Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Sitcom - Ballpark Edition

Last night I went to see the Baltimore Orioles/Seattle Mariners game at Camden Yards.  (That’s why it took me so long to answer your comments from the prior post.  I can’t access Blogger comments from work.)  Normally when I want to see a game, I just walk down after work and get tickets at the window.  But last week, my friend Kelly said she had a pair of tickets from her mother’s workplace and asked if I wanted to go.  These seats are 10 rows behind home plate, so of course I wanted to go.  There’s nothing like a baseball game on a nice, crisp, spring night.
With the Orioles current record in mind, even the Oriole Bird is about to jump.

But on the other hand…
Shot from inside my rain poncho.

This was not a nice, crisp, spring night.  We had rain all afternoon, then off and on all night.  What better kind of weather is there to see a couple of doormats have at it?  It was also a good chance to see Ken Griffey Jr. before he finally retires and Ichiro Suzuki, before he actually smiles.
Griffey at the Plate.

Little known fact:  Ken Griffey Jr. is the only player to have hit the famous Warehouse in right field.  He did it in 1993 during the All Star Game Home Run Derby.  No player has ever hit it during a game.

As always, I was hoping to snag a foul ball, but nothing was anywhere close.  (For full details on my other home run/foul ball catching attempts and exploits, see this post from last June.)  It was just as well… it’s hard to catch a ball with a poncho over your arms.  Perhaps I could have just made a big apron-basket out of it and hope it didn’t plunge right through and break my toe.  I tell you, it may have kept me dry, but wearing that thing was like being in a full body-condom.
Not amused.

It wasn’t the most exciting game ever, but we have ways of keeping ourselves amused. 

First, I noticed that the Orioles have two guys named Miguel Tejada and Ty Wiggington batting back to back.  A guy named Chone Figgins was playing for the Mariners.  I then posited that the O’s should trade for Figgins, for no other reason that he can bat immediately before Miguel and Wiggington, so that the lineup card can read, “Figgi, Miggi and Wiggi.”

My friend Kelly is the same person with whom I’m collaborating on stories for a prospective sitcom based on her life.  I wrote about the development of one of our stories in this post from March, the one about the “bacon-wrapped kittens.”

Because just about everything we do ends up as a sitcom idea, it wasn’t long before we started brainstorming ideas for ballpark-related things we could have her TV clone “Kelly” do.  This is what we came up with:

  • “Kelly” becomes a beer vendor.  Makes one trip up the stairs, gets tired and begins working on the beers herself.  Also tries selling them to the players in the dugout, especially the cute ones.
  • Tiring of vending beer, “Kelly” attempts to return her unsold, unconsumed-by-self beers and while looking for a place to stash them, finds the costumes the people use for the famous Hot Dog Races.  (In fact, Camden Yards does the Hot Dog Races on the scoreboard, which we consider lame; although not as lame as the Giant President-Head Races they have in the Washington Nationals’ park.)  

All parks should do like they do in Milwaukee and have giant racing hot dogs, sausages and brats.)

Kelly gets into one of the costumes and gets onto the field for the race.  Except she doesn’t really race, she kind of chases the cute shortstop around the infield.  The other sausages start chasing her around and they all end up in a giant sausage pile.  (Cassie, you can play a sausage, if you want.  I know how you want to act.)  Then the cops show up and she runs to elude them, until they tase her.  It doesn’t work, of course.  She just picks the darts off her giant sausage costume and continues running, finally disappearing through an outfield wall door.

  • “Kelly” then finds herself in the stadium sound booth.  She watches as the dude plays appropriate song snippets for players come up to bat.  Dude says, “Hey do me a favor, just stay here during the inning change, until I get back.  I have to take a leak.”  “Kelly” agrees, but the next inning starts before the dude gets back.  So “Kelly” starts playing completely inappropriate songs… “Muskrat Love”, “Dancing Queen,” The Carpenters, the complete Justin Bieber catalog…  The possibilities are endless.  Players are completely freaked out.  No one wants to go up to bat with Celine Dion singing, "Cuz I'm your ladyyyyyyyyyy!"
  • “Kelly” spots a telephone in the sound booth, labeled “Bullpen”.  So she calls down to the bullpen to chitchat.
Hey, how’s it going?  Whatcha up to?  Eh, I’m just hanging out…” 

Meanwhile the team’s manager is trying to call down to get someone to warm up and keeps getting a busy signal, begins smashing shit in the dugout…

I figure that’s enough for one episode.  I don’t know how we’re going to get all that done on our budget.  (Our Budget = 12 cents, a subway pass, the iron from a Monopoly game and a donut.) 

But since we’ll never actually make this thing, why not dream big?

Apology:  For those uninterested in anything sports-related, let me direct you to some Bluz Classic from March 2009, i.e. The Time of No Readership.  I did a two-part series on great movie villains:


  1. The sitcom stories are good stuff. I mean, I'm all about the sports of course (sorry your pens lost today. I blame Mr Glasses for the whole playoff beard thing)... but even a NON sports fan should be able to appreciate this stuff, even if it IS in the context of sports!

  2. I feel sick to my stomach over the Pens loss. They should have been better than that. But that was one hot goalie and we got a lot of shitty bounces and breaks.

    And that's why it's so hard to win that darned thing.


    But I'm glad you like the sitcom. We had a grand time making it all up. I'm sure the people around us (what few there were) thought we were deluded.

    Just so you know, a girl that likes sports is like the Holy Grail of dating. You should play that up when you're out on the prowl.

  3. The rain is why I prefer BB games. That takes some real dedication, sir!

  4. Dedication, or utter refusal to let those good tickets go to waste!

    I figure one day in August, I'll be out there when it's 95 degrees with high humidity and no air moving, and I'll be wishing it could be 50 degrees and drizzling!

  5. Incredibly funny post. The rain poncho pout pic is hilarious. Have you ever seen the "Pieroge Races" at PNC park?

  6. Thanks, DG.
    Yes... as a matter of fact... I've been to 1 game at PNC and I vaguely remember the running of the sausages.

    The poncho pic... I was trying to look as pathetic as possible. It wasn't a big reach.

  7. Google "pierogies". They're not sausages.

  8. Was in the upper deck... hard to tell what the hell they were...

  9. Bluz, I know. I mean, I recognize that the habs were playing REALLY well monday and tonight but.. wow... it was rough. I honestly am GLAD I had a final tonight and only had to see the last 4 minutes. Monday was terrible. I was giving updates to Mr G b/c he had to work and I told him it was the worst period I'd seen since I had to start buying tampons. (TMI, but you laughed)

    not to worry about me "playing up" the sports card. I have done it before... Not only does it work but I'm noy even LYIN!
    I have also turned off a few guys b/c I knew more than them (sorry but if you can't tell me who the coach was 10 years ago for your "favorite" football team, nor any after him, I'm gonna call you out.)

  10. Baseball is my favorite sport. I could watch any team but Texas Rangers are my favorite. Three girls in the office and I won tickets from AA a few years ago, we got to sit first row - feet on the Rangers dugout. It was sweet, except it rained. Girl next to me brought out her GIANT beach umbrella and the guys behind us kept saying, "Hey, put down your cabana!"
    It was really funny.
    Your outfit is great and Kelly sounds like a blast. I think some high execs are going to take notice of that sitcom. :-)

  11. No, that's enough for one season!! Very funny stuff. I especially like the part when she gets in the sound booth. Or she could even get in the announcer's chair. And then she could try to get a date with the cute shortstop.

  12. At least it wasn't the Pirates. Or something.

  13. Ah ha! You and Kelly were the ones at the game last night! I knew somebody was there. Saw the highlights on the news with 11,998 cardboard cutouts of fans strategically placed throughout the stadium by Peter Angelos, personally.

    I have refused excellent tickets to see the Baltimore Orange Shitbirds play for several years now. Used to go to upwards of 25 games/yr. Haven't set foot inside Camden Yards for 10 years now.

    Occasionally they give away tickets at work. Used to be that within 10 minutes you'd get an email and they'd announce that Suzie from Accounts Payable got them and to stop sending in requests. Nowadays there is never an email about who the sucker was who took them. I think most times they go unused. Mowing the lawn and kids soccer games are far more important to folks now than watching millionaires on steroids play a childrens game.

    That's sad for me to say because I absolutely loved baseball growing up and far into adulthood. I lived and died baseball as a youngster. Now I wouldn't walk across the street to watch a baseball game.

    Last time I had great tickets was for a Twins game at the Yard in 2004. I met my buddies at The Wharf Rat pre-game. By gametime it was sprinkling rain. We ended up staying at the bar and watching on TV rather than sit in the rain. That's as close to baseball as I've come since the 2000 season.

  14. But it IS an awfully cute picture! :)

    ~your fave diehard BoSox fan

  15. Another sitcom idea: Kelly is hired by the Mariners to taze Ken Griffey Jr. everytime he starts to fall asleep. But she has to keep this a secret from the rest of the team and the press because, officially, it doesn't happen. Hyjinks ensue.

  16. I think I missed everything after the bacon-wrapped kittens, because all I could do was think, "How would kitten taste? Could I eat kitten?" I'm not so sure I couldn't. Is that bad?

    P.S. I sort of love those President heads. What's your beef?

  17. Yet another great story, bluz! I don't think a baseball game in Pittsburgh could ever be that much fun, unless you like "No hits, no runs, and lots of errors."

  18. Those are some funny sit-com ideas! Too bad your budget is so small. :-(

  19. Woman,
    I’ve got an ideal for a year-end hockey wrap up, will try to post tomorrow. (unless I get a grander idea)

    If your prospective guy is that lame about his own team, he probably has shortcomings elsewhere! Best to find out early… Another way knowing sports can help your dating life.

    Oh, and I totally laughed…

  20. Angelia,
    Close-up seats are great, especially behind the dugouts. I got to sit there once for a minor league game… the world famous Toledo Mudhens!

    We’re already seeing our ideas turn up in other shows… I think I referenced that in the linked post about our sitcom. In general, our show would be a lot like “Cougartown”, if you’ve ever seen that… not some much in storyline as in the spirit.

  21. Guy,
    The possibilities are endless in the sound booth… I wonder if we could get guys like Ryan Howard or David Ortiz to appear as the batters. The bigger and badder the batter, the funnier it would be to hear something like “Tiny Dancer.”

  22. Burgh Baby,
    I think the Pirates played the same game that night… they also lost big in front of a miniscule crowd, in the rain.

  23. Dog,
    I feel a lot of the same thing… spending your hard earned bucks to see millionaires run around the diamond, while you’re sitting in the rain drinking $8 beer.

    But still, I just love going to professional sports events. I know the O’s suck and I know the Pirates suck. But people that live in Baltimore and Pittsburgh have something going for them that most of the rest of the country do not… The Big Leagues are right here. I have to walk 5 or 6 blocks to see a game. How many people have to go to another state to see the MLB?

    I’m not the baseball fan I was as a kid either… it used to be everything! But I still have enough affection for the game to go see maybe a half-dozen games a year. I’m hoping to get out to a Pirates game this summer too. Again, incompetent ownership and management aside, it’s just fun to go the ballpark, especially at such a beautiful park like PNC.

  24. Katie,
    Yes, that’s me… vacuum sealed for maximum freshness.

    Hey, can you help us get David Ortiz for the sitcom? Maybe when he comes up to bat, we can have “Kelly” play “Papi Don’t Preach.”

    Junior looked like he was sleepwalking through the game on Tuesday… Didn’t do jack, but pop up all night…

    We specialize in hijinks!

  25. Mundane,
    You should have checked out the link, to see how the idea of bacon-wrapped kittens came to be. But it cracks me up that you’d even consider eating one. (I admit, I’d eat pretty much anything if it was wrapped in bacon.) Real Kelly was too horrified to even consider using the idea on a fake sitcom.

    Re: the Racing Presidents… They should do more to liven it up, like run all 44 of them. Why play favorites? Also, someone should jump out of the stands to shoot Lincoln. “Sic semper Sox!” They should have a Nixon run over and start talking into a microphone. Reagan should give a speech to the TV cameras. Carter should hit up the peanut vendor.

  26. Bachelor Girl,
    Of course you can be a sausage. Then we can have a Meat and Greet!

    New thought… as the sausages are all piled up on the field, one player says to another… “Just what we need… another Sausage Fest.”

  27. Cher,
    Sure it can! Because that’s exactly how the game was on Tuesday. One run was walked in. One solo homer. Two runs came in when the left fielder couldn’t pick up the stupid ball after a single. Orioles didn’t score until the 7th inning. (One measly run) We didn’t pay attention to the rest, because we were too busy making up all that goofy shit for the sitcom.

    Does that not sound like a Pirates game?

  28. Raven,
    Maybe we can use guerrilla film making tactics...

    Or tell people it's being done for a charity event. For the Children!

  29. exactly my feeling! You gotta hang with me sports-wise or it's not going to work!


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