Wednesday, March 31, 2010


It’s so hard to eat right at work.

I try… I really try, but I have this one giant weakness.  I even have it on a button.  It’s described in a quote from Oscar Wilde that says, “I can resist anything, but temptation.”

That’s me.

I used to be good about turning down goodies but my willpower has faded in inverse proportion to my age.  In my office, there are always goodies and treats being brought in.  Cookies in the breakroom… Ice cream social fundraiser for March of Dimes…  Bake sales…

On Monday, our department had a massive potluck lunch, for upwards of 50 people.  Geez, there was all kinds of food.  I did OK with that part, eating mostly a couple varieties of chili with rice, and ham slices. 

But then there were the desserts.  They had so much delicious stuff.  My favorite, if you can believe it, was the Rice Krispie Treats.  Our cafeteria sells them but they’re just atrocious… always stale.  I know I should quit buying them, but every so often, they just look so good.  Then I bite one and it’s “blech… stale and bland.” 

These ones at the potluck were divine.  I had 2.  Now if I would have been able to leave it at that, I’d have been OK.

Buuuuuuut no.

They also had a variety of cheesecake slices.  I had a slice with chocolate drizzle and nuts.  Then some of the ladies in my department started talking about how good the coconut cake was…

Oh, it’s so light!  And the frosting is the whipped cream kind, not the wedding cake sugary kind.”

OK,” I said.  If you’re going to get a piece, I’ll take a little sliver.”  I only wanted a forkful.

She brought me back a full-sized slice; the last one.  I think she was trying to kill me.  And I couldn’t not eat it, not after she’d gone to the trouble.

(It was really good, too.)

My contribution to the affair was bringing in shrimp cocktail.  So when the lunch was over, there were about 10 shrimps left.  What the heck am I going to do with 10 little shrimps?  Would they even keep long enough to bring home? 

Best not to risk chancing it.  I ate them at my desk.

By this time, I feel like Jabba the Hutt. 

I’m jammed and am wishing I could stumble upon a conference room filled with hammocks. 

Maybe I’ll build a little George Costanza Napping Drawer under my desk.

I never even had dinner that night and I was still full the next morning, too.  I’ve been trying to go lighter the rest of this week, but it’s just not working out.

Like today, I went to Burger King for lunch.  I wanted to try one of those new Steakburger XT’s and I had a coupon for buy one, get a small fries and drink free.  I’m thinking, “Small Fry is good.  No sense pigging out on the large fries… I know how bad for me they are and the burger is going to be big.

So then they gave me my tray, they put 2 orders of fries on there.  I immediately piped up and said I’d only ordered 1 fry.  The manager wavered for a sec, starting to remove one of the orders, but then said, “Ehh, keep’em.”

Great.  Even when I TRY to be good, the universe conspires against me. 

Oh, like I’m going to throw them out?  Are you kidding me?  They were straight from the fryer; all hot and crispy.  I had no choice but to eat them.  The idea of not wasting food is imprinted on my DNA.  I just can’t do it.

But it wasn’t all bad news… When I placed my order, I chose the “A1 (Sauce) Steakburger.  But when I opened the wrapper, there was no A1 on the burger.  So the lack of sauce cancels out the extra fries, right?


OK, I guess I better skip dinner again tonight.


CrackerLilo said...

My former office in Orlando is a *lot* like you described. I'm shocked we didn't all end up on a Discovery Health documentary! It's amazing how quickly the calories can pile up.

TTG everyone in my current office has a special dietary need (including me, because I'm vegetarian and allergic to eggs). Therefore we don't do anything involving food, except business lunches or ordering lunch in groups every now and then. But vending machines can still get to me, and when I first moved to NYC, I couldn't resist the siren call of all manner of delicious food every two steps!

I don't know about you, but it helps me a lot to pack my own--I always think, "I can't waste this", and it keeps me from getting something else.

I'll bet you really did feel like the universe was conspiring against your waist when you got that second order of fries!

bluzdude said...

I know I could always bring my lunch, but lunchtime is so often the high point of my day... I love to get out of the office as much as possible.

But that temptation is always lurking. It's like when I'm out at happy hour... I can be perfectly certain that I'm not having any more and be ready to leave. Then the darned waitress has to come up and ask if I want another. Vile Temptress! Before I know it, the words "yes, I'd love one" come flying out. It's like she's pressed a magic button or something.

one-eyed dick said...

Yesterday, you denigrated that most holy institution, the Roman Catholic Church. Today, you celebrate the sin of gluttony.

Bluz, YOU are the ANTI-CHRIST, using this blog to effect your rise to power and enslave the world. It was YOU that the Hutarees were coming after, wasn't it??

red pen mama said...

My husband is in the same boat, bluz. It's so hard for him to eat healthily. And now at 40+, he's carrying 40+ pounds, too. He and I are working on it together — I'm trying to make sure we have good stuff at home for him to eat, and he's trying to make better choices when he's not home. It's tough; his one office always has candy and cookies. At least at his private office, he controls (for the most part) what is there, and he has a refrigerator. I'm hoping over this next year to help him lose some pounds.

It doesn't help he's married to a skinny bitch over whom food has no power. Poor guy.

Burgh Baby said...

My office is that the furthest possible point from the office kitchen. I don't need to walk past the kitchen for any reason, ever. That is the ONLY reason I don't eat absolutely non-stop 24/7. If anybody ever tries to get to me to switch offices, I'm going to think they're just out to make me fat.

Anonymous said...

No A-1 on the burger? You need to check out the cheeseburger dude on Steel City Slant. It could have been you!

Pat Fortunato said...

Hi, Bluzdude: The Universe is ALWAYS conspiring to lead you into temptation. My undoing is Mallomars. They call out to me at the convenience store and even though they cost twice as much there as anyplace else, I buy them, hoping against hope that they will be really fresh. Talk about having a jones.
But I have also told the Universe that I want to stay slim, and somehow, it works. Check out Yo, Universe:

Gina said...

I blame our parents - any of us from the "clean your plate - there are starving kids in China (it was China back then) have been trained to not waste to food in front of us. That's what I'm going with, anyway.

bluzdude said...

Shhh, dude. You’re totally blowing my cover!

Better be cool or else I’ll have to relocate again… maybe to Sarasota, so when the Hutarees come to get me, you might be collateral damage

bluzdude said...

Red Pen Mama:
I used to be so good at flipping the switch and losing weight when I wanted to, but the desire to do so just seems to be gone now.

And Bathing Suit season is just around the corner… sigh.

I have a Florida beach trip coming up in early July and I am not looking forward to fighting off Greenpeace when they keep trying to roll me into the water.

bluzdude said...

Burgh Baby:
Not only am I near the kitchen on our floor, they routinely set up for bake sales and such in the hallway outside the cafeteria. Then if you just walk by, they don’t think you’re trying to lose weight, they think you’re cheap.

bluzdude said...

I really wanted the A1… but not so much that I wanted to fight my way back up to the counter to get it fixed. I had told them “no ketchup.” Maybe they mistook that for not wanting any sauce on it at all. But then why order the A1 Burger? Oh well, it’s not like I’m dealing with Mensa candidates at the old BK Lounge…

Maybe I should have asked to speak to The King.

bluzdude said...

I left this message for the Universe:

Yo, Universe! Please make them stop having bake sales and pot lucks at work. I know they need the funds for their organizations… maybe you can just zap some cash in there directly and we can call off this whole fund-raising activity. I’d appreciate it. Thanks, bluz.

bluzdude said...

I was definitely a member of the Clean Your Plate club, not so much because there were starving children, but because we do not have so much money that we can justify throwing good food away. We didn’t necessarily have to take a heap of food, but if we took it, we’d better eat it, because you were taking that food away from someone else. I do not have a problem with that principle.

Then in my Teenage Boy (aka “eat everything under the sun”) Years, I became the repository for unwanted leftovers. If there wasn’t enough left to warrant saving, they just gave it to me. I was The Cleaner! Got leftovers? Not with The Cleaner on duty…

A lot of that is my own doing as well. I moved out of the family home right after college to set out on my own. Money was tight, so every dollar and every grocery counted. I couldn’t afford to waste food at all and I became good at getting sufficient bang for my meager bucks. Such habits are hard to change.

I know that doesn’t account for not being able to bypass a buffet though… That’s a whole ‘nother set of idiosyncrasies…

Bachelor Girl said...

The Jabba the Hutt with the Rice Krispie Treat is GENIUS.

(P.S. When I was little, my friend Amy and I used to play Star Wars - we fought over who got to be Princess Leia - and we pretended our poodle was Jabba the Hutt.)

I read this post as I was stuffing my face (literally) with a turkey melt with bacon. I was full already, but it just tasted SO GOOD.

And yet I couldn't bring myself to stop eating. Hmmm...

bluzdude said...

B. Girl:
You lost me at “bacon.” I instantly go into instant “Homer”.

“Mmmmmmm… Bacon!”

A Poodle for “Jabba”? I guess you work with what you got… But I figured a poodle would be better for that little hyena-like creature that hangs around with Mr. The Hutt.

Faux Trixie said...

My old office was like this. It was a hugeish law firm, so there was a birthday every week, with the obligatory cake. It became like that Seinfeld episode where there was a cake for every. single. event.

I had to stop partaking. However, it didn't help that it was in the Chicago Loop with Starbuck's across the street and tons of other places tempting me. I mean, there was a Fannie Fucking Mae in the building!

I gained a lot working there. Still trying to take it off. My advice, just say no. You'll be the office grouch, but at least you'll be svelte.

bluzdude said...

I've gone thought phases when I could turn down the goodies, but not lately.

Now I'm known as the Guy That Brings his Own Fork.

Hey, sometimes they run out of forks! Plus, it can be my contribution to Going Green.