If you've been visiting for a while, you must know my love
for absurdity. I live for those rare
moments of inspiration where I get an idea in my head and it just spirals out
of control, turning into something deliciously goofy.
Sadly, that didn't happen to me today. But as I was scratching around for something
to write about tonight, I recalled a favorite bit of goofy writing I came up
with long before I ever had a blog.
It was 2001 and I was a single dude living here in
Baltimore. I was about two years into
the online chatroom scene, and had “met” a number of people with whom I became
good friends, despite never actually meeting in person. There was one lovely lady up in Connecticut,
with whom I corresponded for quite some time.
(What, you think I was chatting up dudes?)
We emailed regularly for about 8 years, without ever
meeting. During that time, we dealt
with her divorce, buying her own house, and eventually establishing a
relationship with a new guy.
In one long email on the Friday after Thanksgiving, out of
nowhere, she dropped this bomb…
“I need sex!!!... OMG... did I just say
that??? LOL.... just kidding... no, not really... yeah yeah... I
am... Just wanted to see what your eyes would do... So... what did they do??
Describe your reaction to that phrase... LMAO... I think you first were
shcocked... OMG... did you see how I just spelled that??? Freudian
slip???? OMG... LMAO... I'm not even
correcting it... That's too funny...”
I was highly amused, because we never talked about
sex. This was very much unlike
her. So I worked up this high-quality
response, which still cracks me up.
“Lets see, what should I talk about? Oh, I know,
I'll start by apologizing for not writing last night. You see, I couldn't
write because MY EYES popped out of my head, and rolled under my computer
desk. Took me hours to find them, what with not being able to see, and
all. I'd be under there looking, and then remember why they popped out,
which would cause me throw my head back in shock and amazement, and in
turn, klunk it on the bottom of the desk.
Eventually, I'd regain consciousness, but it would be
tough to tell, because I couldn't see from my eyes being out. Anyway,
after seemingly hours of feeling around, repeated klunking and waking up, I
managed to find my eyes again and put them back in. Of course, I had to
wash'em off first...you know what it's like when you get dust on your eye.
Y'know, you'd think that if you held an eye up and pointed it at something, that you'd still be able to see, but it doesn't work that way.
Go figure. But still, any further writing for the day was
out. I've always heard that computers are hard on your eyes. I
guess it's true.
Anyway, after gathering my wits and faculties about me, I
only have one thing to say:
Southwest Airlines, 5 to 8 flights a day between Baltimore and Hartford, $124 or less.
Southwest Airlines, 5 to 8 flights a day between Baltimore and Hartford, $124 or less.
It's so nice to hear when someone has a problem that I can
easily help with and make better. Always willing to help, I am....
Always at your service.... snicker...”
If I had been making more money at the time, I totally would
have popped for the ticket. I was hoping
she’d “Wanna get away,” but no such luck. I thought it was pretty selfless of me to try and solve her
problem. She probably couldn't take me
seriously any more, after that “eyeball” riff.
It’s tough being both a comic and a gentleman, sometimes.
7 comments:
I love that you totally picked a photo of a one-eyed monster too. You sly dog, you.
It's the alien from Monty Python's Life of Brian, which was the inspiration for the whole 'can't see when you hold your eyeball in front of you' riff.
I've never unleashed the "other" one-eyed monster onto the Internet. That would be in gentlemanly.
Pretty sure you missed your window on that. If you had responded right away with an offer for YOU to fly up to HER, I'm thinking this story would have had a different ending. A happy one, perhaps? ;)
Oh, I offered that too! All I needed was an invitation!
Her being so proper, while making that outburst so funny to me, meant she wasn’t the type for such “casual” relationships, and the distance prevented anything more meaningful. Neither of us was prepared to move, so therein laid the rub.
But eventually I met some people that weren’t quite so proper…
She may have been another Ann Bancroft who married Mel Brooks because he made her laugh. (He married her for her lasagna, so he says. A comedian, fersure).
FYI, there's a special on TNT tonight, where the AFI celebrates Mel Brooks with a Lifetime Achievement Award. 9pm.
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