, or just a wiseass.

Mostly, it’s been the cost and the hassle that’s kept me from getting one.  And the cost is about to go up in Maryland.  The state legislature just passed a bill increasing the fee for vanity plates from $25 to $50 per year!  That’s right, every year, you’d have to cut a check to the MVA.

Sorry, no thanks.  I don’t need to identify myself as a wiseass that badly… not when I can do it online for free!

But I do wonder, if I were to get a vanity plate, what would I get?

First off, you have to be careful.  Like, I’m sure this person thought their love of David Sanborn or Grover Washington would come across in this plate:

Instead, it just looks like they want to “love” David Sanborn or Grover Washington… love them long time.

I’d also have to be careful about using any Pittsburgh references.  That’s a good way to get your tires slashed and doors keyed, around here.  I only decorate my car with Bowling Green State University alumni decals, because no one gives a rat’s ass about the MAC Conference schools.  We fly right under the radar.

I should probably take notes from my Uncle Joe, who is the King of Vanity Plates.  He used to have a plate that said, IWEWEYQ.  And parked beside that was my Aunt Linda’s car, with a plate that said, NIYQTOO.  That was how I knew they had lived in California too long.  Unc’s plates weren’t all cutesy… he had one on his Ferrari that said, FMLY 4RE.  Of course when you see someone driving a Ferrari, who ever looks at the plates?

I’d consider getting a plate that had some variation of BLUZ on it, but first, I’m sure it’s been taken, and second, that could possibly identify me in public to some rabid teabagger who may try to run me off the road for crowding his liberty.

Speaking of, I wonder if this fellow understands the implications of what he’s suggesting:
Then again, it’s a California plate, so I’m guessing he does.

I used to know a girl in Virginia that was also a blues fan.  She didn’t do a vanity plate, but the VA licenses had a picture of a colonial dude in the middle of it, so she took a marker and drew on some dark shades.  I thought that was cool as hell, although she’s liable to get pulled over for it.

Bluz Sister has a plate that says INNY.  It’s on the back of her Audi.  Yes, it took me a while too.

One of the most creative ones I’ve heard of takes some high school chemistry to decipher.  It said, HIYOAG, which looks meaningless until you realize that AG is the Periodic Table designation for silver.  I love the “thinkers.”

I was looking through an internet site for some other cool ideas and found this one (as well as the previous plate picture):
I can steal that as long as I don’t live in New York, I guess.  Hey, I wonder if that’s Homer Simpson’s car…

You should check out the site… there are too many good ones to list here.  But I was surprised at how many off color ones made it through.  I thought it would be tougher to put something over on the Powers Charged With Making Sure No Citizen Ever Gets Offended.

Now I’m thinking that one of my ideas might be workable.  I’d like a plate that says, QQQQ.  Which is a sneakier way of saying 4Q.

Oh yeah?  4Q2.

Ultimately, I’d probably go with this one: BBBBBBB.  In other words, the sound one makes when driving.  When one is 3. 

Or you can call it homage to the noise you make when you’re going crazy sitting in traffic.  Just make sure your fingers weren’t in the ashtray before making the noise.

28 comments:

  1. Most of my visits to Ohio are spent remarking on the fact that everyone there and absolutely no one in NYC has vanity plates. I'll admit that I totally thought I'd have one someday when I was 16, though.

    I'm surprised I didn't have more accidents as a young driver in Ohio (and believe me, I had plenty), because IWEWEYQ took me about five minutes of hard thinking to get.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mundane,
    That's OK, not everyone speaks "cutesy."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Correction Bro, my plate says: INNIE. INNY was taken. Some other Audi-driving smarty-pants out there.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't know if I would waste the money to get one because they get stolen here so much.

    And on another note I just saw the 2011 NFL Schedule (if there is a season) and noticed that our boys come to Houston on October 4th. And you best believe I will be there in my #43 jersey with a huge black curly haired wig on.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No, not many people in NYC have vanity plates. But we saw one, and it was hilarious.

    My brother has interesting musical tastes--he loves European electronica that sounds really harsh, like robots killing other robots. And 80s New Wave. And bluegrass, hard-core twangy stuff. And Neil Diamond, who he literally first listened to in the womb, as Mom played him throughout her pregnancy.

    A couple years ago in NYC, we were in a cab behind a town car with super-dark windows. The car had this license plate: "IAMISAID". We sounded it out, and realized...hey, wasn't "I Am, I Said" Neil Diamond's autobiographical song? And he's from New York, and those windows on that car are *really* dark like they're hiding someone, and...

    "It's Neil Freakin' Diamond!" Wow, my brother was excited. He kept trying to get a glimpse of the man himself; it was a relief when we lost the town car and had to get out of the cab. We did lots of things that day, but seeing what had to be Neil Freakin' Diamond's, or his biggest, richest fan's, car was the highlight of his day.

    ReplyDelete
  6. When Dr. Brandi got a new car after she graduated from medical school and began her psychiatry residency, she got a vanity plate that read "PSYMD."

    Until her husband and I informed her that it was MUCH more likely that people that she was a gynecologist.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Trash,
    That would leave me SEVERELY pissed off, to have my plates stolen, even if it's only because that means I have to go back to the MVA.

    Lilo,
    I guess Neil doesn't do "inconspicuous," does he? All the better for your brother then... Maybe your brother can get one that says IAMTOO

    Mrs Bachelor Girl,
    You totally should. They make great maternity tops, especially the older ones. (The new ones are cut slimmer.) It would be great lounging attire.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bluz Sister (Anon),
    I was trying to use a variation, while not spoiling the meaning, so to keep your actual plate under wraps. But now that you've outed your innie...

    ReplyDelete
  9. @BG, I almost wet myself. That's funny.

    I had a vanity plate. I got it originally for my Mini Cooper that I no longer have because I decided to have kids. (Not that I'm bitter. I'd chose the kids over the car...I just...well, I loved that car.) It said CASSILU. Now it's on Matt's car. He hates driving the "CASSILU-mobile" as he puts it, so I got him a Mario Lemieux Foundation plate, like the one we have on the Volvo. Now we're just waiting for the delinquents in the State Pen to punch it out and send it our way.

    Personally, having him drive the CASSILU-mobile makes me feel like I own him. Because I totally do.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Cassie,
    Your husband must be a saint. I would have major issues driving a CASSILU plate around.

    I would, however, like to drive a Mini Cooper one day. If I would even fit in one...

    ReplyDelete
  11. $50 is way too much for a vanity plate! Now, I DO have a bumper sticker that says, "Kiss an Artist Today." I was filling up at a gas pump and an old guy got out of his car and asked if he could kiss me. I glanced over at his wife who was in the car, and she said, "It's o.k.! He's harmless!"

    ReplyDelete
  12. Judie,
    I could live with a flat fee of $50, but per year? No thanks. $50 a year can buy a lot of beer.

    As for your bumper sticker, what do you expect, ya temptress? Look at the Hot Arizona Auntie firing up the seniors...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Go with what Kramer had ASSMAN! Make it worth your investment and choose a witty one that all will understand. Just have fun with it and you have my vote on snagging the MMMBACON

    ツ my cyber house rules dot com

    ReplyDelete
  14. These plates were hysterical! I think if anyone should have one, you should because of your wicked funny sense of humor. What about IRDBLUZ
    Or BLUZ-DUDE C'mon...it's perfect for you!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh you'd fit. I had 4 of the tallest, fattest cooks from my old job at Friday's all pile into my ride. It was hilarious, and my suspension was never the same after that, but worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nikki,
    I love the bacon one... just wish I'da thought of it first. Maybe I can do something like LRVBACN. Wait, "love-bacon" isn't a euphemism for peen, is it? Like "check out my spice love-bacon!"

    Nah, I didn't think so. But it should be.

    Cher,
    How about DFISHROX?

    Cassie,
    I believe you. My little tiny Honda CRX had plenty of room for me. Some cars are only small on the outside.

    I bet you had about 4" of clearance with those cooks in the car. You could'a gotten stuck in a pothole.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Of all the states I have been in, I have never seen more vanity plates than I see in Virginia. I always wonder why - are they cheaper there or something?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Gina,
    I remember being in a place and not believing how many vanity plates I saw... I just can't remember where that was. Getting old sucks. Maybe it was Virginia... I mean, I'm right by there...

    ReplyDelete
  19. How about an ode to Seinfeld and the proctologist's personalized license plate?

    ASSMAN

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm not nearly witty enough for a vanity plate. Although maybe it would help me remember my plate number. I hate when I have to fill out some form and I look like the dumb car chick because I have no freaking clue.... I know it's on the back of my car somewhere....

    ReplyDelete
  21. Beer,
    If I were going to steal an idea, it couldn't be one that was so famous... I'd have to at least maintain the illusion that I thought of it...

    DG,
    The only way I can remember my plate numbers is to devise a mnemonic device to remember, usually involving football jersey numbers.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I feel like such a dweeb. I took me a long time to figure out your aunt and uncle's. :P

    A car I've wanted for a long time exists and works (ok, the owner works) at a dealership down the road from us, and I love it. I call it a frog - it's a bright green (not the lime green) Honda Civic del Sol (here's one), with a lic plate that reads "INMYSOL." :) Tom said if we got one for me at some point (I know they're old, but I like them anyway, dammit), he'd put "IVGTSOL" on there. :)

    I love the bacon one! You may get lucky - there may not be that particular combo of bluzdude. Just don't leave off the "e." :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh dear baby jane. JAZZ lover. I thought they meant, er, something else.

    Fine, I have a dirty mind. sue me.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Cristy,
    Love the del Sol idea. My parents still drive their little white del Sol. No snappy plates though, but I might suggest GEEZENS.

    I could always try BLUZDOOD... but never DUD

    RPM,
    That's why that plate was on Failblog. Anyone with even a mild knowledge of porno terminology would think they meant "something else."

    ReplyDelete
  25. I paid 66 (get it?) for my Lemieux plates. And it's flat. Never a year.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I was in the vitamin supplement business for a while and I got a plate that said "CHZHLTH" which was intended to mean Choose Health. Unfortunately, everyone thought it said Cheese Health and wondered if I was concerned over the health of cheese or if eating cheese made you healthy. FAIL.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Jayne,
    CHEEZEHEALTH would make an excellent vanity plate idea... parked right beside BACNHLTH.

    Also, maybe when people saw CHZHLTH, they just thought you were Hungarian.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Jayne - That's awesome!

    Bluz - BACNHLTH is just about the coolest idea ever. :)

    ReplyDelete

Comments are like 'crack' to a blogger... Please help me get my 'fix' by leaving a comment! And be sure to check back for my reply. Consider it the Afterparty!